Chapter 6

Eunsook left the shoe store, the door closed slowly behind her; confused Kibum turned to his father and had asked “Who was that?”

The elderly man whispered breathily in amazement “I’m going to see my husband.” A tear rolled down his plump cheek.

But Kibum heard him.. Tilting his head in further confusion, with scrunched up brows he questioned “Your what?”

“I have a confession to make. There are lots of things I never told you. I want to tell you now. That very pretty lady her name is Eunsook, a childhood friend of mine’s daughter. I could tell it was her right away; they look alike. I was in shook when she came in. This was my first time meeting her.”

Kibum nodded.

“You know I’m gay. Mom knows too. But no one else has ever known. Well besides my father.” He took a deep breath. “Here it goes.. The truth is, her father is the reason I never dated after your mother and I divorced. In my heart he is who I was really married to all these years. We both got married and promised to never speak to each other so we could have families. It’s what people did back in the day as you kids say. I wasn’t ever suppose too, we made a pact, but I couldn’t help it; I told her I was a friend of her dad’s and now she invited me to his birthday. Seeing her was too powerful and I wasn’t thinking and emotional and overwhelmed that now I think I made a mistake. What if… what if he is mad at me? It’s going to stir up old things, old feelings, bring up new things and new feelings good or bad. He loved me once… He loved his wife and I know he use to love me too but… but what if that love faded. You know out of sight out of mind… I still love him. Always have, always will and what if he doesn’t anymore Bummie? And to top it all off, I am pretty sure she has no idea he is…”

“Gay?” Kibum finished for him and rubbed his back soothingly.

Over come with emotions he had held in for decades, nodding sadly and wiping tears that had formed he answered meekly with a shaky voice as he breathed “Yeah.” he sniffed in his tears and continued as Kibum rubbed his back and listened to his father’s pain. “I also never dated after our divorce because… My parents were still alive. At that time I thought I would still try to make my parents proud of me. I came out to you and your mom but, even after they died it was just better to stay single.” With watery eyes of his own after hearing his father’s confession Kibum hugged him. Revealing his secret in full finally and the understanding hug from his son made Taemin burst into tears. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or more confused on what to do.

He never dated once his divorce came through; he had been out of the closest during the process, his soon to be ex-wife knew, his son knew. He never denied it since that day but he never dated not just because Jinki was the only one in his heart, but he had become afraid of his parents all over again. How’d they would feel, would he be a disgrace again in their eyes? Would he be letting them down, would he be a disappointment? He had guilt of his own, of what he put his parents through. They had shoved Taemin down and shamed him that it still affected him all this time along with the pact he had made with Jinki. He gave him up to save him from the same shame and guilt not only so Jinki could have children and save his family name. Jinki of course had the same shame and guilt he had though. They both had no choice but to break up when they were younger, for their parents, for their future wives and children. And although in the end it was worth the sacrifice for Jinki and Taemin to become parents themselves, they both felt trapped inside hiding who they really were. A big part of them moved on, or rather it appeared that way so they could live their lives but once Jinki’s wife died only a few years ago and Taemin got his divorce many years back the overwhelming loneliness, and guilt and the emotional stress that came with it was even harder to shake off for both of them.

He was a grown man, a senior citizen even, but due to the mental and emotional damage his parents had done to him, Lee Taemin still felt like he was defying their rules. Disobeying them, disappointing them if he were to go the party on top of his mixed emotions and feelings of how Jinki would react to seeing him after all this time, and what about Eunsook, if she found out he was gay? He couldn’t bear to destroy Jinki’s family. Another round of sobs racked Taemin’s body and with those thoughts in his mind, he weakly chuckled nervously “If my parents were still alive, they’d freak out about this.”

Kibum could feel the heartache in his father’s voice, see the melancholy in his dark brown eyes, he felt bad he never noticed it before his father confessed. It broke his heart to see his father breaking down. How could his grandparents be so cruel? He spoke up softly “It’s ok Appa. They can’t hurt you now.” He rubbed his back caringly then a little moment later he gently pulled out of the hug and helped him dry his eyes. He handed him his bottle water. 

After his father took a sip he continued supportively. “Please do not be nervous of how Grandpa and Grandma would feel about this. Grandpa can it. Or maybe he is looking down from heaven feeling sorry and regretful for breaking you and Jinki up back then.”

“I hope so.” He wiped his nose with his tissue.

“You have to let go of the past, it will be alright as soon as you and Jinki talk at the party. The only one who can truly help you and Jinki are yourselves.”

Taemin felt slightly embarrassed, getting advice from his own child. But Kibum sensed that he felt awkward again so he tenderly hugged him once mroe. “It’s ok dad.” He rubbed his back. His chin on his son’s shoulder Taemin shed a small tear. Kibum pulled out of the hug and held his shoulders and looked him in the eyes. “Don’t cry, it’s going to be alright. I know no matter how old we get we always want our parents to be proud of us and accept us even if they weren’t so nice to us. We’ll never be sure if they are looking down on us proudly from heaven but that’s ok because even if they aren’t, just know that I am. I accept you and I am proud of you, appa.”

 “I love you Kibum.”

Kibum handed him a new tissue. “Dad it’s ok. I’m happy you finally told me why you never really dated after mom left. It will be alright. You told me and mom long ago and well you can help him tell his daughter now if she doesn’t know. Or you’ll just keep the secret. No need to bring that up at the birthday party. It will be fine. One step at a time, appa. It’s going to be alright. You are getting ahead of yourself. I think you’re thinking too much because why would the topic of gay come up? You were 1^st loves, no big deal. Just go have fun and see what you and Jinki talk about. You two can catch up on that stuff either there at the party when you get alone time from the guests or some other day when no people are around now that you guys will be reconnected. The party will not be the last time you see him. Like the saying goes, Time heals old wounds, Dad.”

 “Easy for you to say.” Taemin thought as he  finally took a bite of his egg roll.  Strange how times change.. his parents forbid him to see Jinki and his son is giving him his blessing to. Taemin was so confused. He made Jinki a promise would going break it? Or would it be ok to break the pact after all this time?

“Dad, trust me. Sounds fun, worry about all that other stuff from the past some other day. I want you to go to the party and enjoy yourself.  You need to get out more anyways. I must be boring to hang out with all day.”

Taemin chuckled “No you’re not boring son. I think you’re the only thing that wasn’t a mistake in my life. Maybe you’re right. I’m over reacting right? It’s just a birthday. As far as everyone else knows we are just two old buddies getting together for a party. Nothing more in their eyes. And if Jinki wants to eventually bring up the past privately one day, he can and I will be prepared for it.”

“See, you’re going to do fine. I got your back appa.”

Taemin chuckled softly “Thanks son.”

“Not a prob, dad.” He patted his father’s shoulder “Ok let’s eat. I’m starving.”

Meanwhile as Taemin was eating his lunch with his son talking about if he should go or not, Eunsook made it to the butcher shop as quickly as she could to help out with the lunch crowd. “So did you find him?” Minho said as he sliced a honey ham for a customer.

She threw on an apron and helped him with his order “Oh I found him alright. He is so handsome, like super handsome. A y old guy. Sharp dresser. His son is so hot too.  He laughed so hard when I told him my dad is a grandpa. Taemin is adorable! He kept staring at me all dreamy like. He says I look just like dad. He misses appa so much. He about pased out when he saw me.  He totally still has feelings for my dad. I can see it.”

“Whoa, slow down that is too much info at once. And wait he has a hot son? Eunsook excuse me but uh, I am your man.” He .

She giggled and nudged his arm with her elbow. “Can’t help it Minho, he is hot. And wait till you meet Taemin. You’ll see what I mean. So handsome, he could be a model. I can totally see why dad had the hots for him when they were kids. And of course Taemin would like my dad because my dad has always been good looking.” She smiled proudly; Minho chuckled at her.

“But how did it go. Does he know you know about them?”

“Of course not. I just walked in there and I was just going to look around and see what I could find out about him. I was so nervous I really didn’t know at all what I would say or do. Maybe leave a note for him with the cashier or something. BUT I didn’t’ have to leave a letter for him to call me or anything because Taemin came out and almost fainted at the sight of me. There was another man there, the employee but turns out that is his son. His name is Kibum; his son left and well Taemin told me I looked like Jinki and asked me if I was his child and I said yes. We talked about dad a moment then I invited him to come to dad’s birthday party. He said he’d like to. I think I should call him and get to know him more first.  Or like maybe…” She stopped talking to take another order from a customer and so Minho could ring up the honey ham for the other person. Shortly she began again. “I think they should meet first actually. Because if this goes wrong I don’t want to ruin his birthday.”

“How could it go wrong? As far as they’ll think, you bumped into him accidentally, a coincidence. They don’t know you were a big snoop reading their love letters.”

“Hey, I wasn’t snooping. I was making a photo frame thingie.”

“Yeah but then you snooped in to his personal things knowing darn well they were his private things, his private memories and dragged me into it. “

“Don’t chicken out on me now yeobo. Your just as guilty and we are going through with this especially now that Taemin is looking forward to meeting his tokki after 40 something years. “

“But you know you might have put Taemin in an awkward position with his own son. What if Taemin hasn’t come out to his own child or children? Does he have more kids?”

“I don’t know. And like you said dad and Mr. Lee have no idea that I know. So he doesn’t have to tell his son he was in a serious relationship with my dad. All he has to say is- I’m meeting an old friend. We all play dumb until THEY tell us. Maybe dad won’t ever tell us he is gay. But I have a strong feeling they won’t be able to hide their feelings after all these years. They may not ever date again but they will be friends again. I know it.”

“They may date but could be friends.” Minho repeated as he thought about it. “Yes, you are right. They could meet and your dad could be still hurt after all this time regardless of how he feels about him or the life he has had since then. Think they’ll fight? Is that why you think they should meet before the birthday?”

“I don’t know what will happen. Tears? fighting? hugs? I really don’t know. But Taemin’s face: he lit up. He has to see my dad. Even if this doesn’t work out… If anything it could be closure for them.”

“Don’t worry we are in this together, Sookie. It will work out. In the end dad will be able to stop living a lie. And the two of them can be happy again.” He hugged his wife, rubbing her back. “But this might take time.”

“45 years is long enough” She murmured over his shoulder.

………………

Taemin had decided he would go but… Later that night Taemin couldn’t get to sleep that night. He had a mixture of good dreams and nightmares. Jinki kissing him shyly for the 1^st time years ago when they were young teenagers in love. The dream morphed- they were up in their tree house, hiding, they were hugging tightly; crying their eyes out over Taemin’s soon to be marriage. It was the most realistic dream, the emotions he had felt the night before his wedding day were the same he felt watching his dream play the memory in his mind as if it was happening now, all over again: The fear, depression, the panic, the cold sweats, lost and alone without Jinki. It morphed back to a pleasant memory of Jinki and him feeding bunnies in the forest behind Jinki’s house. Jinki had laughed and his nose wiggled ever so cutely that Taemin tapped the tip of Jinki’s nose and said cutely “BEEP” giving Jinki his very first “nose beep” Jinki laughed again and Taemin smiled and said “You look like one of these cute adorable rabbits when you laugh, Tokki.” Taemin had given him his nickname then and it lasted all these years. The happy dream changed yet again to Jinki driving home from Taemin’s wedding. Jinki was invited and he went… On his drive home though Jinki had been crying too much that with his blurry vision he got in a car accident landing him in the hospital with a broken leg and inevitably meeting his future wife. Taemin visited a lot while he was in recovery and he noticed the nurse was so sweet. The dream fast forwarded to the moment Taemin spoke the words the night before Jinki’s wedding to the nurse “She is very nice.. She’d make a great wife. Remember if you have a girl to name your daughter Eunsook.”  They chuckled weakly both with sad watery eyes then the dream skipped again to right before they made the pact and in that point in the dream Taemin woke up from his sleep escaping the nightmare- he shot up in his bed in a cold sweat, heart pounding hastily….. Fear and doubts filled his head once again about the birthday party…. As much as he wanted to go and see Jinki he thought aloud as he panted heavily and running his fingers through his sweaty bangs “I… I shouldn’t go.”