It’s been a month now since I went back here in Seoul. I am enjoying my stay here. I have my own money, a house with my mom, a work, a friend and a soon-to-be-boyfriend. Kris and I started dating for two weeks now and I can see that he’s a good guy and he’s sincere. We hang out every day. He goes here every late afternoon and stay here until I have to go to work. He has work too. He owns a company. He is successful and handsome and responsible and I don’t see anything wrong with him. Sometimes, we would watch Netflix and munch on some pizza. Some days, we would cuddle and take long naps. Some days, we would make videos of us singing and some days, we talk to Naeun through Skype. My mother said that I am in charge of everything I do. I am old enough and she said that she wants me to be happy and get married and have kids.

     I haven’t seen Naeun in a long time. Well, I do see her in Skype but not in person. I miss her. I bought her a white shirt that says QUEEN inside an arrowed heart. I haven’t showed her the shirt because I want to surprise her. Please don’t forget that I puked on her favourite shirt when I was so drunk.

     You have 1 new message.

     I opened my email and clicked the message. It was from Naeun.

Naeun: My husband wants to file a divorce paper. I don’t know what to do.

     What. Seriously? I unlocked my phone and told Kris that I won’t be able to meet him because I have to take care of some things. He said ‘okay’.

Seororo: What? What happened? Tell me. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. Type.

Naeun: He said that he doesn’t want me anymore. He said that he’s filing a divorce. Is it because of lack of intimacy?

Seororo: Talk to him. Ask him why. I am not married and I don’t know what to do either!

Naeun: I’ll email you later for an update.

     Naeun always looks so happy when we are hanging out. Naeun looks so perfect in any angle that she doesn’t even have to try. Naeun is so pretty that she looks like a doll and I am not sure why his husband is filing for a divorce.

     I can feel heat rising up to my head. I can feel cramps and my ovaries are like being torn apart with a chainsaw. I went to the bathroom and tadah! I have my period.

     I searched everywhere and pace back and forth just to find a tampon or a pad. Goddamn, where are those? Oh. Mom is old enough to have period. I mean, she’s not old but she had menopause at 50. I guess I need to go to the goddamn store to buy a goddamn tampon before I stain the whole house.

     I wore layers of leggings then a black sweatpants so it won’t stain anything. I borrowed my mom’s car and went to the nearest convenience store. Before I get out of the car, Naeun texted me.

    “Why are you not replying????!!! I need you!!”

     I replied, “I have my period and I’m here in front of a convenience store to buy some tampon and I will reply to your email later before I stain the car’s seat.”

     My cell phone rang, again.

     “Buy me some condoms and bring it here. I’ll give you the address. Plus, I gotta see u in person. I need to tell u what’s happening. My husband’s not here.”

     I clicked the reply button.

    “? Thought u were having a divorce?!”

     Send.

     Ring!

     “Lack of intimacy. I think that’s the problem. Just do it. I’m going to pay for it later.”

     I rolled my eyes. She really loves her husband. I get out of the car, head to the female section, got myself a bunch of tampons and pads and some pain killer and moved to men’s section and grabbed a few pieces of . They have different flavours and I don’t have time to choose.

     I was going to the cashier when I saw a familiar face. He was wearing a suit. He was holding a mouth spray, a pack of cookie on his right hand, and a phone on his left hand. He was five steps away from me. I closed my eyes and opened them. The brown-haired boy is in front of me and says, “Hi.”

     I remembered the smell of snow. It was winter when I had a crush on him. It felt like winter when he gave me a cold shoulder and ignored me. His hair reminds me of the smell of gingerbread cookies and the color of honey in the bake sale every winter. His skin is as white as snow. It’s fall but it feels like winter.

     My mouth is dry. No words came out.  He asked, “How’s life?” as if he wants to know. He’s married.

     I closed my eyes, again and opened them. WIDE. They boy who symbolizes winter is real.

     “Here for a vacation. What about you?” I asked, still surprised.

     He heaved a sigh and looked kind of upset. “Filing for a divorce.”

     I nodded. Still, no words came out. His answer left me totally flabbergasted. He looked down and asked, “You’re married?”

     NO. I AM NOT MARRIED. I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON. TRYING TO FORGET YOU. AND HERE YOU ARE, YOU SHOWED UP AND EVERYTHING FLASHES BACK TO MY MEMORY AND IT STINGS, AGAIN.

     “N-no. I am dating your friend—Kris Single.” I noticed that he was looking at the items I just grabbed. “Don’t get me wrong, these are for my friend. Her husband is filing for a divorce too and she said that maybe it’s because of the lack of intimacy.” My palms are sweaty. My forehead is sweaty. My legs are shaking. They want to run near him so I can embrace him.

     “Oh, I see. Lots of couples having a hiccup.” He shrugged his shoulders. His shoulders are now broad and he gained some weight. He is blooming and doesn’t look like he’s having a divorce. He added, “Can I get your number? I’m sorry ‘cause I really  have to go now to see my lawyer.”

     “Yeah, sure.” He gave me his cell phone and I saved my contact number. He went to the cashier and waved saying ‘good bye, see you again’. I am still frozen. I can’t walk. I can’t breathe.

Xxx

     I went back to the car and tried to analyze some things. He is real. He asked for my contact number. He waved at me. He said he’d see me again. WINTER is back.

     Naeun said that her husband is not at home and she said they are about to divorce.

     Luhan said he’s going to his lawyer to file for a divorce paper.

     Naeun haven’t said anything about his husband, not even his name.

     I haven’t said anything to Naeun. I didn’t tell her the name of the boy I am trying to forget.

     Is it possible that Naeun’s husband is Luhan? But... I was there, I was there in his wedding. The bride didn’t have shiny wavy hair. The bride didn’t look like a doll, she looked like a real person. The bride was smaller than Naeun. The bride had long blond hair. Straight. The bride looked matured. The bride was not Naeun.

     I searched for my phone and sent Naeun a message to clear my mind.

     “Are you the first wife of your husband? Reply A.S.A.P.”

     Ring!

     “No. Second. Why?”

     I opened the gallery of my cell phone to find Luhan’s image but I failed. I erased it when I did Way Number 1. I opened my facebook account and searched Luhan’s account. I unfriended him when we broke up and haven’t sent him a friend request ‘cause I don’t want to waste my time on social media. I saved a photo of Luhan. It was taken way back when we were high school. When we we’re so alive. I haven’t deleted it since I really don’t have the time for internet and such.

     I clicked reply.

     “He remarried you?”

     Ring! Ring! A double text from Naeun.

     “Yes.”

     “Why?”

     I sent a photo of Luhan and sent it to Naeun with the caption “Do you know him?”

     Ring!

     “That guy is my

husband.”

Xxx

     I turned off my phone. Everything’s a mess. Here I am staring blankly at the front of the store with tears in my eyes. I just bumped into the thing that hurts me the most.

     We were in high school when I thought I was going to lose him. I found out about the deal. The deal was to make me fall in love with him and he did. I fell in love with him thinking I was so lucky because of all the beautiful girls in campus, he chose me. He won. I was so mad; my heart was pitch black—full of hatred and anger. I was angry at myself and I hated myself because I was a fool. Fool enough to fall for a  Casanova. Fool enough to think he was into me. It broke my heart. It shattered into tiny pieces. But he did not let me go, he stood for his feelings. The real one. His lips spoke sadness and truth or maybe I chose to be blind again because my heart always comes back to him I didn’t know why.

     We got back together and we were so alive. It was rainbows and butterflies. It was 4am and we were planning about our future. What will be the design of our house, how many kids we have to raise, our future careers so we will be able to survive. We lasted for damn years and in the blink of an eye, he blew everything—the plans, the house, the kids, the rainbows and butterflies.

     “But it is my dad’s dream for me! And it is my dream too! Aren’t couples supposed to support each other’s dream? I thought we agreed on this, Luhan?” Giggles and blushing went to shouting and yelling. He is mute. He is not speaking. He is staring at me like it was not a big deal. I paused for a moment. I was so tired of explaining things to him. Maybe we weren’t supposed to be together. Maybe the deal was a lesson and not a start. Maybe I was wrong.

     “You are free from this relationship.” He said as tears flowed down his face feeling the pain in his heart.

     “But I love you!” I shouted with everything I had left to give. He blinked once and wiped his tears. He shook his head, turned his back and went to the door to open it.

     “Take Care, Seohyun.” He mumbled as he unlocked the door and that was the moment I knew he still has a cold heart. The frozen heart that would never thaw. It was useless and that was the day I left. I never spoke to him since.

     Years after, we became ‘friends’. I was in Barcelona working my off to forget the tragic love story of mine. A mail was sent to me and as I opened the envelope it has a calligraphy that says ‘L x Y’. I read the letter and he was actually inviting me to go to his wedding.

     I attended his wedding and I decided not to stay in Seoul because it will just make me sad. The memories were still fresh. I could still hear him whispering sweet things to me saying how lucky he was that we ended up together. I would giggle and say something sweeter in return. His kisses turned into vodka and tears. Butterflies went to bees stinging my insides. And rainbows went to never ending storm.

     After another six years, a man came and promised me he would never hurt me. I was happy and I thought I belong with him. I was so happy because for the first time I had planned for my future... with Kris. Then Luhan came and he is messing with my head making me remember things in past. It’s like I remember everything nice and disregarding the thought of how he let go of me easily... I never learned and I don’t know if I will. It sickens me, that I am happy because he and she didn’t work out and they’re having a divorce. It sickens me more because the girl is Naeun. The girl who was trying to help me forget him. I am a traitor. I am broken. I am a disaster.

     The thoughts are hunting me just when I thought I was over him. Just when I thought I was doing the steps on my list correctly. And now, just now, we talked and my heart pounded. It stomped the shattered remains of my heart and everything is falling apart. 

Hi readers! This is an intense (?) chapter or y'all. Hope you will comment down your thoughts :) 

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all the love, authornim.