I was stunned. He...felt that way about me? I’d never have guessed it. Though it made me a little happier to think that we felt the same way about each other, the emotion was quickly extinguished when I remembered that this was a long time ago, before he changed.

Did his feelings for me change too?

Entry 19

Dear Journal

This has got to be one of the most demoralising blows to date since B1A4 began, if you don’t count whatever happens with Jung Hwan. No, now I feel even worse, remembering him.

After practice tonight, manager-hyung pulled me aside for “a talk”. I was surprised, because normally he tells Jin Young whatever he wants to say, then Leader would convey it to the rest of us.

I think I know why he does that. If he told us everything he wanted to say in his own words, we’d be the Band With The Lowest Self-Esteem.

He told me that I wasn’t keeping up with my image. No, correction: the image that the entertainment company forced onto me. The whole bad boy act. He didn’t say this, but it’s obviously what he meant: I was apparently a wuss on our interviews and performances.

Why doesn’t he try being the “bad boy” of a supposedly angelic group? Does he have any idea how hard it is? If I’m “bad”, I destroy the group’s image, and if I’m “good”, I destroy my image. I’m kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place here.

I tried bringing this up, but he just told me to stick to the bad boy image and not worry too much about the group image. The others were taking care of that. All I could do was nod and say I’d improve.

Honestly, I’m not a “bad boy”. My parents always told me that they brought me up to be a gentleman. I’m shy, I respect my elders, and I’d never dare to hit a girl. I think the public just associates rapping with “bad-ness” or whatever, which is a bit frustrating. I can’t be bad without feeling like I’m doing the wrong thing all the time. “Cool” and “bad” are two very different things, and hopefully I can pull off the first without having to do the second. If anything, the bad boy image should go to Shin Woo hyung. He could do it without even trying if he weren’t such an umma in front of the camera all the time. It could even go to Jin Young hyung...if he weren’t so...uh...frail. *cough*girly*cough*.

In addition, to complete the image, manager-hyung wants me to bleach my hair white.

I like my hair the way it is, thank you very much. My parents would throw a fit if they could.

And to top the whole ish day off, Jung Hwan didn’t talk to me once.

FML,
Sun Woo

Entry 25

Dear Journal

I’m lying in my bed now, feeling like crap. I’m dead if any of the other members come in now, because I’m crying my eyes out.

I just wish the ceiling would fall on me so I could just die and get out of this misery. I hate my life.

Lately there’ve been rumours about Deullie and some other from another band, but, like any other rumour, we ignored it. I mean, if the fans can write about Shin Woo and Gong Chan in a relationship, they can pretty much write about any crap under the sky. There’s no way hyung would take advantage of our maknae like that.

…I think.

Today we were at Music Core, and there were a whole load of other bands there. It was nearly suffocating. I was with Jin Young, doing my duty as part time composer. We were talking to Zico, leader of Block B, about maybe doing a collaboration song sometime. It would boost both our ratings, reduce workload needed, everyone wins. I’ll just take this opportunity to say that Zico has the attention span of a 5-year-old and the memory span of a goldfish. In case you don’t know, that’s 3 seconds. But whatever, he’s not important here. Okay, needless to say, Jin Young was doing most of the talking, I was backing him up with the questions.

Then I saw the across the room.

She was ALL OVER Jung Hwan. I swear, she was just him with her eyes. I just wanted to go and crack off her plastic face with my fists right then and there. I probably would’ve if my limbs could move then.

I didn’t know I was staring until P.O. noticed and made this really “funny” joke out of it, and the whole of Block B started laughing their heads off. Business proposal opportunity down the drain, and the almighty Jin Young decided that it was my fault for being distracted.

THAT EFFED-UP HAD HER CLAWS IN MY SANDEUL AND I’M SUPPOSED TO BE FINE WITH IT?!

Apparently, Jin Young noticed it too, and he went over to talk to Jung Hwan after the performance. Am I happy? No. Firstly because this means they were actually serious enough for Jin Young to have to talk to Jung Hwan about it, meaning I’m not just overreacting. Secondly because Jung Hwan’s going to be upset about this, and the last thing I want to see right now is my best friend sad.

I probably look like right now, because I’ve been slamming my head against the bathroom wall and crying my eyes out. There’s nothing else to say, honestly. I must have been really stupid to think that Sandeul actually liked me back. I don’t know where I even got the notion from. Someone as beautiful as him would never look twice at something as worthless as me. How could I have been this stupid???

Shin Woo hyung just came in, so I’m under the blanket now, like the coward I am. He definitely heard me crying, but he’s pretending not to notice, so I’m safe for now. I’m just glad he has enough sense not to ask.

In fact...I’m considering asking him about this. He’d probably know the most, being the eldest, right? But...then he’d make me tell the rest on Saturday. Telling Sandeul that I feel this way is probably the worst thing to do now that he’s with...that . It’d be worse for me, worse for him, and it’d destroy our image if this ever came out. No. I’m not telling anyone now.

My forehead’s bleeding, and so are my arms. I have no idea how I’m going to explain this to the rest tomorrow.

When the rest get to sleep, I’ll try to wash the blood off. It’s stinging so badly, I really should’ve thought more about it before I even touched that stupid razor.

Sun Woo

I wiped the tears away, my eyes wide at the horror I was reading right now. He told us he had just fallen in the bathroom, and I had no idea he even had cuts on his arms. That explained why he refused to wear anything with sleeves that went above his elbows for a while...

Seeing the pain flow out of him like this just made me want to hold him and tell him over and over again how much I really loved him, how he never had to hurt himself again, how the crashing, endless emptiness I felt now was tearing me apart. The devastation he poured out into the pages slowly drove stakes of guilt and anger deeper into my heart.

The image of him as he wrote his, broken, vulnerable and scarred, flashed through my mind, and momentarily, I snapped. I snatched the book up and flung it against the wall, and it slid down to come to rest on the bed again, its pages dangling limply from its worn blue cover.

“I love you,” I choked silently, my tears staining his sheets, as my fingers tightened into fists. “I love you, why can’t you just see that?”

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Author's Note:

Wow...the last part kind of shocked me when I reread it. 

I was overcome with emotion as I was writing this part, because really, can you imagine the utter devastation you feel to read the pain that you caused in someone you love? I'm a bit unsteady right now with the immense amount of sadness...

I hope you guys enjoyed (?) this chapter :) Subscriptions and comments are, as always, greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
WhiteWings19