I'm hungry. So, so hungry. Before when I made a conscious effort to shed more and more pounds, the hunger was easily forgotten. Anxiety's constant whispers to lose more, be better, managed to distract me from the aching emptiness that was hunger. Self loathing and disgust filled the void. It'd be so much easier to let them distract me again, let them plague my conscience just to free me from hunger's clutches. I drank more water, trying in vain to fill my stomach.

Gyeong gave me a side long glance, pity glinting in her eyes. We were in my dance practice room where I'm supposed to prepare for the music show tonight. But I'm so, so hungry that my legs refused to support my own weight. I sat in the middle of the floor, staring into my own reflection, hoping, and failing to find the girl I once was. The spark of youth had long since left my eyes; a dull pit of brown replaced it. My skin looked wan, not the pure and healthy color a young girl's should be. Blue purple hues blotched the skin under my eyes, sinking into the hollows. Cheeks sunken in, I looked experienced beyond my age. Older. Desenitized. I looked like a heap of bones someone had carelessly tossed away, not bothering to even bury. The only thing keeping me from completely collapsing are my arms: thin and frail, they still managed to plant themselves in the floor and supported my upper body.

Gyeong didn't say anything. Subtly, she slipped out an energy bar from her pocket and handed it to me.

"Y-you might lose your job over this. Think twice about what you're doing," I whispered, each word a struggle. I've felt varying levels of exhaustion ever since I came to SM, but the one I felt today was on a whole new level. Staying conscious was a battle. Each heartbeat felt like my last. There simply wasn't any energy left.

"Just eat it. You won't even have strength to go on stage tonight if you keep this up," Gyeong said to my reflection. Then in a whisper, "It must be so difficult Kiara. I can't even imagine the pain you're going through."

That was it. That's all it took for me to let the first tear drop. Then the second. Then he third. My face felt numb from the sudden release of pent up emotions- finally free finally free. The sobs didn't sound like my own, so broken and torn. But could they even be called sobs anymore? The sounds were more like noises made by a wailing seal, a dying horse: certainly not anything human. Gyeong gathered me in her arms, hugging me tight in a way I so longed for. The mental exhaustion from my eating disorder. The shame I felt for my body weight. The ugly truth that is Youngmin. The insecurity Nahyun and Taeyong worked so hard to foster in me. The loathing and self disgust Anxiety created within me. The reflection of the new me staring back. I cried it all out, knowing it fixed nothing yet everything.

It hurt knowing I was going through everything alone, but Gyeong's acknowledgment of my struggles told me someone knew. She see the effort I was putting in to survive in this industry, in this competition. That acknowledgment was enough for me.

My emotions raw, pain evident, and soul wrenched open, I could finally come to terms with myself. This girl staring back in the mirror is what I've become, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Beauty can only be beautiful next to the ugly. Bliss can only be peaceful next to chaos. I don't want to always be hopeful, then get dragged down. I want certainty. Unswaying certainty. It was so, so important that I started taking control of my own life. If not now, some way down the future I may fall so deep into the black hole of self-doubt and never return. It's so easy to just let go. Why fight so hard? But I can't just give up. This path is an unreturnable one. Even if I lose sight of my goal, even if I don't want the end results, I have to stay on this path. Because too much will be lost. Not only my dreams, but my mind and my sanity. Too much is at stake; I can't afford the costs. Fighting my way to the end will mean I won. It's a game of all or nothing.  

So I've decided. Even if all of me becomes ugly, I want that hint of beauty. Even if all of me is consumed in chaos, I want that hint of bliss. That irrefutable, undisputable certainty that life is beautiful. And so am I.

*                          *                            *

Two weeks later

Promotions have ended. I am still hungry, but not as frail and thin. I am still broken, but not as unsalvagable. I am still uncertain, but certainty has planted a new bud in my heart, ready to bloom. Johnny hasn't seen me in weeks, and I was scared to death that things have permanently changed between him and I. It's my goal today to go find him.

Of course, Johnny's schedule was as jam-packed as mine, but today will be an exception. SM occasionally has ephemeral holidays for its artists and I intend not to waste this one.

"Where's Johnny?" I ask Jaehyun.

"Probably in his room. Or at the cafe across the street. Or just out and about. He's been wandering a lot lately, not just physically but also mentally. Something's definitely bothering him," Jaehyun said, winking at a rookie passing by. A stab of guilt struck me in the chest knowing I caused his troubles. But this reminder only reaffirmed my urgency to find him.

"Ah, I think he mentioned he was going to an internet cafe," Jaehyun remembered. I bolted, not waiting to listen to what else he had to say.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. Giving him space and time to think things over may have been a mistake on my part. What if during that time, he confirmed his opinions of me? Why else would we take so long to talk to me again? I was the one who could've stopped Julie from leaving. He lost one of his closest friends and confidants because of me. If only-

"Kiara?"

My head snapped up, turning in the direction my name came from. The voice traced to across the street, cars blurring past him one after another. A dark hood was drawn up over his head but I recognized Johnny instantly. His almond eyes, lean figure, and tall height were difficult to glance over even in a bustling crowd. He now watched me with a blank expression, unreadable. That scared me more than anger, confusion, and hatred. Wearing a mask over one's inner thoughts meant there was something to hide; an emotion that offered a complexity deeper than the surface.

I didn't think, only acted.