Moon appeared on the sky and I decided to go to Myeongdong to buy some stuff. It is my first time here. Well, I do go malling but not here. When I was in high school, some of my classmates were talking about shopping here and I wanted to go with them but I’m not friends with them. They’re kind of allergic to people like me. The ‘school girl’ type. I was wearing braces, my hair is of some sort, I had dark skin, I mean 2 tones darker than the usual Korean skin and round eyeglasses. Everything changed when I met that guy. That guy who broke my heart.

     I bought some cake mix and knitted sweaters for winter, I mean for the winter season. For mom, I bought her a vintage necklace that has a rhinestone on the center of the heart. For dad, I brought him a black t-shirt that says SEOUL and number 75 at the back. I bought Kris a sweatshirt since he really looks good in it. And I bought Naeun a white romper with little details. Yes. I thought of them. I know I’m a bad person but this is the least that I can do for them. To buy them a gift.

     After all the trip to each stalls, I got tired. I want to go home and eat with my mom but I am so starved I could eat a horse! So, I went to a stand where they sell  Tteokbokki and it was so delicious!!  I went to another stand and bought Hotteok, korea’s most popular street food. It was so delicious I can’t get enough. I searched for a store that’s selling beverage when I saw Winter. He was wearing jeans, mocha sweatshirt and a navy blue scarf on his neck. I know it’s him. I quickly made my way to the exit and I do not see him anywhere which is good because I am unwinding from a lot of stress. I also quit being the vocalist of the band at the bar because mom’s right. I should be resting. I know it makes me happy. All the singing and the fans... but I think rest is also a necessity to me.

     After all the running and hiding, I went to a cafe to buy some drinks. I remember when we were high school, Kris told me to meet him at a cafe and he warned me about Luhan. I thought he was just jealous of Luhan. But he did told me about ‘another Seohyun’ and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I told him that Luhan finally said my real name and not ‘nerd’. But he was sleeping that time and I told Kris about it because I was so excited and high and in love. When Kris told me that there was ‘another Seohyun’, I got mad. So mad I felt my teeth clenched like my jaw would break. He just ruined my most precious moment with Luhan. But he did apologize after a few days and I forgive him.

     I sip on my java chip frappe and it tastes like heaven. When I was in Barcelona, I didn’t have the time to indulge myself. My priority is work. My mom worries about me every time. She says I don’t have the time to meet new people and fall in love and she says she doesn’t want to die without seeing a grandchild. I know. She’s the sweetest. 2 more years and Daddy will have to retire. He is so dedicated to his work he almost forgot about us. Kidding. I am kind of guilty though. Because I was half-mad at him because he was the one who told me to go to Barcelona with him, get my master’s degree and have a job there. And that was the reason why Luhan and I broke up. Because of my dad’s command, because of my dreams.

     A tear rolled from my eyes and I am glad that I am not that numb from all the pain (including dysmenorrhoea!) I still have my period. 3^rd day to be exact. “Hi there.”

     I looked up and Winter found me. The boy with the mocha sweatshirt and navy blue scarf is in front of me, smiling. Why do boys look hot in sweatshirt? He sat down on a chair facing me. “Nerd!”

     Nerd

     Nerd

     Nerd

     His voice echoed on my mind. He called me ‘nerd’. Everything flashes back once again. From the time we met up to the time we broke up. How dare he call me that?

     “Oh, hey.” I said as I rub my eyes and of course wipe the tears he didn’t notice. He is still smiling at me like did he really file a divorce? I shrugged at my thoughts. “Uhm, I’m actually going home so... nice to see you. Bye, Luhan.” I was about to stand up when he held my hand. His hand is so cold but I like it. “Are you avoiding me? Because I saw you on a street food stand earlier and then you vanished and when I finally get to talk to you, you’re shutting me off. Why?”

     Why? It’s because you’re were married to my friend and if she knew about this she would explode and she will see me as her ex friend who betrayed her and I don’t want that. I don’t want to fall in love with you more because people will be hurt. And I’ve done so many bad things, I do not want to add me cheating on my friend and Kris. “I am not.”

     “You are, nerd.” He said and he emphasized the word NERD like we’re still friends, I mean friends friends. I hate it when he says that word.

     I sat down on the chair again and look at him in the eye. “My name’s Seohyun, in case you forgot. I am not a nerd anymore. I am not—“ I am not what? Not his anymore?

     With worried eyes, he mumbled “Not what?” That’s what I hate. He always does that. That worried eyes of him.

     “I mean I don’t have time for this, Luhan. I really don’t.” Lie. Of course I have time. I’d do anything just to stay here. With him. I stood up and did not dare to look back. My chest hurts. My feet hurts from walking back and forth, shopping. My arms hurt from carrying these paper bags. This isn’t unwinding because Luhan showed up. He blew my mind, again.

     When I got out of Myeongdong, I found a quiet place, away from the crowd. The air is so cool I can sleep right now. When I craned my neck to the side, Winter followed me and I didn’t even notice. I was so busy thinking about my thoughts.

     “Thought you don’t have time for this?” Luhan said and he’s standing beside me, staring at nothingness. I need to change the topic.

     “How was the divorce?” Crap. Why did I say that? I sound excited about the divorce. “Well, I guess we have to let go of things.” Yeah. Things. It’s so easy for you to say. Ha! If I know he still has his ‘jar of hearts’.I did not respond.

     “What if we did not break up? What if I ran after you the time I shut you off?”

     I opened my eyes widely and look at him. He is calm. Like always. “Then I would never achieve my dream. My dad’s dream for me.” I blurted out.

     “What I meant was... what if I supported you with your dream and we did not break up?”

     I sighed. What is he trying to say? I am so confused right now.I stepped in front of him and punched him in the right shoulder. “Ouch!” he cried.

      With my fist clenched, I cried, “What are you up to, Mr. Pretty Boy? What’s with the questions and why did you follow me here in the first place? Yes, I am trying to avoid you because damn! I still love you. I still remember everything we did, all the plans, the promises... but you blew it just because you don’t want me to move to Barcelona. You don’t want a long distance relationship. And now that you’re divorced and single, you’re hitting me up? I am always your second choice. No, maybe last. I am always your last option. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but after six years, I’m still into you!” tears rolled down my face. I can’t stop them from falling. Damn tears.

     He hugged me so tight I can hear his heartbeat. It sounds like breaking.

     “I regret everything, I swear. When I told you ‘take care’ , we didn’t have any conversations after that. My world shut down! We didn’t see each other and after a few months, we decided to make a closure. I said I was fine. I said that being friends with you is fine. But that’s a lie. I do not want to be friends with you. I want more. I want you clinging to me. I want to wake up next to you and cuddle with you. I did pretend that it was okay. I have my pride high. And I lost you. And we never talked since then.” He sniffs and I know that he’s crying.

     I didn’t move, I like it in his arms. It doesn’t feel like butterflies flying in my stomach. It feels like home.

     “You’re always the first thought in my mind. I always look at my phone and hope that the text is from you. But no, you’re gone. I let you go. I broke your heart. I was so selfish. And now, I am being selfish again. I want you here, in my arms, all to myself. Just for a moment...... you are mine, again.”

     I look up and place my arms around his waist. His smell hasn’t change. I am craving for this. For this hug, for this intimacy. I mean, not . Just cuddling and it feels like we belong here. We belong to each other.

     “No matter what I do, I always end up seeing you and I—“ he shush me as he hugs me tighter. Kris or Naeun didn’t pop on my mind at all. All I know is Luhan still loves me.

Xxx

     We are walking down the street. His hands are holding my paper bags. “So, what now?” he breaks the ice. I frowned, “What?”

     “I just confessed to you.” He said and his cheeks bloomed red. Cute.

     I smiled shyly, “Well, I don’t know, Luhan. Really.”

     “Why? You’re single and I am single. Fate has been on our side! We met each other again and we still love each other!”

     I craned my neck to the street, “It’s not that easy, Lu.”

     He let go of the paper bags and stopped walking. His eyes are narrow and his face is blank. I hate when Luhan does this. Yes. He thinks he has so much power to control me and I hate it because it’s the truth. He has the power to control me except that time.

     “You can’t just get into a relationship with me, Luhan. You just got divorced and you’re not even sad about it. Not a bit. And why are you forcing me? Is it because you’re into a deal again? Make me fall in love with you and leave me hanging? It’s what people like you, do. I’ve always been in love with you. Since high school to be exact. I hate myself because I still love you after all these years. I hate myself because I can’t say no to you. I hate myself because I’m glad you’re divorced. I hate myself because I am cheating on my friends.” I exploded, my head hurts.

     “I was never happy with my ex-wife! I got in a relationship with her because she said she was sick! And throughout the years, she confessed that it’s not true and she’s forcing me to do things I do not want to do—! And what does it have to do with your friends?” he has this ‘what the ’ expression on his face.

     “Because I am friends with your ex-wife! I did not text Naeun since I saw you at the convenience store. It sickens me especially now that I am hanging out with you.”

     He started laughing and clapping his hands together like a retarted seal. I gave him a dirty look. “What’s so funny? You know what? You’re so smug. So full of yourself.”

    “Okay, let me tell you, Seohyun.” He wears a straight face. “I am into a deal. I never stopped loving you. I still stalk you in your social media accounts; I come to your house every once in awhile to check your mom when you were in Barcelona. She was alone and she misses you and your dad. When I found out that you’re having a vacation here, I called my friend—Naeun to be friends with you so I can be close to you, again. And maybe have our second chance. I mean, third. And I guess... it worked.”

I shook my head. “No. She said that you’re her husband. I have a proof.” I searched for my phone in my bag and when I finally got it, I switched it on. I haven’t opened my cell phone since then. I do not want to talk to Naeun that time. I was hurt. I click my inbox and saw a message from Naeun.

“Just kidding, my husband’s name is Taemin, here's his pic.”

I looked back at Luhan who was staring at me. “I thought....Naeun...you....”

He walked towards me and hugged me. The hug that I am longing for. He tips my chin up and leans on me. He kissed me so passionately I couldn’t breathe but I love it. What should I choose? The reality of Luhan or the dream of Kris?