Story Link

Title (5/5)
See, let me say this straight out that I’m not the best person when it comes to judging titles. My own titles are lacking in many aspects. I do believe titles are fickle things; they either aid your story or completely destroy it. Now, to take your title, I do believe there are a lot of good points about it. For one, it’s short and remains in the memory of the reader. Also, it’s a catchy word. You have innumerable options down the line with a title like that. The word could be interpreted in a dozen different ways and that’s a great tool for your story. This title coupled with the tag of ‘abuse’ and ‘psychological’ makes for a great invitation to a hardcore story and if readers are looking for that, they’re going to come bounding in. Your title gives off a very mature air. It’s not often that I find authors are able to concise their entire story into a single word. Again I say, your title is very vague and nothing works better than vagueness for story. Your title has all the pros – It’s short, it attracts attention and it stands out. Also, it works well with your story and doesn’t seem to spin off on a completely different tangent.
However, I’m a little apprehensive about the stylizing of the title. Have I missed something in the title? Is there something specific you’re trying to convey by adding a hyphen between ‘In’ and ‘Sane’? It seems as though there’s something hidden between the lines that I’m unable to see. Do correct me if I’m wrong. But, even then, this provides respite to the redundancy of the word. I’d say that by breaking up the word, you’ve managed to make it more eye-catching. It’s no longer a word. It’s something unique and honestly makes the title stand out. At the first glance, the ‘Sane’ seems much more prominent and then while focussing on the title properly, the ‘In’ comes into focus. Now that - even if you hadn’t meant it to happen – is a wonderful thing because it seems as though you’re trying to imply that their sanity has been swathed by an envelope of insanity. It’s like you’re saying that they’re sane, but somehow that’s been overlooked. 
On the whole, I love the title and going by the number of views and subbies I’d say you’ve got the most crucial part of the story right. Kudos to you!

Foreword/Description: (9/10)
Description: (5/5) Your description is concise and hard-hitting. You’ve described all that you need to and left everything that shouldn’t be revealed in the limbo. You’ve added the perfect amount of suspense, made most of the aspects sufficiently clear and not compromised on the maturity or grammar of your story. Your description also gives out a glimpse of your writing style and I see the abrupt style you’ve caught on. It’s easy to read and lucid and that attracts readers more than anything else. Basically, I love your description and I’d sing praises for eons of it. You have displayed a very cutting sort of style in the description which goes very well with the general theme of the story. I especially like the ‘13 boys. 13 men. 13 pasts. 13 stories. Let's listen.’ It’s very abrupt and even so flows perfectly with the amount of angst you intend to create. Your description reflects the hurt, impatience and all the other emotions associated with spending the rest of your life in a place you’re not meant to. It’s all good.
 

Foreword: (4/5) I like the idea of using quotations to make up the foreword because it’s all very secretive and holds interest without giving out too much. However, I’m not very sure about your choice of the quotes. The foreword must reflect your story in the best possible light. At first glance, your foreword is amazing, adorned with excerpts and whatnot. But, a thorough read-through and the first thing that comes to my mind is that there’s no continuity. It’s not like all the quotes are focussing on one general theme. It almost seems as though you’ve randomly picked out different dialogues and pieced them together. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of the quotes; it’s very innovative. But, you’d have nailed it had you had some sort of connection between the quotes. Perhaps, if each of the quotes was about the patients’ problems, or their views about the mental asylum, it would have made all the difference. It has to mean something to the reader and shouldn’t come across just as a mesh of various thoughts.
Also, I’d rather prefer you keep your author notes at only one point in the foreword and not break them up. It would have been nice had you written your note, given us the little preview of quotations and then had us plunge right into the story. Through your quotes you managed to give us a feel of the story and by adding a note right after it, you completely destroy the mood; which - although most authors don’t realise - can be a huge spoiler for the readers. I like the little listing at the bottom classifying the characters into their different jobs. That surely helps and I don’t think, it does, in any way, mar the beauty or let out anything of your story.

Plot/Originality: (16/20)
Your plot, as I have decoded, is basically a concoction of the stories of thirteen different men and their humanness in spite of all the odds against them. I like the general idea of the story which is simple yet powerful. Past, I have always believed, is a wonderful thing to write about. By giving a past to your character, you’ve given realness, a life to it and that is wonderful. I like the focus on the past and how you’ve built a story on it while adding spin-offs to the same. But this is just all the parts that are hunky-dory. There are a few parts and times in the story that I feel are awkward. Also, at times, there’s this impression that’s being given that you’ve lost your central idea somewhere down the line. There are parts when the story seems forced or continued simply because it has to.
Take for example the Eunhae interactions; there was suddenness, a kind of abruptness that did not accentuate your story. In fact, their interactions seemed almost ridiculous after a point. The kiss was sudden, but discard that; heck, kisses are sudden! But, the interactions that followed were almost sloppy. There was a distinctive aura of fluff-gone-wrong and that did not work well with the theme of your story. Let me reinstate that you’ve boldly stated your theme to be ‘angst’ and ‘dark’ and things in that lane. The stories of love that spin-off should also have the same theme, the same notion behind them. There’s a reason why all the characters are at the asylum and at times, I think you tend to forget the fact that most of them do, in fact, have mental instabilities. There will always be a certain difference in their behaviour and style. And that would be all the more visible with them being stuck in a place they’re forced to call home. So, their interactions must display the frustration and the anger. At times it comes across as though the story’s a normal high-school romance and not one touching on dark issues.
Again, I’d like to bring to your notice that although this is fiction, you’ve decided to explore that side of fiction that not many people attempt. I won’t lie; I have basically no experience in psychological writings and I couldn’t judge you on that, but going by instinct, I’d say you need a little more research to be done. In spite of my not knowing the basics of psychology, I do feel, at certain instances in the story, that the story seems to be taking a rather comedic turn. Again to complement with an example; I’m not sure I sympathize too well with Kyuhyun’s past. Again, this is nothing about your writing. You wrote the scene very well, but the idea by itself, when stripped of the vocabulary and angst, does not stand strong. I don’t really get the need for the immense sense of humiliation and torture inflicted on him. Okay, maybe I’m just hard-hearted, but that doesn’t change the fact that the idea doesn’t work well. I understand how hard it must have been for you to think of thirteen different pasts to work well with thirteen different people, especially with the high amount of patients as such, but even so, with the amount of suspense you created for Kyuhyun, I was expecting something hardcore. See, again, it’s not the idea, it’s the expectations from you. I’m not very sure you’ve managed to live up to all the expectations I had from this story. Kyuhyun’s past alone would not have fallen this flat – in fact, it would have been quite thrilling – had it not been for the suspense that hounded the past. At times, knowingly or unknowingly you create huge expectations in the minds of the readers and sometimes you’re unable to fulfil it. I get the same vibe from the entire story. The tags and the description boasted of maturity, hardcore writing and gloominess in general. But, with the progression of the story, you’ve somehow managed to change the tables and convert the entire story into something almost contrasting to the general theme. Again, it’s the ‘General Theme’ that matters. The only reason why I keep harping on it is because you’ve created a set impression of the story in my mind and as more and more incidents contradict it, you kind of make me wonder why I started reading the story in the first place. 

As far as originality goes, I see your pattern clearly. You build up your story on the pasts, so focussing on just them, I wouldn’t say you’ve been too original. Truthfully, again, it seems as though you’ve interconnected a number of problems usually given to protagonists in stories and created a story. The problems are by themselves normal problems and there are certain doubts I have regarding your choice of them. The people in the asylum themselves do not have problems I’d generally associate with mental clinics. Also, the workers at the clinic seem, kind of, inappropriate. Take Siwon for example; I like his antagonistic character, but I don’t understand the motive, or should I say reason, behind his coming and working with the nutters – for the lack of a better word – even though he’s been far too hostile toward them. Now, discarding the reason of extracting personal revenge, how and I ask you this, would he be allowed to remain a guard in the asylum if he goes about treating the patients in such a manner. Now, nothing against his character personally. It provides a great bit of violence and angst, but you must learn to not deviate too much from reality especially since the theme you’ve opted for is something this dark and serious.

Details/Characterization: (20/25)
You’re pretty much normal with the detailing bit. You describe things as well as you can and you don’t tend to go overboard (like me) while describing. I like your use of metaphors and whatnot. The way you write and describe things is good, very good if you compare it to the writing you get on this site, but I’m sure you could always aim higher. At times, there seems to be all dialogues and nothing else. Although, I like how you add in the little actions between the dialogues, the impact of the story generally focuses on dialogues. Not that it is anything wrong, but over a period of time, your dialogues tend to get a little redundant.
Now this is definitely not your fault; the number of characters you are writing about is huge so there’s obviously going to be straining on your part. Your characters’ personalities sometimes overlap each others and again, I know it’s difficult to not make that happen, but it tends to spoil the mood of the story. Your characters at times show contradictory traits which makes it difficult for us, as readers to appreciate the effort gone into the story. Contrasting personas is Leeteuk’s front and slyly implementing it into the others won’t work out too well.
It’s basically the character personalities that I have a slight problem with. I understand the effort you put into giving each of them an instability or problem or past, but sometimes, I think you tend to deviate from the impression you’ve created for the character. Taking Donghae as an example; I see how you put him in for anger management and how you intersperse his interactions with people with bouts of anger to prove its reality. But apart from the slight instances of his getting angry, there’s hardly any reason why he should be put into a mental asylum. Agreeing that there might have been some incident in the past and he must regret it, it wouldn’t be wrong for him to instead be put into counselling and be allowed to live a free life, is it?
Recently, I had gone through in the paper that a teacher was killed by some student who got offended by the teacher’s taunts. Even for that, the student wasn’t put into a juvie or even checked for some sort of mental instability. Instead, he was put in for counselling. So you can see that some of the reasons you give for your patients being in the hospital sometimes come out to be a little far-fetched. See, this wouldn’t have mattered had it been anybody else. But, I really like your story and I like the amount of effort you seemingly put into it and it would be almost perfect with a little tweaking.
Apart from that, I think you’re characterization is stunning. There are those few unbelievable traits that I’ve tried to show but above it all you’ve managed to create individual identities for all thirteen of them which is no mean achievement. Good job!
Also, you’ve chosen to write in first person which means, you as an author, get ample opportunity to display every thought, emotion and feeling the character is going through. Moreover, you’ve described a problem with each one of them and when you’re writing from their perspectives, it would make the story a masterpiece if you manage to emulate each one of their characteristics into the writing almost subconsciously. It takes practice, but I’m sure you can do it. It would limit the need to specify the change in the POV and also make the reader instantly aware of the character’s true personality. A good way to do this, is to almost slyly sidle in a description about anything under the sun in your POVs. The description will be from the character’s perspective, and we as readers will be able to notice the difference in the way one character describes something that might be beautiful for the other. I hope I’m not too vague.

Grammar/Flow/Vocabulary: (22/30)
Flow: (4/10) Forgive me if I seem mean here, but your flow isn’t working out for me. I guessed it the moment I saw the description. I think you’re unable to emulate continuity in your story, especially as you make the transition from one scene to another. Your story, as I have said before, touches on pasts and dark issues and it’s vital that you make the transition from one scene to another perfectly timed and not too late or too slow. I understand the need to create suspense, but at times your methods of doing so almost destroy the mood of reading. I tell you again, readers are very temperamental. You need to keep them hooked. And the fluidity of the story plays a significant role in doing just that.
For one, I dislike your mentions of the ‘POV’ changes. It’s unprofessional in a way and almost doubts your own writing style. Your style of writing should be such as to keep it mature and simple. In mentioning the changes in the POV you’ve instilled a doubt in yourself that your readers will not be able to distinguish the narrator and hence you’ve mentioned it. By doing so, you’re actually questioning your own writing skills. It would be much better, if instead of specifying the changes, you place an end-mark or something like an asterisk, it would create a much better impression. Now, I do realise that this being a huge-amount-of-members story, it wouldn’t work out too well if you did even emulate my suggestion. So, I think it would be better if you stick to one POV in one chapter or maximum two. This brings me to the next point – your POV changes. POV changes are not something to use too often. They confuse the reader and most of them like me, often don’t even tend to notice the change the change and take on the whole story in a different perspective. Also, I’m not too keen on your introduction of new POVs right at the end of the chapter. More often than not, these POVs have no substance to carry and seem more like a vain attempt to increase the length of the chapter. You might want to work on that.
 

Grammar: (9/10) You have a good grasp on grammar and there’s nothing extensively wrong with the story, but there are always these little sentences, wrong usage of commas that make the story awkward at places. I see you have a lot of trouble with the way you place your commas. Some places where commas are placed, it wouldn’t be wrong to place a semicolon instead. You seem liberal in the use of commas at places and completely avoid their use in others. Your punctuation is what you need to work on slightly. Apart from that there’s nothing wrong as such with your grammar. You’re good with the basics and I rarely see you omitting an article or doing something as blasphemous as that. So well done! 
 

Vocabulary: (9/10) Your vocabulary’s next to perfect for something like AFF where people don’t really want to tax themselves reading big words. You do use the words without trying to sound too intellectual, but yet you manage to give out the impression that you do know what you’re up to. That’s amazing!
 

Overall Enjoyment: (7/10)
Sorry, but somewhere down the line, the story didn’t work out for me. I’m a lover of and Angst and the killer combination of the two generally makes me lap it up, but I don’t know why I couldn’t exactly get through yours. There were a lot of contradictions in your story and your inclusion of at times seemed almost forced. There’s a certain awe element that’s missing from your story and the inclusion of that would have made the story powerful. It doesn’t hit the reader like it’s supposed to. With the background of an asylum, deranged patients and a life of torture, there are innumerable opportunities of development that come your way. It all also aids your writing style and if you capitalize on it the story could look authoritative! Also, I’ll say you’ve not exploited the room for development the POVs give you. It’s only through POVs that the character is able to convey what he is going through and what he feels. There’s nothing wrong with adding a little monologue here and there; it’ll only help us as readers to get to know the character better. In fact, I’ve noticed that you seem to even write your first person chapters like a third person view. So, work on that and it’ll all be awesome. And yes, work on your flow too, okay?
General Comments:
There’s nothing really left to say. I think I’ve covered most of the points and I think you’re a very good writer. I’m really sorry for taking so much time to complete your review and I hope I’ve been helpful! Thanks for requesting! <3
 

Total: (79/100) Oh and because I love , Super junior and angst, take a bonus of 3.

So your grand total is...(82/100)
Congrats!