The mix of emotions that swelled in my chest was… a lot.

I watched Jooheon order our drinks through his face mask.

He had lost a lot of weight. His legs, currently covered by tight leggings style pants, were still strong but less… thick. All of the softness in his body had disappeared. I wondered if he had done it on his own, or if the company had made him.

My moment of quiet observance was cut short.

Jooheon took a seat across from me. He was obviously nervous, turning the order beeper over in his hands.

He stayed quiet.

I waited.

Finally…

“How lon-“

The beeper in his hands went off.

After retrieving our drinks, he resituated himself and started much more quickly.

“Why did you leave?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. Resting my head on my hand, I stirred my cup in as accusatorial a manner as I could.

“Probably had something to do with you breaking up with me.”

Jooheon looked like I had slapped him.

I felt guilty, but also a little satisfied with that.

“Okay… that’s fair… but,” Jooheon rubbed his face, “why didn’t you come back?”

“You never asked me to.”

Jooheon slouched in his chair. His eyes seemed unfocused, and I knew he wasn’t seeing the cafe anymore.

“It was just something I said. After seeing you and Wonho like that…” he trailed off.

His phone chimed. Absently, he responded to whatever was there.

“How was I supposed to know that? You never said anything after that.”

“I was scared.”

“So this was better? Not talking for more than half a year? You’re a coward Jooheon.”

He didn’t try to defend himself. He just nodded his head, staring at the table.

Even that annoyed me though.

“By the way, whatever you thought might have happened with Wonho that night… it didn’t. He was drunk, and whining, and I didn’t let him do anything.” I stood up, finally causing him to look at me. “I understand that you might have felt like you weren’t enough, but you were wrong, and I didn’t deserve for you to just make that decision without even bothering to have a conversation.”

“Noona… I… I wanted to talk but I just…”

“Save it Jooheon. You didn’t trust me.” I picked up my bag. “You told me to leave because you didn’t trust me. You didn’t talk to me because you didn’t trust me. So I don’t know why you’re here trying to talk to someone you don’t trust.”

He didn’t try to stop me from leaving, but at least he followed me this time.

“Noona please just…” he hurried up, grabbing my arm once we were outside, “let me talk. Just wait.”

“I’ve waited since November!” I spun, shaking his grip loose so I could stare him down. “I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s ing May!”

“Trust me, I know exactly what day it is. That’s… that’s kind of why I’m here.” His eyes slid past me as he spoke. “Ah…”

“Jinok-ah.”

Now this was just unfair. I tried to leave, but I heard Jooheon behind me, and Hoseok grabbed my arm.

“Wait right there!”

“Why?”

Hoseok wrapped his arms around me.

“Because he’s already said everything, just… not directly to you.”

“That makes no sense. Let me go.”

“No way monbebe.”

“Don’t call me that.”

I felt Hoseok’s chest jerk with a laugh, then expand and sink with a sigh.

“I’ll let you go as soon as I tell you what Jooheon is doing a bad job of explaining.”

I slouched in his grasp.

“Fine. Talk.”

“You know we have a new album coming out?”

I nodded.

“Jooheon did a lot of writing on it.”

I stayed quiet, just peeking up at Jooheon.

He looked tired.

“He’s really gone all in on this album… which is a reference you won’t get until the 18th.”

Jooheon groaned, rolling his eyes at whatever the joke was.

“But maybe more important than that is the song being released this Monday. Look,” Hoseok adjusted his hold, turning me to face him, “just… listen to everything that comes out, okay? Jooheon has been trying to get the courage to talk to you, but he really put it into the album. Okay?”

He seemed earnest.

I looked him over.

“You’re blonde.”

Hoseok laughed, then snapped his fingers in front of my face.

“Come on, focus.”

“Alright! Fine! I’ll listen to the album or whatever.” I looked between Jooheon and Hoseok. “I don’t know how I feel about you two working together.”

Hoseok stepped back, releasing me.

“Princess…” Jooheon started.

“We live together,” Hoseok interrupted shrugging, “we had to talk eventually.”

If I had a single word for the pre-released track, it would be presumptuous.

That’s what I would like to have felt. In reality, it made my heart hurt.

From: Hoseokie
Did you listen?

From: Hoseokie
Jooheon is too nervous to ask you himself.

To: Hoseokie
I listened.

From: Hoseokie
And…???

To: Hoseokie
I’m waiting for the rest of the album to come out.

To: Hoseokie
Tell him I’m his fan.

From: Hoseokie
Only his?

To: Hoseokie
Wheein was good too.

Even though it was just a few minutes in person, a few texts here and there… I was shaken in my determination to stay the course.

The album probably helped with the shaking.

Even if they hadn’t contacted me, I would have listened. Even if Hoseok hadn’t told me, I would have wondered about some of the lyrics. I would have immediately dismissed the thoughts as my wishful thinking and being self centred.

Which Hoseok could probably predict. Thus…

From: Jooheon
Wonho-hyung wants me to reassure you.

From: Jooheon
I miss you.

From: Jooheon
Like you said, I was a coward.

From: Jooheon
I couldn’t even just talk to you. I had to write and just hope you would know.

It felt odd to not go directly home after work. It felt unreal to stand outside the door to the dorm. It felt entirely natural when Hyungwon opened the door with an immediate comment.

“Took you long enough.”

Everything was generally the same inside. Someone had learned to do the dishes, and the sofa was moved, but otherwise it was the same as when I had brought a very drunk Wonho home.

“Jinok.”

Hyunwoo’s voice was warm, his eyes turning to crescent moons as he offered me a hug in greeting.

“I, uh…” I had no idea what to say.

“I’m glad you’re home.”

Kihyun gave me a simple “we can talk later” look.

Minhyuk screamed.

Changkyun…

“Oh thank god! I almost forgot what your legs look like. And you wore leggings! Noona, yo-“ he was cut off at this point by Minhyuk, who was still screaming, climbing over him to push a pillow over his face.

How had I been talked into coming here again?

“Monbebe,” Wonho grinned from the doorway to his bedroom.

“Come on.”

Jooheon was eager to start again, but also very understanding of my hesitance. He had his own doubts as well, mostly centred on whether or not I really still had any feelings left for him.

“I don’t know how I feel,” I explained, “I missed you a lot but… I’m still hurt. You abandoned me so easily.”

“Princess, I never want to hurt you.”

I wanted to believe him, but ultimately they were just words. If I was going to be convinced, it would have to be over time and through his actions.

His actions were immaculate. Not that he had ever been anything less, save for the night we broke up. Within a month we were “official”, and within two we were back to our previous point.

The only difference was Hoseok.

“Don’t you ing dare,” I warned Hoseok.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know you Ho. You’re about to u… there it is! I hate you!”

I tossed my controller aside, Hoseok’s use of a Spiny Shell at this point guaranteeing his victory.

The smug smile that I expected was only hinted at in Hoseok’s expression. His lips were satisfied but his eyebrows were tilted at a concerned angle.

“What?”

“Well I won.”

I nodded, trying to prompt him to keep talking.

“Ah, so, I guess my request is that you just hear Jooheon out.”

I tilted my head. To the best of my knowledge, Jooheon was out for the day. He and Hyunwoo were working on something together, so Hoseok and I were having a video game day.

My chest felt tight now. “Just hear him out” had to be one of the single most terrifying things that could be said about Jooheon.

“What am I going to be hearing out…?”

Hoseok his lips, eyes bouncing around the room.

“It’s not bad… he just… we were talking and…”

I grabbed his pillow and slapped it across his face.

“Spit it out Hoseok.”

“You should hear it from Jooheon.”

I moved to kneel on the sofa, a cushion in either hand.

“I will beat it out of your skinny !”

“Hey, you leave my out of this,” Hoseok reached out his arms to defend himself, “my is perfect. I’ve put a lot of work into it.”