I searched for my passport in my bag while walking when I bumped into someone.

     “I’m sorry!” I bowed, uneasy.

     As I look up, he smiled at me. The smile that reminds me of sunshine.

     “KRIS?!”

xxx

     I am here in Barcelona to finish a project in an orphanage and I’ll be going back to Seoul three days from now for a 3-month vacation.

     I miss Seoul. There are so many memories there that I truly treasure. I fell in love and of course had my heart broken there. I haven’t been in Seoul for 6 years and 2 months... since Luhan’s wedding.

     It still stings. I just can’t understand why we broke up after everything we’ve been through. Aint couples should support each other’s dream and wants? I wanted to chase my dreams and he doesn’t that’s why he broke up with me. It’s so ironic. I did agree with him... that we should break up but here I am, being so bitter and I even went to his wedding.

     I thought I was fine. I thought I can be friends with him and I no longer have feelings for him. Silly me.

xxx

     “Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been cleared to land at the Incheon International Airport. Please make sure one last time your seat belt is securely fastened. The flight attendants are currently passing around to make a final compliance check and pick up any remaining cups and glasses. Thank you.”

     Finally, I’m in Seoul. Flashbacks keep on coming to my mind. All of my colleagues have their own life.

     Before I go home, I decided to go to the mall to buy my mom some stuff.

     “Wow, I love matte make up!” I exclaimed, talking to the saleslady who was offering me their newest product.

     “Me too. People nowadays like dewy makeup but me, I love matte.” I heard the customer beside me. I craned my neck to her direction. She has pale skin, long black wavy hair up to her back and shiny eyes. She looks like a doll.

     I just smiled at her.

     We both purchased the product. I was about to exit the store when somebody tapped me.

     “Hello!” she smiled at me while waving her right hand. On her left hand are bags full of clothes and makeup.

     “Hi.” I smiled back.

     “I didn’t mean to freak you out. It’s just that I’m new here in Seoul. I’m from California actually. I’m living here with my husband.” She narrated as we walk to find a restaurant. It was so fast. I suddenly became ‘friends’ with her. She is bubbly and very talkative.

     “You’re married? Wow, you look young.”

     “Thanks! By the way, I am Naeun.” She extended her hand.

     “I am Seohyun.” I reached for her hand for a handshake.

     I went home and my mom greeted me with a tight hug. I went straight to my room to change my clothes. I was finding for decent and comfortable clothes when a paper fell.

     I picked it up and opened it. The paper was crumpled.  

                       All about Luhan , the Casanova.

1. He's a playboy. He's very observant.

2. He has so many flings and he's ert. kekeke. He protects me from erts.

3. Just there to tease you.  He does a lot of skinships. (holding hands) >.<

4. He's nothing but a lie.

5. he's just fooling around.

6. He will break your heart.

7. He will leave you sooner or later.

8.He's handsome but its the opposite of their attitude.

9. He's as slow as the Internet Explorer. (He has a brother cockroach.)

10. I love him

     It was the list that I wrote way back when we were close. I didn’t notice my tears are already streaming down my face. I still remember everything. There are things in life that will not stay the same.  

xxx

     I lay down on my bed facing my cell phone. I still have his contact number but I don’t know if he is still using this.

     “6 years? Are you kidding me?” I whispered to myself as I stare at his number. I don’t know what’s happening to me but I pressed the call button.

     “Hello?”

     A girl answered. I didn’t say a word until she hung up.

     It wasn’t him, but it rang so it means it’s still in use.

     “Aish! I hate myself.” I whispered.

     I still have our pictures on my cell phone. We were so happy. I still have my braces on and I was curly here. I thought as I browse all the pictures. We were so sweet here. 6 years of loving him in silence... and I guess, still counting.

     I don’t entertain suitors since we broke up. I feel like I am not ready. I am not ready to fall in love and have my heart broken again. That’s why I am not able to move on. I am still in love with the person who is now married and happy. It hurts... a lot.

     I reached for my pocket and got the list. What if I make a list on how to forget him? It’s not healthy that I’m still holding on to nothing. I am ashamed that I am not matured enough to handle this, to handle my feelings.

     I sat on my desk. Oh, I still have my picture with Keroro. It was a stuffed toy given by Luhan when we were at the amusement park.

                          5 ways to forget him.

1. Delete everything that reminds you of him.
2. Make yourself busy.
3. Do things that will make you happy; spoil yourself.
4. Entertain suitors
5. Fall in love again.

I still love you, Luhan.

xxx

     “So... don’t you like your meal? Do you want to go to another restaurant? That’s totally fine” Naeun asked.

     “No, no. I’m okay. It’s just that, I have a lot going on.” I said as I played with my food. I am still thinking of him. Why did I even go back here? Seoul reminds me of Luhan.

     She rested her chin on her hands. “Do you want to share it or...”

     “Naeun , I have a boyfriend. Well, ex. We broke up six years ago. Actually, he is married now. I get so upset whenever I think of myself holding on to nothing. My heart aches whenever I think of him.” My eyes were teary.

     “Moving on doesn’t have time limit. It just happens that you loved him so much. But, you know, you have to move on, not for him, but for yourself. You have to let go because he let you go six damn years ago.”

     She’s right. He left me and I let him. It’s not his fault.

     “Actually, I made a list. Here” I pulled out the list inside my bag.

     “Hmm, impressive. You’re motivated huh.” She said as she reads the list.

     “Yup.”

     “I wouldn’t mind helping you. Number 1. Delete everything that reminds you of him.”

     I waved my hand in front of me, “Thanks but I can do that. It’s embarrassing... “

     She smiled and said, “Okie dokie.”

     “I am so glad that I have a friend here in Seoul. My colleagues have their own life now. Wait, why did you email me and invite me here?”

     She rolled her eyes and sighed. “I have a serious problem. We’ve been fighting. ‘We’ means me and my husband. The sparks are gone. It’s like he doesn’t even want me. I don’t know...”

     “I guess we’re both sad.” I chuckled to lighten up the mood.

     It is obvious that she’s upset so I asked her to go to an amusement park with me.

xxx

     This is not the amusement park where Luhan and I used to visit. Because if I go to that amusement park, heck, for sure my mind will be clouded of memories of him.

     We tried all the rides and our last stop was the photo booth.

     We took pictures even though we look so haggard and tired. I feel comfortable when I am with her. Does it mean we’re really friends? Like, friends friends? She printed two copies of each picture. One for her and one for me.

     She handed me the picture. “Here you go.” She added as she smiled, “I’ll frame this!”

     That smile was pure and it makes me happy seeing her smile. And tonight, I realized that I can be happy even if I am single.

xxx

     I got home and I pulled out the list. I need to do this. I taped the list on my mirror.

     “1. Delete everything that reminds you of him.”

     I unlocked my cell phone. I deleted his number, our pictures and our conversations.

     Yes, it hurts.  Every time I click the delete button, I feel like my heart is being stabbed. Those are my source of happiness whenever I am sad and whenever I miss him. I admit, I am desperate and martyr and stupid. Call me names, I don’t care.

     I burned his letters, roses, and some stuff. I changed the picture on my table. I replaced it with my picture with Naeun.

     I lay down on my bed and cried my eyes out. It has been six damn years and I am still miserable.