Before the smoke could die out from the candles of Red Velvet’s 7th anniversary cake, news of the group’s split hit the air and the rest becomes a blur for Seulgi. Seven years spent as a trainee only granted her barely the same amount back as a pushover main vocalist and she can’t help but question if it was worth it at all.

She tells him she’s leaving for New York on a Tuesday afternoon, a month into his mandatory military service. In some ways, Sehun saw it coming but he still hoped she’d wait for him.

“Are you sure?” He asks after sorting through his long list of questions for the most simple one.

Seulgi nods and picks at the bowl of patbingsoo with her spoon. “I don’t think this is my scene but since I’ve dedicated so much of my life into it, I kept doing it because it’s all I know how to do.” She shrugs. “This is a good opportunity for me to figure myself out.”

He doesn’t say anything for the longest time but his eyes are clouded with his thoughts. When she offers him a spoonful of the cold dessert, he eats it quietly and wipes his lips clean before turning back to her. “Good luck.” Sehun tucks her hair back gently and fights back against his own selfish wishes. “I’m going to miss you alot.”

She hates how it has to be this way and how he won’t even stop her, knowing this isn’t the only option for them but if she holds onto him then she’ll be tempted to come home.

“I’m going to miss you too,” she replies and he leans in to kiss her forehead. “More than anything.”

“Well, in case you ever miss me too much,” he heaves a small sigh and slips his hands into her tiny ones. “You’ll know where I’ll be.”

***

New York is a lot like Seoul. Stoic faces, around the clock traffic and everyone is always rushing somewhere but in this city that reminds her so much of home, Seulgi enjoys the small things that usually go unnoticed. She likes the fact that she can run downstairs to the small coffee shop beneath  her studio apartment in her pajamas and not have to worry about fantaken pictures spreading throughout social media seconds later. Some days she can just sit in Central Park for hours and draw whoever or whatever she sees and not a single person would approach her or bother her. She doesn’t have to look over her shoulder at every corner or duck her head at the sound of cameras clicking. It’s quiet and she feels small but she likes it.

Wendy drops a visit one day as she flew in a day early before her photoshoot, specifically to visit her former member. They grab some pumpkin lattes from the cafe and with a small basket of finger food, they head out for a small picnic at Central Park.

“Your English has gotten really good,” Wendy comments. “It’s almost better than mine.”

Seulgi snickers. “Pretty soon, I will be better since Korean is all you ever speak now.”

Wendy sighs and turns to notice a couple walking their husky nearby. “Sometimes, I wonder if I should have just packed everything up and left too.” Wendy turns her gaze down to the fruit platter. “It’s been a while…” Wendy pauses and Seulgi knows where this conversation is leading to. “What’s the real reason why you didn’t want to continue?”

Seulgi turns away from the little boy throwing bread crumbs at the pigeons and sighs. Everyone had expected all of the Red Velvet members to renew their contracts but at the last minute, Seulgi opted out which eventually resulted in the disbandment of the group after other plans fell through. It’s a guilt she carries everyday but she just couldn’t do it anymore. “I couldn’t breathe.”

Wendy turns to her and Seulgi lowers her gaze.

“After you get off the stage and all the makeup is off and you’re home alone in your bed at two in the morning, fighting for some sleep because you have to wake up in two hours to do it all over again, don’t you ever just question who you are?” Seulgi sighs. “As the years went by, I realized that I was knowing less and less of myself and becoming more of the person people thought I was. I became this avatar and needed others to tell me who I was.” She shakes her head. “I couldn’t do it anymore. The lights, the cameras, the fans. Everyone I talked to kept telling me to be grateful and I am but I have limits too you know.”

“So then,” Wendy sips on her latte. “How’s the soul searching going?”

Seulgi smiles slightly. “Well, I learned that I’m actually lactose intolerant after rushing to urgent care one day for what I thought was a case of bad cramps. Turns out it wasn’t such a good idea to eat that entire gallon of ice cream after all.”

Wendy nods her head. “That explains a lot of things.”

“Yeah,” Seulgi agrees as she thinks back to the time they were endorsing Baskin Robbins. Each time they filmed, Seulgi always spent the night with cramps or diarrhea.

“Alright, you’re lactose intolerant,” Wendy laughs. “Anything else?”

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