Entry 71

Dear Journal,

I think I finally know what they mean by “a surreal night”. You wake up in the morning and can’t believe it actually happened until you see the person next to you.

I was on my way home from my third visit to that club. I didn’t dare get too drunk, seeing as we had schedule at ten the next morning, and I was home by two thirty. It was the same; washing up, getting ready for bed, heading towards my room, hoping Channie wasn’t awake...

Then I heard crying.

I was shocked for a moment- I really didn’t expect anyone else to be awake. But it wasn’t coming from the room I shared with Jin Young, Channie and Shin Woo-hyung. So I deduced it must have been Deullie.

I don’t know what came over me, I just felt this stupid urge to go check on him. I was so afraid he’d reject me, but like the idiot I was, I went into his room anyway. I don’t know whose stupid idea it was in the first place to stick him in a room all by himself, but tonight, it just proved better, since I could comfort him without fear of getting confronted by the other members.

Reminder: I am supposed to be forgetting Jung Hwan and moving on with my life. So why did I go into his room to comfort him? I have no idea either.

He was all wrapped up in his blankets, curled in a ball on his mattress, his shoulders shaking from the sobs. I didn’t know what to say, so, like a gormless goldfish or something, I just said his name.

Deullie turned around immediately- he was probably shocked I was awake too. His eyes were teary, he looked devastated. I really couldn’t help but get pissed off right then. I bet it was that from Music Core. Man, if it weren’t for protecting the group, I’d have gone over to her company and slapped the silly.

I was asking Jung Hwan who did this to him, but he wouldn’t tell me. He kept mumbling gibberish, something about “coming home to him” or something. Well that is staying far away from him, and I am making sure of it.

I didn’t know what to say or do then, and when that happens, my heart just takes over my actions. Sappy teenage girl was back.

Before I knew it, I was climbing onto his bunk, sitting down next to him, and holding him. He was crying into my shoulder, his arms around me, blurting out things I couldn’t understand through his sobs. Somehow his words just kept revolving around my name...but that was probably the two margaritas I downed that night, and a year plus’ worth of longing for something like this to happen.

It was like a wish come true, really. Even if it wasn’t for me, Jung Hwan was finally in my arms. It’s like one of those scenes in soap operas you think are never going happen in real life. I just felt so peaceful with him in my arms then. For one night, I was actually able to pretend that Jung Hwan was sleeping beside me as my lover.

Both of us must have fallen asleep sooner or later, because I woke up at seven the next morning in his bed. Hwannie looked so adorable right then I just wanted to kiss him. I wanted to just stay there forever and watch him sleep, but the rest were going to wake up soon and it would be awkward to explain what I was doing in Jung Hwan’s bed. Especially to Channie.

The whole thing feels like a dream to me. I don’t think Hwannie remembered it, and he looked stonier than usual today. Jin Young hyung told both of us off for staring into space when manager-hyung was talking. I guess he was tired from all the crying...

I’m writing it all down now so I can remember it forever. Last night will probably be the closest I’ll ever get to Lee Jung Hwan. But it’s just increasing the empty pain tenfold...he’ll never love someone like me, no matter what I do.

I’m just so sick of it all.

-Baro.

My eyes widened as I reread the passage. I spent three months thinking that night was a dream...

I had watched him leave the dorm for that stupid club that night, and I couldn’t help but just bawl my eyes out silently on my bed. I just wanted him home, here with me, so badly.

Having him suddenly by my side, holding me and comforting me, and lying in his arms until I fell asleep, was my dream come true. I felt so relieved, so happy, I finally felt safe enough to sleep. So it was all real. He’d really come for me at night.

I spent the entire of the next day recreating that scene, trying to play it back over and over again in my mind. It was so beautiful, I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole day, and wishing it had been real. But now I know it was.

Why didn’t he believe that I liked him? What made it so hard to accept the possibility that I was just like him- wanting love I wasn’t getting?

Entry 79

Journal,

Everyone’s been getting more and more jumpy about me lately. Sure, I’m late, I miss practice sometimes. Does the world end? Jin Young’s being a particularly whiny pain in the neck about it.

Heartbreak’s just been rubbing salt in the wound way too much recently, too. Sandeul’s been sticking to me so much all the time, it almost seems like he really does like me...but that’s too much to hope for, right?

I don’t know what’s going on sometimes...it’s just been getting so hard to focus. I’m losing track of life because I spend it thinking so much about him...I don’t think I can ever get over Deullie.

I’m going out again tonight. There’s a new club opening next week, but it’s further away. It’s supposedly the “best club in Seoul”...but I doubt that. I’ve definitely seen better ones in music videos, which is ridiculous, by the way. I’ve been trying to compose raps for our next album, and all I can come up with are angsty bits and pieces here and there about unrequited love...how incredibly pathetic can I get? Jin Young’s not going to be happy, but I don’t give a flying crap anyway. He’s thinking of a stronger concept for our next album, so, sappy weak lyrics, down the drain.

On a completely random note in an attempt to distract myself, I think those rumours about Channie and Leader are becoming true O.o Either that or Channie and Shin Woo hyung. Or Jin Young and Shin Woo hyung…(wha…?). It’s getting hard to tell between fanservice and actual affection.

I spy, with my little golden eye, a beautiful love triangle, journal.

Channie’s directing equal attention to our two eldest hyungs, and if he weren’t so innocent I’d say that this is some tactic or something to make them both go after him.

I don’t think Shin Woo hyung’s very interested, though, because seriously, he could steal Channie right from under Leader’s eyes without even lifting a finger, and I think Jin Young knows this pretty well. It’s making him all snappy, and a y leader is the last thing I need right now.

-Baro

I flipped through the next few pages hastily, until I realised that I had come to a blank. Turning back slowly, I began to peruse his latest entry. This must have been the one he had been writing tonight.

Entry 85:

Journal,

Life’s just been getting worse. It’s a mess. It’s Saturday now, and Jin Young’s probably going to be a about the meetings again. Like I’m going to tell them what’s wrong.

I feel I can only connect with Channie nowadays, and he barely has time for me while juggling our two eldest hyungs. This means Sandeul’s been spending a whole lot more time with me, which is driving me insane. I really want to just try getting along as friends, but I get so nervous around him it’s impossible. It’s so tiring…

My of a leader just came into the room and demanded I get out and tell them what’s wrong. Well fat hope, er. I’m going to Mystic Ice Club tonight, and I don’t give a crap what any of them say. I am getting wasted tonight.

-Baro

I stared in horror, rereading the last paragraph over and over again. I could only think one thing then:

He was in danger.

Springing out of the bed and dashing over to my room, I threw on a jacket, before grabbing my hand phone and wallet and tearing down the hall. He wasn’t running away from me this time.

I think I heard one of my hyungs calling me, but I didn’t stop for a moment. I couldn’t. I flagged a taxi as soon as I got down to the sidewalk.

“Where to?” The driver asked, as I clambered into the backseat.

“Mystic Ice Club, please.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note:

SANDEUL I CHOOSE YOU! CHASE HIM!

Hehe I liked writing this chapter ^^ I really had to add in the JinYoung/Chanshik/ShinWoo part because I myself am confused by the pairings people put up :P Apparently all three are shipped. I'd tell you which one I ship, but that would ruin a bit of the last chapter :( So remain in suspense, you guys. Muahahaha.

The surreal night scene was something I'd wanted to write before I even thought of this fic. *Squeeeee* I really needed a cute part for them somewhere.

So now Sandeul's hot on Baro's heels, but how will Baro react?