It was bound to happen – Mina convinces herself. There are nine people in Twice, an odd number which troubles Mina the most. The number is meant to reflect some sort of bond that Girls’ Generation sunbaes once had, or so their CEO said. They are supposed to prove that they are better and can become the next nation’s girl group – Twice is the real OT9, now that Girls’ Generation is reduced to an even number of eight. Ironic, because the lead dancer feels that they are anything but bonded.

When there are an odd number of people, someone is bound to get left out. (Mina guesses that she is just unlucky.)

Maybe that is why Jessica left Girls’ Generation – and she seems so much happier without the burden of being the odd one out. Jessica took seven years to finally pack her bags and leave. It makes Mina question if she will ever get over this feeling. Will she end up leaving Twice too, branded by supposedly loyal fans as the black sheep of the group? The thought makes her lower lip tremble because she doesn’t want that. She wants to stay with Twice for ten, twenty years, maybe forever. She wants them to remain friends. She wants them to be happy together.

Mina wants a lot of things, but most of the time, what she wants doesn’t matter.

Like how she wanted to room with someone – anyone – but ended up having a room all to herself. The members complain about their roommates frequently, like how Jungyeon groans when Momo leaves food crumbs in her room, or how Jihyo wants to cry when she sees Nayeon leaving a trail of clothes as she undresses. Mina always laughs softly because they all grumble their grievances to her and tell her she’s lucky for having a room all to herself. She doesn’t say anything else because her tongue feels too heavy from too many unsaid words.

Mina wishes she could complain about her roommate – loneliness.

In the darkness of her room, barely illuminated by the streetlights outside her window, the happy facade peels off her like a worn-out skin. Funny how all her walls only come crashing down when she’s surrounded by four walls. She would have laughed at the irony of it all if only she didn’t feel like crying. But she cannot let her tears fall because her members are still awake due to the lack of schedules these days. She prays that no one finds her like this, huddling in a corner of the room with reddened eyes and messy hair.

No one needs to know of this. The members are already troubled with too many things. They have their own insecurities and they do not need another burden which comes in the form of Myoui Mina. The girl remembers how her team members had looked at her with frustrated eyes when she could not get the choreography down during Sixteen. Nayeon and the rest had comforted her when she cried, telling her that they didn’t blame her. Mina knows they were telling the truth, but she recognized the look in their eyes. It was the same look her parents had given her when she had not managed to score an A for a test – a look of exhaustion and disappointment.

Suddenly, there is a knock on her door and her heart quickens. Hastily, she picks up her phone and opens up her internet browser, hoping that she doesn’t look like a mess. The door opens and light from the living room Jihyo pops her head in and smiles her unnie smile – a smile that warms Mina slightly and makes her realize why Jihyo was appointed leader.

“Mina-ya, I know you’re a homebody but can you emerge from your cave for a while?”

Mina thinks she isn’t a homebody (she’s just lonely), but she gives a tight-lipped smile and hopes Jihyo can’t see through her in the darkness.

“Sure, I’m reading something so give me a minute?” Her voice does not tremble and she is thankful she at least has some semblance of control over her emotions.

“Okay, come out soon. We have chocolate ice cream, your favourite,” Jihyo says.

The light gets shut out as Jihyo closes the door. Shrouded in midnight once again, Mina wonders why the room seems darker than before. Glancing at her phone, she sighs at the white emptiness that fills the screen. She thumbs the home button and she is instantly taken to her homepage. She studies the background for a while – a group picture of Twice, with her face slightly cut out because her screen isn’t large enough to accommodate the picture.

Maybe things should be this way, with her out of the picture.

Her grip loosens on the phone and she lets the phone slip from between her fingers, clattering noisily against the floor. She can hear her members’ voices outside, slightly muffled but still discernable. She thinks about joining them, trying to imagine her own voice blending in with theirs. (Mina can almost hear a certain kind of dissonance just by thinking of her own soft voice in contrast with the loud ones outside.)

She figures that she is probably an immiscible liquid – she just doesn't blend well. It makes her think of hands that are supposed to fit and hearts that are supposed to be in sync.

That is why she ends up not joining them, clutching at her chest in the darkness and wondering why her heart seems to be beating all wrong.

///

It is during Tzuyu’s birthday party held in conjunction with a fan sign when she feels the distance between her and her members grow. Fans are invited to join in as well and the venue is filled with male fans, with female fans occasionally popping up. Her members are surrounding their maknae now and Jihyo has a camera filming v-app in real time.

Mina stands a distance away, watching the members congregate around. She is aware of the many fan cameras that are filming her, so she fixes a smile, deathly hoping the cameras will not be able to capture the stiff smile she is sporting.

Someone suggests that they give Tzuyu birthday kisses but Mina cannot tell who. There is too much noise, with the members talking loudly and fans clamouring to grab their attention. She feels seized with chaos and her hands are balled into fists. The table cluttered with fan-given presents barely manage to hide away her fists – but she doesn’t know why her teeth are gritted together in a tight smile, why her fists are clenched, or why her chest feels so tight.

Tzuyu is adorned with a birthday hat and the members are eagerly taking their turns to land their lips on Tzuyu. Nayeon plants a kiss on the girl’s cheek loudly and she buries her face in both her hands in embarrassment. Mina sees how adorable Tzuyu is, the maknae who everyone adores, the visual who is always in front during a performance, the prized center of all attention. The fans go crazy at the skinship and Mina laughs, making sure to complement it with several claps. She looks away after that, the sight somehow paining her. Their leader goes straight to Tzuyu to film her up close, brushing past Mina.

She feels like thin air, except that she cannot float and drift away. It makes her wish she was the maknae and not somewhere in the middle, stuck with the responsibilities of being both an unnie and a respectful dongsaeng.

Tzuyu looks like she’s drowning in kisses and the fans call for Mina to kiss Tzuyu too. She mouths ‘wait’ to the fans and inches closer to Tzuyu. She hates feeling like this – her envy altering its form into a green-eyed monster like some post Fukushima nightmare. Inhaling deeply, she tries to shove negative thoughts into the back of her head because she knows Tzuyu would rather be treated with insincerity rather than artificial sincerity (especially after all that she has been through).

She touches Tzuyu’s arm lightly, getting her attention. The youngest member grins at her with happiness alight in her eyes. Her eyes are clear and honest that Mina feels like she has been punched in the gut with remorse. Swallowing uneasily, she shuffles closer to Tzuyu.

“Tzuyu-ah, unnie hasn’t kissed you yet,” she manages to say and the younger girl obediently allows herself to be pulled by Mina.

Like the lovable maknae she is, she bends her knees to lower her height in consideration. Mina can feel herself withering in guilt because Tzuyu is too kind, heart overflowing with the kindest intentions. Mina holds her head gently before standing on the tip of her toes to press her lips against Tzuyu’s forehead. (It is both a birthday wish and an apology, but nobody knows about the latter except for her own guilty conscience.)

The fans scream at her gesture because she is the only one so far to have kissed Tzuyu on the forehead. The Taiwanese girl grins widely, despite her usual reluctance to show her teeth when she smiles. (Tzuyu thinks she doesn’t look pretty when she smiles with her teeth. Mina thinks otherwise.) It alleviates the weight on her heart and Mina feels better, her chest less tight and breathing easier.

Her laughs are a lot more genuine after that (but the ache behind her ribs doesn’t leave her).

///

Mina doesn’t want to leave the set.

It’s a rare feeling because Mina usually never lingers after shootings, facial muscles tired from smiling too much. But this time she stays around after her Melody Project shoot, walking alone to find staffs to thank and give appreciation to. The set is beautiful and the staffs have given her a bouquet of flowers, sweet drinks, and a well-designed cake. Even so, these are not the reason why she chooses to stay.

Her phone bleeped earlier in the afternoon, alerting her of a message from the Twice chat group. Sana texted that they might drop by the filming location to watch and give their encouragement. She waited anxiously since then, watching time crawl by and glancing at the entrance of the filming set every now and then. Even now, she clings on to the last rays of hope while the sun sets, transitioning from day to night.

She wants to see her members.

One of the staffs approaches her with a camera in hand and a polite smile, asking if she wants to film her concluding interview for Melody Project. Mina checks her phone again, but only her background shows up. (The picture where she gets cut out.) She wants to do her interview with the rest of her members, so she delays it for ten minutes, feeling guilt seep in for making the staff wait.

She waits alone, unlocking her phone every other minute, only to see the battery life depleting and no incoming message from her members. Her manager shows up, all folded arms and grumpiness sketched all over his face.

“Mina, aren’t you going to do the interview now?”

“I told unnie to give me ten minutes. The members might be coming,” she says softly, eyes trained on the ground.

She hears her manager sigh and it makes her wish she wasn’t such an inconvenience to the people around her.

“Okay, don’t delay it any further than that.”

“I’m sorry.”

The manager nods and passes by the staff who is in charge of filming her interview. The staff walks towards her and she hurriedly checks her phone, disappointedly noting the time.

Ten minutes are up. As if on cue, her phone pings and she grabs her phone excitedly, only to be greeted by a carelessly written message from Sana.

Sana: Sorry Mina-ya, Dahyun and Jungyeon are too lazy to move. We’re ordering chicken for dinner now~

She reads the message over and over again, her mind refusing to make sense of the words. It makes her bite her inner lip, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She sinks her nails into the smooth skin of her palm, needing to remind herself that she still has an interview to film. Looking outside the set, she sees the last of the sun fade away into the horizon. Without light, the darkness comes invading in from foreign places. She locks her phone screen, the message surfacing repeatedly in her mind. (They don’t even