The image of him as he wrote his, broken, vulnerable and scarred, flashed through my mind, and momentarily, I snapped. I snatched the book up and flung it against the wall, and it slid down to come to rest on the bed again, its pages dangling limply from its worn blue cover.

“I love you,” I choked silently, my tears staining his sheets, as my fingers tightened into fists. “I love you, why can’t you just see that?”

Entry 26

Journal,

I guess this is just a page for me to get my thoughts out on. I’m going to try moving on. I can’t keep thinking about him. It’s driving me crazy, it’s painful, it’s ruining my sanity. So, from today, I’m going to try avoiding him. Seeing him just makes it worse.

There’s nothing much else to say. We did rehearsal today. I messed up a move. I stumbled in my rapping during practice. Gong Chan’s helping me through this though, even though he doesn’t know it. That kid brightens everyone’s day with his smile.

Argh...that just reminds me of him again. A fine example of perfection I can never hope to match, much less have the love of.

I hate it.

Anyway, as manager-hyung so nicely reminded me today, I’m going to start working out that bad boy concept. Wish me luck.

Sincerely
Baro

Entry 35

Journal,

Bad boy concept, finished. My hair doesn’t look too bad after all. I’ve had it for a couple months now. Gong Chan almost didn’t recognise me when I came out of the parlour. That kid’s cute.

I have a new style of clothing now, too. Mostly dark jackets and stuff. And my stylists got rid of the dorky frames I’d sometimes wear for performances, now I don’t have glasses at all. It makes me look like I’m twenty-something. I’m only nineteen, for crying out loud. It’s scaring me.

It’s weird being second-youngest, yet the one with the y concept. What’s worse is that Gong Chan looks older than me when we’re not wearing any costume props. It feels...strange.

But anyway. I couldn’t care less. We had a press conference a few days ago, where Sandeul denied that he was ever in a relationship with Ms . But that’s what they all say, right? So, whatever. I’m feeling drained from rehearsal.

Sincerely
Baro

I flipped further on, trying to ignore the pain I felt emanating from the words on these pages. I caused this, I kept thinking, my fingers trembling from the pain I now felt. I could feel how much he was trying not to care, trying to forget. And how badly it was failing.

Entry 52

Dear Journal,

, it’s just hurting so bad right now. It’s been TWO MONTHS since the conference, and I...

God, I’m crying again. I hate you, Lee Jung Hwan. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for making me think you love me.

He doesn’t even know that I like used to like him. He’s being all friendly to me again, and I’m forcing smiles so no one will know what I feel. I just told him I was upset about the scandal when he asked if anything was wrong, which is true. It’s just the reason why I was upset that I lied about.

He’s been around me a lot more lately, and that’s probably because our schedules have been getting more disjointed, so there are fewer of the other members around the dorms for him to spend time with. Whatever the reason is, it’s hurting like crap because I’m just constantly reminded that he doesn’t like me the way I like used to like him, that he just sees me as something he can play with for a while until he gets something better.

I need to find a way out of this. I can’t stand the pain much longer.

-Baro

You idiot, I wanted to shout, as tears streamed down my face. That’s when I started to like you! Why couldn’t you see that and stop hurting yourself?!

Entry 61

Journal

I have a splitting headache right now, so my writing may not be too good. I guess this is what they call a hangover...those stupid television sitcoms are right, it hurts like crap. I’m just glad we have no schedule till five pm today- I don’t think I can get up yet.

I went to the Viridian Club down the street for the first time last night. It isn’t too hard to sneak in, you just have to know when. The bouncers tend to get drunk too at around midnight.

I snuck out when the rest were sleeping, at probably eleven thirty, and walked there. I just hope none of them saw me, especially Channie.

I was just planning to have a look around, dance and drink a little, but whoa. I can’t remember whatever the hell happened after my seventh shot, but looking back now, I recall a little wild dancing with some girl I have never seen before in my life.

 I woke up at six this morning in our bathroom. I think I pretty much looked normal after my shower, so I went back to my room and slept the morning away. Jin Young tried to shake me awake at ten, but I couldn’t move. He kept telling me to get up to go through our new song choreography. Aish. When did he get so annoying? Even if I weren’t drunk, I was most obviously sick, but Mr High-And-Mighty-Perfection decided to overlook that.

It’s twelve thirty now, and I still can’t get up. I think I dreamt that Sandeul was in my bed this morning. Tequila does some crazy to your head.

Still, man, what I’d do to dream it again.

Wait, what am I saying?! I’m supposed to be getting over him! Argh, I need more sleep. Need to stop thinking about it.

-Baro

I felt my cheeks heat as I remembered that morning. So he was drunk...it hadn’t been too hard to guess where he was going all those nights. I’d know, since I would sit in the corridor outside at night after he left, and watch him walk down the pavement till he disappeared into the darkness.

Jin Young had told me to check on him...so I went to his bunk. Is it my fault that he looks like an angel when he’s asleep?!

No, of course not, right? So I had a perfectly good reason to climb up and lie beside him for a while, right? And maybe cuddle with him a little, right? And maybe...maybe...give him a peck on the forehead...right?

I sighed. It didn’t matter now. He thought it was a dream...but the fact that he liked it meant he still had feelings for me...

...right?

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Author's Note:

Keke this chapter was a little shorter. All the same, I hope you guys liked it :3 A big thank you to all my subscribers, I really appreciate your subscriptions! It's heartwarming to know that people like reading what I write :P I also really want to thank the people who commented :) You all are lovely people. I can't really guai silent readers because that would be hypocritical of me...so you guys are welcome, though a word from you is appreciated now and then :D

Sooo...I think I'm starting a new one soon, it'll be called "Here and Gone". It'll be a (surprise surprise) B1A4 fic, and I have a feeling it's going to be longer than Diaries and Dreams. But not anywhere near as long as those hundred chapter fics O.o I don't know how people do that. If I do start it soon, updates will be sporadic...because school is starting soon. Curses.

Baro has been clubbing, the bad bad boy. Sandeulie's starting to hope again that Baro's kept his feelings for him. But what's he going to do about it?

CherriesAndBananas,
WhiteWings19