While I was sitting on one of the stools on the dining counter, the only sound I could hear echoing through the four corners of the apartment was the sounds created by passing cars across the street. I just arrived from Carat Café where I had coffee at the middle of the day with Jeonghan and Seungcheol. I did not want to disturb them with my presence, not when today was supposed to be their most important “first month anniversary”, so I left them alone. But to be honest with myself, I did not just want to torture myself any further by hanging around them and watching them be so sweet and intimate with each other.

***

“Why are you leaving?” Seungcheol asked when we got out of the café and I told them I was going back. “You can hang out with us, right Jeonghan-ah?” He turned to my best friend and smiled at him.

“Right,” Jeonghan answered while he gave me looks that I could fully understand that he wanted me to refuse the offer.

I felt hurt by what he meant with the looks he was giving me. It felt as if he wanted me to ‘get the off’ not that that was what he truly meant. I get it that he wanted to be alone together with his boyfriend. And I was not that insensitive to not notice. “No, I am good. And besides, I need to finish a song I am composing.”

“Are you sure?” Seungcheol insisted. “Jeonghan would be sad if you’re not with us,” he continued as he pulled Jeonghan closer to him.

Right… I thought. “I’m sure, Cheol. And besides, don’t you want him a-all to y-yourself?” I almost choked on my words because of saying things I did not really mean. In reality, I wanted to stay. Probably to even snatch Jeonghan from his hold. But more than being courageous (because I was able to stay with them in the café for almost an hour while they act sweetly with each other) I was more of a coward. A coward because I was letting another man hold the person I love and I was not doing anything about it.

“Oh, okay then!” Seungcheol let go of Jeonghan and gave me a brotherly hug. “See you when I visit my Jeonghan at your flat,” he said smiling while he resumed his hold of him.

I left.

***

“He’s not ‘your’ Jeonghan!” I shouted at the fading image of Seungcheol’s smiling face. I punched the marble surface of the kitchen counter with my hands that were clenched into fists. And I cursed