160511

Dear Jimin,

Why did I let you convince me this was a good idea? You know I love nature and meeting new people and everything, but I don’t even like exercise. Unless you count that one playground I always take you to. So the next three weeks are either going to be awesome or I’ll have to be carted back to Daegu in an ambulance from walking so much.

I guess this is what I deserve for soul-searching at 3 A.M. on those blogs for middle-aged moms. It could help me, though. I really think there’s something else out there for me. Maybe backpacking the entire south coast of the country is the way to find out what it is. They handed out the schedule when I arrived this morning. We’re headed to Gwangju first. And we don’t get cell phones for the whole month.

I hope you’re having fun, though. You don’t really have time to visit anymore, you hotshot dancer. But since you’re keeping my place warm this month, maybe you can cozy up to Yoongi a bit (That’s right, Jimin, I saw you checking him out. I don’t mind—sure, he’s a hot neighbor, but he’s not my type of hot neighbor).

I’ll send you another letter tomorrow. Don’t let these go to waste—the farther we get from Daegu the more money I have to spend at the post office. Seriously, the things I do for you.

Love,

Tae

160512

My Dearest Jimin,

I’m writing this on the subway we’re using to get out of the city. We’re not going to be backpacking the entire time (I don’t think anyone would want to walk all the way from Daegu to Gwangju), which is nice. But my bag’s kind of big for the subway. It’s probably because I packed a bunch of plush animals. I couldn’t leave them at home, or they’d get lonely.

These two guys I’m sitting by seem really cool. One of them I met this morning at breakfast, named Namjoon. He knows English and taught me some curse words. I’ll pass them on to you when I come back. Once we got on the train, we met this other guy from the group, Jin. He’s nice and should probably ditch the whole backpacking thing to be a model. After he and Namjoon got the ball rolling, though, it was over for me. Now they’re talking about a bunch of deep and heavy stuff (Namjoon seems to know more about existentialism than Jin) and I feel like a third wheel. At least I have you in spirit.

I know you can’t exactly send me letters back, what with me moving around all the time, but that’s fine. I’ll just imagine you’re living it up, emptying my fridge, relaxing, and creeping on Yoongi.

Apparently when we get off the subway that’s when the real adventure starts. I’m excited. We’re not going anywhere busy; it’ll be a quieter part of Gwangju, I think. Oh, that reminds me! We’re supposed to end up in Busan next week. I’ll get you a souvenir. One of the guys here, Jungkook, is from Busan, too, and he’s super happy to go back.

In less than an hour, I’ll be getting off this train and will be on my way to Gwangju. We’re not staying for long, not even a day, but I’ve never been before. My end-game is to buy something that won’t weigh down my bag too much.

XOXO,

Tae

160513

Sweet Jimin,

Gwangju’s not how I expected. It’s more… poor. And there’s not much to do. Also, my legs are tired and we’ve only been walking for like two hours. The food’s good, though. We’re on a little sight-seeing break right now so I’ve been hanging with Jin and Namjoon, and Jin seems very critical of food. But boy, does he eat a lot. He went on and on about the little details of flavor in this one sauce and I like Jin, but kind of wanted him to shut up. But Namjoon was like, “Tell me more about this sauce” so I just had to tune it out. I want to move on. I don’t even know where we’re going next, but I don’t think I would come to Gwangju on my own time.

Maybe this is what I need. You don’t get it, Jimin. I want to find something big. Bigger than myself. This trip thing, it’s supposed to change people’s lives. And if all those blogs said to step out of my comfort zone, then why not change my life here in Gwangju? (I’m just kidding, this place is not for me.) When I’m supposed to meet up with the group at 1:30, then maybe we can move on to the next place.

Bye-bye!

Tae

P.S. I did buy something—it’s a small stuffed elephant, like the one on my arm (you know the one, Jimin!) I named him ‘’. It’s a word Namjoon taught me.

160513

Jimin, my darling,

I know we agreed that I’d only send you one letter a day, but that was before I screwed everything up. This is an emergency letter. We did not move on to the next place. Okay, that’s a lie—everyone else moved on to the next place except for me, because I got freaking lost.

I’ll back up a little. So I was chilling with Jin and Namjoon and we ran into Jungkook who apparently saw all these cute and friendly dogs earlier. Of course I had to be there for that. But when we got to the place Jin was like, “Oh man I’m hungry even though I just ate enough for a small village” and Namjoon was all, “Don’t worry, babe, I got you” so they ran off together to find food. At that point I’m alone, right? Just me and some dogs. And I got so distracted with the dogs that it was 1:00 and I had no idea where anyone was. Namjoon and Jin didn’t even come find me again and I have no way to contact anyone from the group.

Jimin, what am I supposed to do? I have no idea what to do. The guy said this wouldn’t happen. The guy who runs this whole thing, he said there was no way anyone could get lost unless they were really stupid. I know I’m not the brightest star in the sky, but I didn’t think I was this dim. Namjoon, he’s a human GPS and had no problem leading us all around a city he’d never been to. I didn’t even think to pay attention to landmarks or anything.

It’s a quarter to 3 right now. My group is probably marching to Mokpo or something. I don’t know where I’m going to stay tonight. And you know I’m the kind of guy who just goes with the flow, right? Well I can’t do that this time. I’ll send you and update in the morning.

Missing you,

Tae

160514

My little Jimin,

Something in this world has got to feel really sorry for me, or else nothing would have worked out okay. So I was minding my own business, trying not to freak out too obviously, and I hear this guy behind me say, “It’s that time of year again?” I had no idea what he meant but then he pointed to my backpack and this neon bandana thing we had to tie to it as a sort of identification.  Apparently he knew about the whole backpacking trip.

His name’s Hoseok. He lives with his aunt on the same property as a small motel that he helps out at (really, what are the chances) and once I explained every crappy thing that happened today he seemed genuinely sad for me. That’s how I ended up sitting pretty in a motel room at an extremely reduced cost.

And Hoseok is an absolute knight in shining armor. He’s not an angel or anything (actually, isn’t everyone an angel without wings? Like how we’re all half-centaur or half-mermaid?) but more like that character in dramas that shows up to save the day whenever something bad happens. So far he’s secured my room, offered his cell phone whenever I need it, and said he’d show me how to get breakfast tomorrow. He also laughs at my jokes, unlike someone I know (I’m funny, Jimin, I am!) Really, my main goal right now is going home. It’s disappointing that I wasted almost 100000 won on this backpacking trip just to have it ruined by myself.

But don’t worry about me, Jimin! I’m an adult, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll try to be back in Daegu within a few days. You just keep having fun!

Sincerely,

Tae

160516

Most cherished Jimin,

I wonder what the backpackers are doing now. I still have my schedule, so they should be somewhere in Mokpo—I guess I’m not that bad a geography after all. Meanwhile, I just got back from breakfast. It tasted good to me, but if Jin were here he’d probably complain.

Hoseok wants to leave Gwangju but doesn’t understand why I left Daegu. I told him it was because there’s nothing for me in Daegu. I grew up there, went to school there, got my first girlfriend there, had my first job there—the only thing left is to live the rest of my life in Daegu, but there has to be more than what I already know.

Hoseok said he’s the opposite from me. He said he has everything in Gwangju, but I don’t know how true that is. From what I can tell, he’s poor, he’s single, he’s a college drop-out, and the property he lives on isn’t in the best shape. But he told me that’s everything to him, that’s all he knows. And he wants something else. So I guess we aren’t that different after all. But even though he has ‘everything’, he said he wouldn’t have much to leave behind. He’s a really happy guy. You would like him, I think. But I can’t tell if he’s actually happy, or if it’s pretend. I’ve never been good at reading people like that.

I think I’ll leave here tomorrow. I have enough money for a train ticket back to Daegu. See you soon, Jiminie!

Fondly,

Tae

160517

Precious Jimin,

I didn’t leave. Would I be home now if I left today? I don’t know. Are these letters even reaching you? I don’t know that, either (if they are, don’t let Yoongi read them. I don’t want him thinking we’re in a relationship just because I call you ‘precious Jimin’ and say I love you. I say that a lot and I mean it!!)

Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m still here. The bed’s uncomfortable, the air doesn’t feel like my nostrils are being cleaned by it (It doesn’t feel like that in Daegu, either, but still) and I hardly do anything. I should have broken the rules and brought my cell phone. I want to call you, Jimin!

Hoseok is a very y guy. I think he’s way hotter than me and he has the body of a god Sorry, I didn’t write that. I promise! I would have taken my stationery to the bathroom with me if I knew Hoseok would snoop around in it. But can I tell you something, Jimin? This really is me this time, I swear. Seriously, Hoseok is not ugly. Did I mention that before? To me, he’s someone I don’t think I would mind hugging. I don’t know, he just gives off that feeling. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.

I’ve had a few hours to think about it, and I’m pretty sure I know why I didn’t leave this morning. It’s because I want to know what another life feels like. And this, staying in a small motel room with a lot of time to think or read or make little animals out of paper (I’ll send one in this envelope just for you, even if it gets squashed!), this is nice.

Maybe I’ll leave tomorrow.

Forever yours,

Tae

160518

Beautiful Jimin,

Nope, still here.

I want to call my mom again. I miss her, and you too, of course. If you talk to her, say hi for me, okay? Also, did you like the paper animal? It’s supposed to be a frog, even if it’s purple.

Remember when I said I would give Hoseok a hug (for me, it was only yesterday)? Well I did that today and it felt really normal. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged someone and it felt so normal on the first try. And then he gave me a hug a bit later. It was nice. I know I must seem like I’m hanging around Hoseok all the time, but really that’s not true. I only see him twice a day, at lunch and late at night before I go back to my room to sleep. He’s funny. I wish I had as much energy as him at 11 P.M. And I like his style about everything—I was telling him about giraffes and how they fight with their necks and only sleep for thirty minutes a day, and he stopped me just to say, “Taehyung, you’re a really smart guy, you know that?” I didn’t know that. Nobody’s ever told me before.

I want you to imagine something, Jimin. Okay, imagine that I lived my whole life up until now in Gwangju. But I’m still the same Taehyung, right? So even in Gwangju, I always wanted something more in life. Now imagine I join a backpacking troupe who goes to Daegu, where I get lost. So everything’s in reverse. I’ve thought about this a lot, Jimin. Because if I went to Daegu to discover something new, where there was no Hoseok and no you (you’d be in Busan, probably), I would have gone back to Gwangju as soon as I could.

I think this life I want, this exciting life where I can stop searching for more and more and more, I think it exists in a place where I can live each day the same and never be tired or bored. Does a place like that exist, Jimin? I say it does (just not in Gwangju, at least, because I still feel strange here, but it’s out there). Have you found that place yet?

All my heart,

Tae

P.S. Do you like this new stationery I found? It has stars on it. I like that.

160520

Jimin, sweetheart,

It’s been a few days, hasn’t it? I don’t even know if you’re getting these letters, so I decided I don’t have to write every day. How have you been? I’ve been well, just in case you want to know.

You want to hear something interesting? Hoseok, he doesn’t have a lot of stuff in his room. I go there every night (it’s only a short walk from the motel) and we listen to music and play drawing games I probably haven’t played since I was five (he’s even worse at art than I am but has more confidence about it than me), and I didn’t really notice it. It’s because I don’t have any personal stuff in my motel room; it’s just a room. So it only hit me yesterday, in Hoseok’s room, that he actually lives there. He’s slept there every night for years and years. But there aren’t any posters on his boring walls, or bright-colored pillows, or any decorations. There’s just this one little shelf, low under the only window, with cute figures and small trinkets all in a line.

I asked him about the shelf, and he said it has everything that’s special to him on it. He pointed to one figure and said, “This was a gift from…” and pointed to the next and said, “This was given to me by…” All the way down the line, all presents from distant relatives or old teachers or the motel employees. Never from friends or lovers, and never bought himself. He doesn’t have any money to buy himself something special. But he’s so happy, Jimin. He’s happy with everything he gets.

The ladies who work at the motel are super nice. They told me that I don’t even have to pay for my room if I help clean up after breakfast because they’re glad I’m keeping Hoseok company. Everyone here talks like Hoseok’s lonely, but I hope that isn’t true. I even met his aunt once, the one he lives with, and I think she thought I was weird but that’s okay. She gave me a smile like she felt sorry for me, which I don’t really understand. I like Hoseok a lot, Jimin. I hope you can meet him someday. He has this really old cell phone; I already gave him my number so we can talk after I leave.

Don’t forget me,

Tae

160522

Most wonderful Jimin,

I decided today that I wanted to give Hoseok something. I want to be one of the people who can make him happy. But the only thing I had in my backpack was the little elephant I bought last week (has it really been a week??).

So I told him I’d be leaving for Daegu soon and gave him the elephant to thank him for everything he’d done for me. I even put a tiny bow on it. And you know what he did? He started crying. I like that about Hoseok—he’s not afraid to cry. He’s not a pretty crier, but neither am I so it’s okay. Then, just for a second, Jimin, I promise it was so fast, he looked like he wanted to kiss me. I really thought he was going to kiss me. My face got so hot. I don’t know what I was thinking, because the next moment he was laughing and talking about something else. I swear, I’ve been here too long.

Is it weird that I don’t want to leave anymore? It’s comfortable here. I’ve been so genuine lately I don’t think I’ll ever be able to act differently. And this doesn’t feel like a vacation, either, but more like a…change of pace. I really need to leave. I’m low on money and school starts back up in two weeks. I forgot school even existed until right now. If I stay any longer I might not be able to leave ever. Something is different in me, I can feel it.

Jimin, this is my promise to you: I’ll see you in a few days. I’ll tell you all about everything when I come back. And in return, you tell me all about you and Yoongi (I’m really dreaming here, you two were strangers when I left). For now, I’ll start packing.

Yours,

Tae

160523

Prince Jimin,

I spent hours packing today. Some of my shirts smell really bad—everything smells different here. I didn’t even realize how moved-in I was. One day everything is neatly rolled up in my backpack (thank you for helping me pack that, by the way), and the next it’s all spread out on the floor and the bed and the chairs of my motel room, just like in my apartment.

I skipped lunch. It’s not that I wasn’t hungry (right now I’m actually starving), but if I went to the lobby or anywhere but my room, I felt like Hoseok would be there. I wanted to see him, of course, but I was too afraid that I’d never leave if I saw his face again, or that I’d make a mistake and he’d hate me right before I left. It’s stupid, I know, but sometimes I’m a stupid man.

This is the one letter I probably won’t send, Jimin. I’ve put all my letters in the motel mailbox every day, but maybe not this one. Hoseok came to my room tonight. He stood in the doorway for a while, just watching me pack, and I was nervous because I got the feeling he was mad at me for leaving. But then he said, “I don’t want you to go.” and it almost broke my heart, Jimin. Just the way he said it. I was sitting on the floor packing, and he sat down right next to me and put his arms around me. And maybe that time a few days ago, when I though he was going to kiss me, maybe that was me wanting to kiss him and just seeing the reflection in his eyes.

So I did it. That’s another reason why people call me stupid, Jimin, because when I get an idea in my head I just can’t leave it alone. I didn’t even care if Hoseok hated me—I wanted to kiss him, so I did. And what do you know, he didn’t even mind. Hoseok just looked at me and smiled real big for a second and then he kissed me. The whole thing was nice, just sitting on the floor doing whatever we wanted, because the drawing game and music-listening thing was good, but not satisfying or special in a way like this.

Now I’m in trouble. I was afraid this would happen. Every time I meet someone and we exchange numbers and say we’ll talk and then go our separate ways, that’s all it is. I have so many contacts in my phone from people I don’t even know. But Hoseok…I can’t let him go. Just him going back to his room tonight was so much for me. I can’t let him go.

I’ll stay here. Just one more day.

Thinking of you,

Tae

160524

Dear Jimin,

Life really makes me laugh sometimes. It’s so funny. An example: I came here to find something new and interesting, something I’d been missing in my life. And I found it. I really found it. But right now, I’m on the train back to Daegu. Isn’t that funny? That I found what I’ve wanted all my life in a totally new place, just to leave and go back to where I started? Maybe I’m the one making it funny.

This morning, I woke up because Hoseok was knocking on my door very loudly. The look on his face, he smiled like I’d be staying forever. He asked me if I’d miss him, just as a joke. But can you believe that? As if he didn’t think I’d miss him…It made me laugh a bit, honestly. I told him I would remember him every day and annoy him all the time over text and the e-mails he gets through the old lobby computer. He just kept smiling until I couldn’t even look at him. “It’s a good thing I’m ready to go, then.” When he said that, I didn’t think I heard him right. But then he told me he had a packed suitcase in the hall (which, as it turns out, isn’t much) and that he was going to leave with me if I like it or not.

I like it.

From what I understand, Hoseok’s ready to get out of Gwangju now because he’s been feeling that ‘something’ lately, the something he was searching for. I’ve been feeling my something, too, and it didn’t leave even after I said good-bye to Hoseok’s aunt and all the staff, because when I took a look at Hoseok the feeling was still so strong. Maybe it’s just him, like I’ve been searching for him without really knowing and now I can go anywhere with him (it doesn’t even matter where) and this feeling will always be with me. I’m not very good at describing it, Jimin. You might get it someday (or maybe you already do).

Hoseok’s sleeping now with his head on my shoulder. He’s very warm, which I appreciate. This man…I’m so excited and a bit scared to find out things about him that I only know about my family—the sort of things you can’t ask someone or explain if they ask you, but that just exist. Like what his go-to shower song is or whether he snores. He’s super anxious to meet you. That’s right, I told him all about you.

Can you believe it, Jimin? I’ll finally be back in Daegu. And you know I’m making a call to that backpacking agency thing when I get back, maybe to complain but probably just to tell them I’m alive. But I’m not mad (not really) because there were parts of this world I never would have seen otherwise.

At the next station, I’ll mail this to you and get some vending machine food, the station-exclusive kind. It doesn’t feel real, that I’m coming back. And I have someone with me.

Love,

Tae

Yay, finally done! This was kind of a challenge, since I wasn't really sure how to write Taehyung, but I think I pulled it off (?). Please let me know if I made any mistakes, or just what you thought of it in general. I've been a busy bee lately, but I do have two BTS fics in the works, so I'll get those up soon. Maybe. Don't forget to check this out on AO3 as well!