The celebration extended on far into the night, the exhilarating atmosphere growing in intensity. No matter how much food I consumed, the drunk party hosts kept encouraging everyone to stuff themselves. After declining my fourth plate of bulgogi, Nahyun's bandmate, Hweiru, finally convinced me to accept another. In retrospect, I hadn't eaten more than the average dinner plate. For me, however, it was nearly ten times the amount. I didn't need to induce the vomiting tonight; it would come on its own given an hour or so. 

At 11:45 pm, everyone began to gather around the projector being set up in the middle of the venue. There would be a live broadcast of the official music video featuring NCTu. With nearly one hundred people packed so tightly together, all the oxygen present was quickly exchanged for carbon dioxide. The humidity wasn't helping as thick strands of my hair began grouping together on my neck. Johnny watched my expression turn sour as quickly as the air was being out of the room.

"You'd think such a lucrative company would at least install air conditioning in its fanciest venue," I mumbled, tentatively peeling my hair off my neck. Johnny's eyes widened as I did so, audibly gasping.  

"What?" I said, watching his expression of bewilderment.

Johnny slowly pointed to the hair still held in my hand, motioning for me to let go. I did so, confused in his exaggerated response. But not for long, as the thick strands easily pulled free from my scalp, leaving empty patches of where they once hung.

"Five!" everyone cheered, counting down.

No, no, this is not happening.

"Four!"

I've always been careful of my personal matters, how could this happen?!

"Three!"

Johnny grabbed my hand, his face matching the desperation in my heart. 

"Two!"

Silently, we left unnoticed by the untroubled attendees surrounding us.

"One!"

*                                             *                                                *

Trembling, I reached up to the rest of my head. Perhaps this was just someone's idea of a cruel joke, their attempt to destroy what little self esteem I had. There are plenty of people around SM who are jealous of how far I'd come, and in their minds it wasn't fair. To test this theory, I gently tugged on several other strands around my head. My throat went dry as I gaped at the free clumps that were only moments earlier still part of some whole. No one else was out to get me. I was ruining myself. Every suspicion Nahyun told me returned as painful truths, mocking me for brushing off her remarks before. They were simply her way of warning me before the worst was to come, but I never gave them a second thought. What were so easily abhorent fantasies now descended on me all at once, some type of cruel revenge for my haughty attitude towards Nahyun. But perhaps somewhere deep inside, I knew the condescending mask was just an intangible force to hide behind. Some part of me was desperate to avoid the truth as long as I could, but ultimately, it would find its way back to me. And now that it's returned, the consequences slapped me harder than any real hand possible could've.

"I should've listened to Nahyun," I whispered to Johnny, who stood silently watching me calmly free strands of old hair, "I should've taken her advice before any of this happened,"

"What...did she say to you?" he asked patiently.

"She said, that more than anyone else, I was destroying myself. My diet and exercise regimen have reached an extreme state where my body is overworking itself. She said I've become too thin, and that she'd once mistaken me for a walking ghost. My skin's so dry, it peels everywhere I go. I'm constantly tired, and in desperate need of a break. My diet has become little more than gallons of fluids, yet I'm constantly thirsty. And this," I put the back of my hand against Johnny's cheek, watching his eyes widen from the icy contact. "my skin has permanently become cold. Nahyun said I've become anorexic without even realizing it,"

"Look, it's true that you've become far too thin. But it's nothing that can't be fixed, right? I've seen thousands of recovery cases where people with eating disorders find their paths back to a healthy lifestyle. With other peoples' support, girls and guys far thinner have found hope again. There's no reason you can't as well, Kiara," Johnny said, unsmiling. This is the part when Taeyong would've smiled and wrapped me in a tight hug. He'd have washed all the worries flooding my head out with just a snap of his fingers. Like none of them were ever there in the first place. Perhaps he'd even convince me, by some incredibly dull logic, that Nahyun was simply speculating. Taeyong would tell me that I'm alright. Johnny didn't do that. Although I've laid out all my troubles on display, he didn't assure me that everything was alright. He accepted the me that I've become. My soul was lying at the bottom of an empty ditch, burried under the immensity of the troubles that were all shoved in my face at once. Instead of telling me that the troubles weren't there, Johnny was instructing me on how to get out. Alive.

"How can you be so sure? Johnny, I've only scratched the surface of my problems. Nahyun didn't stop at my eating disorder, and you've probably heard bits and pieces of the gossip floating around-"

"-that you talk to ghosts? That you're convinced the monster of your nightmares has come to life and follows you around everyday?" he finished, his features still calm and collected, unfazed.

"How, how did you know?" I whispered, suddenly self conscious of what else people were saying about me.

"I've seen everything Kiara. I was standing behind you during the concert when you lashed out at Taeyong hyung. I saw from a distance the way your eyes widened at an empty space before you fainted while getting ready for your photoshoot. At night, sometimes I pass your practice room and I can hear you talking to yourself," Johnny confessed, slightly apologetic.

"But how are you so sure their monsters of my own creations? Why, when everyone else is convinced that I talk to myself?" the empty hallways seemed to echo for questions far louder than they actually were. Johnny went silent for a moment, contemplating his next reponse with an unnecessary amount of caution.

"They're wrong about you Kiara. All the gossip is simply...speculation. I know that because it was never easy for me either. People used to talk behind my back the same way they are to you. It may be a bold statement for me to put out there, but I've gone through the same battle you're fighting right now. Right before I decided to audition through SM's global casting system, I'd struggled with my own demons. My own anxiety and stress had manifested to a monster so great, that I had convinced myself it was physically present in my everyday life. Funny enough, I nicknamed him 'Tso', short for 'The Spiteful One'. The moment he came into my life, it seemed like everything was falling apart. I won't bore you with the details, but because of this imaginary ghost, I'd lost track of my goals in life and couldn't find motivation to do anything for a long time. I felt useless, like a failure that could never meet the expectations everyone had set up for me. It's hard, isn't it? A person's biggest enemy will always be their own mind. If you lose control of that, everything else crumbles," Johnny put a hand over my shoulder, clenching it slightly. In that one gesture, I'd found more hope than I ever had from losing weight, from practicing for hours on end. It conveyed one thing that no one else, not even Taeyong could show me: understanding.

I learned that just as much as I yearned for support, I wanted someone who knew exactly what I was going through. Sympathy could never have the same effect as empathy, because the sympathizer never stood in his or her same shoes. As much as support wasn't complete understanding, Taeyong couldn't give me the same light Johnny did. It wasn't Taeyong's fault in any way, but rather just how things turned out. 

"You really do know what it's like," I whispered, "perhaps it was never like this when you first entered the company, but on some level you realize how frightening the mind can truly be. I'm so, so glad, that you're here with me right now. But it's not going to get any easier from here on. If anything, this 'road to recovery' may be one of the most difficult roads I ever take. It's one that diverges into two paths that have to be conquered at once: the physical road as well as the mental. How I'll even begin is something I've yet to contemplate," I said, offering a sad smile.

But Johnny shook his head, certainty evident in his voice. "Trust me, it's not as bad as you think. Up till now, everything's been extremely difficult, hasn't it? The extreme dieting, vocal, as well as dance practices...they're all choices you've made by yourself. But additionally, they're all challenges you've been through yourself. The road to recovery is completely different in that aspect: it's impossible to cross on your own. There will be people along the way that help you over cracks in the road. These are all things I know from experience, things that I'm still going through right now," he still didn't let go of my shoulder, "you're not okay, but that's inevitable for everyone. There will always be some difficulties that are unavoidable, so just let them happen when they come. There's no point in wasting energy, trying to fight a hurricane when you know you'll lose. Instead, when it's all over, focus on how you can repair the damage that hurricane had wrecked upon your shores,"