XVI

Longing

The sky is grey when Baekhyun peers out the window for the nth time. He’s given up trying to look through the door, where the patients go in and out, because he can’t see Jonghui anyways.

Jongdae sits beside him, and Joonmyeon sits beside Jongdae. All of them are silent. Baekhyun isn’t sure how long it’s been since they’ve been waiting — and he hates waiting, and the fact that it’s all he can do makes him feel positively pathetic — but outside, clouds have drifted and the day suddenly looks darker than he remembers. Not after long, rain is streaking down the glass panes of the hospital, and Baekhyun traces each droplet halfheartedly as it falls. It doesn’t serve as a good distraction, but it’s a distraction all the same and he tries his best to take his mind off of Jonghui.

October, he tells himself, It’s not October yet. She’ll be fine. Even if she stays at the hospital…

He’s not sure if one’s voice can break during thoughts, but his does. Until October.

How had Jongdae lived with this knowledge and still kept himself so composed all the while? How had Jonghui kept it away from him so easily? Joonmyeon? Jongin? Had Sehun known? Had they all known except him, until a couple of weeks ago?

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, though his voice comes out too soft, a croak. The other seems to have been able to make out his name, because he turns. His eyes are rimmed with red, as if he’s trying hard not to cry. Baekhyun just feels empty. He can’t even bring himself to cry.

“What?” Jongdae blinks. Another drop of water traces down the window pane.

“What happened this morning? I mean, why did… why did you sent her to the hospital? Both of you were gone when I woke up, but it was extremely early then and I had no idea what happened.”

“She should’ve been at the hospital a long time ago,” is all Jongdae replies with, “I know she didn’t want to go, but even then, I should’ve gotten her to.”

“What happened?”

“She fainted,” Jongdae says tersely, “She can’t rely on her pills forever, especially when it’s so close… so close to…” His voice breaks then. “Just wait, Baekhyun. It shouldn’t be something severe.”

Baekhyun hates how waiting meant being silent. It’s moments like this that Jongdae will probably benefit from talking to others, but Joonmyeon remains silent and he doesn’t feel like facing Jongdae’s anger anytime soon, so he snaps his mouth shut too.

The rain stops. They still wait.

It seems like forever when the door finally opens, and Baekhyun’s head snaps upwards. A nurse, dressed in all white with an equally matching white mask stands  at the door. Her eyes scan the room, and ultimately, lands on the three of them. “Are you all here for the patient Kim Jonghui?”

Jongdae is the first to shoot to his feet. “Is she awake?”

“She’s stable. What’s your relation to the patient?”

“Brother.” Baekhyun can hear the impatience laced into Jongdae’s voice. “Can we go see her?”

The nurse’s gaze trails towards him and Joonmyeon, and he hears the other mumble what sounds generally like ‘cousin.’

There’s a long moment of silence. Brother. Cousin. What was he to Jonghui? What was she to him? Baekhyun stands, frozen, for a long while, while the nurse fixes him with a disinterested gaze. And somehow, that angers Baekhyun. She works in a place where so many people’s lives were in danger, so many people were losing their lives, and yet, she looked as if she were… numb to it all. Like she didn’t care anymore. Straightening, he lifts his chin so he’s meeting her gaze. “Boyfriend.”

The nurse doesn’t look very surprised, just nods at them, then turns to look at Jongdae once again. “She’s not awake yet, but all her vitals are stable. The doctors also did a couple of scans on her, and… they’d like to ask you a couple of questions. Your name is…?”

“Kim Jongdae.”

She gives another nod, then silently gestures at them to follow her. Without waiting for an answer, she turns and opens the door and disappears behind it. The three of them follow behind her, also silent, footsteps echoing gravely down the empty hallway.

Somehow, it’s even scarier than waiting is. Jonghui is said to be fine, but Baekhyun can’t help but think otherwise, and even if she isn’t fine, it’s terrifying how he can do nothing to help her. He feels so helpless. All he can do is wait and hope, but there doesn’t seem to be much to hope for either. It’s like they’ve reached the end.

And they do, physically. They’re at the end of the hallway when the nurse makes a sharp turn into one of the rooms, opening for door for them, and all three of them go into the room instantly.

It’s white like the rest of the hospital, and that’s Baekhyun’s first thought. The walls are washed white, the bedsheet is white, the window blinds, pulled aside, are white. The nurse is white. The only thing that is a contrast against all the white is Jonghui’s black hair from where she’s lying on the bed. She looks impossibly small in the middle of an empty room, connected to the machines, the various tubes that lead from that to her. Her eyes are closed, and the rise of and fall of her chest looks more laboured than it should’ve.

He wants to say something, to hear someone to say something, but Baekhyun can feel his own throat close up and he can’t say a thing. The doctor in the corner of room, whom he hasn’t even noticed yet, turns around. He’s holding a clipboard, and he’s jotting something down. His eyes scan the three of them, and ultimately, they land on Jongdae. “You’re her brother?” he asks, “I need to talk to you for a moment. Can you please step outside with me for a moment?”

Jongdae opens his mouth, looking as if he wants to reject, but then he seems to think about it again and snaps his mouth shut. “Alright.”

The doctor in white, the nurse in white, and Jongdae leave the room. Baekhyun feels out of place in the dark blue sweater he’s wearing.

Mutely, Joonmyeon pulls one of the chairs from the corner of the room to Jonghui’s bedside. Baekhyun remains standing in the center of the room, unsure of what to do or say. His mind is whirling.

Regrets. Does he have any?

Tons.

Was it really the right idea? It hurts just looking at Jonghui, lying unconscious on the bed —  how much will it hurt when she finally leaves? And atop of that, why had he stayed for so long? Chanyeol had said his banishment, the reason he was put on earth, was for him to change. And he’s changed plenty.

Maybe it would’ve been easier if he left before Jongdae told him Jonghui was sick. Before he really had the chance to acknowledge his own feelings for her — maybe that was when he should’ve left, to avoid the whole mess that was unfolding.

“Baekhyun?” Joonmyeon calls, “Are you just going to stand there?”

“I…”

“You know, you’re not going to be able to hear what Jongdae’s saying even if you stand there, so…”

Baekhyun blinks. “I wasn’t listening to what they were talking about.”

Joonmyeon opens his mouth to say something then, but then his phone rings. Baekhyun hesitates for a moment l