They were talking about girls again. They talked about girls quite often. It wasn’t something Seungcheol felt he could relate to. It never had been, and he knew that well. But he played along; as always, fitting in was in his best interests.

“And what about the leader, huh?”

Jun, sitting on his right, had nudged him.

“Hmm?”

“Long hair or short hair?”

One portrait in particular appeared in his mind. He almost laughed at himself. Instead, he recalled his previously mentioned best interests and willed it away.

“Uh, short hair,” he said, a hint of defeat in his voice.

As Seungcheol breathed a sigh of relief into the center of the circle they had formed in their small dorm, the wheel of torture spun onto its next victim, who sat directly opposite him. Arms crossed and legs tucked in, it was as though he was trying to make himself less visible.

“Jeonghan’s probably a bit biased towards long haired girls, right?” Hoshi chuckled.

“Oh god,” the second oldest member groaned. Not invisible enough.

“Not even a little?”

“No, skip me,” he said, smiling weakly, but with a firm tone in his voice.

“Why, you shy?”

“Sure, let’s go with that.” The smile was beginning to fade.

“Dude, I know you well enough to know you’re not shy,” Joshua piped in.

“I’d just rather not be a part of this conversation. It’s not my type of thing.”

The other members, ever respectful, ceased their prodding.

Seungcheol often found himself thinking back to that moment in particular. That’s the thing with Yoon Jeonghan. He’s shown himself to be an emotional person at times, and has always been the type to have many deep thoughts, even to the extent of overthinking. But he could never get too personal. He didn’t allow it to happen. Every time he tried to get him to open up a little, it was like he'd reflexively shut down. During practices, he's productive, and when placed in front of a camera, he performs well. At what point does the shift occur? It deeply upset Seungcheol that someone he cared about so much seemed so self-conscious, but he understood it a bit.

He had been guilty in the past of forming a sort of protective layer around himself that would prevent others from having an affect on his emotions. Whether you could attribute this mentality to teenage cynicism or not, one certainty is that he was scared. Not scared to place his trust in another person, but scared by the thought of having his trust abused. He often thought about his love going to waste. It gave him a horrible feeling. That Jeonghan could ever experience the same feeling made him feel sick.

Seventeen’s debut had been repeatedly delayed for so long that Seungcheol began to feel as though it was unlikely that it would ever actually happen.  Obviously, it happened, and with this event, his optimism returned. He had to wonder when Jeonghan lost his. At this point he thinks to himself, just for a short moment, that he might be overanalyzing the situation.

It could be projection, or it could be simple observation. All he wanted was to know for sure that his friend was happy. He would be more reluctant to admit that he wanted to be the one to make him happy.