Hatred is a strong word. It’s a heavy feeling that she thought nobody should feel. It caused pain, anxiety and a lot of other different emotions but in the end of everything, it did no good to a person. If you hate someone, this feeling can corrupt you, can force you to do things that you wouldn’t normally do just to hurt this person, in any way. That’s what hatred always does, she thinks, when it comes to mind.

You can’t say you hate someone if you care about them. She always thought these were things that couldn’t coexist, they destroyed each other. No in between. That’s why she never hated someone, not even those who hurt her in her 28 years of life. Hell, even when it comes to mundane things about her life, erthere’s no such feeling. She couldn’t hate the pop singer that snubbed her once, she couldn’t hate the fact that she had to wake up every day 5AM to do some stuff before work. Not even when she had to deal with annoying people at the café she worked, like her boss that thought nobody was on his level. So basically, that was a forbidden word. She just didn’t like those things. She disliked those people. Simple as that.

One time a person said they hated her because she broke their heart. Her friends thought that wasn’t said in a literal way since “nobody hates you so soon after dating for 4 years” but she didn’t believe in them. It didn’t work as a relief to her heavy heart. Once in a while she thought about that, wondering if such person still felt that way. Nobody knew, but she cried with the thought. She was sensitive, a cry baby - her big sister insisted – but she didn’t know how to change that. Actually, sometimes, she didn’t even want to change, since that kind of helped her creativity considering she had two jobs. Part of the time she worked as barista and the other, mainly weekends, she used to go to public places to sing. At least that’s what she liked the most on her whole miserable life.

She wrote songs based on her life experiences and whatever came to her head. A poem, anything that let out all those feelings she had inside of her. After all, she was always a person who felt too much. A flaw, she thought. She loved too much and if it was the case, she disliked too much and there it goes. It helped her composing skills – modesty aside, she knew she had written some masterpieces in her life – but in other aspects, it didn’t help much. She cried easily, her pride didn’t go away as easy as that. A shame. However, if there was something that she never felt too much, or felt at all, it was just one: courage. That was the hardest of them all and that costed her things that were really precious, that would never come back. She lost them but still wasn’t able to learn a way to fix it. She was a coward and she was totally used to this for now.

She liked things that didn’t go out of the usual. She liked safety, she liked accommodation. For a person that feared changes, bravery was an unknown word, a nightmare.

That day could’ve started as any other but it didn’t. The first thing that happened was that she woke up much later than usual. 7:30 AM. She cursed when she saw the watch by her bed, trying to focus and put herself in place. She was going to be late and that definitely wasn’t a good thing. Similar stuff already happened in that last week – it had a real reason, she was sick – but her boss wasn’t known for being the kindest and most comprehensible person in the world. She even tried not to miss but in the end she lost the fight to the flu the winter always brought. Nonetheless, in a robotic way, she got up and went to take her shower, not seeming to be as desperate as she should be in any other days.

Deep inside she knew that apparent negligence was more about her tiredness, not just physical but mental, of everything she was living lately. A dull life, more or less. Years back she wouldn’t be able to imagine herself like this but if she stopped to think, she wouldn’t even imagine anything about her future. It was the same. Taking her time to also prepare a strong coffee, give food to her dog and still verify some notifications on her social network – which she just lurked, never even posting a happy emoji – she left her house around 8:20AM.

That was already odd. Waking up with a “ it’ feeling on a Friday didn’t happen much. For walking too slow, her arrival at the café, which was full as if on purpose just because she wasn’t there to help, was after 10 minutes. The look she gained from her boss when he saw her approach, wearing a beanie while having a red nose and eyes that were still clearly sleepy, made her think that maybe she took more time than that.

- What happened? – Asked Momo, her young co-worker, when she saw her approaching all covered up.

Chaeyoung just shrugged, averting her boss’ gaze that even though he was busy talking to a man in suit in one of those tables, didn’t stop killing her with his eyes.

- Still sick. – She half-smiled and went to the other side of the balcony, as if to avoid any more questions.

The place smelt like fresh coffee and cake that just came out of the oven, with sounds of different voices ordering their meals, constant steps and low noise of a television at the wall, showing morning news. Even though that place was old, passed for generations, it wasn’t that full every day. It had the usual clients but irocanilly, on the first day she arrives late, things was as chaotic as possible.

- Surprised with the movement? – Momo seemed to read her thoughts, or she just read her surprised expression after she got back from the personal storage room.

- What’s happening in here? – Chaeyoung asked while she arranged her uniform, preparing herself to go serve some tables.

- I have no idea. Mr. Lee said something about marketing, maybe this is the result.

Chaeyoung nodded, not knowing if she should be thanking for the high possibility of tips or raging because he did it while she was recovering from something that knocked her down.

With the clock reaching 9 AM, she was already working her off. Coming and going on a infinite loop, at least until her boss said goodbye to the previous man, something that made him go to her direction almost immediately. She was busy finishing writing some orders when he arrived as a ghost by her side, almost giving her chills for his grumpy looks.

- My office, please.

Chaeyoung almost thought of laughing while she looked around to perhaps signalize that wasn’t a good idea in the moment. More people were arriving and the day still had lots of hours he could speak to her.

- But I’m a bit bus-

- Now. – His mandatory tone interrupted. – Minseok, please come take these orders. – He turned to the young man that passed through them with already noted orders, even making the clients look in a curious way.

With nothing else to say, Chaeyoung nodded briefly at them as if apologizing and directed herself to her boss’ office.

Inside the place, he sat at his table and asked for her to do the same. She refuted in a polite way, even though her conscience was cursing for that waste of time.

Mr. Lee accept the refuse and put his both elbows on the table, interlocking hands.

- Miss Chaeyoung, where should I start…You’re aware that you haven’t been following the flow of this place very well, yeah?

- Flow? – Her eyebrows arched.

- Yeah, flow. As you can see, we had an increase of clients and it’s not something that started today. Last week I had to double myself, I had to give more work to the others to cover for everything because you weren’t here. Do you agree that this costed me some things?

- I was sick. – Chaeyoung stated, not falling for his crap. She was always there but when she had to miss a few days, he didn’t know how to handle?

- Yeah, yeah, flu. – Mr. Lee was cynical with his words and expressions. – The thing is, you missing this much work, I take it as a lack of commitment with the place…But more than that, you being here this late is disrespectful, don’t you think? No previous warning.

Chaeyoung was more than anxious to know where he wanted to go with that.

- What I’m trying to say is…Perhaps this month I’m going to be forced to reduce a few of your privileges to cover for all your negligence. But don’t worry, just a few discounts on your salary and some more extra time and you can solve the problem, simple.

Her lips opened in a half smile, one that showed indignation.

- Are you serious? Reduce my salary that, I’m sorry, it’s already really low for the amount of work time and still force me to work more because I was sick and late one day, after all this time?

- I know it sounds a little bit absurd when you say it like that but its reasonable, Chaeyoung. This place works like this for a long time and I can’t just give you the privilege because you have more years in here.

That was absurd. Chaeyoung started to have some thoughts that contributed to the oddness of that day. The type that never got to her before.

- If you want we can make a deal, discount your extra time with your salary this month, or leave everything to extra hours and-

- Mr. Lee…. – The words that before seemed shuffled in her mind created a way to go to . No filter. – If you really want to punish me because of health stuff, you’ll have to try harder. Do you think I’m your slave?

Her voice got bigger, just like the man’s eyes while showing surprise to see maybe the first employee to raise the voice, or reply in such way.

- If you think you had so much loss then…I quit! I’d rather have no work than have to swallow all the bull you’re saying to me.

The man’s stare became comical in every word it came out of Chaeyoung’s mouth. Another spirit seemed to have possessed her, if it wasn’t just her impatience of having to deal with that piece of .

- You- You can’t, I just-

- Let’s solve all the extra hours you owe me later, but in this crap I don’t work anymore. Good luck. – The young girl took off the apron of her waist and threw it fiercely on the ground, being more than decided on that.

The man’s voice started to be distant when she gave her back to him, prepared to go to where her stuff were. Amazingly, a smile seemed to appear on her lips, just like this new feeling of freedom. Perhaps was the adrenaline of the moment, but the guilt for sure was far away from her being.

- Oh and about your birthday being yesterday… - She turned slowly, remembering it because it matched her friend’s birthday. – I sincerely wish you to go yourself in hell! – Both of her middle fingers went up, before she went out in what was like a triumphal exit.

Without looking back after she took her stuff, Chaeyoung found herself with a strange smile on her lips, something weird to happen. Never in years she could’ve imagine herself saying those things after all, she was always respectful and nodded to every order they gave her. If she got to tell that to her best friend, she for sure would have to prove it because it wouldn’t be easy for him to believe it.

This way, the woman walked through the streets so lightly that it was as if she was flying. She hadn’t thought about the consequences, she shouldn’t. She had a performance that night so at least she wouldn’t be starving for a few more days. Thinking about this event later, she took her phone to send a message to her friend and co-worker Seungyoon, to schedule their practice earlier than expected.

The answer was positive but his doubt about her café shift was clear on his words. On the way to his home, she listened to one of the songs they recorded.

---

- What happened? – Seungyoon followed to the garage, curious for her being there. Chaeyoung met him years back in a musical event and since then they became good friends, gathering to make this project in which they perform in bars and record stuff on their home-made studio.

Chaeyoung left her stuff on the sofa and waited until she was comfortable to look at him with an answer ready.

- I quit!

Seungyoon who was ready to sit and listen to a long story stopped frozen in place when he saw – and heard – the happiness in her voice.

- Are you still burning in fever?

Chaeyoung laughed with his reaction. That’s what she imagined.

- No. I know I’m kinda of a coward but give me some more credit, c’mon.

- It’s not that, it’s just that… - Seungyoon slowly sat, his forehead creased. – You quitting…What? Why?

- To make things short, I don’t like that “Mr. Lee”. – She grumbled, saying his name in a wry way. Seungyoon still couldn’t believe her.

Chaeyoung followed to the bench in front of the mic stand so she could sit there.

- I already knew that but you said you kinda liked working there, liked your colleagues, I don’t know.

The woman agreed.

- Plus, you said you would only leave that place if you were going back to uni or if you got a great record deal and-

- Oy, I know what I said! – She exclaimed, interrupting his thoughts and words. – Don’t make me think too much now, I don’t even know what came to me today but…I don’t want to leave space to guilt right now, please.

- Alright, ok, I’m sorry. – Seungyoon smiled, getting up so he could pick his guitar beside the sofa. – If you’re happy, I’m happy.

- Well, thanks. That’s how I like. – She smiled back and turned the mic on. – So, let’s start rehearsing? Today it’s not going to be in a old bar.

- Sure. Gran Hotel, check.

That definitely was going to be a good night, one that Chaeyoung ended up worrying too much and almost getting sick out of anxiety so rehearsing was never too much. Seungyoon got some contacts and after a lot of conversations, they had this chance to perform in one of the city’s most luxurious hotels. It was going to be in an event, something even bigger, but according to him the person who agreed already knew their work.

If she stopped to think, perhaps that was one of the reasons Chaeyoung got to be so hyper after such an important decision that would bring so many stuff in her life. She couldn’t let herself be bothered by it, not after almost losing this opportunity to a stupid flu. Thanks to luck, she recovered well and after days staying home she could be ready to go, if it wasn’t for the anxiety playing such a good part in never leaving her.

However, they could find a cure to that, like Seungyoon would say. With music.

---

Chaeyoung’s heart was almost at a point of an attack. It felt like tachycardia, she was trembling to no end. Her stomach was turning everything she ate before, even if she was careful with that. She couldn’t handle an accident there, right? It was almost time. Little by little the realization that she did something so thoughtless hours before started to hit her and that left her even more nervous. It wasn’t exactly a good time for her to have a weight in her conscience, in such an important night.

“Everything is going to be alright”, she repeated to herself like a mantra that already didn’t seem enough. A call from her old friend Joy calmed her by the end of afternoon but as minutes went by in a countdown, her anxiety went back to normal. Seungyoon was aware of his friend’s state, so he decided to comfort her while he carried his guitar on shoulder.

- We’re going to be fine. Relax.

Chaeyoung just nodded, feeling his touch on her shoulder while their steps took them into the hotel, walking through that shiny bright floor, those chandeliers that seemed to cost the eyes out of their faces and those people dressed in formal clothes. She felt completely out of place, thinking that maybe she didn’t pay enough attention to her looks. Perhaps it was her insecurity speaking, but she swore that as soon as she entered, all of those faces turned to her in not so gentle stares.

Seungyoon served as a comfort until the superior place where the event was taking place in a big saloon. Other people wearing suits and aprons walked frantically to and fro while serious men talked to each other in front of a big double door, similar to one of those seen in the Titanic film.

- What’s this event about again? – Her scared eyes went through the place.

- It’s for charity, so the high society can compete who donates more for political interests. – She could hear disgust in his voice.

- Again, how did they choose us? – She saw a lot of chairs and tables covered in white, sophisticated, probably costing a lot more than her whole apartment.  – If it’s for rich people, why bother hire people who, I don’t know, aren’t actually professionals?

- We’re not professionals? – His voice sounded incredulous. They were now stepping on red carpet that led them to this simple but very costly stage. – We already have records that are better than some of the indies out there. Please, Chaeyoung-ah.

Seungyoon stopped in front of this big piano painted in black and gold, while Chaeyoung went to his side and saw him looking for someone around. She just smiled in response, staying there until minutes later this tall, thin and hairless man appeared and told what they expected for that night.

From that moment, things started to get ready, just as much as the woman’s spirit.

---

Mess was the word to describe her mind as she watched the place get crowded. Even the thoughts from the beginning of the day started to hit her at that point. In a certain way, she wanted that event to just go by fast, that in a blink she could already find herself saying goodbye and thanking for the night and for the invitation, but on the other hand she wanted to live that every instant since it wasn’t going to happen every day. It was an honour but still made her stomach mad. In a countdown, which she wished never ended, the host welcomed everyone, addressed some topics and with food getting served, he announced them.

Her heart started to beat like crazy. Her legs seemed to tremble when she got up. Seungyoon tried to give her a reassuring smile, but now it didn’t depend only on him. She already had similar experiences, why was she so nervous? She asked herself while walking to the bench, in front of the mic stand.

Seungyoon being charismatic like always – she thanked him – announced their duo one more time and talked some more, then receiving applauses and looks from everywhere. Chaeyoung just agreed to everything like a kid would do, her stare discreetly being on the chandelier so she didn’t have to face all of that attention. Then, the sound of Seungyoon’s chords started to echo. Being only acoustic she couldn’t do it wrong and that scared her but that’s exactly what happened. Chaeyoung lost the tempo of the song and as soon as she did, her face turned to her partner, almost as if already apologizing before she ran away in shame.

However, the man kept going like nothing happened, like it was normal and gave her a small smile to comfort her. Chaeyoung gulped, almost swallowing a lump in , but as she saw him almost whispering “You can do it” while his eyes showed a “be brave”, that lump started to go away. When she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her voice started to flow like expected.

At first people could sense a little bit of her nervousness but things changed bit by bit. Chaeyoung relaxed through the song and released even more that voice which enchanted everybody who ever listened to it.

Some people changed their attention – like expected – so they could socialize. The song was nice and perfect for that situation, so after the initial judgment and the “pre-approval” of that duo, they went back to their priorities: food and boring conversations. Yet, in the middle of all those people, on one table in which the conversation seemed a little frenetic and scandalous for such type of event, a pair of very curious feline eyes observed both singers that were almost a background for the rest of them. It could be a thing from her mind but seeing that face surrounded by a red and somewhat longer hair reminded her of someone she didn’t see for some years already. Someone she used to know better than anyone, that lived with her for a long time.

At first, in between vague answers to the questions those people made to her, she thought she was just seeing things. That person in front of her seemed even skinnier than what she had in mind and she for sure didn’t match with that ghost from her past that was always saying she couldn’t make “drastic” changes to her visual like that. People changed, yes, but Jennie couldn’t see in that person the Chaeyoung she once knew, at University, that seemed so cheerful and full of dreams to conquer in front of her.

She could be imagining things after all, it could just be the songs she was told to sing, but that voice seemed to share more sadness than the lyrics showed to them. Jennie found herself almost hypnotized as every instant went by and that even fell into some of her friend’s attention, making them curious. “They’re good, right?” The woman wearing a silk dress by her side smiled and looked to the same direction, making her just nod in agreement. In a certain way, she was more bothered with the strange resemblance of that woman at the stage with someone else than ready to enjoy that performance that yes, was very good.

When the performance stopped for a moment so the host could say some stuff, she almost groaned when she saw someone calling her. It was a call she couldn’t neglect, so that made her go out for instants, preventing her of finding out more of that person she thought she knew.

Chaeyoung, on the other hand, felt a lot more calm, being able to actually breathe and look at the audience for more than 2 seconds without looking away. The pause lasted for some more minutes until they had the chance to finish up their performance so they could also enjoy the cocktail and the rest of the night with the others, when they opened the other saloon with bars and a dance floor.

The second part of the performance was a lot better, with her regaining confidence and even interacting with Seungyoon, by the piano. In the end of what lasted more or less 45 minutes, that horror – or maybe dream, she was still in doubt – ended. They were applauded, received with smiles and complements from the host and an invite to participate in what was going to be like an after party. When Chaeyoung realized that everything went well and she didn’t actually suffer a heart attack, she got so excited that she almost bit her hand closed in a fist and it was that small thing that even if steps away, made Jennie recognize her. It was an old, silly habit. It had to be her, it had to be. The brunette’s eyes looked at her face with attention, while she saw her getting off the stage. She first wanted to approach but as soon as they put some other song on the background, a friend pulled her by the arm to comment something.

When she turned her face, even if briefly, the woman was gone.

---

Chaeyoung and Seungyoon went to the open bar inside another double door and sat there, happiness being evident in their voices. When everyone else started to gather there, both of them went directly to the bar’s elegant balcony, seeing lots of expensive bottles being showed up on the wall behind it.

- A toast to our success! – Seungyoon lifted his glass as soon as the barman attended them.

Chaeyoung smiled big, taking all of that liquid with no hesitation. The drinks were free to them so the new objective on her mind was just to take advantage of that detail. After a few minutes there she even accepted the thoughts of what happened earlier, that hour being even perfect to reinforce that there was no remorse. A cup of alcohol in hand and Chaeyoung got filled with pseudo-bravery, full of promises that she not always reminded to accomplish.

It lasted some other doses of friendly conversation between then until Seungyoon found a friend that was working as a waiter. Chaeyoung briefly talked to him but didn’t pay much attention to their conversation, until Seungyoon said he was going to be right back soon. As she focused on her thoughts and her eyes stared at the wooden table, the presence that arrived by her right side just seemed like another figure. However, the voice that invaded her eardrums were anything but ghostly.

- Chaeyoung…?

The red-haired girl frowned her eyebrows when she turned to see who called her. For a moment she wondered if that was a question or someone calling her. Her doubts were soon solved when her eyes fell onto the beautiful figure by her side. She had her hair arranged on just one side, wearing a white dress, lips nice and delimited in a reddish tone. If Chaeyoung didn’t know better, she would’ve thought she was already drunk seeing mirages.

The woman in front of her smiled but all she could do was stare, like she silently asked what she had in mind.

- Oh…I think I mistook you for someone else… - She smiled awkwardly when she saw that from Chaeyoung’s open mouth nothing was going to come out. At least not until the moment her brain started to connect her thoughts to her speaking skills.

The brunette made a mention like she was going to apologize but Chaeyoung interrupted, looking directly into her eyes. She knew who she was. Those eyes once were responsible for great moments of love, where she felt loved for the first time. Kissing those lips were once Chaeyoung’s favourite hobby, on her whole life. There was no mistakes.

- Jennie… - Her voice came out weak, making her think the woman wouldn’t be able to even hear it.

However, the smile that got bigger showed she was wrong.

- Wow. – She sighed almost as if in relief. – I thought I talked to someone else. Or that you wouldn’t recognize me, I don’t know.

Chaeyoung knew that she was still acting stupid but it was something she couldn’t avoid. Her blank expression wasn’t because she didn’t care or something like that. It was a mixture of surprise, doubt and mainly hesitation. There she was, Kim Jennie, the woman with whom she shared long years of friendship and relationship, 3 years before.

- No. It’s just that… - Chaeyoung regained her rational thinking and her lips, trying to express in her best way as she couldn’t stop staring at her face. – Ever since I saw you…You look amazing.

Her tone was timid and she hoped that Jennie didn’t notice. Nonetheless, Jennie soon realized that the woman in front of her was a little uncomfortable with that meeting and she understood exactly why. It wasn’t something that was going to prevent her of staying, though. Jennie nodded and commented something as in thanks while she sat by her side. The barman noticed her presence and under Chaeyoung’s observing stare, she asked for a Martini as she lifted her thin fingers.

- Well, you also look really good. Different, but still with the same young face… - Jennie turned to her, noticing almost immediately that Chaeyoung’s eyes went back to the cup she had in hands.

It could be a tense atmosphere but she wanted to make it clear that there was no reasons for that to happen. What happened in the past, should stay in the past. She didn’t hold grudges but she wouldn’t blame Chaeyoung if she had forgotten that about her.

- You kinda let me down by saying this…I would prefer you saying I look older with this new look. -  Chaeyoung tried to make a self-depreciative joke, making her look askance just to see Jennie giggling as a result.

- I don’t think so…. – Jennie kept on analyzing her profile. A brief silence came by, leaving it that she would have to insist if she didn’t make it clear that everything was ok between them – So, great show! I always knew you had the talent but wow! I was impressed.

Chaeyoung half-smiled. – Thanks but I was almost throwing up on those men in suits. – She lifted her cup to end that shot.

Jennie laughed once again.

- But then you did great. That partner of yours…What’s his name?

- Seungyoon.

- Seungyoon. He’s also an amazing musician. You two are together for a long time?

Chaeyoung almost turned to look at her, seeming to understand her question in a completely wrong way. Her expression demonstrated that, actually. On the following instants she pondered if Jennie was being sarcastic while asking that, but Jennie soon noticed and tried to redo-it.

- On the project, I mean.

Oh. Was all Chaeyoung let out.

- Hm, just a year. But we’re friends for a long time now.

- I understand. – The barman finalized the drink and handed it to her, to which she received with a thankful grin.

- You…What are you doing here? – Chaeyoung gathered some more courage to investigate the reason of that meeting. She could never think it would be possible again.

- I’m here for a friend’s marriage but today it’s a work schedule.

Hearing the word marriage triggered a certain thought on Chaeyoung’s mind. Her eyes rapidly fell to the hands that held the Martini glass, looking for any vestiges of commitment. It seemed ridiculous but she wanted to know and for sure she would die without asking anything about it. On her fingers, some shiny fancy rings, more valuable than the clothes she herself wore. Chaeyoung gulped, but nothing said.

- Well… It’s weird to see you here. – Chaeyoung let out without wanting, gaining a small laugh from the other woman. – I mean, I would never expect…

- Yeah I know, it’s been a long time since we saw each other…But tell me, why don’t we catch up on things? If you want, of course.

Jennie seemed so happy to see her that Chaeyoung soon felt guilty for acting so “uninterested”.  It wasn’t exactly like that but it would be hard to explain. Thinking like that, she accepted and tried to smile a little bit more, to make it clear that she was enjoying her presence.

That’s when she allowed herself to tell some of the things that happened, answering basically to every question Jennie made. Wanting or not, it was weird. They had a beautiful past but in the end, everything turned out much more turbulent than they would like. Even if Chaeyoung thought it was complex to explain their story, things were actually simple in reality.

Chaeyoung met her on a freshman’s party in Seoul. Jennie studied something completely different from her, she herself was a foreigner and seemed a little lost with everything happening. Still shy, she didn’t even remember why she was there after all. At first, it was out of empathy from Jennie’s part when she offered drinks and her company but in the end, Jennie conquered her interest in staying there, so they could share more thoughts while the others partied hard. Jennie had some experience living abroad and Chaeyoung soon felt their minds were alike, being that one of the main factors that made them build a friendship so quickly. They started to accompany each other, to go out together, stay at each other’s dorms for hours and hours watching films and doing things they judged to be fun, together. Even if during the time Chaeyoung wanted to deny it, she slowly fell in love with her new best friend.

She had been already feeling a desire for a person of the same for a while. She denied it with all of her force but when it hit her sometimes it was easily forgettable. With Jennie things were different. Perhaps because falling in love with a best friend could be dangerous or the fact that it didn’t seem to be something that would go away soon but Chaeyoung found herself extremely conflicted. When by accident she discovered Jennie shared the same feeling, she decided to just let things be. The feeling was too good to worry about it. However, things got complicated bit by bit. The thoughts intensified just like their feelings and she knew she couldn't keep that secret forever.

That’s when fear arrived. Fear of her parents reaction, fear of the students reaction, her teachers, her friends. Fear of everything. This brought along anxiety, insecurity and what hurt the most: hesitation. Hesitation of showing too much PDA in public, or even link their arms – something they already did as just friends – with fear that they would be discovered and bullied. Jennie supported her for a lot of moments, but it got to a point where she just hurt herself more and more.

She didn’t want to force anything but Chaeyoung was already too used to that situation, like they would stay like that forever. The young woman pondered for days alone, breaking her mind and thinking if that would be for the best but as soon as Chaeyoung arrived tired from a exhausting day, laid on her lap on their dorm, she forgot about everything because she also didn’t want to lose that if things went wrong.

Yet, it got to a time that an ultimatum was needed. The fuse arrived in form of a letter, in which her mother asked her to return to New Zealand because she was almost too sick of missing her. It was days of questioning but in the end, she decided that it would be great to transfer her studies and go back to the country she lived for most part of her childhood. Still, she couldn’t just let that person she loved too much go, so she asked. The person rejected without even putting into thought, leaving fear to win her once again. Leaving fear to be more important than all the love Chaeyoung said she felt for her. The request never left her thoughts, or her broken heart.

“I hate her.” Those were the words Jennie let it slip to a mutual friend before she traveled back home. Chaeyoung heard those words as if she witnessed herself and they echoed through her mind for many nights in which she cried until she got asleep. After 4 of dating, a bad breakup, no contact after that. But then there she was, even more beautiful, talking to her like nothing happened. Chaeyoung didn’t know what to think of that, but she decide to just go with the flow.

---

Seungyoon returned but it didn’t take much until he said goodbye to both women, saying he had to wake up early the next day. Chaeyoung knew that was true but she also suspected maybe he found something better for that night. She didn’t care, since she also found one. Unexpected, but special. They talked and talked until they started to notice the party was almost over. That’s when Jennie invited her to go to her hotel room so she could show her some pictures on her notebook, just so they could reminisce the old days. Neither had second intentions, not even after all those drinks.

Chaeyoung sensed Jennie had somebody. It wasn’t like the rings were something concrete, – she tried to deceive herself – Jennie always liked to wear accessories, but still it wasn’t right for her to try anything. Who was she to mess with something that still had open wounds, covered with just loosened bandages? Jennie was also aware of that. At 2:30AM, they found themselves going into Jennie’s hotel room, leaving Chaeyoung amazed. It was clear that Jennie succeeded into her profession, a fact that made her even more ashamed for temporary giving up because of completely hasty decisions.

- So you’re saying you didn’t talk to Lalisa since then? – Jennie took off her shoes and walked the room until she reached the table, where her laptop was.

- Not just Lalisa. Everyone. – Chaeyoung cautiously approached, still being very observant.

- She went back to Thailand. We still see each other sometimes when I go there. She even asked me about you a few times. – She took the computer and left it at the sofa, going to fetch a wine bottle and two glasses in what seemed to be a mini bar.

Chaeyoung sat beside the computer and crossed her legs, just watching every movement Jennie made. The woman kept on talking about her meetings with Lalisa being all smiley, but Chaeyoung seemed to be focused in gawking every detail of her appearance. Jennie still was the most beautiful woman she ever met in her life. Maybe because she was never capable of forgiving herself for everything, she was never able to also find someone who made her feel all those butterflies in her stomach like Jennie did. Or still does. On the darkness of that night and after all those drinks, she wasn’t so sure anymore.

They kept on remembering things while listening to songs playing at the radio until they fell into a silence that was kind of comfortable. Chaeyoung had half glass of wine in hand and stared at the carpet when her brain started to pay too much attention to the song that was playing. Jennie didn’t seem to notice, but that was almost like fate’s prank. The lyrics were sung in a bittersweet way, about a relationship that had everything to last but didn’t. The singer had the point of view of someone who left everything go through his fingers and Chaeyoung, wanting or not, put herself on his place.

She soon felt the urge to touch on that subject. She couldn’t avoid it anymore.

- Jennie.

The older woman seemed to be busy seeing some things she received on her phone.

- Yeah?

- Do you still hate me?

The question made her stop everything to look at her right away. She for sure didn’t expect to hear that.

- Hate you?

- Yeah. When…Before you left, you said to Lalisa that you hated me. Because I gave up. Because I didn’t have the courage.

Jennie was taken by surprise, taking a while to reply while seeming thoughtful.

- I never hated you, Chaeyoung. – She placed the computer on her side, leaving her phone on her lap.

- I understand if you do, you can be honest.

- I am being honest. If I hated you would I be talking to you now?

- …I don’t know. Maybe you still have grudges.

- You really forgot some things about me.

Chaeyoung nodded slowly, sighing deeply right after.

- Yeah, but I wish I had forgotten other things about you.

Jennie arched her eyebrows, looking directly into her eyes to try to understand what she tried to say. Chaeyoung didn’t want to maintain that for much longer, so she started to stare at her own hands.

- Like what?

- Like…Your smile, I don’t know. – She gulped. – Your laugh. You always invaded my dreams and tormented my nightmares, you know?

Jennie noticed Chaeyoung’s bitter laugh, being even more compelled to keep listening. In a certain way what she was doing was dangerous, but she wanted to at least hear a bit more of that.

- You know I was always a religious person but at times I got mad at God because I begged Him to make me stop loving you but he never listened… - Chaeyoung kept her head low, fearing Jennie’s reaction. – It was painful and I hurt you a lot.

Jennie sighed when she heard those words. Pretending nothing ever happened seemed to be a much more perfect and secure plan than that.

- Did He eventually hear you?

- … - Chaeyoung bit her lower lip, lifting her eyes a bit as if she was a child awaiting for their parent’s approval. – I was never brave enough, right?

- Do you want the truth? – Jennie giggled shortly, receiving a nod. – You always feared everything. You were always scared of being happy.

- But it’s not easy like that.

- You still haven’t…? – Jennie’s question meant about telling everyone and Chaeyoung rapidly went back to being submissive under her stare.

- No.

Jennie took a deep breath, this time a little more frustrated for noticing that Chaeyoung still haven’t changed in that aspect, as it seemed.

- That was always the problem. To move to another country so suddenly I know, I was asking too much of you but I remember I said that day in campus that I wanted you more than anything else. …All I wanted there, was for you to be brave enough to say in front of everyone that you also wanted me back. But you didn’t say. After everything we went through, you did nothing but apologize.

Chaeyoung didn’t need to hear those words to remember detail by detail of what happened. It was when they met at campus park, the moment Jennie told her everything and asked her to go along. She also remembered really well she walked away fast, with tears in her eyes, after apologizing without even looking in her eyes.

The younger woman sighed, feeling a lump on . It was even more evident right there, that the feeling still existed, the prayers she asked God didn’t have much effect. At least not when Jennie was in front of her.

- Anyway, it’s past. We can start again. – She could see Jennie trying to smile, while she moved to go take the glass she left on the floor so she could pour some more wine.

However, by impulse, Chaeyoung’s hand went up to gently hold her wrist, making her look back at her.

- Is that possible? – Their eyes met and this time none were able to look away.

Jennie took a while to reply. She wasn’t certain if what she saw in Chaeyoung’s eyes was really what she thought it was. If that was the case, she didn’t know she really would want that to happen. It wasn’t possible, not again.

- To start again? – Chaeyoung repeated, feeling some type of bravery so sudden that it matched the one that made her quit her job hours before.

To Chaeyoung’s eyes, Jennie’s nervousness because they were close was clear, and it only increased little by little. She couldn’t tell if that nervousness was the same she felt right before their first kiss, but her stare falling rapidly to her lips moving in “Why not?” words, seemed to understand like this, in a biased way, to just follow the heart that beat so fast inside her chest.

She wasn’t aware but her body soon inclined enough so she could land a kiss on Jennie’s lips. She didn’t want to move, just like Jennie who seemed to be petrified by that action. Her eyes were closed and even if that kiss wasn’t kind of something that reached close to one full of love, for sure served as a trigger for the realization that yes, she still loved her and no, she still hasn’t forgotten her cowardice.

It took longer than she expected, but Chaeyoung wasn’t even a bit surprised when she felt Jennie stopping the kiss, as soon as she seemed to regain her senses.

- No. – Jennie lifted her free hand to Chaeyoung’s shoulder, so she could put some distance between them. Her voice sounded bewildered but too strong to the scenery Chaeyoung imagined so many times in her head, of them possibly going back into a relationship.

The younger woman sighed, knowing that that wasn’t more than just a kiss. Just a simple kiss, that probably wouldn’t change anything.

- Things don’t work this way. – Jennie forced a laugh and finally turned away from her while getting up and giving her back, both hands now on her head. – It’s not right.

- I’m sorry. – Chaeyoung murmured but she was certain Jennie was too busy with her thoughts to hear her.

- This shouldn’t have happened. – She could hear her saying it to herself.

That hurt like a stab in her heart, even though it was expected.

- Jennie I’m really sorry, I acted oh impulse… - Chaeyoung got up, so she could try to turn the brunette’s body so they could make visual contact. – Seeing you again, it just revived what I never was able to get away from me. It was wrong but…

Chaeyoung saw her turn, with an expression that made it visible her conflicted thoughts.

- Yes, it was wrong. It’s my fault.

- It’s not really like this.

- Yes, I invited you. I was the one who went to talk to you. – She looked like she was in panic, looking at her in a strange way.

Chaeyoung felt even more guilty of everything. She could already know that kiss didn’t have the same effect in Jennie. While it caused a minimum feeling of heaven and happiness in her, in Jennie it was different. It left her disturbed, nervous, guilty.

- I’m a coward and this is not your fault! – She tried to interrupt the quick commentaries she made, those that tried to convince herself it was a mistake. If Chaeyoung had to keep on watching that, she would get even more hurt than she already was. – I ed up everything we had and…I wasn’t able to forget you! I didn’t move on, I’m weak even when it comes to this…

She approached a bit to reaffirm that the guilt was purely hers but Jennie out of in instinct, took a step back.

- It’s crazy but I still have feelings for you and-

- I have someone else, Chaeyoung! – Jennie interrupted, leaving then a silence that was so dense that it could be cut in pieces.

Chaeyoung stopped her movements and her eyes went to Jennie’s eyes. Her desire to run away got strong, her anxiety level reaching even higher spots than when she was singing in front of those people. Jennie lifted her hand.

- I’m engaged… - Her eyes started to become shiny. – I’m-I’m sorry but…I don’t know where my head was when I showed up out of nowhere and…Maybe I gave you the wrong idea!

- You didn’t. – Chaeyoung went back to try to gulp that lump in , without much success. – You just confirmed what I still had doubts…Confirmed that I… - Chaeyoung felt a tear escape, a surprise even to herself. – That I still stupidly love you and that I’m still a loser, complete idiot that kept dreaming with the possibility of you still loving me back.

She for sure didn’t imagine her night ending like that. Her heart was in pieces and she could feel every part of herself melt in disgust, with herself, with how easy was for her to fool herself. Jennie wasn’t the one to blame, just her.

- I’m sorry, I didn’t want to play with you, I didn’t want this to happen but…It’s weird, I didn’t think that after all these years you would still feel something like this for me. – Jennie also left herself be taken by emotions, some tears escaping with no effort. – You know…I hurt myself a lot at that time and I know you did too, but I fought hard to move on…I couldn’t go back to square one.  

Chaeyoung nodded a lot of times in comprehension, now cleaning new tears that fell feeling ashamed for showing it too much. Ashamed for acting that like that, a fool. She knew it wasn’t what she thought it was but still, exposed herself. Jennie was trying to apologize the best she could and Chaeyoung got that, but in a certain way those words were only making it worse for her feelings.

- Do you understand me? I didn’t go to talk to you with the intention of revenge, or of hurting you, I just… - Jennie sighed again, trying to control, to think of better ways of saying what she wanted. – After all these years I found someone else…Hell, I even thought you would’ve done it because…Look at you! – She gestured with her arms. – You were always beautiful, sweet and anyone would fall in love-

Chaeyoung’s eyes got even more flooded with tears as she heard those words. That made her feel even more guilty, because she was crying like that as if something much more profound happened, instead of just a kiss. Maybe it was the drinking mixed with previous events, maybe not. She just wanted that to end.

- What I want to say is that…I’m really sorry Chaeyoung…But I don’t love you anymore… I mean I still have this… -

And there it was, the words Chaeyoung already expected to hear. Jennie kept on going but Chaeyoung’s ears didn’t hear anymore. Those were the final words, the last stab to her already beaten up body. She was strong, kept her head high, but her teeth soon bit strongly her lower lip just so she could hold those tears. Hearing that after Jennie made it clear that she didn’t feel anything was the final point of all that. Something enlightening that she wanted to hear, even though it was just a kiss. However, even if there was a need for her not so sober state hear those harsh words, it didn’t mean she couldn’t also feel the consequences.

- …Another person has taken over my heart and I hope you understand that…

Oh I understand. She thought, giving a bitter laugh. She understood very well. Her head stood low for the first time, so she could try to think of what to say, try to recompose from all those shots. There, she was the aim of Jennie’s worried stare.

A few seconds of recomposition and silence went by and then Chaeyoung nodded one more time, before she looked up and tried to give her a real smile, to show that she understood, that she didn’t have to worry.

- It’s ok. – Her voice was already less shaky, thankfully. – I understand and of course you’re on your right. – Deep down her smile was a bit sincere and Jennie could notice that. The latter’s eyes tried to convey generosity, but to Chaeyoung they didn’t show more than just pity. – You don’t love me anymore and…I can’t make you love me. Not after all these years. I understand.

If someone were to witness that, they would know right away that those words now coming out in a loud tone from the younger woman served only to try to convince herself.

- No, I didn’t get the wrong idea believe me, I was impulsive…But you’re right about one thing. – Chaeyoung gave some steps backwards, already decided that after that, she would leave. – This meeting was a mistake. You can’t mess with open wounds. – She gulped, finally taking a deep breath to have strength. – I have to go.

Before Jennie could speak anything else while looking into her eyes, Chaeyoung lowered her head again and took her purse, trying to run away as fast as she could. Jennie walked along with her, words still stuck in , wanting to apologize even more.

- Chaeyoung-

- It’s ok. – She replied, arriving at the door in quick steps. As she turned the door knob, she slowly looked over her shoulder, so she could have a one last look on Jennie. – It’s not your fault, ok? – She gave a small smile, making Jennie hold hear urge to cry more. – Take care and…Be happy. You deserve it.

Without giving much space to prolong that, Chaeyoung left and as soon as she stepped on the hotel’s corridor, she quickened her pace as much as she could. She couldn’t know what the hell had just happened but she knew that was too real to just be a hallucination out of so many alcohol drinks. Without looking back, Chaeyoung walked that whole hotel with a heavy heart, those five words echoing on her mind again, and again, and again.

For a moment that seemed to be fate’s work. She wished that at any moment she would wake up and sigh in relief because it was just something that never happened. But at every step she took to go back home, that pain in her chest was too real for just a dream. On a day that nothing followed her beloved common, on a day that she seemed to have reached the apex of her shy bravery, everything fell apart like a house of cards. In seconds she found her, in other seconds she lost her again. It’s just that this time she wanted to have lost her forever, for her well-being.

If before Chaeyoung despised the feeling of hate more than any other, from that moment she saw herself out of the hotel, with tears filling her eyes automatically, she knew for sure such thing didn’t exist anymore. If there was a thing that hurt more than to hear a real “I hate you”, it was “I don’t love you anymore.” Something raw, that sounded even more cruel to a stubborn heart. Experiencing this could make her more human, but unfortunately that had a costly price. From dislike to hate, a line so thin as love’s.

In the end, to those five words, she promised to dedicate all of her complete hatred.  

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Inspired by: "Heartbreak Hotel" by Tiffany & "I Don't Love You Anymore" by Urban Zakapa.

Author's Note: Even though there wasn't much Chaennie moments and it was more Chaeyoung!Centric I wanted to convey the feelings I have when listening these two songs that I like very much...Feelings about being brave, about hatred, regrets, not always having a happy ending, so here it is...It's long and perhaps a bit tiring, I apologize, but I hope the ones that read it got to understand a bit of what I'm saying? It was a struggle to put into words lol Anyway, with this Chaennie I think I'm ending my challenge of writing oneshots for every OTP in BLACKPINK. I don't know if I will continue, but if I do perhaps I will make you choose one of the 6 OS for me to write one more chapter, I'll see. I'm deeply grateful and happy for all the subscribes, upvotes and sweet comments you guys left me so thank you, really. ♥