O C D

I turned around when I saw “Nayeon”. I don’t even know why I can’t even look at her. Seeing her face makes me want to run away from her. Somehow… somewhere deep in my heart, I know I am jealous of her. And as much as I want to deny to deny it, the world will never shut up about the truth: it’s because of Mark Tuan. Mark. ing. Tuan.

“Wait up!” she called. So I stopped just so she won’t think I’m weird.

When she reached me, she can’t even look at my eyes properly. Then it suddenly hit me that this girl has Social Anxiety—according to Youngjae. I don’t much about social anxiety but I remember Mark telling that people with that disorder aren’t scared to speak for the sake of speaking. It’s not they are shy or anything like that. They are actually afraid to be scrutinized. And having social anxiety does not mean that a person is only afraid to be scrutinized when they’re saying something. It’s broader than what most people know. Even doing simple things makes them feel… anxious. “May I help you?”

“Y…you’re Wendy, right?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Are you mad at Mark?”

“Why should I?” Why shouldn’t I?

“Don’t be.” Who are you to tell me that? “He’s…” she shook her head as if she’s telling herself she can’t tell me what she’s supposed to say. “Just please talk to him.”

“He’s the one who isn’t talking to me.”

“Don’t shut him down.” And now she’s looking at me with pleading eyes.

“He’s shutting me down.”

“You don’t understand,” How am I going to understand if no one is telling me what’s really happening? “Just… please understand. And please talk to him. You have to talk to him.”

“But he won’t talk to me!” I finally lashed out. I held on to my bag as if my life depends on it. I can’t cry here. “I tried, okay? I ing tried.”

She grabbed my hands. “You should try harder.”

Before I can even stop myself, I started saying things I shouldn’t have. And before I can tell her I didn’t mean all the things I’ve said, a body is pressed to me—someone’s back hugging me. And I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. He let go of me and looked at the girl in front of me and tried comforting her because she looks like the world is crashing in front of her. “Are you okay?”

“I… I am.” She breathed hard. “I’ll be okay.” Then she pushed him away. “Tell her, okay?” then she ran away.

I stared at Nayeon. I ed up big time. I hope she’s okay.

“Wendy,” so I turned around to look at the person who called my name. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

“It was just…. Hard.”

“But we’re friends, right? Friends help each other. If something’s bothering you, you can tell me. I will listen to you. You know that. Heck I’ll even listen to your ual fantasies if they’re bothering you and get you treated.” But why do I sound like we’re not “just” friends? Am I overreacting? Again? “You can tell me anything and I wouldn’t, not in million, years, have judge you.”

He gave a sad smile but I notice him tapping his right leg four times. And he also tapped his left foot four times. He always does that. Especially when he’s nervous. And he likes four. He likes the number four a lot.

“How I wish my problem is about ual fantasies. But I’m glad to hear you’re willing to listen to my ual fantasies.”

“So what is it?” We’re in the middle of the field doing nothing. He’s not even opening his lips to speak. “Are you going to tell me or I will leave you here?”

He took a deep breath and wrapped his palms on my cheeks.

“I have OCD.”