Some nights bring nightmares and other bring angels - not all angels have wings [part I]

Not all angels have wings

♦

Jongdae was lying on his bed, in the darkness, looking at the city lights outside. He tried to sleep, but his mind was occupied with worries, and his heart with sorrow. The clock on a night table showed 1:00 am. He sighed, feeling even more tired at the thought of what was to come in a few hours. He curled even more, lying on his right side, and looked down. A shadow of a sad smile appeared on his lips, and a few wrinkles decorated corners of his tired eyes.

Jongdae looked around the room. There was a closet on the opposite wall, at the bottom of the bed, and door to its right. A mirror hanged on a wall next to the door, and across the mirror was a massive, English styled window, with a small couch instead of a windowsill. The bed stood in the middle of the room, and on the nightstand in the corner, stood a small frame with a picture of a laughing duo. They were both laughing, a girl had her hand around Jongdae’s shoulder and was pressing a finger into his cheek, while he was trying to avoid the touch.

His eyes stayed at the picture for a little longer, until a wave of sadness washed over him. So he adverted his gaze, not wanting to cry anymore, and turned his head around, to look at the other side of the room. There, in a faint light coming from the outside, stood a blue cradle, with small teddy bears inside, and sheets with sheep.

A shiver ran down his spine, and a small whine reached his ears. Jongdae frowned, and quickly grabbed a blanket that was covering him up to his hips, and pulled it up, covering almost the whole form of an infant dressed in a white, sheep-like onesie that was sleeping next to him, pressed against his stomach, curling his little fingers on Jongdae's shirt.

These were nights like that one, cold, late, and alone that bothered Jongdae the most. Lying on the bed in the darkness, with the small living thing under his hand, feeling the baby’s light breath and small whines, deprived of a presence of anyone else, with a deafening silence surrounding him, his mind went crazy. Despite the exhaustion after the whole day of work and taking care of the boy he had so suddenly become responsible for, with his body begging for rest, his mind was at full speed, constantly analyzing every little decision he had made to end up in a situation like this.

All Jongdae wanted was someone to hug him and tell him everything would be alright. He was twenty three, but he felt as if he was only nine and got back home with his first F. The situation was overwhelming for him, and the lack of rest was slowly showing. He had problems focusing, his head was constantly hurting, he felt weak and lost all his passion, even for the smallest and slightest things. Jongdae had had a whole life ahead of him. He was about to go to Japan for a year internship, and to finish his studies there. He used to be the best student at his year. He had passion, love for life, a smile on his face. Everyone always told him he was made for great things.

Jongdae chuckled at the sudden, bitter memory.

Great things. Little did they know that life had decided differently.

Jongdae looked up. There, in the corner, above the nightstand, next to the window, on a wall hanged his college diploma. Along with it, a scholarship awaited him, which he had to turn down.

“Bachelor of Political Science”

His parents were so proud of him. He still remembers, and probably always will, the smile on his mother’s tired, hollowed face. A smile that once used to bring up the sun, and chase away the darkness. He wished his mother was still with him to chase away the shadows that he was drowning in right now. But the woman died only a few days after Jongdae’s graduation; colorectal cancer.

Helping people. That was always his goal. After getting one degree, he was to move to Tokyo and get his master in Human Rights. Unfortunately, in the short amount of a few months between getting his degree and his departure, his world had been turned upside down. So he stayed in Seoul, and had since then been working in a public relations sector, drowning in papers every day.

He chuckled again, wondering how long did he have of working there. With his current lack of efficiency, and low work ethic, he was almost sure he would get fired any day. Then, he could only hope that his minor in history would save him.

A small cry snapped Jongdae out of his thoughts, and he quickly looked down at the little sheep in his arms, alarmed. The baby cried louder and louder, so he took the baby boy in his arms, and started doing what he would always do – sing.

I brush off the dust on the old diary The inside that suddenly opened up, brightly

You are there still Like before, you are remained

I recall the pictures that I lived forgetting The little tremblings splurge in my body

It’s a bit of a sad thing that we can’t go back to that time

He sang quietly, rocking the child in his arms, as he was walking around the room. His eyes were heavy, his voice weak and slightly rusty, but his arms were keeping the boy firmly, as if he was the most precious thing in the whole world. And in Jongdae’s world, he was. But he was also a terrible responsibility, and a reminder of a great pain, that Jongdae was not sure his heart would ever deal with. If anything, he was worrying it might not take it, burst out of his chest, and the child would be left alone. Again.

Jondgae was weak, and he was afraid of it.

A tear streamed down his cheek, and he quickly rushed to wipe it off. He laid his little sheep in the blue cradle, and sighed. He turned the electric lullaby on, and falling down on his bed, fell asleep at last.

6am on the dot, the child woke Jongdae up for the third time straight. The boy sighed, finding it hard to even turn around. His head felt like a pack of stones, his eyes as if they were sewed, and the rest of his body was numb. He was losing all his strength, every morning was worse than the previous one, but each day he had to bring himself up and take care of the child lying in the other end of the bed.

His life became a routine. Waking up, picking up the infant, going to the kitchen, singing slightly to the child while the milk was heated, sitting on a small, purple couch by the window in a living room, looking outside on the city below him, while feeding the small human in his arms. He would play with the child until seven, then there would be a sound of a door bell ringing throughout the apartment, and on the other side would stand Jongdae's neighbour, an always smiling old lady who agreed to look after the baby between 7am and 2:30pm. Leaving the boy with the woman, Jongdae would shower and dress in a hurry, always making it within thirty minutes, and then would storm out of the apartment to make it to work at 8:15am. Exactly at 2:30pm Jongdae would open the door to his apartment, the old lady would greet him with a massive smile on her face, white teeth showing, and waves of wrinkles around her dark eyes; with an infant dressed in the sheep onesie in her arms. She would chit chat with Jongdae for a few moments, give him a warm lunch and watch him eat, then would bring him warm tea, telling him all the gossips from the apartment block, about the neightbour living on the second floor and his annoying cat, the one living above them who seemed suspiciously quiet, or a couple from the top floor that she thought would soon split up. Then, at 3:15pm she would leave, placing a soft kiss on Jongdae's cheek, with Jongdae constantly thanking her for everything, and telling her she did not have to cook from him, as it was too much of a burden, but the lady would always pretend she did not hear anything, and would disappear behind the door opposite his, leaving Jongdae standing alone in a cold hallway, with a child in his hands. After closing the door to his apartment, and taking in the sudden silence, Jongdae would place the sleeping boy in the cradle, and would have exactly one hour to do his work, before the baby would wake up. He would always spend his afternoons playing with the child, or going for a walk if the weather was nice. When the evening was nearing, he would place the child in a chair next to the cupboards, and start preparing a small dinner for him. While preparing the dinner, Jongdae would talk to the child, telling him about what happened in work that day, or would ask the little one about things they were doing with the old lady while he was gone. Sometimes, the child would smile, or laugh, giving out noises, as if answering Jongdae's questions, but the older knew the boy was probably only drooling, or found something amazingly interesing in that one spot on the wall. When the food was ready, Jongdae would sit opposite the boy, and would eat in silence. Sometimes, the child would smile at him, and his heart would skip, but most of the time the boy was falling asleep at that point. So Jongdae would leave his half eaten food and would take the infant back to his cradle. There, in a dim light of the city outside, he would sit in an armchair standing next to the cradle, and looking at the sleeping sheep, he would let his worries and fears surface again.

And that was what he was doing now. He sat there, looking at the boy, his head resting on the back of the armchair, his knees pressed against his chest, singing softly and quietly.

“Sleep, little one,” he whispered, “everything will be alright.”

His body and mind quickly gave up to exhaustion, and Jongdae fell asleep in the armchair, taking a few hours of rest before the routine of the next day.

♦

Jongdae got back from work, and all the wanted was to sleep. His head was pounding, his knees were giving up, and his arms hurt from the amount of paperwork he had in hands. Upon entering the apartment, he was greeted by the wide smile of his neighbor, who quickly realized something was wrong.

“Jongdae, darling, are you feeling alright?” she asked, pressing a hand to his forehead.

The boy smiled weakly, placing the folders on a nearby table, “yes, Mrs. Oh, I am just a little tired. It’s been a tough day,” he chuckled.

“Jongdae, dear, you cannot live like that!” she exclaimed, “you’ll end yourself! You need a proper rest, or something bad will happen,” she started mumbling, and Jongdae laughed softly to himself.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Oh. It’s just today. Tomorrow will be better,” he ensured, taking the sleeping infant from the woman’s arms, “how was our little sheep today?” he asked, pulling the soft hood back from the child’s closed eyes.

“Wonderful as always. He’s such a calm baby,” she answered, but there was a small frown on her forehead, “Jongdae, how about I take him for the afternoon as well? And you will go to sleep, rest, gain some strength?”

A shadow of a smile was sent in the woman’s direction, as that was all Jongdae could bring himself to do, “I wouldn’t dare asking of something like this,” he explained, and before the woman got to protest, he continued, “plus, I need to take Nini to the doctor today. We have an appointment with doctor Kim at five.”

“Jongdae,” the woman whispered sadly, placing a hand on the boy’s cheek, and he leant into the touch, not even realizing, “you cannot live like this. This is not a life. You need help, my child.”

Jongdae looked down at the sleeping baby, and smiled a bit, “he needs help,” he whispered, “I will be alright. I will rest when I know he’s fine, well, and happy.”

A shadow fell on the woman’s face, as he eyed the boy, and her heart ached when he saw the way he was looking at the little baby.

“You might act like an angel, Jongdae,” she whispered, moving her hand from his cheek to his shoulder, “but you’re still human. And no matter how much we try, we cannot save the whole world on ourselves.”

“I do not intend to save the whole world,” he whispered, looking at the woman. There were tears in the corners of his eyes, “just his.”

The woman smiled softly, and brought the boy in for a hug, making sure not to wake up the baby between them. No words were exchanged, but there was no need. That simply act was all Jongdae needed.

♦

It’s been a long day for doctor Kim Minseok. He was given additional hours in a clinic, since doctor Kim Taeyeon couldn’t make it to work due to some personal issues. Since early morning Minseok had to deal with overprotective mothers and faked illnesses of their children. After each patient he kept asking himself why had he even decided to become a pediatrician. He loved children, that must have had a massive influence on making such a decision, but he probably should have given it a second thought. It was nearing five, and he had one more patient of doctor Taeyeon to see, and then he could go home. Finally. He passed the reception, took a chart and on his way to his office got through it. There was nothing special there, the child was only a few months old with no records of any serious diseases yet. Throughout the last couple of months the child was brought in every fourth third week.

Minseok looked up when he neared his office, and raised his brow, surprised. Instead of a crazy mother, he saw a young man sitting on one of the chairs in now empty waiting room, with a small infant on his laps, whispering something to him. He looked down at the chart again, to check who made an appointment. Kim Jongdae.

Minseok cleared his throat, catching the attention of the man a few feet away from him, and smiled his staged smile, “Kim Jongdae?” he asked politely, opening the door to his office. When the boy looked up to nod, the doctor’s eyes widened slightly at the other’s presence. His complexion was pale, dark circles formed underneath his eyes that were slightly bloodshot, and there was only a small shadow of a smile on his lips.

When they were both seated, Minseok smiled upon looking at the baby in the boy’s laps. The infant was dressed in a white, sheep onesie, and Minseok’s heart melted a bit at how cute the boy looked.

“My name is Kim Minseok,” he introduced himself, bowing slightly to the man, “I am here today as a replacement for doctor Kim Taeyeon, as she couldn’t make it to work,” he explained.

The young man in front of him bit his lip nervously, but nodded.

“Kim Jongdae,” he introduced himself back in a low, slightly hoarse whisper, “emmm, please forgive me, I do not mean to sound offensive, but when will doctor Kim be back?”

Minseok smiled slightly, as the man in front of him tightened his grip on the baby, “it is really hard to say. I do understand it might be some kind of an inconvenience, I’ve seen on the chart that doctor Kim was taking care of this little one for quite some time, but I hope I will be able to provide you with just as efficient care as she would.”

Jongdae bit his lower lip again, but nodded nonetheless. Minseok opened the chart, and the child’s profile in the system, and frowned.

“Sir, I am really sorry, but I do not see anything here. What was supposed to be the purpose of today’s visit?” he asked, confused, “that’s weird,” he mumbled, “is the child sick? Or is something going on?”

“No,” Jongdae mumbled, and Minseok looked confused, “he isn’t sick… yet. Doctor Kim knew, it’s a….maybe I will just go back when doctor Kim is back?” the man suggested, “I do not want to burden you, it’s late, you look tired, doctor, I can just come some other day,” Jongdae mumbled.

“Tired?” Minseok thought and almost chuckled, “look who’s talking.”

But instead of voicing his thoughts, he only sighed. Something was off. “Look, sir –“

“Jondgae,” the boy mumbled, and Minseok raised an eyebrow, “there is no need to call me ‘sir’”

The older smiled softly, and started again, “Look, Jongdae, I am sorry for the inconvenience, but it’s really hard to say when Teayeon will be back. She might be absent for the next few weeks, and from what I’ve seen in the chart you’ve been coming here every three weeks. I might not be the brightest, but I do know that such a conscientiousness, especially when it comes to clinic visits is connect to something. I might not be doctor Taeyeon, but I can promise you I will do my best to do whatever needs to be down,” he finished, and sighed when the man in front of his still looked doubtfull, “let’s make a deal,” he suggested, “I will do my best, and if you are not satisfied with me, well, you can just always ask for some other doctor, or even wait for Taeyeon to come back. How about this?”

Jongdae’s shoulders relaxed, and he nodded, “I am really sorry,” he whispered, “it is not that I do not trust you as a doctor –“

“You just trust Taeyeon more?” Minseok finished, smiling at him kindly, “it’s fine. I understood, she is not only more experienced, but was also taking care of the two of you for quite some time. I get it.”

After hearing this, Jongdae’s features relaxed, and he seemed completely fine. He nodded, and gave Minseok a shadow of a smile.

“So, Jongdae, what is this little sheep doing here today?” he asked, a sincere smile blossoming on his lips, and the child in front of him smiled widely at him, and laughed.

“Before he was born, he had already been place in a high risk group for a potential health issues. Doctor Taeyeon was supervising the pregnancy, and as you could figure started taking care of him later. He was born two months earlier than expected, which didn’t help with the predictions. I’ve been seeing doctor Kim regularly to make sure…” he explained, and then his voice drifted away.

Minseok was listening carefully, looking at the empty chart, from time to time stealing glances at the boy in front of him. He looked so small, keeping the baby in his arms, his gaze down all the time, focused on the child. There was something interesting about those two, and suddenly Minseok was glad he agreed to spend his day off in the clinic.

“I understand,” he said, when Jongdae was done, “I assume that the lack of any information in the system means nothing has been found?”

“Exactly.”

“Alright. Let me just run a standard checkup, I will take blood samples, check the lungs and reactions from him, and I think that’ll be it for today,” he smiled again, and got up from his seat, “come on, little one, let’s get you checked, huh?” he mumbled to the child, taking him from Jongdae. The child laughed, placing his little hands on the doctor’s cheeks, squishing them, to which both adults chuckled.

Jongdae observed the way the new doctor was treating his little sheep, and a few wrinkles adorned his eyes, as a small smile appeared on his tired face. He found it fascinating, how much the child laughed, and how willing Nini was to play with the older man. It hardly ever happened with doctor Taeyeon, even though she had a good hand with children.

Fifteen or twenty minutes later, the infant was back in his arms and they were heading out.

"I will send the samples to have them tested in a few moment," Minseok started, closing the door to his office, "if everything goes smoothly I should have the results in the next couple of days," he explained, smiling brightly. Jongdae nodded, signalizing he was listening and understood everything. "If anything, I will let you know," the doctor informed, "if not, I guess we might see in three weeks?"

Jongdae raised his eyebrow, surprised, "I do not wish to pry, but what exactly happened to doctor Kim?"

Minseok looked taken aback, before he realised his mistakes. So he decided to laugh it off, and apologize, "oh, nothing, really. I guess I should have said you'll see doctor Taeyeon. I just really liked this little one," he mumbled, and smiled his widest smile, showing off his white teeth and gums, and ruffled the child's hair, "I will give doctor Kim the results as soon as she gets back."

Jongdae hummed, and nodded, thanking the new doctor for his time, and turned around to walk away.

"Jongdae!" he heard the doctor's voice behind him, so he turned back, "let your girlfriend take care of your little boy tonight, and take some sleep, alright? You look exhausted! You should rest! Take it from the doctor!"

At first Jongdae was stunned, but then he put his fake smile on, bowed deeply, and assuring Minseok he would do just so, disappeared behind the door to the clinic.

Little did Kim Minseok know.

♦

Hello everyone ~

How did you enjoy it? I know it was supposed to be a one-shot, but I realized it'd have to be like 2790 pages long to fit everything in one go, so I decided to split it into a few parts, so that you can have a piece of the story now, instead of waiting until next Christmas :) I hope you'll be fine with it :)

Please, comment and tell me what you think of it ! I'm really curious to hear what you've got to say :)

With love,

badblood

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Comments

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Cheheroe #1 Apr 11, 2020 06:50:39

Bump into this story, and wow.... It is beautiful.
Thank you, i hope you are happy and healthy <3

anemellie #2 Apr 29, 2019 22:51:03

Chapter 12: Even though I'm sad that Jongin was taken away from Jongdae, I know it was necessary. I hope that Jongdae will let Minseok in. Thank you for the update, I hope you're better!

Alexiu9921 #3 Jul 15, 2018 16:50:50

Chapter 11: Take care and I totally understand your resons! You shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. I also use writing as a way of expressing my emotions and thoughts it makes it harder writing but all more powerful to read. :)♥️

abbieyen16 #4 Mar 18, 2018 13:47:42

Chapter 11: Thats is totally understandable :) I completely understand where ur coming from. When i was first coming out I would put my feelings and stress into the characters of my fanfictions and it always helped me. And now after so many years I dont need to do that anymore :) U are an incredible writing and person and it was so brave of u to share your story with us. We're a community here and we have ur back always :) much love dear author •3- ❤️

anemellie #5 Mar 18, 2018 10:44:32

Chapter 11: Whatever you decide to do author-nim, we support you!

Yaone_L #6 Mar 17, 2018 14:19:24

Chapter 11: It's okay to be afraid of your own demons even if it was something in the past and you have live thru it. You dont have to re-open the pandora box unless you believe going thru the suffering again will make a better future than the happy life you have now. Either way, thanks for sharing your reason with us.

JinjinMarshmallow #7 Mar 17, 2018 08:39:02

Chapter 11: Don't worry I think you should do what's best for you and I actually think this decision is the best
I'm glad you feel at peace and hope it'll go on for a long time, you got my support!! Still thank you for this story and telling your readers about your decision ♡

dojorockergirl #8 Mar 17, 2018 07:26:49

Chapter 11: People change, stories change, characters change. Tell your story how you want. You will always receive endless support.