APRIL 1954

 

It was the first week in April when Chanyeol acquired the last two strings he needed for the guitar. He tucked them into his front pocket, patting the pocket randomly throughout the day to make sure they were safe. When he brought them back to the farmhouse he could barely contain his excitement.

He found Kyungsoo in the fields, going through his final preparations for planting.

“I found the strings.” He knew he had a big, goofy dumb looking smile on his face but he couldn’t help it.

“Is that so?” Kyungsoo didn’t look up from his work.

“Yeah, we should try it out after dinner.” Chanyeol could swear he had a bounce in his step as he walked into the house.

When he got into his room he grabbed the guitar from where it was leaning in the corner and began to string the instrument.

“I wonder how well he sings,” Chanyeol mused. Kyungsoo had yet to share his potential talent.

 

 

 

After dinner Chanyeol grabbed the guitar, the anticipation causing his energy levels to skyrocket. He plopped down on the porch, the guitar hitting his lap with an acoustic thud. He began to strum at the strings, Baekhyun running up to help him. As the child hit the strings with uninhibited enthusiasm Chanyeol laughed.

“I can teach you when you get older.” Somehow that was a horribly empty promise.

“Really?!” Baekhyun looked up at him, all hero worship and innocent excitement.

Chanyeol nodded, not wanting to think about empty promises. He glanced over at Kyungsoo. The man looked beat down, his posture lax as he leaned against the house. He had bags under his eyes, his black hair– which was verging on shaggy now– was a mess.

“I know a few songs,” Chanyeol announced, beginning to play an old folk song that he had learned when he first picked up the instrument.

“I know this!” Ji Hyo smiled and clapped, pulling her son to her as they rocked back and forth to the music. Baekhyun struggled, but eventually gave in and hugged his mother.

When Kyungsoo began to sing Chanyeol almost stopped playing. He had a deep, rich tone. It was perfect, Chanyeol thought. It made him want to hear more.

When the song ended Kyungsoo looked embarrassed. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back against the side of the farmhouse, his legs splayed out in front of him. He clasped his hands in his lap, looking both parts relaxed and embarrassed.

“You sing really well,” Chanyeol couldn’t hold it back.

He watched as Kyungsoo’s lips– those small but plump lips– formed a smile. Chanyeol felt like he had won the lottery.

He strummed a few more songs that night, but Kyungsoo didn’t sing again.

 

 

 

“So you’re his friend now?” Jongdae asked over a hastily eaten lunch on the job site.

Chanyeol shrugged. “He talks to me now.”

“And you like it?” Jongdae poked him in the arm.

“I like not walking on eggshells anymore!” Chanyeol played it off as something that lessened his anxiety. Yet at the edges, at the peripheral of what he wanted to recognize about his thoughts on the matter, there was something that was more. A happiness that didn’t make sense, but was there nonetheless.

“Never would have thought that monster of a landlord of yours would start being nice,” Jongdae said through a mouth full of food.

“He isn’t all that bad,” Chanyeol shrugged.

“I guess not,” Jongdae seemed amused by the turn of events.

Chanyeol fell into silence as Jongdae began to talk about the building. They would be done soon enough, which meant they could hold a grand opening for the community. Chanyeol felt the same excitement that Jongdae felt, though in all honesty he wasn’t listening as closely as he should. He kept thinking about a certain voice, the hint of a smile, and the reality that even if he had knocked down some walls it still felt like there were a dozen still standing.

 

 

The fragility of their newfound friendship was never more apparent than the evening when Ji Hyo had another episode. She had been sitting inside while Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol sat outside– it should have been an indication to the others something was wrong. When she appeared in her pink hanbok Chanyeol tensed, remember what happened the last time the woman had an episode.

Kyungsoo took one look at his sister in law and promptly got up, walking out towards the fields without looking back. He was angry, Chanyeol could tell. Now he was faced with a decision – should he follow after him? Should he meddle?

If he meddled what would happen? A repeat, another episode where they fought? Chanyeol was overwhelmed and uncertain as chaos surrounded him.

In the end the decision was made for him. Baekhyun began to cry and Ji Hyo started to cry as well. When Baekhyun became hysterical at his mother’s condition, Chanyeol felt like he was drowning, tossed into a storm for which there was no appropriate shelter. He grabbed Baekhyun and left Ji Hyo on the porch, knowing that if he didn’t talk the child away he would probably hyperventilate.

He walked off after Kyungsoo, finding him sitting on the edge of one of the larger rice paddies. He was half hunched over, if Chanyeol didn’t know he was angry he wouldn’t assume he was forlorn.  When he approached Kyungsoo yelled out, “Put him down!”

Chanyeol held Baekhyun to him tightly, the child burying his face in Chanyeol’s shirt. He was still crying but his outright hysteria had lessened. He ignored Kyungsoo’s demand. He walked over to the man and sat down, still holding Baekhyun.

“You never listen,” Kyungsoo glared. “You meddle, you don’t care what is best because you don’t know.”

Chanyeol rocked Baekhyun back and forth, still ignoring the farmer’s orders. The child shouldn’t be cast off at a time like this, that much Chanyeol was certain of. And Kyungsoo’s anger, his rage that had been triggered, was not making Chanyeol want to comply. In fact it was annoying him, grating at his nerves more than the wailing that was only inches from his eardrum.

“You think teaching him to cry will make him strong?” Kyungsoo spat.

That was the tipping point, the warped viewpoint that couldn’t be ignored.  Chanyeol turned to Kyungsoo. “Perhaps if you learned to cry you wouldn’t be like this.”

Kyungsoo widened his eyes at Chanyeol. “You are the least useful person I have ever met, and I hope you remember that.”

“Stop it!” Baekhyun lifted his head, tears still streaming down his red cheeks. “Stop fighting.”

Chanyeol felt acutely embarrassed that he had gotten into an argument with Kyungsoo while Baekhyun was there– already upset about his mother.

“People fight, get used to it.” Kyungsoo stood up and walked off back towards the house, leaving Baekhyun to have another crying fit.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, shhhh.” Chanyeol coddled Baekhyun, hugging him tightly as he sent death looks at Kyungsoo’s retreating back.

This friendship was not much of one, he thought as he watched the man limp away.

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

It was a repeat of the time before, though this time Kyungsoo wasn’t standing in the doorway telling him not to leave. He was apologizing.

Chanyeol sat in the middle of his room, a book propped on his lap. It had been three days since Ji Hyo had another breakdown. Three days of Kyungsoo and Chanyeol ignoring each other. Ji Hyo was back to normal the next day and Baekhyun seemed fine, but the two men were still giving each other angry looks behind each other’s backs.

And now Kyungsoo was standing in the doorway, staring at the floor.

Why should he forgive him? Why should he care if this man forgave him? Kyungsoo was probably just going to do it again next time– call him useless and spew words of hate. Was there ever a friendship to begin with?

When Chanyeol didn’t answer Kyungsoo spoke. “I don’t think you are useless, but I also don’t want Baekhyun to spend his life crying over his mother. He needs to accept she has episodes.”

“How is he going to accept it when you leave him the moment it happens? How is he going to accept it when you get mad at him? You owe your nephew an apology. “Chanyeol shot back, letting out the anger that had built inside him for the last three days.

“He isn’t, which is why I need to change,” Kyungsoo said it quietly. “And I already apologized to him.”

Do Kyungsoo said he would change, how downright unbelievable. Chanyeol weighed his words. Should he give him a chance? Maybe. It would be the right thing to do, wouldn’t it?

“Fine, but if you act like that again I am not going to forgive you.” Chanyeol set his mouth in a thin line, hoping his message came through loud and clear.

“Understood,” Kyungsoo answered. He shut the door, tugging it through where it stuck and then walked off.

Chanyeol sighed, going back to his book. He stared at the page but wasn’t actually reading. Instead he was thinking about if Kyungsoo would really change. And if he was changing it was because of him, wasn’t it? How strange.

 

 

 

Ji Hyo had another episode later that week and true to his word Kyungsoo didn’t get angry. He didn’t yell and he didn’t leave Baekhyun alone. Chanyeol watched the scene unfold in silence, feeling immense satisfaction inside at how Kyungsoo was behaving. When Ji Hyo recovered within the hour, coming back to reality, the entire house breathed a sigh of relief.

Later that night Chanyeol and Kyungsoo sat on the porch, taking a few shots of soju.

“I am proud of you.” Chanyeol felt a bit embarrassed saying that to Kyungsoo but he needed to. He wanted the man to know how well he had done.

Kyungsoo just nodded.

“Changing is difficult.” Chanyeol thought back to his own shift over the last year, from idiotic naivety and a life of comfort to a sense of regret and a desire to help others. It had been devastating, feeling like his entire world had been a lie. He was disgusted with himself, with the people like him. And that disgust had ate at him day and night, it still did eat at him. But it was shrinking, this terrible feeling of uselessness, and it was because he changed.

“You say that from experience,” Kyungsoo stated. It was strange how sometimes he could be so perceptive, even if he seemed genuinely disinterested in most things.

“My old way of thinking, the people around me– it was difficult to change from that. There was a lot of resistance.” Chanyeol sighed. “My parents, they weren’t happy about it.” Chanyeol thought the term unhappy was a misnomer. His father had been furious, threatening to disown him.

“It is the time we rise, Chanyeol. Do you know how many deals I have in the works? Do you know how many contracts I have with the new government? I need you here! I just get back to Korea to make money and you want to run off and do something so useless?!” His father had roared, throwing a vase against the wall when Chanyeol refused.

“They have a lot of money.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

“Hm,” Chanyeol confirmed. “My father has a knack for it, even in the hardest of times.”

It was, Chanyeol thought, even worse that his father had a knack for it and had no need to help others with his skills. He could care less who was starving in the countryside as long as he made a dime.

“I am proud of you,” Kyungsoo returned Chanyeol’s sentiment. When Chanyeol looked at the farmer, turning his gaze away from the darkness, he could almost swear he saw affection in his expression.

“Thank you.” Chanyeol looked away, finding it safer to stare into the darkness.

It was interesting, this complete change in how they interacted. In how they felt pride in each other’s growth and sometimes they weren’t afraid to show it or say it. Chanyeol’s heart swelled at the thought Kyungsoo was proud of him and that Kyungsoo was making him proud in turn.

In so many ways they were both damaged people and to a certain extent they clung to their damaged perceptions. Yet these simple chats coupled with honesty meant something, was changing something. In the fields outside of Namwon Chanyeol had found more than he bargained for. He found someone to talk to, someone to tell him it was okay. And that meant a lot.

After a few minutes of silence Kyungsoo spoke. “You will go back though. To Seoul, I mean.” It was another statement.

“I’m not sure that I want to.” Chanyeol answered. He had admitted as much to himself, but he had never said it to anyone else. But it was true. Deep down he didn’t want to go back to that, back to Seoul and helping his father while he filled the family coffers even fuller. Dare he say it, he liked this life better. This bucolic existence, with its ups and downs. This simple way of living, with good people around you– not those who were simply out to use you.

Chanyeol knew he didn’t want to return to that lifestyle, he had known that for a long time. But what was more concrete was the specifics on where he did want to stay. Here, with this family. He didn’t want to leave Namwon.

For all of the emotional turmoil he had witnessed his feelings seemed extremely misplaced. But one thought of sitting on the porch as the sun set, strumming his old guitar made it entirely reasonable. One memory of chasing Baekhyun through the rice paddies as the child giggled made it entirely reasonable. One memory of Ji Hyo humming a trot song while she cooked, of Kyungsoo actually saying something during dinner, one breath of crisp and clean fresh air, one minute of hearing that familiar gait as Kyungsoo entered a room made it reasonable.

“Well, I will need to raise the rent if you stay too long,” Kyungsoo teased.

“I would assume you would.” Chanyeol laughed, deep down hoping he was there long enough for that to happen.

“But for now you can help me tomorrow that can be part of your rent. It’s your day off, right?” Kyungsoo asked softly.

“No I can still pay.” Chanyeol thought about the dire financial straits the man was in. He couldn’t afford to lose any income. “And yeah, it’s my day off.”

“Okay, but you can still help too. It’s time to start planting. Plan to be up earlier than normal.” Kyungsoo stood up, grabbing the bottle of soju. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Chanyeol stayed out on the porch for another hour, thinking. About changing. About Kyungsoo. And about the way he was starting to find his own measure of healing in this place, how that gnawing sense of guilt had started to diminish. What diminished it? Working on the school of course. But truth be told gaining the approval of Kyungsoo had done wonders.

 “Maybe we are good for each other,” he mused to himself.

 

 

Chanyeol was up before the sun rose, changing into work pants and a work shirt that Kyungsoo lent him. They were too small, leaving his calves exposed, but they would have to do.

Over the last week Chanyeol had watched the water in the rice paddies grow, Kyungsoo flooding them during the day while he was gone working at the school. Each night he returned he found the water had grown another inch or two. Now they were suitably flooded for planting, which Chanyeol assumed would be a lot of work. It turned out he had no real concept of just how much work went into it.

Kyungsoo had grown seedlings over the last couple of months, little nubs of a plant that were kept out in a makeshift greenhouse. Chanyeol learned that they would need to transport the seedlings to the paddies and then plant all of them. When he got a look at just how many seedlings there were his back already ached.

Baekhyun and Ji Hyo were there to help as well, and as Chanyeol transported cart after cart of seedlings to the fields he marveled at how fast they could plant. It was amazing, the way their hands moved over the paddies, pushing the seedlings into the water and mud. Baekhyun was insanely fast at it, his little hands flying over the ground.

Eventually Chanyeol stopped transporting and helped them plant as well, feeling awkward and clumsy since it took him three times as long to push the seedlings into the earth.

It started to rain mid-morning. Kyungsoo instructed Baekhyun to fetch rain slickers, which he dragged across the muddy ground to the two men and the woman who were busy planting. Chanyeol thanked him, tugging the dark green slicker over his muddy shirt and pants. He felt inept as he worked along the field, following Kyungsoo’s instructions as best he could. A few times he stopped and gestured for the farmer to come over to look and make sure he was doing it right.

“I could swear you were cut out to be a farmer, Park.” Kyungsoo slapped him on the back. It was, for an inexplicable reason, one of the best compliments he had ever received. They worked all day, only stopping for a little while to eat a quick lunch. By the time the evening had arrived they had finished planting a couple of the paddies, with a few more to go.

Chanyeol walked slowly back towards the house, feeling pain in muscles he rarely used. He was covered in mud from head to toe and reeked like the water used to flood the fields. He needed to wash up before he even dreamed of setting foot inside the house.

 Baekhyun had ran ahead, stopping a few minutes earlier when Ji Hyo left to start dinner. That left Chanyeol and Kyungsoo to finish up and return to the house together.

“I am going to go wash,” Chanyeol commented, feeling so sore he wondered if he would be able to carry the bucket of well water behind the hutch where they usually washed up.

“Me too,” Kyungsoo grunted.

Chanyeol shouldn’t have cared but his experience had told him otherwise. It had happened to him exactly once, so why it had scared him so much might be a case of an overreaction. It was back in college when he was in Busan. He washed with one of his male classmates – one of his very attractive males classmates– and ended up with a flushed face and an that he miraculously managed to hide.

He had washed with many men in his life without that reaction, so it wasn’t like he was some thirsty monster who got hard the moment he saw a male body. But at the same time he wasn’t sure that wouldn’t happen when he washed with another male so he stayed away from it. It wasn’t that he felt that way about Kyungsoo. Sure he had appreciated his features, but he had never thought of him in a ual way.

“Go first,” Chanyeol stopped walking, trying to think of some excuse. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Kyungsoo didn’t answer, he just walked off towards the well. Chanyeol hung back, waiting for ten minutes until he was sure Kyungsoo was probably done. When he approached the back of the hutch he felt relieved, no noise, surely Kyungsoo had already gone inside.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Kyungsoo wasn’t done, in fact he was still rubbing soap over his skin as he stood there completely . He had his back to Chanyeol, which was probably a good thing since the taller man froze on the spot. Except at the same time it wasn’t a good thing at all.

Chanyeol shouldn’t be looking but he couldn’t look away. Under his clothes Kyungsoo was hiding an enviable body. His skin was pale, a smattering of moles on his back, moving up from his slim and shapely waist. His arms were more toned than Chanyeol knew, the muscles lean but visible. His legs were the right mix of fat and muscle, and his …Chanyeol swallowed. This was bad, very, very bad.

He managed to retreat before Kyungsoo noticed him, hurrying back to the side of the house as his sprang to life. “,” he cursed under his breath. This was bad, very bad. Kyungsoo had never been of interest to him like that, but now…he couldn’t help how his body reacted. He couldn’t help but like what he saw. And he didn’t want to deal with any of it.

When Kyungsoo limped around the corner, his wet hair plastered to his forehead, he gave Chanyeol a funny look.

Chanyeol was pretty sure he turned bright red. “My stomach doesn’t feel good,” he muttered an excuse.

Kyungsoo nodded. “I brought water for you too.”

Chanyeol thanked him, breathing a sigh of relief as the farmer returned to the house.

Later that night, as he laid in bed, it all came rushing back. The image of Kyungsoo , of how beautiful he was. Of how arousing he was.

Chanyeol ended up himself into as he thought about Kyungsoo, reeling in guilt afterwards. He shouldn’t be doing any of this, he knew it. This wasn’t something that was acceptable, to think of his landlord like that. But it didn’t help the image had made him come faster than any of the other fantasies he had ever jacked off too.

This was bad, very bad.

 

 

Things changed after that, and it was wholly and irrevocably Chanyeol’s own guilt that did it. He avoided Kyungsoo for a few days, embarrassed at the way he was still thinking about him in a ual way. Kyungsoo tried to talk to him more than once, only to have Chanyeol clam up and find an excuse to return to his room.

Ji Hyo noticed it, finally asking Chanyeol if anything was wrong. When he answered no she gave him a look that indicated she didn’t believe him.

Somewhere in all of this guilt was a reality that Jongin had insinuated that Chanyeol was gay yet Kyungsoo had no trouble being around him. Just what did that mean? Kyungsoo hadn’t believed Jongin, of course. So if Kyungsoo ever found out it was true what then?

Everything was so complicated Chanyeol felt drained of energy. Jongdae noticed it, prodding him for what was wrong. Chanyeol was as closed off to him as he was to everyone else. Homouality was not something you admitted to unless you wanted everyone to hate you.

Coupled with guilt over viewing Kyungsoo in a ual manner came the consideration that maybe Chanyeol didn’t view him only in a ual manner. Maybe he was actually interested in him romantically, which was so ludicrous it made Chanyeol feel like he was going insane.

But then he would have the nights to think about it and he would over analyze how happy he was seeing Kyungsoo smile, how he loved his voice. How he cared so much about what he thought. Then the guilt would increase tenfold making Chanyeol want to run away from this place and never come back.

He could accept being gay that was something he had come to terms with a long time ago. But liking Kyungsoo, wanting Kyungsoo– it felt like he was violating the man in some strange way by living here. And it became worse every day that passed.

 

 

It hadn’t been an easy decision, but it was one he had to make if he wanted to avoid a nervous breakdown.

“I’m going to move into town.” Chanyeol said it to Kyungsoo when the man was out in the fields, weeding the newly planted rice paddies.

“What?” Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes and looked at Chanyeol like he had grown a second head. “Why?”

“It’s closer to work. And you guys are busy with the fields you don’t need an extra mouth to feed and extra chores to do because of me.” Chanyeol kept his hands in his pockets, his body language guarded. “I’m going to move after work today.”

Kyungsoo began to say something but Chanyeol walked away without staying to listen. He couldn’t listen. Not if he wanted to keep on being a useful and positive human being.

 

 

 

Ji Hyo cried when he left. Baekhyun didn’t know about it, because Chanyeol didn’t want the child to whine and cling to him. Kyungsoo wasn’t there when he came to get his things and he didn’t spot the man in the fields either.

Chanyeol had found lodgings with Jongdae’s landlady. They were even smaller than the accommodations at the farmhouse, nothing more than a cramped space hardly bigger than a closet. But it was enough for him– enough for him to get away from his shame.

As April turned to May, Chanyeol left the farmhouse. As April turned to May, Chanyeol ran away.