[Trigger warning! Mentions of depression]

Please, take notice that some of the events in this chapter take aprt at the same time

Not all angels have wings: a cry for help

♦

Jongdae woke up at 6 am, as if the hour engraved itself in his system, and memories of the previous night started filling his mind. He sighed, but then groaned in pain, as all of his muscles screamed and begged him for more sleep.

Despite his body’s protests, he got up, and after a long coughing attack, with banging in his head and glassy eyes, he stood up and quietly went to take a shower.

Upon passing the blue cradle and not seeing the child inside, Jongdae felt two conflicting with each other emotions – emptiness and happiness. And he didn’t know which one was worse.

Shower Jongdae spent mostly sitting against the wall, letting the hot water wash over him, too weak to properly stand. Twenty minutes later, he collected himself, and quickly putting on his work attire, he grabbed all the papers and documents he needed and proceeded to leave.

But then, passing the living room, he spotted Minseok sleeping calmly on the sofa, with Jongin kept tightly in his embrace. They were lying in the same position, on their left sides, with Minseok’s hand on the child’s stomach, and Nini’s small fingers on Minseok’s. Both of their lips were slightly parted, and their chests were moving in almost synchronized rhythm.

Jongdae smiled softly at them, and his heart banged against his chest. He pulled the blanket up, covering both of them, and pushed a few bangs off of Minseok’s eyes.

He found himself taking a few moments to just stare at the older. He looked so pure, so calm, and so peaceful lying there, sleeping. So undamaged by life.

And then he pulled back, quickly grabbing the piles of papers again, and quietly exiting the apartment. The whole way to work Jongdae wondered how would he ever be able to pay Minseok back for what he had done.

♦

What woke Minseok up was a doorbell. He frowned, hoping it was only in his dreams, but then the bell rang again and again. Not wanting to wake the still sleeping baby and Jongdae up, Minseok quickly shot up, and wiggling himself out from the couch, he jogged to the door to open.

Upon opening, he was met with a surprised looking old lady. He raised his eyebrow at her, and asked, “Good morning. May I help?”

“Good morning,” she smiled, “I came to take care of Nini. As always. Jongdae didn’t mention?”

Minseok rubbed his eyes, and covering his mouth, yawned, “oh,” he mumbled, letting the woman in, “Jongdae is sick, he didn’t actually speak much yesterday. And he’s still sleeping now,” he explained.

“Oh? Really?” the woman asked surprised, “how did you do it?”

“Did what?” Minseok asked confused, going to the kitchen to make coffee.

“Kept him in bed. This boy is so stubborn, I swear. He never listens to me; I am actually surprised he didn’t get sick earlier.”

“He was half dead yesterday, with a fever like his he won’t be up for the next couple of hours,” Minseok explained.

“Excuse my curiosity, but who are you exactly?”

“Oh!” Minseok exclaimed, “I apologize. My name is Kim Minseok, I am a doctor, I take care of Jongin,” he explained, bowing to the woman.

“A doctor?” she raised an eyebrow, “aren’t you too young, my child?”

Minseok laughed, and poured hot water into two cups, not answering.

“Thank you,” the woman spoke again, “for taking care of Jongdae as well.”

“There is no need to be thanking me. I am only doing my job,” he smiled at her.

“Maybe. But still. You somehow stayed over for the night. If you were only doing your job, you wouldn’t be here now.”

Minseok didn’t answer, thinking of what the woman said, and what Baekhyun started suggesting the day before.

Was there really something more to this whole situation, he wondered, staring into his cup. It was black, black like the gone night, like Jongdae’s gaze. He had been meeting with the younger for weeks and weeks now, however, any conversations during the meetings were mostly concerning Jongin and his health. There was little other talk done between the two.

But still. But there still was something that made Minseok look forward to all those small meetings. There was something, a weird force, pulling Minseok towards the younger, a sense of curiosity that didn’t let him fall asleep at night, making him figure out the mystery that was Kim Jongdae. There was a part of Minseok that longed to get closer to the boy, to make him open up, to read him; an electric pulling coming somewhere from his chest, from his heart, ordering Minseok to care.

Minseok never cared. He had his mind set, and he never allowed anyone or anything change it. He couldn’t care if he wanted to make it to the top. He was responsible for both, broken hearts and limbs, but it never mattered.

Never, until now.

Now, at twenty-six, having everything he always wished for, Minseok felt empty.

Was his heart really made of ice?

Was the ice really melting now?

Minseok was confused, and he didn’t know what to do, or how to feel. The realization came too suddenly, too unexpected.

“Where is Jongin?” the woman asked, looking around.

Minseok shook his head, stopping his thoughts and deciding to think it through later, and focused on the woman in front of him. “He’s still asleep, in the living room. I didn’t want to keep him in the same room as Jongdae, for, well, obvious reasons,” he mumbled.

“I would like to check on Jongdae, if you don’t mind,” she smiled, standing up.

“Oh, of course not. Actually, if you’re going there,” he said, standing up and going back to the cooking area to pour water into a glass, “could you leave it for him? When he wakes up he might feel thirsty, and it is important for him to stay hydrated.”

The woman smiled brightly, taking the glass, “of course, doctor.”

Minseok drank the rest of his coffee in one go, burning his tongue slightly, and grimacing at himself, he walked towards Jongin. To his surprise, the boy wasn’t sleeping, only calmly lying on his back, playing with his feet.

“Hey little one, what –“

“Minseok!” the woman rushed into the room, panic evident on her face, “where is Jongdae?!”

“What do you mean, ma’am?” he asked, frowning.

“He’s not in bed. He’s not in the bathroom. The bed is made and cold, he must have left long time ago,” she was panicking.

Minseok’s eyes widened, and passing the baby to the woman, he ran into the other room, to check himself.

The room was empty; the bed was made.

Jongdae was nowhere there.

♦

The clock nine when Jongdae’s head hit his desk at work. He quickly shot up, straightening his back in his chair, but there was loud and painful banging in his skull, his eyes hurt from keeping them up and open, and from all the light around, it was too bright; his lungs felt as if on fire. His legs and arms were numb, and Jongdae felt as if there were massive stones attached to his limbs, pulling him down.

He was tired.

There was sweat forming on his forehead, and he quickly figured the fever must have come back.

He was about to give into the exhaustion, when a shadow covered him, and when he looked up, there was his boss standing above him. He quickly stood up, and the whole world spinned.

“Sir,” he mumbled, bowing to the man, and he had to grab his desk not to fall.

“Jongdae,” the man spoke, looking him up and down, “my office, now.”

The boy’s eyes widened, and great fear took over him, as he was slowly following his boss, fighting for every breath.

“Sit down, you look like you’re about to faint,” the man said, closing the door behind both of them the moment they reached the room.

“Thank you,” the boy mumbled, sliding down the chair.

“Jongdae,” the man started, “what are you doing here?”

It took Jongdae a moment to focus enough to understand what the man was saying, “excuse me?” he mumbled, “I came to work.”

“You are seriously sick, boy.”

“It’s nothing,” he tried to brush it off.

“You came an hour earlier than you were supposed to. Why?”

“I had some work to make up to since I wasn’t here yesterday. I didn’t want to slack. The sooner I deal with it the sooner the papers will be sent.”

“Someone else could’ve done it, Jongdae. You are not the only one working here.”

“Others have their issues and things to take care of. I didn’t want to add more work to anyone’s already busy schedule,” he explained slowly.

The boss sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Jongdae, I have so much respect and admiration for you. We all have,” he started, “but you are not gonna be any good to anyone here, or back at home,” he gave the boy a look that said everything, “if you end up in a hospital. I know your situation,” he added softly, “and I understand everything. But you are almost like a son to me, and you are part of our family here. And I cannot look at you fading into shadows.”

Jongdae was breathing heavily, and his hands were trembling.

“People have been asking me whether you’re dying, Jongdae,” the man said, and Jongdae took a sudden intake of breath, surprised, “they have been asking whether you’re not severely ill. Some have asked whether you’re not suffering from anorexia, even.”

“That’s just stupid,” he mumbled.

“But this is how you act, this is how you look like, Jongdae. You looked bad enough when you started working here, but now we are all seriously concerned. You do look as if you’ve been dying, Jongdae. You’re fading into shadows.”

“Maybe I am,” a voice whispered in his mind, and a shiver ran down his spine.

“But –“

“No buts, Jongdae,” the man interrupted him, “I will not let you destroy yourself. That is why I am sending you on an obligatory leave.”

“Are you firing me?” Jongdae whispered, terrified by the thought.

“Of course not. You are a great worker, Jongdae. But you are to take a rest, pull your life back together, take care of Jongin and yourself.”

“How long?”

“A month for now, then we’ll see,” the man spoke, nodding.

“A month?!” Jongdae exclaimed, or at least he wanted to, but his lungs did not allow him.

“Do not worry. You will be getting your check.”

Jongdae shook his head, “why are you doing this?”

“I don’t understand the question,” the man frowned.

“Such things just don’t happen. Not in life,” Jongdae kept on shaking his head, “not to me,” he whispered, “this is not fair. Not fair towards everyone else working here. I cannot be on a leave for a month and be still getting my salary. What is this?!”

The man chuckled, “your work ethic and moral spine are quite impressive.”

Jongdae looked at him helplessly.

“I am doing it, Jongdae,” he started explaining, “because good things do happen in life. And they do happen to good people,” he smiled brightly, and Jongdae lowered his head, feeling his eyes water.

His head felt heavy and so did his lungs. His muscles were on fire, and he felt defeated.

He got up, ready to leave, but when he reached the door, a voice stopped him once more, “Jongdae!” the man said, sounding suddenly uncertain, “I am sorry, I know this is not my place to say things like that, but you as I said you are almost like a son to me,” he said, and Jongdae looked at him confused, “please, take care of your depression. Untreated, may cause great problems. Believe me.”

♦

The whole way back home, Jongdae felt as if he was not really there, not really in his body, he felt as if he was somewhere else, somewhere out, floating in space, in nothingness.

‘Depression?’ he wondered, ‘I am not depressed. I cannot have a depression. Depression means not wanting to get out of bed, doesn’t it?’ he questions. ‘I am not depressed. I am not –“

‘You see,’ he heard a voice in his head, and a shiver ran down his spice.

“No,” he gasped.

‘You see, you are acting so pathetic people started confusing your weaknesses for depression,’ the voice continued, ‘now, there is nothing good left of you.’

“Stop,” Jongdae mumbled, grabbing his head and pulling at his hair, “stop it.”

‘Depression. The only depressing thing here is you and your behavior.’

“Please,” Jongdae prayed, “please, go away. Go away, go away.”

And it stopped. The voice went quiet, as a voice in a subway announced they have reached Jongdae’s station. Pulling himself up, Jongdae left on shaky legs, and started looking for an elevator. He was not in shape to take stairs, and he was afraid he might actually fall down the escalators as well.

The day was cold, heavy wind was blowing, and rain started raining. Jongdae hated fall. Everything was dying.

Upon taking a step down the stairs outside the station, the world started spinning around Jongdae. Quickly grabbing the closest thing next to him, he started breathing fast, afraid of fainting.

“Calm down,” he kept repeating, trying to calm his breathing. When a few moments later he felt ready to walk again, he wrapped a scarf tightly around his throat and started praying for a quick way back home.

♦

“Maybe he went to work?” Minseok suddenly suggested, looking at his phone lying in front of him, waiting for Jongdae to call him back.

96 calls.

That’s how many times Minseok had called the younger within the last two hours.

“Car keys are lying here,” the woman pointed, standing beside the window, with the baby in her arms, “where are you, child?” he whispered, looking outside.

“Do you know any way to contact his work place?” the doctor asked, standing up.

“Unfortunately,” she sighed, “but I do have an address!” she suddenly exclaimed.

“It’s better than nothing. Can you please give it to me? I will go there, and check. It’s better than doing nothing.”

“Of course, of course. Can you please take Jongin, I will look for it,” she said, passing the baby to Minseok, who took the boy in his arms.

“Nini,” he whispered, “where is your hyung?”

“Here,” the woman exclaimed, and passed Minseok a small business card.

“Alright,” he nodded, “I will check it out. If he gets back home at any time, please, let me know.”

“Of course, child, of course. Please, be careful. The weather is getting terrible,” she whispered.

“I will,” Minseok nodded, and quickly putting on his shoes and jacket, he grabbed his car keys. However, upon opening the door, a loud gasp escaped his lips, as his eyes landed on a shaking form of Jongdae standing on the other side with keys in his trembling hand. “Jongdae!” he exclaimed, quickly grabbing the younger, as he started swaying.

“He’s back?!” the woman quickly jogged from the kitchen, and also gasped upon seeing half-conscious form of Jongdae.

“He’s burning,” Minseok mumbled, checking the younger’s forehead, “we need to put him in a cold bath.”

“There’s only a shower. Let’s put him there,” the woman mumbled, and after putting Jongin into a cradle, she quickly disappeared in the bathroom.

“What have you done, Jongdae,” Minseok murmured, adjusting the younger in his grip.

“I failed,” came a quiet reply, and Minseok frowned, but didn’t question it, focusing on getting the boy to the bathroom.

“It’s okay,” he said to the worried lady standing in next to the shower, “I will take care of him, don’t worry.”

“Oh, oh, oh,” the lady murmured, “I will – I will… I’ll stay with Jongin,” she said, walking out, “please,” she added in the door, “help him,” she whispered.

“I will. I promise,” Minseok sent her a sincere smile, and the door closed. “Okay,” he mumbled towards Jongdae, “let’s get rid of this fever, first. Jongdae,” he spoke louder, “can you walk inside?”

Jongdae swallowed, and nodding his head, grabbed the wall, but instantly fell forward. Minseok tightened his grip around his waist, and sighed, “I guess not,” he whispered, and walked under the shower first, slowly pulling Jongdae after him.

The water was ice cold, and painful coldness pierced Minseok to the bone. He bit on his bottom lip, flipping his hair back from his eyes.

“Come on,” he whispered to Jongdae, who’s eyes were glassy and cloudy, “let’s sit down,” he mumbled and as if on cue Jongdae slit down and started falling towards the ground. Minseok caught him, and sitting next to the younger, he pulled him towards himself, letting the other’s head rest against his shoulder.

For Minseok, sitting under the cold water felt like forever. After a short time, he started shivering, his teeth started chattering, and his lips turned purple. He felt like his fingers and hands freez. However, his right side, the one against which Jongdae was leaning, was burning.

“Jongdae,” he whispered, grabbing the younger’s hand, “Jongdae, do you hear me?”

“Yeah,” came a quiet and weak response, as if even talking was exhausting for the boy.

“Don’t fall asleep until we leave, okay?” he whispered, again, tightening his grip on Jongdae’s hand.

Instead of answering, the boy only mumbled something Minseok didn’t understand.

They sat like that for long minutes, their clothes soaked, hair wet, water running down their faces and arms.

After what felt like forever to Minseok, he heard Jongdae let out a sigh.

“Jongdae?”

“It’s cold,” the younger mumbled, “and wet.”

“We’re sitting under a shower,” the older explained.

“Why?” he asked, and his eyes started falling down again.

“You had a very high fever. You were outside. When you came back, you were half conscious. Where have you been, Jongdae? Why did you leave?” Minseok asked, feeling anger growing in him. But he knew that it was better to keep it to himself. Fighting was the last thing Jongdae needed. That any of them needed.

“Work,” the younger whispered, “I had things to do.”

“You have forty degrees’ fever yesterday evening, Jongdae!” Minseok whined, “do you have any idea what could’ve happened, if you had fainted on the street? Or if you had spent only a few more hours outside? Jongdae, you could’ve died!”

“I am sorry,” he mumbled, “I only wanted to finish my work. I didn’t want to let anyone down,” he explained quietly.

“Jongdae, you need to let others take care of things as well –“

“But there are no others, hyung,” Jongdae said, “there is only me…”

“You have more people willing to help you, Jongdae, than you think. You just need to let them in.”

“I don’t want to be a burden. I can, Minseok, I can take care of everything myself. I swear, I can. I promise you, I can manage,” he kept repeating, over and over, in a quiet voice, like a broken record, “I can do it. I am not a failure.”

Minseok frowned, and looked at Jongdae, doubting whether the younger was still talking to him. He bit his bottom lip, concerned.

“I am not,” small whispered were coming out of Jongdae’s lips, sounding like a broke stereo.

“Of course you’re not, Jongdae,” he said, “don’t say that. No one says you’re a failure. You’re far from it!”

Jongdae went quiet for a moment, his gaze focused on one spot – their linked hands.

“No,” he whispered, “he’s right. I am a failure.”

Minseok frowned again, “who’s he?”

But Jongdae didn’t answer and his gaze clouded, as if suddenly a fog covered his eyes.

“Jongdae!” Minseok shook him slightly, “Jongdae, talk to me!”

“I am so –,“ the boy started mumbling, but his voice came out rough and he started coughing.

“Shhh, don’t, don’t,” Minseok whispered, drawing small circles on Jongdae’s back, trying to calm the younger down, “maybe it’d be better for you not to speak. Come on, I’ll get you to bed. You need to sleep.”

Jongdae only nodded, not feeling like answering.

He let himself being dragged up and out of the shower. His legs felt like jelly, and even if he wanted, he just wasn’t able to walk. He didn’t want to sleep, he was afraid of going to sleep, but his eyes felt so heavy.

The last thing Jongdae remembered was ground slipping from under his feet.

♦

‘And what have you done, stupid,’ a voice rang in the darkness, ‘not only did you lose your job, but also became a burden to everyone. Pathetic. Would your father be proud of you? Seeing a weakling like you, instead of a grown man? He would be disappointed. Everyone would be disappointed. Your father, your mother, your sister. She gave you her child, and all you do it let her down every day. I told you, you should have given it up for adoption. Give it away, get rid of it. Without the child, there are no problems. Who knows, maybe it would be actually better for him? He would have a loving family, a mother, a father, grandparents. Maybe even brothers and sisters. But now? Like this? It’s stuck with you, without anyone else. And being with you is like being alone. And you know how it feels, don’t you? Your mother is dead, because you didn’t have time to take her to the hospital in time to diagnose the cancer soon enough; your sister is dead, because you didn’t make it in time to the hospital. You are always lacking, Jongdae. You are always late. But your clock is the clock of death to everyone. How long is it gonna be, before you will not make it on time to the hospital with Jongin? Or what if one day you will not check his fever in time, and his brain explodes, blood in his veins will boil and the child dies. Again,” a lough rang in the darkness, “there is nothing you can give this child, but the child is like a parasite. It is draining you, taking away your energy, your passion, it has already taken everything from you. Your scholarship, your internship, your future. You have taken lives of your loved ones, and the child is taking yours. Karma truly is a . And it all simply because running out of time. And look at you now. What are you doing. You are wasting your time. Yours and everybody elses’. Mrs. Oh needs to take care of that child, because Minseok needs to take care of you, because you cannot take care of yourself!” a voice screamed in the darkness, “pathetic, indeed. Weak. Weak. That is all you are, Jongdae. You are weak and you are a failure. You are a disappointment. Maybe it’s better that your mother is dead and your father is giving out his last breaths. Maybe it’s good that your father cannot even remember your face. He cannot remember how you failed everyone who trusted in you. You see, even your father cannot remember your face. His own son. Look how insignificant you’ve become. You’ve become nothing, Jongdae. You are nothing but a burden and unwanted memory to everyone around you. You don’t deserve to have someone by your side. You will ruin them just like you ruined your mother, your sister, you father, and yourself. This is it, Jongdae,” a voice whispered in the darkness,” this is what you are good at. Destroying everything.”

♦

Minseok caught Jongdae’s falling body in the last moment. The boy lost consciousness quite unexpectedly, and the doctor almost fell to the ground with him. He quickly put Jongdae’s lifeless body on bed, and after making sure the boy was able to breathe freely, he slightly patted his cheek.

“Jongdae!” he hummed, “Jongdae!” he tried again, doing his best to wake the younger up. After a few moments the boy seemed to have gained conscious again, but only for a brief moment, before his eyes fell shut again. Minseok bit his lower lip, looking at the younger concerned, and it wasn’t until a drop from his wet hair landed on Jongdae’s cheek that he realized they were, after all, wet. He quickly went to Jongdae’s closet, and fished out some warm clothes for the boy and himself as well. He grabbed a towel from a shelf when he finished and started drying and changing Jongdae.

At one point, when Minseok was drying the younger’s hair with the towel, trying to be as gentle as possible, Jongdae mumbled something, and a weight was lifted from the doctor’s shoulders, as he was sure that Jongdae was only asleep, not unconscious.

When he was done, he made sure Jongdae was wrapped in blankets, that the fever dropped and the boy didn’t have problems breathing. Upon checking it all, he let out a sigh and quietly exited the room.

“How is he?” the woman asked the moment Minseok entered the living room.

“Not well, but he will be, the fever went down a little and he’s sleeping now,” Minseok sent her a small smile and reached for his phone that was lying on the table.

“Oh my!” the woman exclaimed, “child, you need to change! You’ll be sick! Wait here, I think I have some clothes in my apartment, after my grandchild, the boy is tall like a noodle, and equally thin, but I should have something fitting!”

“Please,” Minseok smiled again, placing a hand over the woman’s, “there is no need, really. I will call my friend to bring me something to change.”

“Are you sure? There may be no need to bother your friend.”

“I am sure. Please, excuse me, but I really dislike wearing other people’s clothes. It’s nothing personal, just a little, hmm, habit of mine,” he explained softly, smiling like an angel, “plus, I need my friend here, anyway, I need to discuss something with him, so there will certainly be no bothering.”

“Alright, child, if you say so,” she smiled, and came back to playing with the child.

Minseok quickly dialed Baekhyun’s number and waited for the younger to pick up.

“Hello,” he heard his friend’s cheerful voice on the other end of the line, and was almost one hundred percent sure the other was preparing pancakes for breakfast. Like every Tuesday.

“Baekhyun, I need to ask you a favor,” he got straight to business, “you need to bring me a set of clothes to Jongdae’s apartment, as well as your psychological .”

“Wow, wow, wow, slow down!” the younger exclaimed, “first things first, why exactly do I need to bring you the clothes?” Baekhyun asked, and Minseok rolled his eyes at the teasing tone in his voice.

“I will tell you everything when you come here, please hurry up. And I mean it, Baekhyun, it’s serious, hurry up!”

“But pancakes~,” the boy whined.

“I will shove them down your throat if you won’t be here within fifteen minutes,” he threatened.

“Okay, okay, calm down. But give me half an hour, I still need to go to your place to pick your clothes. Any special wishes?”

“Something warm, I’m freezing.”

♦

Half an hour later Baekhyun stood in front of Minseok, waiting for explanation, looking his wet friend up and down.

“I’m listening,” the younger said, sitting down in the kitchen.

The apartment was quiet, silence disturbed only by Jongin’s small laughs and wimpers.

“He left today morning,” Minseok started, changing from his wet clothest, “do you understand? He had a fever, he is sick for god’s sake, and he left for work!” he spat, feeling irritation gathering in him, “he didn’t even wake me up. I stayed over with Jongin, he had to see me, we were in the living room. He just left. I – I mean we were going crazy. 96 missed calls, Baekhyun. 96!”

“Hyung, calm down, please,” Baekhyun tried to calm the older down, but he knew Minseok can get angry quite easily. The older took a deep breath in, and sat in front of the psychologist.

“When he came back, he was half conscious and only half alive, Baek,” Minseok whispered, and Baekhyun tightened a grip on his mug, “he looked terrible. The moment I opened the door he literally fell through them. His fever was so high I had to put him under a cold shower. But he couldn’t even sit there on his own, hence why I was wet,” he explained, pointing at his wet clothes.

Baekhyun sat quietly, looking into his mug of dark coffee.

“Yesterday,” Minseok spoke again, “when we were talking about him, I mentioned you might be the one to help him, remember?”

Baekhyun nodded.

“When we were sitting under the shower, he was…,” the older bit on his bottom lip, not sure how to articulate his thoughts, “he was as if talking to someone… or himself, rather. He had this moment of a broken record. And then he said something like “he is right.” But he wasn’t speaking to me.”

“Who is the he?”

“I have no idea. There are chances that it was caused by fever, but taking into consideration his mental condition… I don’t think I am the right doctor here to help him. I can treat his body, but not his mind.”

“I know what you are asking for,” Baekhyun nodded, “but as I mentioned earlier, we cannot make him take up the treatment, he nee –“

“Baekhyun,” the other interrupted him, “just try. Just talk to him. Please.”

The younger looked at his friend for a few moments. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words left his lips.

The calmness in the apartment was interrupted by a terribly loud, agonizing yell coming from Jongdae’s room.

The sound was deafening; freezing blood in veins. Jongin started crying, and no one knew what was going on.

And the yell didn’t stop. It was piercing, hurting ears, head, and heart. It was numbing.

Pain, agony, as if Jongdae was skinned alive.

After the first wave of shock washed over them and away, Minseok jumped out of his seat and ran towards the room, Baekhyun quickly following suit.

“Jongdae!” he exclaimed, upon opening the door.

To both of their surprise, Jongdae was still asleep.

He was tossing and turning, screaming his lungs out, his hands wrapped around his head, as if he was in pain, but he seemed to still be sleeping.

“What is going on?!” Baekhyun asked, panicked.

“I don’t know! We need to wake him up! He might be in pain!”

“He is in pain, hyung!” Baekhyun exclaimed, trying to be louder than the terrifying screams leaving Jongdae’s lips. “But what kind of pain?” he mumbled to himself, observing the suffering boy.

Agony, pain, suffering.

Minseok quickly neared the bed, and sitting on the edge, he started shaking the younger, “Jongdae,” he spoke softly, “Jongdae, wake up!” Minseok kept on shaking him, more forcefully each time, but the boy was only slipping through his hands. “Baekhyun, he’s not waking up!” Minseok yelled panicked.

“Minseok, for god’s sake!” Baekhyun yelled back, “calm down, you’re a doctor!”

Minseok felt dizzy, but he took a quick breath and did the only thing that came to his mind.

The doctor raised his hand and slapped Jongdae across the face.

The younger jerked awake, and Baekhyun groned and sighed, “this is not what I meant,” he mumbled.

“Jongdae are you alright?” Minseok asked the boy, ignoring his friend.

But Jongdae didn’t answer. He cuddled into himself, pulling away from Minseok, and looked around confused. Like a cat caught in the lights on a dark road. As if he was looking for something, or someone.

♦

“Jongdae, can you hear me? Please, calm down,” the boy heard Minseok’s words, but he didn’t understand the meaning.

He was panting, his lungs were burning, and he was fighting for every breath, but he couldn’t stop. He felt like he was chocking, as if there was not enough air around him.

He was frantically looking around, for anything. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but he knew he was looking for something.

‘Me,’ a voice in his head laughed, and Jongdae whined, grabbing his head and curling into a ball.

He felt a pair of arms on his shoulders, and some sounds floating around him, but he couldn’t hear or understand anything apart from the voice inside his head.

‘There is no one else for you, but me,’ the voice said, ‘I am the only thing you have left. And I will stay with you forever –'

“Please,” Jongdae cried out weakly, and suddenly the voice stopped, and it was quiet, just like calm before the storm.

“Jongdae,” he heard a soft whisper, “Jongdae, please, talk to me.”

He felt someone his hair, and warmth spread around him, as he was being hugged.

“Jongdae,” the same whisper came, “Jongdae, are you there?”

‘Forever,’ rang in his mind, and he gasped.

“Jongdae, wake up.”

He recognized Minseok’s voice. Jongdae blinked a few times, trying to calm his breath. His chest hurt.

“What happened?” the older asked.

Jongdae raised his head slightly, as it felt too heavy to lift it properly, and looked around the room. It was dark, he heard rain hit the window, there was someone standing at the bottom of the bed, a figure Jongdae didn’t know, and there was Minseok sitting just next to him, holding him tightly.

Jongdae’s head spinned, and he felt his temple hit the older’s shoulder.

“We should take him to hospital,” he heard an unfamiliar voice.

“No,” he whispered, and his voice came out harsh from the screaming, “no hospitals. I’m fine.”

“You are far from fine, Jongdae,” Minseok pointed.

“Can we just stay like this for a moment? I’ll be up in three. Just give me a moment, please,” he mumbled, his eyes looking somewhere on the covers between his and Minseok’s legs, but not focused on anything in particular.

“Sure,” Minseok replied softly, and Jongdae gave out a sigh, “Jongdae, can you tell me why you were screaming? Did you have a nightmare?”

“No, not a nightmare,” he slowly shook his head.

“Does anything hurt you?” an unfamiliar voice asked again, and Jongdae only nodded his head.

“What, Jongdae?”

Instead of speaking, the boy raised his hand and pointed at his head, right at the temples.

“Your head?” the voice asked again, and Jongdae nodded.

“Do you want painkillers?” Minseok asked, and Jongdae wished he could laugh. But he was too exhausted.

“There are no painkillers for this kind of pain, hyung,” Jongdae mumbled.

‘Shut up,’ he suddenly heard an angry voice in his head, ‘your bubbly mouth are giving away too much. No one cares about your supposed misery. You deserve it. Don’t bother others with it!’ it was screaming, and Jongdae whined, as his breathing quickened.

“Jongdae?”

‘You are fine; you just act like you’re not. You’re such an attention seeker! ATTENTION SEEKER!’ it laughed mockingly, ‘you could as well put a massive neon light above your head saying ‘I broke my nail, hug me, love me, take care of me.’

“No,” Jongdae mumbled, shaking his head.

“Jongdae, what is going on!”

‘Attention skeeker, attention seeker, attention seeker!’

“Take it away, take it away, TAKE IT AWAY!” Jongdae screamed, pulling at his hair, and trying to hide himself in Minseok.

“What, Jongdae, take what away?!” Minseok questioned, trying to pull the youngers hands away from his body, afraid he might harm himself, “tell me how and I will help you, you just need to tell me how!”

‘He won’t help you, no one will help you,’ the voice laughed, ‘I am you, Jongdae.’

“The voice,” Jongdae cried out, “the voice in my head. Make it stop, please.”

Minseok looked up at Baekhyun, as he heard his friend take a deep and sudden breath in.

♦

Hello ~

This chapter turned out quite darker than I expected, making the story enter new path. I thought I would bending it after V parts, but taking into consideration what happened here, I am planning on developing it in a proper way. Most of the plot in this chapter is actually a material I had for a different story, so it is highly possible that some motives (depression) will occure in my other fic as well (if I ever decide to write it/post it). From this point forwards, the motif of depression will accompany this story, so please, keep it in mind.

It has been a long time, and I don't know if this is what you expected from this story, but I hope that it was a turn to better than worse.

Thank you, everyone who stayed here for this story ~

P.S on another note: have you heard She's Dreaming? <3 ommmm...