Not all angels have wings

♦

Days passed.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, a slight breakdown, Saturday, fear of falling asleep, Sunday, inability to fall asleep. And Monday again.

And the circle repeats itself, again and again, and it’d been like that for the last three months, since Jongdae’s little life companion was born.

Jongdae lies in his bed, looking at the picture next to this bed.

“Why?” he whispered in the darkness, as if expecting someone to answer him, “what have I done to deserve it? What have I done wrong?”

A tear rolls down his cheek, and he feels irritation take over him.

“Shouldn’t cry, cannot cry, you’d been crying too much for too long, what good is crying anyway, tears are a sign of weakness and –“ a violent voice in his head screams at him, a very angry voice, a voice of annoyance, irritation, and anger.

“I am not weak, I am not weak, I am not!” he chants to himself, wrapping his arms around his head.

It’d been like that for quite some time. Jongdae would hear voice screaming and yelling at him whenever the night got too dark.

The boy lets out a sign of relief, as the voice go away. He still got some control. He quickly looked at the cradle, and the baby inside. With shaking legs he gets up and walks towards it. He gasps, upon realizing the baby is not sleeping. Just lying there, looking at the little angels hanging above his head.

“Hey, little one,” Jongdae whispered, and the child looks at him with his big, dark eyes. The man smiles sadly, extending his hand lightly to touch the boy. The infant extends his little hand at the same time and grabs the older’s finger, smiling at his widely. Jongdae feels a weight on his chest and new tears threating to fall down.

The child just lays there, looking at him with sparkles dancing in his eyes. The eyes too familiar to Jongdae, and he just cannot forgive himself for all the thoughts that haunt him at nights.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, afraid to disturb the silence, but the assurance seemed to be more to himself then the child, “I will be better,” he promises, “I will be good. I will take care of you. I will not listen to  them,” he shakes his head, feeling ashamed, “we’ll be fine, Nini, won’t we?” he chuckles humorless.

He raises his eyebrow, when he feels the child’s light touch tightens around his finger, and suddenly, maybe too sudden, as Jongdae jumps slightly, his heartbeat rising, a loud, melodic, cheerful laugh travels around the room, and Jongdae feels as if the Heavens opened up above him.

Jongin, the little, quiet, shining star on Jongdae’s jet black sky, a child that had been only smiling at Jongdae, never laughing at him or because of him, was lying there, in the middle of the dark night, chasing away all the doubts Jongdae’s heart had ever had. The boy’s eyes were shining with fire, his cheeks dusted light pink, his plumb lips spread wide, little legs curling to his stomach just to straighten again, and his fingers tightened around Jongdae’s. Jongin calmed down for a moment and smiled widely at the older, just to get back to his outburst a moment later. But the smile engraved itself on Jongdae’s mind, and the older frowned slightly when a new image showed up in his mind.

Of the doctor. Kim Minseok.

The other was just smiling at him, and Jongdae suddenly realized what was that feeling he felt in his guts upon seeing that face.

Nostalgia.

His mother used to smile like that. As if there was no bad happening in the world. As if the world didn’t exist, Jongdae thought sometimes, sitting in her arms when he was younger, as if it was only them in that very moment in time. The smile that protected Jongdae from darkness.

And the doctor, Kim Minseok, he smiled the same way. He smiled like an angel.

Jongdae chuckled to himself at how cheesy his thoughts sounded, and took the still laughing child in his arms.

He smiled softly as he felt a pleasant warmth spread in his chest, and a massive weight being lifted from his shoulder as he walks around the room with a now almost asleep child pressed to his heart.

“Thank you,” he whispered, looking into the darkness outside the window, and suddenly, it doesn’t seem so dark anymore.

Until tomorrow.

♦

Minseok yawned, rubbing his eyes. It was two in the morning, and he just hated night shifts more than anything in the world. He was fine with already having troubles falling asleep, a conditions his friend speculated was simply insomnia, however, even as a doctor Minseok tended to brush things off, telling his friend and himself that he had probably drank just too much coffee that day. So yes, he was fine with a hidden insomnia, he didn’t need to screw it up even more confusing his biological clock with his night shifts. But then again, he was a doctor so he had to.

Life was just so hard for Kim Minseok.

He chuckled at the thought, “you complain like an ahjussi,” he mumbled to himself, getting up to grab a new bottle of water. If he stayed in his office, he would probably fall asleep, and he knew he was not allowed to. So he took the water and headed to the reception of the hospital to talk to Amber. They could be miserable together.

Going down the hall, taking out his phone, ready to show Amber some weird meme he had found earlier, he stops dead in his trucks when he hears his friend’s voice shouting to another nurse to call him. When he looked straight ahead, at a small gathering by the reception, he forgot how to breath.

♦

Minseok was sitting by a table in his apartment, a cup of coffee to his left, and a huge amount of papers in front of his. There was music playing in the background and many voices flooding the room from the outside. There was heating , and normally he would freak out long time ago that the heaters were working and the windows were open at the same time. But there was also water boiling in a kettle, screaming for someone to turn it off for quite some time, Minseok’s phone kept buzzing over and over again, but the man didn’t seem to be phased by it. He was sitting straight, almost like a statue, on his chair, looking at a sheet of paper for what felt like forever. His eyes were slightly narrowed, a few wrinkles around them, and there was a general tension on his young face, disturbing the features. 

He bit his lower lip, a habit of his when he found himself in uncomfortable situation.

He grabbed his phone and ignoring many unanswered calls he flipped through the contacts and pressed dial when he found the person he was looking for. After a few signals, he heard a cheerful but tired voice on the other end.

“Minseok-ah! How are you?”

“Hello, Taeyeon. I’m fine, thank you. How are you doing?”

“You know, been better, but it’s still not as bad as I know it can get. I’m alright for now.”

“I am glad to hear that,” he whispered, feeling bad for his friend, “if you ever need anything, just let me know, alright? I’ll be there in five to help.”

He heard a soft sigh, “I know,” the woman whispered, “and I will never be able to thank you enough. Baekhyun said the same. You guys are just too much,” she finished, and Minseok thought he heard a sob.

“Noona, don’t cry,” he whined, “everything will be alright! And if Baekhyun said he’d help you, he will! You know him! We all will,” he finished softly.

“I know,” Taeyeon mumbled, collecting herself, “I am sorry, it’s just the lack of sleep and nerves. I don’t know what got over me.”

“It’s fine, Tae. Don’t worry. It’s just me,” Minseok murmured, smiling slightly even though the girl wasn’t able to see it.

“So, Minnie, why are you calling? Has anything happened?”

There was silence for a few moments, before Minseok took a deep breath in, and started speaking “noona, when are you going back to the clinic?”

“Probably not quickly,” she confessed, “I think I will need to take some time off.”

He could hear sadness, exhaustion and what bothered him the most a sense of shame in his friend’s words.

“I met with Kim Jongdae,” he started, and by the heavy silence between them, he could sense that Taeyeon already knew what was the problem, “and his son,” he added, “he told me about the predictions considering the boy’s health. And the routine check-ups, and all.”

“Did he?” Taeyeon seemed a bit surprised.

“He was very reluctant, even wanted to leave and wait for you to come back, but I think I managed to talk some sense into him. A mean, there has been no complaint about me yet, so I guess he decided not to change the doctor.”

“He is very… very special, Minseok,” Taeyeon mumbled, “has anything happened?”

“I am holding the boy’s results in my hands right now,” he whispered, “they are literally screaming red, Taeyeon. This condition could not just happen overnight.”

“It hasn’t,” the woman whispered, “they were already bad five weeks ago, when I last checked them.”

“Five weeks?! Taeyeon you were hiding his condition for five weeks?! Do you know what –“

“I do!” the girl shouted, silencing him, “I do know the consequences, Minseok, but you don’t understand. You don’t know Jongdae like I do. I wanted to make sure. I was to run the checkup again, but you’ve done it instead of me…” her voice lowered to a whisper, “I just needed to make sure, before telling, Dae.”

The nickname his friend used did not slip his ears, but he chose not to care about it.

“What is the case, then, Taeyeon?” he asked, and the woman sighed.

“Before I tell you… will you take this case for me?”

Minseok stayed silent for a few moment, then more, and minutes passed, without him saying a word, and the only thing indicating that he was still on the line was his heavy breath.

He was thinking, thinking deeply about it. Was he ready for it? He might have finished school earlier due to being an extraordinary child, and got a bit ahead of everyone else, but this was life, not books. And life had not yet prepared him for taking up someone’s case. He was there to give general checkups, prescriptions, and measure temperature. Not to deal with such mysteriously looking conditions, and even more mysterious people.

People. Minseok thought back to the small figure of a shadow of a man sitting opposite him in his office. He thought about Jongdae’s tense posture, and dark aura. How the boy kept a firm, tight grip on the baby, as if expecting something bad to happen any minute. There was something about him. There was something about the boy and the way he looked that made Minseok feel something he hadn’t felt in a while. Curiosity.

“Minseok?” Taeyeon asks unsurely.

“Okay,” he agrees, and feels a tight fist of nerves tight on his stomach, “I will do it.”

Taeyeon gives a sigh of relief, and clears , “Kim Jongdae is quite an interesting case.”

“Kim Jongdae?” Minseok wonders, “aren’t we supposed to talk about Jongin’s condition?”

“Before we get to that, as a new supervisor of these two, you need to know the background story, Minseok. Do you have time, or should I call later?”

Minseok looks around, and finally realizes the kettle is still on. He quickly gets up to turn it off, almost falling to the ground. “Is it going to be a long story?”

“Rather.”

“Maybe you’d want to come over? If you can, of course,” he offers, making himself a cup of coffee. The one on his table was cold, anyway.

“Actually,” Taeyeon mumbles, thinking about the idea, “I’ll be there in three,” she informs and hungs up.

So Minseok waits, taking the white paper into his hand again, looking at it curiously, and his mind is filled with images of the small boy in the office. The more Minseok thought about Jongdae, the more he wanted to wrap a blanket around him and put him to sleep.

Not long after the door to Minseok’s apartment open and a beautiful woman in long dark hair comes in. Minseok is already seated on the couch, sipping on yet another cup of coffee, as he looks to his side, greeting the newcomer.

“I swear one day you’ll die from all the coffee,” she grins.

“I’ll worry about it on that day, then,” he replied, smiling from the edge of the cup.

“Haven’t you ever thought you have problems with sleeping because of the amount of coffee you drink at such late hours?”

“Late hours? It’s 6 pm, it’s like a middle of the day for me!” he exclaims, pretending to be surprised, but fails under the girl’s steady glance, “noona, stop, you’re scaring me,” he mumbles, and the girl laughs. She takes a seat next to Minseok, and the boy moves to prepare a tea for her. After a small chit chat, they get down to business.

“So,” the boy starts, “Kim Jongdae, huh?”

Taeyeon put the cup down, and made herself comfortable, “nine months ago Yoona, Jongdae’s sister, got pregnant,” she started, “however, she didn’t know at first, actually for quite some time, so the baby was under a constant influence of alcohol and cigarettes. She was a good girl, but so lost. One day she ended up in a hospital, and that’s when we figured she was pregnant. It was fourth month. I started supervising the pregnancy; she changed pretty quickly. So was taking care of herself, stopped drinking, smoking, she basically became a model pregnant woman, I’d say,” she sighed, and chuckled a bit at a memory, “a few times she came for a checkup with a young boy, oh, wasn’t he handsome!” she exclaimed, and giggled.

“Noona, focus,” Minseok grinned at his friend, “was that boy Jongdae, then?”

“I knew you’d find him handsome as well,” she mumbled, winking at him. Minseok’s cheeks quickly dusted pink, but he cleared his throat and shook his head, which only made Taeyeon laugh louder. “Anyway,” she suddenly calmed down, and decided to continue the story, “due to the lifestyle she was leading at the beginning of the pregnancy, I started worrying about the child’s possible health condition. We both were. She was a smart girl, she quickly figured something was not alright. But the next two months passed, and things were only getting better, the child was growing, she was happy and excited, her pregnancy was no longer put under the high risk… so you can only imagine what a shock it was when Jongdae brought her one evening, crying out in pain, because her water broke. It was sixth month –“

Taeyeon was silent for a moment, and Minseok started wondering whether that was it, but then she smiled sadly, as if at a distant memory, and carried the story on.

“We suddenly had to choose between saving the child or the mother. We informed both Yoona and Jongdae about it, and oh my,” she gasped, “we had to give him a sedative. Suddenly, just like that, he started kicking, and screaming, yelling at Yoona not to be stupid, not to kill herself. I was shocked. Yoona was ready to give up her life for the baby, she was so sure and had her mind set, but … I felt so sympathetic towards Jongdae. Later, I learnt that only a couple of weeks before his mother had died. But after all, it was Yoona’s decision in the end. Selfish, if you ask me, but what can I say. She made Jongdae promise to take care of the child. I wish I could stop them, talk some sense into it, tell her that if she wants to do it she shouldn’t bring her brother down as well, but I couldn’t. They signed papers, and we took her to labor –“

There were small tears streaming down Taeyeon’s cheeks, and her eyes were glossy. Her breath hitched, and her form shook a bit. Minseok didn’t quite know what to say, or do. He was stunned by the information.

“Noona –“

“Jongdae turned his back on the whole world that day. Because he had to take the child, he couldn’t go to Japan. He was a bright kid, very smart, he had a great future ahead of him. They offered him an internship and a scholarship in one of the best Universities in Tokyo. But he chose to stay. A few hours after the… after Jongin was born, we were standing next to the incubator in which the boy spent, well quite a few weeks, and I was looking at Jongdae, and oh my, he looked so broken, Minseok,” her voice broke down, “he looked nothing like the boy I had used to see coming to my office with his sister. He seemed so dead inside, I was actually afraid his heart might have stopped. I just wanted to help. I really only wanted to help. So I gave him a leaflet, information about an adoption center. At first he didn’t act at all, but after some time he started screaming at me. He acted like a lunatic. But I don’t blame him. I would too. It took some time, but he calmed down and came to terms, I guess, with the whole situation. He got very attached. Due to both deaths in his life in such a short amount of time, he didn’t really trust doctors. I was the only one he was visiting, the only one he let be around Jongin. And that’s only because I promised her sister I’d take care of them.”

“What about his father? Can’t he help?”

“His father is just another person Jongdae needs to take care of. He’s an old man now, and suffer from memory loss, from what I remember. He broke down after her wife’s death, and to be honest,” she looked at Minseok, “I am not sure Jongdae had even told him about his sister’s passing away. The man is kept in a special health clinic. I stay in contact with a doctor there, she’s a friend of mine, and she once told me the man doesn’t have much time left.”

They were sitting in a silence, both deep in thoughts. Minseok was shocked, and he just didn’t know how to form any coherent sentence. He looked at the paper in front of him on the table.

“Why do you want me to take this case?” he asked quietly.

“Because you are the first doctor Jongdae didn’t went lunatic-mode with?” she chuckled, but there was not humor behind it.

“That’s only because I was the one to take your shift. Maybe if someone else did, he’d act the same.”

“Maybe,” the woman simply answered, eying her friend curiously.

“Why didn’t you tell Jongdae about the child’s condition?” he asked again.

“Have you seen him?” she snorted, “I was afraid he would break down again. I mean, there’s only so much one can take. And I am not sure how much he can still take… before it will be too much. So I needed to make sure. Minseok, I swear, I just wanted to make sure!”

“I believe you,” he whispered back, not adverting his gaze from the papers, “I will not cause you trouble, don’t worry. No one will know about it.”

He heard a long sigh of relief, and felt a warm hand on his back, “it will be good for you, too, you know. Taking this case.”

“And why would it be?” he replied automatically, enjoying the warmth of the woman’s hand.

“Confidence boost?” she joked, and Minseok opened his eyes.

“Yah! I don’t need confidence boost! I graduated from Harvard!”

“Oh, huh, alright, so maybe it’ll kick your ego down, mister smarty pants,” she joked, and Minseok cracked a smile.

“You know what,” Taeyeon suddenly spoke in a soft whisper, “I think I know why Jondgae didn’t mind you.” Minseok raised his eyebrow at this, curious of what his friend had come up with. “I think it was your angelic smile.”

Minseok burst out laughing, expecting many but this, and threw a cushion in the elder’s face.

“So… I gotta tell him that his child is burning like fire?” he mumbled after a few moments. “How do I do it, noona? He looked… he looked so small when he came to the office. Like a kicked puppy, and all I want to do now is break his owner’s arm,” he confessed, running a hand through his hair.

“Awwww,” Taeyeon cooed, “Minnie, do you have a crush?” she squeaked, bringing fists to her face.

“What?! Of course, I don’t! Taeyeon!” he exclaimed, feeling like in primary school again.

“I am so telling Baekhyun the part about kicked puppy, he’ll love it.”

“Omg, no, don’t, he’ll never let me live this down! You can’t use such things against me! We’re discussing serious matters!”

“Yeah, and you’ve just referred to my patient is a really cute manner, so I’m writing this down, and please engrave it on my stone. My Minnie’s ice heart finally melts! Are the Ice Prince’s days numbered?!”

“Omg, stop acting like a child, noona, don’t,” Minseok mumbled feeling embarrassed for his friend, “no one engraves anything on your stone, maybe apart from ‘Kim Taeyeon, the annoying noona’, and I am not an Ice Prince! I just have different priorities now, than dating!”

“XiuXiu,” Taeyeon cooed, and Minseok frowned upon hearing his old nickname, from times when they were on an exchange in China, “XiuXiu, but you current priorities will not pop your cherry,” she giggled, and Minseok turned a beetroot red.

“NOONA!” he yelled, getting up, “I am almost 27! Why would you think I am still a ?! Why, no, wait, why would you think of it general?! Omg, I think it’s time to finish this conversation!” he was panicking, feeling terribly embarrassed.

Taeyeon was only lying on the couch, laughing uncontrollably at her lunatic friend, “oh, Minseok, I love you,” he laughed out, gathering herself.

♦

“Amber!” he shouts, quickly running towards the people gathered a few feet away from him. When they step aside, Minseok’s eyes land on Jongdae, weakly standing by the counter, with eyes big from fear, face pale and exhausted. He was breathing slowly, his lips were moving, but Minseok couldn’t hear what he was saying.

“The child,” Amer’s voice brought him from his train of thoughts, “it has a really high fever, Minseok.”

Minseok cursed under his breath, remembering the test results. He quickly took a weirdly calm boy from Amber’s arms, and shoot Jongdae one last look.

“Someone take care of him” he said to the nurses, “he looks like he’s about to faint.”

♦

Minseok stood in a small room with many medical appliances, biting his lower lip. The child was sick, very sick, and he didn’t know why, or what exactly was it that caused such a bad condition, so he couldn’t just treat Jongin like a normal child with a fever.

“Minseok!” Amber yelled, “earth to Minseok! What the hell is wrong with you?! Do something!”

“I can’t,” he whispered, and his hands started shaking, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Are you a freaking doctor, or not?!” the girl was yelling.

“For ’s sake, Amber! I’ve just finished my internship, I am not Taeyeon or Siwon!”

“But you are a doctor, Minseok!” she said calmer, “you’re just as good as they are.”

“You don’t understand. This child is severely ill, we cannot treat him like any other infant with a flu,” he whispered, and the girl paled. But neither of them got to speak, as a weak whisper came from the door.

“What?”

Minseok’s head snapped to the right, and there he saw it again. A shadow of a man, leaning against the frame of the door.

“The results,” the boy continued, quietly, shaking, “you’ve got the results.”

“Yes,” Minseok whispered back, suddenly feeling paralyzed.

Jongdae took a few steps forward, and near the table on which the infant was lying. Amber frowned, checking the boy up and down, and her eyes widened at how skinny he was. She shoot Minseok a meaningful glance, and he just nodded, but gestured for her not to say anything.

“Jongdae-ssi,” he spoke softly, but the boy only stood there, looking at the boy. His lips were moving again, low whispers escaping them, but they remained an enigma.

“I beg,” the boy’s broken whisper reach him, “I beg you, Minseok-ssi, help me.”

Jongdae had his head hanging low, hair covering his face, his back bent, but his shoulder were shaking. And Minseok suddenly thought about everything Taeyeon had told him, about his sister, his mother, his father, and the boy. About the chance that was standing in front of Jongdae, and how life kicked him to the ground and made him resign. And then his thoughts took him on a different track, and he thought about himself, how selfish he was acting for many years just to reach his goal, and was almost burning bridges behind him. He was ready to do anything.

“how much will be too much,” Taeyeon’s voice sounded in his mind, and his heart skipped a bit.

“Jongdae-ssi,” he said again, but this time his voice was firm, steady, and strong. But when the younger looked up at him, he had to bit his lip not to let out a sigh. Jongdae was like a scattered pieces of glass. He placed his hand on Jongdae’s shoulder, and smiled, “I promised you, remember? I will do my best.” And then he remember when Taeyeon said that maybe the reason why Jongdae hadn’t turned him down right away was his smile. Even though he didn’t believe it, he sent Jongdae his most sincere smile.

The smile of an angel.

♦

Hello !

So yeah, I planned on making this one longer, but I have a weird sense this is gonna turn out to be an actual chaptered fic (a short one tho) but yeah, I'm gonna take it off of "one shot" hahhaha

NOT PROOFREAD AS I NEED TO ELAVE NOW SO IT'S A QUICK UPDATE!

I reamm hope you guys enjoy it, please leave comments with your opinions! :)

With love, badblood