L.Joe's POV

I woke the next morning with a throbbing headache and an awful metallic taste in my mouth.

“Nnn…” groaning into the covers I keep my eyes closed and roll onto my opposite side, as the warmth and dimmed brightness of the day hums through me like a siren.

God, why was it so bright in here??

Reaching up I rub a rough fist across my eyes- trying to simultaneously rub out all of the grit from the previous nights’ sleep whilst somehow blocking out the death rays of light from the room.

Blinking tiredly, I start to focus in on something very large right beside me and I would have jolted in shock if it weren’t for the strange heaviness in my limbs right now-

Forcing my head up, blonde bangs dip across my eyebrows and irritate my face as I take in the form of Chunji sitting atop my bed.

“Oh- hey man…” he says causally, looking up from his phone as he slouches with his legs half outstretched and half bent at the head of my bed, pillows propped up just behind his back.

“Mmm…..” mumbling incoherently, I drop back down and close my eyes again;

Jeez, I just wanted to go back to sleep already-

“Dude, it’s like 11:00. You should probably get up soon-“ the brunet speaks above me, as I snuggle back into the warmth of my bedcovers and try to bury my ears to block out some of the noise.

11:00??

Christ, how much did I drink last night??

That goddam awful taste still swirled around in my mouth, resting thickly on my tongue and seeping down my throat every time I had to swallow; despite the fact I felt parched like I hadn’t had a drink in days.

Groaning to myself I haul myself upright onto my arms, my head dipping low into the pillow as I push my torso up from the mattress;

I would seriously need to at least have a shower and do my teeth or something- because this is just gross.

“How’re you feeling?” the other asks, humour ringing in his voice as he takes in my clearly hungover appearance.

“Like I was hit by a bus…” I moan lowly, my throat sticking a little as I blearily turn myself around so that I’m also in a seated positon, legs twisted up under the blankets before me.

Laughing, my friend glances back up from his phone, giving my face a thorough look over- “And you look like it too.”

“Thanks…” I say dejectedly and catching that soft ringing lull of his voice as he chuckles in return.

But wait…

Hang on- why’s Chunji here on my bed anyway?

Frowning I tilt my eyes back towards him, noting his resuming of his game once more before my gaze slides carefully over his body-

Ah, he’s already dressed…

I gather quickly and casting my head dizzyingly back towards his mattress on the floor- its pile of twisted up sheets and p.js laying messily atop.

So, at least I know he didn’t sleep next to me then- I realise with a sigh of what could almost be relief.

I mean, I would LOVE for him to sleep next to me- heck it’d happened in the past, like when we’d been a little younger and really knocked out of it. But that was before I started to like him, and hence I never got to really appreciate-

My head throbs particularly harsh once more and dropping my face into my hands I struggle to piece together what exactly happened the following evening… anything to block that godawful train wreck of an issue passing through my head.

It was New Year’s Eve….

We were celebrating with our parents- they were having dinner downstairs. I recall slowly, and trying not to focus on the sickening feeling starting to itch at my gut.

And then I took all that beer…

Looking up I catch site of the cardboard packaging in the corner of the room- only several cans left untouched in its midst and the rest just a mangled pile of torn up carnage.

“Chunji…” I begin quietly, and trying not to speak to loud lest my head suddenly combust. “How much did I drink last night-?”

“Bout 6 beers,” he replies at once, not even stopping to count as he taps away at the screen.

A slither of shock ripples into my bloodstream and I blink in momentarily disbelief, as I look back down to the mess of blankets strewn over my lower torso.

Dam… I was really dedicated last night, huh?

And that’s when the memories hit me like a brick-

The feelings, thoughts and denials of all these last few weeks slams into me- rendering me almost speechless; the way I can’t seem to stop looking at every guy that walks past me, the way Chanhee’s eyes look when he’s really tired or laughing at something I’ve just said-

Realising that I’ve started to somehow like the boy without even wanting to, and yet not being able to help it or stop it all at the same time-

I was trying to forget about all this but I never seemed quite able- despite all of my efforts-

And just like last night all those drunken nights before swim rapidly back to the surface of my burning mind;

The whiskeys and vodka, stolen bourbons and beers form my parents and friends alike-

Eyeing off relatives forgotten wines and bottles of spirits as they joined us for family dinners and parties-

And , it just wasn’t working-!!

Clenching my eyes tight, I curl in on myself and my knees draw up to hide my face as the tight churning of my stomach intensifies with the need to just forget.

Chunji would never speak to me again if he knew-

Just forget it…

Grounding my fists against my eyes I almost wish I could just fall back asleep now or maybe even start up drinking round number 2- when my ridiculous, mindless stumbling and laughing of the previous evening rolls before my eyes-

“Hey man, are you ok…?” Chunji’s voice drifts distantly, slight concern twinging into the air between us as my thoughts race dangerously around my skull.

God, how can I act so pathetic in front of him-??

Talk about not being able to hold your liqu-

And at once a horror so intense it feels like a jolt of electricity shooting through my spine sears into my body and into my chest as I whip my head up to meet Chanhee’s eyes.

I told him I was gay-

I in told him I LIKED him!

I feel like all the air has been choked out of me- a creepingly tight sensation is suddenly working its way into my ribcage and constricting my airways- constricting all other thought- as my mouth runs dryer still and my gut rolls in anxiety.

And all at once, the boy’s eyes alight in recognition as his own brown orbs take in my sheer panic and a brief glimpse of embarrassment ghosts his features, making him look away;

“Oh, …” I half cry, half moan, sheer frustration pulsing through me as an undeniable wave of fear and humiliation sweeps a heat up my neck. Shoving the covers away I ignore the teen’s sudden exclamation behind me and instead my feet out onto the floor, hauling myself upright as the feeling of nausea rises up the back of my throat-

Cringing, I fight back the urge to simply puke my guts out all over the floor- and stumbling blindly forwards I shove aside the fact that I feel as if the world is spinning way too fast and the room is twisting in and out of shape and rush into the bathroom instead.

“Yah- Byunghun!” Chunji calls again, but there’s no ing way I’m being anywhere near him right now. Slamming the door shut behind me I only just make it near the sink in time when I upchuck all of the frothy brown liquid of last night’s celebration-

And I don’t quite know how many litres in total I drank last night- but after seeing the amount that left me I think I probably should’ve stopped at 3...

Sinking onto the floor, I can’t see past the black throbbing dots spasming across my line of vision, and my legs simply give way to the cold tiled ground beneath me.

“in, -“ I mumble to myself as the foul tasting metallic taste mixes with sour acid in my mouth and the terrifying reality of my admittance makes me want to just curl up and die.

He was never going to be the same with me now-

God, he couldn’t even look at me properly-!

My fingers have somehow tangled into the front of my blonde hair and ripping sharply I hold my knees up before me once more as I try and make myself as small as I currently feel.

I called him hot??

Jesus- how could I’ve said that?!

“Dude…. Can I come in?” The brunette queries at the door, his quiet serious tone echoing through to me, as he gives a short sharp tap of a knock.

God, I want to puke again…

“No-!” I yell back, or almost yell, if it weren’t for the dry parchment of my throat swallowing up my volume, and making me cringe even further as the handle begins to turn anyway.

“, L.joe your so hungover-” The boy cries upon entering and sort of standing back a little as he edges in to stand somewhere just before me.

And AWAY from said brown spew-

But I wasn’t going to look up at him.

No- I’d honestly just prefer it if he left me alone forever and ignored my pathetic little existence.

Flickering my eyes up a bit I catch glimpses of dimmer light near my legs where I hide and I wonder if those dancing spots have finished rushing through my vision altogether or how long it’ll take for me to be able to stand up and walk properly again without feeling dizzy.

“You can just leave-“ I say numbly, my voice almost hoarse now as I try to hold back the intensity of just how negative my mood had suddenly turned.

I wasn’t angry with him- no, not at all.

I just hated myself…

For ever having opened my big fat mouth to begin with-

For ever having developed these ed up feelings…

And I didn’t want him to have to stay any longer- because it was obvious he wouldn’t wanna be here. I mean, after what I’d last night- who’d want to??

It was better for me to just throw him an exit now rather than feel the sting later on when he’d inevitably have enough and start to freak out.

“Ah… do you want me to go?” he asks cautiously, quieter now as he becomes a little uncertain before me.

He didn’t know what to do, god and now he was kneeling in front of me...

Could this morning get any worse-??

Turning my head slightly I stare hard at the ground to my right not so much as looking to his legs as his squats before me, but trying to communicate somehow despite my closed off body language.

Did I want him to go-?

No.

Of course I didn’t…

But should he?

Yes- yes he should. Before I let anything else embarrassing slip and before I could start getting any stupid ideas that he somehow still liked being my friend.

God, I was such an idiot!

“Do you want a coffee or something? It might help you wake up a bit...”

Momentarily surprised all I can do is feel as my muscles began to involuntary loosen in my back and uncurling slightly I look up to finally glance across to his expression.

And despite the slight wobble of vision that follows this mauver the teen is just sitting there looking right back at me-

Just like any other day-

Except for the slight look of sympathy to his face and the knowing look in his goddam perfect eyes…

Pulling away I tighten my grip around my legs and drop my forehead back to my knees with an audible thud.

“Ok…” I say quietly.

It’s as he leaves the room again and I hear him make his way back downstairs to fetch me the drink that I allow myself to move from my spot on the floor. And I only now realise just how disjointed and blind I must have been upon entering the room as I look at the weird angle in which I’m sitting to the sink and how the stains of my vomit have somehow managed to slip down the side of the bench and down the cupboard where I clearly missed-

Jeez, I really had to clean myself up or something-

Standing carefully to my feet I allow for the vision shake as my throbbing head moves and I note that with each small twitch or shake of my neck means a fresh twinge of nausea to my gut-

I’d have to take it slow this morning…

Roughly cleaning up the mess I’d made I work about cleaning my teeth, trying to flush out all the remaining parts of that horrid metallic taste on my tongue before splashing some cold water on my face and relieving myself in the toilet.

Making my way back to the room, I just had time to throw on a fresh shirt before the other teen came back into my bedroom.

Instantly pulling my eyes away from his entry I instead go back to sit on my bed, determined and half terrified to even look him in the eyes properly for more than a few seconds as I contemplate a way out of this situation.

“Here man-“ he says and coming over to hand the cup into my own outstretched limb. “Oh, and I nabbed these aspirins from your medicine cabinet too- you sort of look like you need them.”

This last part was spoken with a bit of a smile on his face, as I focus in on the medicinal sheets laying in my hand and he makes his own way around to plop himself at the foot of the mattress.

“Thanks…” I mutter lowly, popping out two of the white circular tablets and chucking them to the back of my throat with a careful sip of the steaming hot coffee.

It was actually really good….

Blinking a little, I wonder if I would actually be able to stomach much else for the rest of the day or if maybe just coffee would ripen me up quicker- when Chunji suddenly starts talking again.

“Not liking the lights much this morning, I guess?”

Flicking my eyes up quickly and making my head pang, I note the closed blinds and the casual smile still splashed across the other boy’s face.

“I shut them before your coffee, I figured you’d kill me otherwise-“ he says, letting out a small chuckle, but even I could tell it was forced.

He was trying to be causal right now- and heck was making a good job of it too, but it was very clear he would want some sort of explanation soon.

An explanation I was nowhere near wanting to give…

Staring into my mug I remain quiet instead, and desperately try to lose myself in the rippling dark effect of the liquid as my thoughts swirl and twist in confusing and rather nauseating circles.

What was I supposed to say now?

What was I supposed to do-?

“Look, Byunhyun…” the boy voices bravely, and making me shirk a little further inside myself as he shifts on the bed behind me. “I don’t know what you remember about last night… but I don’t care about the stuff you said anyway, so stop freaking out- it doesn’t even matter to me.”

I feel like I’m about to swallow my tongue now and I pull the mug away to sit in my lap instead, not trusting myself to not choke on the liquid if I continued to try and drink.

“I didn’t mean what I said…” I say weakly as I continue to avoid his gaze.

Pathetic…. I know.

But hey- I had to at least try…

Silence.

And then-

“Dude, you were pretty dam wasted- I think we should just leave it at that. I said I’m cool with whatever else, so-“

And there again was that understanding ever so clam voice of his- that voice that made me feel like he couldn’t possibly be telling the truth and yet-

Jesus, I really hoped he was...

“I’ll get it if you’re busy today or whatever...” I try again, and forcing the sudden sting in my eyes away as my heart starts thudding uncomfortably in my chest.

I didn’t want him to leave….

Heck, I wished he was with me all the time these days.

But I had to be reasonable;

“Go home whenever you want- you can always just text or something…”

I tugged a blanker expression onto my face- or what I hoped would pass as such with the dull ache still running through my forehead. I forced a half curve of a smile onto my face.

He chuckled behind me now and god I knew this was coming but it still didn’t make it any easier to hear-

“Stop being so ridiculous man, jesus! We’re friends and you know that my mum would have left by now anyway- I’ll be bored as at home. You really think I’d wanna go somewhere else??”

I halt in momentary surprise- watching as my fingertips trail idly over the coffee- stained rim of the mug.

Wait…

Was he really ok actually with all of this-?

With me being-

Um… yeah, and thinking I was-

Well, developing feelings for him?

Jeez, I still hate saying that word even in my mind- it just sounded so, so strange…

Wrong…

“Are you hungry?” I manage to ask, and this time forcing myself to raise my head and look somewhere over in his general direction.

“Nah, actually I was awake before and your mum gave me food already.” He muses happily.

“Right… that’s good.” I reply mechanically- stiltedly as I wonder when this horrid feeling of awkwardness would leave me alone.

“Ah, Chunji…” I begin a few minutes into our next bout of quietness. “Is it ok if we don’t talk about this anymore? I’m sorry I went and let all that out on you last night and I swear I won’t get so drunk next time, so-“

“Next time?” he queries strangely and making me lose track of what I thought was gonna be a rather good spiel.

Why was he concentrating on that part for? I had so much bigger lies to tell then that-!

“You shouldn’t be drinking anyway L.joe, let alone getting so totally wasted…”

Flinching just a little at his honest tone I turn my head away from him, and look down to my blankets instead.

Oh, how I wish I could just redo this whole night over…

“I mean, you’re drinking because of realising that you’re-“ halting he suddenly clamps a lid on that next word as I close my eyes in utter embarrassment. “Er, I mean- you shouldn’t need to keep burying it now, right-?”

He didn’t think I needed to keep it up now, was what he was saying.

Now that he knew….

And yeah, I understood perfectly what he was trying to get across-

But of course; he was wrong.

I very much needed to drink.

I just wasn’t dealing with this yet- I couldn’t deal with this yet, and so having that added lightness, that method of just pushing all the thoughts away for just a few hours was something I still very much needed.

“I duno...” I say non-committedly, offering another bleak glimpse of my eyes as I resume my dull coffee sipping, pulling my legs up into a cross legged positon on the bed. “Maybe not…”

He seemed to be thinking over my response for a moment as I try to think of a way to get the topic off of me- lest I die of embarrassment for the next several hours to come-

“L.joe, you gotta quit the drinking.”

“What-?” snapping my head over in an action that has nausea swimming around the coffee in my gut and those fascinating black dots reappearing before my eyes I frown at him in confusion.

He couldn’t just tell me what to do-

Why the hell was he being so stingy for-?

“Dude, it’s not right. It’ll only get worse if you kept doing it- there better ways to deal with-“

A sour look graces my features and clearly shuts him up midsentence as I tear my gaze back away.

Better ways to deal with it??

BETTER WAYS???

Like what, huh??

What could possibly make you like something you didn’t want?

What could make you accept a lonely discriminated future in place of a happy HEALTHY home-??

Make you forget about kids and a wife and doing all those normal happy loving things- in place of some other man-???

Chunji may be my best friend, and heck maybe more in my new ed up eyes, but he had no idea what this all meant right now-

Just how hard all this actually was for me...

“Byunghun- I’ll help you,” the boy continues, trying to get my attention out from the pits of despair that was now encompassing my features. “You don’t want to get addicted to this-“

“It’s just too hard, Chanhee.” I manage, my blunt steely voice now inching through my teeth as legitimate worry and vulnerability swirls within my mind.

He was right- I didn’t want to get addicted.

But there was no other way I could fathom dealing with all this right now…

“You can talk with me, man…” he suggests, carefully remaining causal lest I freak out on him once again.

“Would you-?” I rebut, my tone dropping lower than I intend as my true nerves give way and I struggle to hold everything in.

He couldn’t possibly say that he would talk about all this if our positions were swapped- and if he did, I knew he’d be lying.

Chunji pauses… and it’s that instant sound of silence that confirms my answer.

“Exactly. I don’t want this Chunji- I can’t just stop and think about this…and you wouldn’t either.”

And I don’t even care if I’m accusing him right now, because it’s true!

I glimpse in my peripheral, noting the way he drops his eyes to the blankets between us; a worried look on his face as he tries to think of another way, another response that wasn’t so bleak and negative.

“… dude we’ll… we’ll sort something out, ok?” he promises, pitches to me as a question, as he tries to look reassuringly back.

“Mmm, can’t wait-“ I murmur negatively, turning my anger away from him lest I suddenly get the urge to lash out.

I’d never forgive myself if I planted one on him…

And I didn’t need that extra fault to my personality on top of everything else going on either!

“I know- I’ll take you to a gay pub!” He cries suddenly, and making me legitimately jolt in shock as coffee slips messily onto my thigh and down my no burning right hand.

“Ah, -!” I exclaim, quickly standing upright once more to ditch the cup on my working desk instead as I struggle to not fall over in the process.

“A g-ga… what th Chanhee??” I yell, unable to even get those two words out of my mouth right now as my hands brush busily over my pants and I feel that horrid awkward heat flush back over my chest and collarbones.

“Oh… that’s not a good idea then-?” the teen queries sullenly, dropping those big innocently confused eyes to my sheets once more as he continues to think it through. “But, if you just went out for one night- you’d see how normal it all is and then you could-“

“I could what-? Huh, Chanhee??” I demand, falling rather heavily against the opposite rooms wall now as I long to just keep my distance.

What a bloody morning….

“You could meet someone,” he concedes, earnest albeit awkward eyes staring back at me now as I swallow down rising bile.

“And by someone you’d mean some horribly lonely -? Am I right?” I cut harshly, painting that very same future in my head right now as I curl my pants into a tight fist by my side.

“L.joe- Jesus Christ dude, you don’t need to say it like th-” the teen exclaims, eyes wide with shock as I snort in dark amusement.

“And then what exactly am I meant to do with this when I’m with them, huh-? Go off and have DATES-?” laughing, I notice the flash of sadness in my best friend’s face and know he’s disappointed in me…in my poor attitude right now…

I know…

But I’m disappointed in myself more- and I can’t make him happy about this when all I want is to curl up and-

“Or even better- them and get aids or herpes or something??”

“Yah, Byunghyun you’re being ridiculous!” the lad yells, angrily shaking his head at me as I let out a frustrated gust of air

God, I didn’t want to end up ing some dude…

I mean, I sort of wanted to but-

Urghhh, for S sake!!!

“Aids?? Seriously? Dude it’s called using a in ! You know these diseases aren’t as prevalent as they once were in the 80’s! Come on-“ Chunji cuts into me with a sharp wave of his hand, disbelief written all of over his expression at just how on Earth I could be so darn judgemental. So old fashioned…

But the truth is… I’m just scared.

“I don’t want this…”

And I don’t even realise I’ve muttered the words allowed until the brunettes eyes soften before me and I feel myself swallowing harshly against the odd burning sensation in my chest.

“I know you don’t…. , dude but you don’t need to act like it’s something horrible! Like you’re gonna get some sort of illness and god knows what else- times have changed man.”

And his words are so hard to here right now because its exactly what I didn’t want to face…

I didn’t want people trying to coax me into this… I didn’t want him to act like it was ok- because if he said it was ok like this, then it meant he felt it was all a sure thing.

Like he KNEW that I was in fact gay...

That this future was exactly what was going to happen, what I could ‘look forward’ to seeing…

“Look…” he concedes in a lower tone, as I stare dejectedly at the carpeted floor stained with last nights’ beer as my head begins to thump once more-

Those aspirin just weren’t cutting it today-

“How bout we just go for a drink together and you can see what you think? And if you feel any different once you’re there and it’s not for you then we can leave. Ok-? God, you seem so attached to the booze these days anyway, surely this can entice you a bit-?”

Frowning I tug my gaze over to him as I feel the sting of that last comment, though not as sharply as the pain in my head on said movement which only proves the twits point….

I guess 6 was a bit excessive-?