“Look, Namjoon, I’m dating someone else.”

“Oh. I- I didn’t know. I’m… sorry.” His shoulders slumped and his eyes cast down in a mournful gaze.Behind the masked smile he wore on his face, there is sadness and shock at his recent discovery but he kept his cool. His expressions can never deceive me.

“Damn. That was stupid of me to confess. Hah!” He smirked a little when consciousness fell upon him. That his timing was all wrong. But it’s our fault. I was just too much of a coward and his too much of a fool to realise any of this sooner. All this while part of me had always wanted Namjoon to feel my pain, so I wouldn’t have to suffer an unreciprocated love for years, but part of me right now regretted my initial wish. Because now, witnessing him losing his soul. I would have agreed to date him only if Jackson and Caroline weren't part of my life but now - things are different. My decisions not only affect my feelings but also The Wangs and my sister; my deceased twin sister.

Sadness that seeped into your bones drowned me.With our bodies both that seemed to grow colder and our minds that were starting to fill with a heavy feeling, our faces remained firmly dry grieving at our own decisions.

“I’m sorry things turn out this way.” My gut wrenched at my own words. Because with this words, we both know we have to part ways, that things are never going to be the same. We’re not as parting childhood best friends but as first loves. You only get one first love but ours failed; we failed tragically.

“Maybe you can introduce me to your boyfriend one day.” His unsettled eyes glanced unceremoniously around my living room, not wanting to make direct eye contact with me after his rejection.

My mouth is almost too dry to speak. I nod like an idiot and then croaked out "Yeah, I will.” Ironically, we both knew this was a lie. It’s similar to how when you meet your high school friends on the street, we’re going to shift uncomfortably, give an awkward smile and walk away as strangers. People come and go. Seems like I have to learn let go the man I’ve known for 12 years; at least until the situation settles down. Maybe we’ll meet once again someday - maybe not as strangers but as a long time friend after things cool down.

“Then I… I’ll make my move first.”

And that’s how it ended. He left once more but now I’m letting go.

The black glass surface of my desk was cluttered: a computer, stack of papers sitting under a the paperweight waiting to be touched, and a mug of coffee to keep me going. The incident early isn’t really helping my brain function normally. Even with a normal functioning brain, work was hard enough. Imagine the hardship I went through to get the day over. The morning was as old as the coffee on my desk. I sighed a sigh that was of a softly deflating; it was as if a tension had lifted my shoulders yet left me with a melancholy instead of relief. I took a breath before placing my hands, enclosed together, onto the table.

Get yourself together