“So, were you able to find something to occupy you after school?”

“Oh... right.”

Soonyoung was never fully there in the mornings. It was too early for him to comprehend all of the words spoken to him when all he wanted to do was close his eyes and let his consciousness drift away. Jihoon knew this, so he usually saved more important topics of conversations for later. However, there were the occasional times where he wanted Soonyoung to pay attention to what he was saying.

“What did you do yesterday, then? You didn’t just go home, did you?”

“No, I don’t think so… I went home... ”

Soonyoung laid his head down, using his arms as a pillow. His eyes slowly started to close.

“Did you finish your math homework?”

Soonyoung jerked upright and looked at Jihoon wide-eyed.

“That was due today? It’s only been a day since school started!”

“No, it’s not due until later. I was just wondering if you did it,” chuckled the amused boy.

Soonyoung slouched back into his arms, but he was definitely awake now.

“You’re awful, you know that?”

“It’s your fault for making me feel like I’m having a conversation with a badly programmed AI.”

“Sorry. I just have some things on my mind.”

“Is it school-related?”

Soonyoung sighed. “Kind of. It’s just… there’s someone I didn’t exactly expect to see here. I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What do you feel about it so far?”

“I’m not sure. I probably made a bad impression on them yesterday.”

“And you want to fix that?”
 

“No… I mean yes, but that’s not what I’m unsure about.”

“Okay.”

Soonyoung sighed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell him. It was that he didn’t know how to. Jihoon was never one to pry, so unless Soonyoung chose to say something, Jihoon would never know.

“I met this guy, Seokmin, before school started, and it was only for less that a day, but I really enjoyed spending time with him. I’m assuming he liked it too, since he seemed upset that I just up and left. Or he was upset because I didn’t thank him or something, but I doubt it. He seems like a really genuine person. But when I went to check out the drama club yesterday, he was there, and he recognized me. I ran away, so we really didn’t get to talk. I mean, I liked him, but seeing him suddenly was a bit overwhelming. I just don’t know what to do.”

“So you don’t know… what you want from him?”

“I know what I want from him. I want to be around him and get to know him better, but the problem is me. I don’t know what to do because of what’s on my end. I don’t want him to have to deal with me and my burdens. I mean, feel bad enough that you have to deal with me.”

“You feel bad that I have to deal with you? What the hell are you trying to say? I don’t deal with you. I’m spending my time to speak with you out of my own will. Do you know what that means? It means that I enjoy your company. When I talk to you, you don’t expect me to explain everything, and you don’t try to meddle with my problems. I don’t know who this Seokmin guy is, but if he is the one to approach you, then he probably wants to spend time with you one way or another. Just tell him how you feel, and if he doesn’t want to involve himself anymore, then so be it. If you’re the one struggling to make a decision, why not let him decide? Friendship isn’t one-sided, you know. You should consider his opinion if you can’t make up your mind.”

Soonyoung considered Jihoon’s words carefully. At times like these, he was glad to have him as a friend. Jihoon was able to think more rationally than anyone else he knew, despite not speaking so gently.

“You’re right.”

“Aren’t I always?”

“Sure,” the blond scoffed as Ms. Kim began her lecture. He lowered his voice and leaned over slightly. “Thanks.”

Jihoon gave a small nod of acknowledgement, then faced the front of the room, pen in hand hovering over an open notebook, ready to take notes.

Soonyoung faced the front as well, and as usual, his desk was bare. He rested his elbow on the desk and propped up his forearm in order to support his chin. Ms. Kim’s voice filled the classroom, and the students gave her their attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It happened before he realized what was going on. Lunch break had already begun, and for some reason, a happy-go-lucky boy was in front of Soonyoung’s desk. He was smiling down on him, very obviously holding something behind his back. It was the boy from the drama club the other day, Boo Seungkwan.

“Um… hi? Seungkwan, right?”

“You remembered!”

Soonyoung looked over at Jihoon at the desk beside him, silently asking for help, to which Jihoon shrugged.

“Uh, so what brings you here?”

“I’m here to deliver a message?”

“A message… from Seokmin?”

“Bingo! He wasn’t sure you would be happy to see him, so he sent me instead.”

“Oh, well… what’s the message?”

Seungkwan looked around, then promptly set a small handful of flowers on Soonyoung’s desk. He immediately dashed off afterwards.

“Flowers? What’s the message?”

He picked up a flower and inspected it. It had deep purple velvety petals that fanned out triumphantly. The intensity of the colors increased near the center, but the center itself was a sunny yellow. It reminded him of the flower Seokmin left him that day. The lilac. Did he have a thing for purple flowers?

“Purple pansies,” Jihoon said suddenly.

“What?”

“Those flowers. They’re pansies.”

“That’s cool. I didn’t know you knew flowers, but then again, what don’t you know?.”

“Okay, sarcasm aside… I think the message is in the flower.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Flowers have a language of their own, you know. That flower in particular… I think this Seokmin guy really likes you.”

“Why?”

“You occupy my thoughts.”

“What? Did I miss something? What?”

“Don’t misunderstand. It’s what that flower means. I think that’s the message.”

“You occupy… Are you sure that’s right? Maybe that’s not it… Oh! What about lilacs? What do they mean?”

“Lilacs?” Jihoon put a hand to his chin. “If I’m not mistaken… they symbolize the first emotions of love.”

“L-love?”

Soonyoung could feel himself slowly heat up. He wasn’t used to such straightforward advances. Assuming Jihoon was right, that is. Seokmin wasn’t even there but he was affecting him. That meant that Seokmin felt something for him within the few hours that they spent together. He definitely felt something for Seokmin as well, but it was probably something different.

“Well, I’m going to assume he likes you. So… if he likes you enough, maybe he won’t mind you and your problems.”

“Maybe”

“Try talking to him. You never know.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Soonyoung.”

“I’m not rejecting the idea. I just… need to commit to a decision.”
 

“Well you’re going to have to decide before school ends.”

“Yeah.”

Soonyoung didn’t pay attention to lecture after it started again. He twirled his pencil in his hands, watching mindlessly as it spun.

“Kwon Soonyoung.”

“Hmm?” the blond dropped his pencil to the floor as he looked up in response to the teacher’s call.

“Would you come up to the board to solve the problem?”

Soonyoung glanced at the board. It was full of chalk markings. When did she write so much?

He reluctantly got up from his seat and slowly made his way to the board, trying to evaluate the problem in his short ten-second walk up. He just as slowly grabbed a piece of chalk, still keeping his eyes on the board.

Oh. She taught this yesterday.

When the answer clicked in his head, he swiftly wrote down his answer with confidence. He glanced up at Ms. Kim for approval, and when she confirmed the answer, he went back to his seat. As soon as he sat down, he put his head down using his arms as a pillow. He didn’t have to worry about being called again that lecture, and he wouldn’t be able to pay attention if he tried, so he might as well just go to sleep.

“Hey, Soonyoung.”

There was a light tap on his shoulder.

“Soonyoung, wake up. School’s over.”

He woke up, but kept his eyes closed. He felt lethargic. Naps never energized him like he thought they would, and he always ended up more tired than when he went to sleep. He yawned, stretching his arms outward, and finally opened his eyes. The classroom was empty save him and Jihoon. It was quiet enough that he could hear the clock ticking.

He noticed something on his desk. Something that wasn’t there before, nor was something of his. A small potted plant. It had a grouping of flowers on the top, arranged in a way that made it look like a tail. Or perhaps a bell? These flowers had delicate petals that were a soft purple.

Soonyoung looked at Jihoon.

“This…”

“That Seungkwan kid came back with it. From that Seokmin guy again.”

“What… what does this one mean?”

“It’s Linaria. I’m not one-hundred percent sure on the meaning, but I’m sure it’s Linaria. You’re going to have to look up the meaning yourself. I’ve got to go. My student is probably waiting.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“See you.”

Soonyoung pulled out his phone from his pocket and opened a search engine.

“Li… na… ri… a”

It took less than a second for results to pop up. He clicked on the first result, which showed a picture of the flower and some basic information. The flower was right, but it didn’t tell him what it meant. He went back to the search bar to modify his search.”

“Linaria meaning.”

Again, he clicked on the first result that showed up. He scanned the meaning quickly, and then shut off the phone screen. He buried his head down in his arms after feeling his face heat up.

“Lee Seokmin… why are you so direct?”

He took some deep breaths to calm himself down, and he made his decision. He wanted to be around Seokmin. Maybe it wasn’t in the same way that Seokmin wanted him, but maybe it was. He just really wanted to give in to his selfishness so much that it surprised him.

He leaned over to pick up his long since abandoned pencil when he spotted it on the floor and stuffed it in his bag. He hadn’t taken anything else out that day, so there was nothing else to pack. He grabbed his bag and picked up the potted plant, then headed for the drama room.

It took him less time to get there than the day before, since he knew where it was located now. However, it still took him a bit of him to find the courage to open the door. This time though, he didn’t have to find the courage. The door opened suddenly when he didn’t expect it, revealing the boy he was looking for. It caught him off-guard, as he hadn’t yet figured out what he wanted to say to him, and he started uttering sounds but couldn’t form words with them. Seokmin looked surprised as well, but only watched as Soonyoung struggled with his words.

The flustered blond looked down, then remembered the potted plant that he was still holding. He raised the pot towards Seokmin’s face.

“I… this.”

“Do you know what it means?”

Soonyoung couldn’t bring himself to look at Seokmin’s eyes as he answered.

“I think so.”

“And?”

“I don’t know if I feel the same. I don’t know what I feel, actually. I think I just want to be around you.”

Seokmin inhaled deeply, and Soonyoung finally looked at him. He softly exhaled and smiled softly, and Soonyoung was suddenly conscious of that familiar feeling of safety. That familiar feeling of home.

“I want to be around you too. I like you a lot, which I guess might seem weird since we don’t know each other than well, but I like being around you. I liked holding your hand and falling asleep together. I’m probably an idiot, but I at least know my own feelings. I like you, even if I don’t have many reasons to yet. I mean, who really needs a reason to like someone? Falling in love is just something that happens, whether you’re ready for it or not. Not that I love you or anything. I just… like you. And I hope that you’ll like me back one day, but for now, you knowing how I feel is enough. So, I think it’s safe to say that I want to be around you too.”

Soonyoung listened to his heartfelt words, staring directly into his eyes as the boy spoke, with Seokmin staring right back. There was something in this moment that was just so genuine, and it was truthfully a foreign feeling. He felt bare, even though he hadn’t exposed anything. It just somehow felt stripped of everything and was facing Seokmin as the purely and sincerely Kwon Soonyoung, and nothing more, nothing less. Soonyoung began to wonder if there was such a thing as soulmates, and if he had found his. He couldn’t describe it in any way other than it felt right.

He wanted to hold him at that moment. It wasn’t a logical next step or anything. It was instinct. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Seokmin, one hand still holding onto the potted Linaria. Seokmin didn’t say anything as he hugged Soonyoung back, bringing a hand up to his blond, damaged hair. Seokmin leaned his head against Soonyoung’s and started humming a comforting melody.

I wonder if this is what home feels like.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~