After just two knocks I could see Nicole running to the door with Seungyeon close behind. They both wore t-shirts and sweaters, looking comfortably at home while they helped me carry the desserts to the table. The two of them had gathered early to prepare the food. It was way past noon so we considered it brunch. Honestly none of us really planned what we were going to do for the rest of the day, but I was glad that I didn’t have to stay at home. My entire family seemed to have their day planned out and sometimes I didn’t really trust my conscience when I was home alone.

            “Can I take a peek?” Nicole asked, pointing to my tray of desserts covered by aluminum foil. I nodded and helped her unfold a corner so she could eye the colorful sprinkles and vanilla icing that tasted like heaven.

            “Wow this is pretty!” She complimented, and I nodded with a smile. Seungyeon didn’t bother to take a look until later. She was too fixated on stirring pasta sauce in a big saucepan. They two of them seemed really eager to eat, yet they reminisced about their light breakfast while they cooked. I sat at the kitchen counter watching them, lost in thoughts and minimal concentration on their actual conversation at hand. They ate egg bread and strawberries for breakfast. I had a dab of icing, yet I had no intention of whining for my empty stomach.

            “Are you hungry, Hara?” Seungyeon asked, being the first to engage in conversation with me ever since I sat down. Her question caught me off guard and I wasn’t quite sure how to answer her. My stomach longed for a hearty meal, but my brain had other plans.

            “Haha not really; I ate a lot for breakfast today.” I lied, feeling guilty for always being compelled to do so. They would never suspect me, and they would never care enough to do something if they really did, even though I really wished that they’d help me out of my confusion not that there was anything wrong with me.

            “Really? What’d you eat?” Nicole dragged on, clearly in disbelief. I never really had much experience lying since I never had a reason to, yet it felt like I had a secret to protect. I couldn’t completely understand my behavior, but until I myself could figure it out, it didn’t feel right to share. Why would I burden them when they never wanted to hear me complain?

            “Uhm…” I stuttered for a little, trying to think of a typical filling breakfast, “A grilled cheese sandwich.” Seungyeon looked up at me from her stirring and turned off the stove, her eyes wide with disbelief, but she didn’t question me further. Nicole on the other hand, bought my lie completely. The sauce was done and the pasta had been boiled before I even arrived, so when Nicole was splitting the portions onto the plate, I convinced her to give me the smallest. The three of us sat at the table with my plate of desserts sitting like a colorful centerpiece, and the two were the first to start eating. They twirled the forks in their hands, the noodles winding up around the teeth of the metal as the sauce mixed in between the cracks, giving the noodles a greasy kind of shine. Just for a moment, I felt like I needed to vomit.

            “Is something wrong?” Seungyeon wondered, noticing my fiddling with the fork that never made contact with any of the food. I tried to take a bite, but the more I looked at it, the more the tomato sauce turned into greasy lard in my eyes. I began imagining how long it would take for my body to get rid of it once it stored as fat, and how many hours I’d have to spend on the treadmill per day to restore my balanced weight.

            “Hara?” Seungyeon asked again. The two were now staring at me with their plates of pasta half eaten.

            “Oh, it’s nothing…” I dismissed, and began twirling my fork in the center of my plate. Long strands of spaghetti wrapped around, and chunks of meat were caught in between. I stared at the greasy lining left on the fork when the noodles dropped, and I twirled them around again until they were secured. Trying not to think too much, I placed it in my mouth and began to chew. The first bite made me feel horribly guilty, but the second started to ‘wake me up’. The pasta was delicious, despite being high in carbohydrates, and the sauce had the perfect touch of flavor. How long had it been since I tasted real meat? I couldn’t even remember. The first few bites were hesitant, but by the fifth I was eating the pasta confidently, at an even faster pace than my friends.

            “Slow down, you’re going to choke.” Nicole insisted, handing me a glass of ice water. I took it graciously and coughed, washing all the oil down my throat. Once all the taste had left, I looked back at my half eaten plate and gasped. How many calories had I just consumed? It was a horrifying thought, and I wanted to eat more knew I needed to stop.

            “I’m full…” I mumbled, embarrassed. They stared at me as I rose from the table to brush the remains of my perfectly delicious greasy, high calorie pasta into the trash can. Right after I did so, I took a regretful glance at Seungyeon who seemed offended, stabbing her pasta with her fork and taking big bites. Neither of them made a comment, and I felt like they deserved an explanation. Instead of apologizing, I headed to the living room and waited for them to finish. Being in the kitchen increased my temptation for sodium and sugar consumption, and I didn’t need that at all right now.

            At this point I knew that there was something wrong with me, but I wasn’t sure what. I could guess that I knew long ago but didn’t want to admit that there was something wrong with me. I just wanted to be normal, get good grades, have nice friends and get through school. In the process, what happened to me? I couldn’t even remember when I started acting so conscious about my weight. I glanced into the kitchen from where I was sitting and saw that the two were talking, kind of hunched over their plates in hushed voices. They were probably talking about me.

           I looked away, deciding not to let that ruin my Christmas and instead, turned to the television in front of me. It was turned off, but I stared at the screen regardless. The dark surface showed my reflection and I stared, noticing first my huge, rounded cheeks. Adults always commented on my cheeks, pinching them when they could. I hated that a lot. I had my marshmallow jacket wrapped around me as I retained my shivering to a minimum. The puffiness of my jacket hid how fat I knew I was, and for that I was thankful because I wouldn’t have to stare at my insecurity from the TV screen. My jacket was my excuse.

            Nicole and Seungyeon entered the living room and sat on the couch beside the TV. I diverted my gaze away from the television and hugged my jacket tightly against my body. No one spoke for a few minutes; they just stared at me every now and then and exchanged worried glances.

            “Is there something going on?” Nicole finally asked, breaking the awkward tension that built. I knew what she was implying, and I wasn’t sure if I could give a good answer to that.

            “Like what?” I asked, trying to buy time to think even though my mind was muffled.

            “I’m not sure… you just seem really different lately.” Nicole answered; squinting her eyes a little as a sign of suspicion. Even Seungyeon had her back in this and I was pretty sure that their interrogation was part of their whispered conversation while they ate in privacy.

            “How?” I was now panicking. My heart rate was increasing, and it felt like my only shield was my marshmallow jacket which I held tightly onto.

            “Like… more…” Seungyeon hesitated before finishing her sentence, trying to word it in the most appropriate way, “depressed.” Depressed? Me? They thought that I was suffering from depression?

A/N: Heyooo readers! Sorry for not updating in MONTHS... I lost a lot of inspiration to write this especially with school and grad coming up and everything, but I hope to be able to finish this short fix soon ^^! I just want to make it clear that I'm in no way shape or form an expert on Anorexia, and even though I have a good basic knowledge of it, the disorder itself is very diverse and if you're interested, I encourage you to do your own research on it ^^ I can't share all symptoms of Anorexia in my fanfic because they vary from person to person and the person this fic was based off of did not have a conventional form of Anorexia, nor was it serious to the point of needing psychological and serious medical assistance like many cases do.

By the way, I'm still working on Star Light Star Bright (B2ST&U-KISS fic) So please check it out if you're interested ^^

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/128877/star-light-star-bright-b2st-beast-donghae-superjunior-ukiss-yoseob-you

Since summer is coming up, I'm also going to try to formulate a new story plot for a new fic!