Not all angels have wings: Spring

♦

It’s been three months since they came and took Jongin away from him. Three months of empty loneliness and alienation. Three months of darkness and deafening silence surrounding him anywhere he went. Anywhere, except for his head. Voices inside his head accompanied him every second of the day and night, never leaving him alone, never giving him a moment to catch a breath.

“Look at yourself,” the voice whispered, as Jongdae was looking in a mirror in his bathroom. He looked as terrible as he felt. His eyes and cheeks were hallowed, dark circles formed in the indents of his face, creating a starling contrast to his ash complexion. Skin on his neck looked pulled, and where it was covering his collarbones it looked almost paper thin, as if the white bones were to break through it any second. His t-shirt seemed three sizes too big, hanging on the boy as it would hang on a hanger.

Jongdae looked the reflection into eyes. Bleak, empty and lifeless. This is who he became. A walking shadow of a man.

“You’ve become what you’ve always been—a shadow,” the voice ranged. Jongdae’s head started hurting. Every whisper inside his mind resonated through his whole body, and it was nothing short from having a baseball bat hit against your skull. “You’re nobody, Jongdae. You have nobody, nothing, only me. Look at yourself. Look at those beautiful eyes, look at your beautiful bones, look at this beautiful ash complexion. You’re such a beautiful bleakness, Jongdae. Such a beautiful nothingness.”

A tear rolled down his face. He did not reply to the voice anymore, he did not plea for silence. With each passing monologue he had in his head, he grew used to the fact that the voice will always be there. And he knew there was no way he could live with them. All he had left was to fall into blissful nothingness.

As he walked out of the bathroom, he stood dead in his tracks as his eyes fell on the empty crib in the middle of the room, blue blanket still hanging loose from it, spearing across the floor, teddy bears and toys lying around in a chaotic order, piling up in a mess. Everything remained as it had been three months ago, when they came and took Jongin away from him.

“And they took him, because you weren’t good enough,” he heard a voice, “you could’ve done so much better. Why didn’t you care enough? There were so many signs… and you disregarded them all… the baby could’ve died, you knew about it, and yet, you failed to save him. Maybe that’s what you truly deserved—to be left alone, to be on your own, to be in the constant state of regret… maybe that’s what you truly deserve. The child almost died in here, crying himself to sleep, begging for help, begging for saving, so poor and innocent, all on its own… you know how it feels, don’t you? When it’s only you in the world, without a living soul around you, without a living soul to lean against. Without anyone to embrace you, to consolidate you, to lift you up when you fall. You know exactly what this void feels like—the heaviness in your chest, the overwhelming feeling of being crushed to the earth by an invisible force you cannot face.”

Jongdae shivered and his eyes watered. His shoulders and chest felt heavy and he found it hard to breathe.

“You know the feeling of being left on the mercy of the world more than anybody else… and yet, you let little Jongin taste the same. That was your only job, you fool, to be there for him, to keep him safe, in a tight embrace, when the world became too cruel. You were only supposed to be there for him, and yet you left him alone, in that crib, to cry, to shout, to yell, to beg, to scream and choke and suffer…”

Jongdae chocked, leaning against the wall. He still couldn’t get his eyes off of the crib. A scream kissed his lips, but never got passed them… it stayed inside, turning into a ripping force inside his lungs. His head hurt so badly; he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Maybe this is where your life ends, Jongdae,” the voice whispered, “maybe this is your time for a break.”

But Jongdae didn’t want in to be. He promised everyone to be strong, to maintain, to survive. He once had it all, and although now there was less than nothing awaiting him, he wanted to believe it would get better.

“Wouldn’t it have gottn better, tho?” the voice asked, “wouldn’t it have gotten better by now, Jongdae? It’s been months, and you have done nothing but fail—”

“What else could I have done?” he whispered into the surrounding him silence, and for the first time the voice went quiet. Surprised, Jongdae walked slowly towards his bed, and fished a bottle of pills from underneath his pillow.

When he woke up the next morning, the clouds were once again covering the sky. He blinked a few times, and only rolled to the other side, away from the ugly weather. It had been like that for a month now. Nothing but rain, all days and nights. Jongdae wondered whether there was anything he needed to do that day, and sadly, but not surprisingly, he realized there was nothing. He had no reason to get out of bed. He still didn’t work, he didn’t have Jongin to take care of… he had no purpose anymore.

He felt a sulking feeling in his stomach, which he recognized as hunger, but even that didn’t make him get out. He looked up at the bottle of water on the nightstand, but upon realizing he would have to move to get it, he gave up. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to go about another meaningless day. Therefore, he fell back to sleep for another hour, until a door bell woke up him again.

As he slowly made his way down the corridor, wrapping himself in his oversized white t-shirt, his face remained emotionless. As he opened the door slightly, he was met with a smiling face of his neighbor. The woman’s smile fell, however, as her eyes landed on the disappearing silhouette of the young man. “Jongdae!” she exclaimed, but quickly collected herself, and her face was adorned by another smile, this time, however, a sad one. Jongdae really wanted to say something, smile back, or at least greet the old lady. She has always been so nice and warm towards him. And yet, he couldn’t find it in himself. He was too exhausted to move as much as his finger, not to mention smile.

“I got you some food, Jongdae,” the woman mentioned, rising up a bag of groceries, “there’s not much, I don’t really know what you like or dislike these days, but I haven’t see you go out in days, so I thought you might use some nutrition… it’s just a few fruits and vegetables and eggs… a coups of necessities…”

Jongdae’s eyes watered, but as he took a sharp breath in, he kept tears from falling. “Thank you,” he whispered, his voice weak and horse. “You didn’t have to… I wouldn’t wanna bother…”

“You’re not bothering, Jongdae,” she replied quickly, placing her warm hand on Jongdae’s cheek, “you are never a bother, darling,” she smiled brightly, and the boy only nodded.

As he closed the door, he looked inside the bag and felt a heavy feeling inside his chest. He banged his head against the wooden door and bit his lower lip. He couldn’t understand why anyone would go to such lengths for him. He didn’t want Mrs. Oh to have to take care of him. She was an elder lady and if anything, as a good neighbor, he should be the one getting her groceries, not the other way around. He should be taking care of her, no other way around. He’s a healthy, young man— “Am I?” he wondered for the first time in a long time, “am I really healthy…?” he let himself wonder, something he had never done before.

Placing the bag on the table, Jongdae went to make himself coffee. He didn’t necessarily enjoy the taste, but maybe the bitterness of the dark drink was what his mind needed. A good waking up.

A few hours later, he heard the doorbell again. Leaving his half empty, now cold coffee on the kitchen table, Jongdae walked to open the door. To his surprise, there was Minseok standing on the other side. “What are you doing here?” he asked, tilting his head a little, his voice coming out harsh.

“May I come in?” the doctor asked, and the boy stepped aside. As the elder man entered, he quickly turned to look at the younger. “How are do feeling, Dae?” he whispered, raising his hand to touch the other’s arm, but the boy moved away. Minseok sighed, lowering his gaze. “Are you still mad?”

“What are you doing here, Minseok?” the boy repeated, this time softer.

“Mrs. Oh called me…” the doctor explained, and Jongdae’s chest fell. “I’ve been worried, you know—” he started, reaching out to grab Jongdae’s hand, but the boy moved again, this time walking into the kitchen.

“You were here last week,” Jongdae mumbled, embracing his cold cup, as if looking for comfort, “why would you worry?”

“I always worry about you, Dae…” his voice came as a soft whisper, and as Jondgae’s eyes darted up, he saw the doctor sitting next to him. “You look terrible, Jongdae, have you eaten?”

“Don’t make me talk to you, Minseok,” Jongdae pleaded, “please, just leave me alone.”

“You’ve been alone for too long, Jongdae… I know—” Minseok sighed, his face painted with pain, “I know you still haven’t forgiven me, but I only did what was best for Jongin and for you… you both would’ve died—”

“You didn’t have to take him away from me!” Jongdae yelled at the top of his lungs in a sudden, unexpected outburst, and the immediate pain he felt in his chest and head painted on his face. A tear fell down his cheek, “I am so tired, Minseok, I cannot do it anymore—please, just leave… leave, before I forgive you for what you’ve done,” Jongdae mumbled, but the elder only brought him in closer, hugging him tightly.

“I only want you to understand why we did that… why I did that,” he whispered softly into Jongdae’s hair, rocking him back and forth in his embrace, “I did it for both of you, Jongdae… you were in no state to take care of a child, you had to take care of yourself—you have to take care of yourself… you’ve been falling, and you haven’t caught any of the ropes we threw at you… why aren’t you allowing us to help you? Why aren’t you allowing me to help you, Dae?”

“I don’t want to be a burden,” the boy mumbled, “these are my problems, and I should figure it out on my own… I should do it by myself…—” he cried out, trying to pull away from Minseok, but the latter only kept him in tighter.

“But you are not on your own, Jongdae. You don’t have to do it all by yourself—you have so many people willing to help you, you have me here to help you!”

“But it won’t let me,” Jongdae whispered quietly, almost as if he was afraid it might hear him. Minseok looked down at the boy’s tired face and wet eyes, his eyebrows furrowed.

“What?” he whispered back.

Jongdae pulled back, looking Minseok in the eyes. He tried to figure whether the man would think he’s crazy. Isn’t he? Isn’t Jongdae crazy? And was it even something worth mentioning? Was it something worth telling the other? Minseok already had so many of his own problems, why would he—

“Why would you think mentioning me would be of any help? I am not the problem, Jongdae, I am not the fool—” the voice whispered at the back of him mind.

Seeing the younger’s inner fight, Minseok reach out to grab his hands in his and he squeezed them tightly, smiling softly, “you can tell me, Jongdae. You can tell me anything,” he whispered, and the boy bit his lower lip.

“The voice inside my head,” he whispered, and a shiver ran down his spine.

“What does it say?” to Jongdae’s surprise Minseok asked a simple question, with a concern look on his face. He wasn’t asking whether or not Jongdae had gone mad.

“A lot of things,” he replied, “terrible things…”

“Is he talking to you right now?” the elder asked, slowly caressing Jongdae’s cheek. The boy shook his head. “Good,” Minseok smiled, and for a second Jongdae felt as if he was being held by an angel.

Was he dying?

“Have you eaten, Jongdae?” Minseok asked once again. When the younger shook his head again, the doctor only sighed, but smiled nonetheless, “how about I make us something to eat, then, hmm? And maybe we could go for a walk after that, what do you think?” he suggested, and his eyes shone above his soft smile.

Jongdae’s shoulders dropped, exhaustion and anxiety taking over him, “I’m… I don’t wanna go anywhere, Min… the weather’s terrible again…” he mumbled, pleading the elder with his eyes to not make him move. But Minseok was stubborn.

“It’s actually quite warm, Jongdae… the spring’s here, have you realized?”

The younger blinked, “oh,” he gasped, “is it really?”

Minseok nodded his head, standing up to prepare food, “would you go out with me at least for only five minutes? Fresh air would do you good, believe me. Nothing else, just five minutes.”

Jongdae kept his eyes steady on the blinds ahead of him. He got up slowly, and as the elder kept on quietly talking about something in the background, Jongdae moved to the window and lifted the blinds up, letting the daylight in. “Spring,” he whispered to himself, looking at the world outside. He looked at the jade grass covering the park below, the spots of white daisies growing up around trees covered in a faint layer of small leaves and flowers. He looked at the people walking through the park, little kids running around in their oversized warm clothes. He looked at the cherry blossoms, and a small smile painted his lips, as the rays of sun shone at his face, and he felt a great weight being lifted from him shoulders. “Spring’s always been my favorite season.”

“We should go do some shopping, Dae, you have nothing to eat,” Minseok said, a relieved smile on his face, as he looked at the younger standing by the window. He placed two bowls of oatmeal with fruits on the table and mentioned towards the other to join him.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you are all doing well and are taking care of yourselves. Here's to a beautiful song, another spring and new beginnings.