Title: 4/5

You kept it short; you kept it simple. It was tastefully vague; open to a wide range of interpretations. It makes the readers wonder what the story could be about.

“Chasm? A hole? A hole in the ground, the sky? A metaphorical hole in someone?”

Simple, yet intriguing.

Description/Foreword: 4/10

You started with saying that the story is “loosely based off Alice in Wonderland” – very loosely indeed. Maybe that was how your idea started, but as the chapters progressed, it showed much more semblance to Narnia than it did Alice. Your description left much to be desired. It was rather basic and it did not do the content of your story justice. It only described a tiny part of your story. I believe if you included information about (but not too extensively of course, just titbits); warring kingdoms, the sibling’s mysterious calling to the land, the action and adventure that the story would take the reader through, you will be able to reach a larger audience.

*Also, you committed one of my biggest no-no which was to discredit yourself. Please do not do that, you are effectively setting up the reader into thinking that your story will be bad. Believe in yourself!

Character Development: 7/10

Is there character development? Too soon to tell. However, you did set it up well. Each of the main characters has a few specific traits. The two siblings being:  

Mark – over protective, brash, self-sacrificing

Joy – like her name suggests joyful, easily captivated, suffer in silence

I do see some growth from these two characters as well as from Yerin. The backstory for Jinyoung was revealed slightly and I expect growth from him in the future chapters. However, I have to say, Jackson’s character has become rather static, careful not to turn him into a flat side character. Do allow them to grow more; it doesn’t make sense for someone to come out from war/adventure as the same person.

Also, I did find somewhat a contradiction in Mark’s character. He seemed to have issues towards adult male authority figures (due to his father’s absence) so I found it rather abrupt when he accepted the King quite readily.

*I think Kyungsoo is mysterious. Is it a silly hunch? Foreshadowing on your part? We shall see.

*Also, the mysterious lady in Joy's head, what she said. Foreshadowing? 

Plot/Storyline: 26/30

Let me start from the beginning.  

Chapter 1: I get it that you wanted to present the setting for the two different worlds but unfortunately, it was not satisfying. The chapter seemed bare, filled with one or two liners of dialogues, reporting style delivery with scarce descriptions. “This happened, then that happened. Next this happened because that happened earlier.”

 It seemed like you were in a rush to get to the ‘good part’. The story would be better off without it. The details of the sibling’s backstory could be woven in between the following chapters and the part when they enter the forest and fall endlessly could be placed in the foreword as a prologue.

Now, the ‘good part’. Oh boy, it was good.

Suddenly, it was more descriptive. There was more emotions involved and the five senses were put into more use. You paid more attention to detail. I especially liked how you described Jackson’s transformation, how his legs get caught up in embers and morphed, not just a simple and basic change.  It was obvious that you enjoyed writing these parts, especially the fight scenes. Gosh, I was impressed. I feel that fight scenes are one of the hardest things to write. But you pulled it off well. I could picture every second of it going down and I could definitely sense the thrill, adrenaline and fear in that fight. I was absolutely looking forward to the next fight. Sadly, for a long while there was none. I’m sure you’re prepping for another great one, right? Haha. Fight scenes are your strong suit, use it well.

I like the way you change perspectives in between different chapters, perspective from the two earthlings and the perspective from the Aegians. It creates a clearer distinction between the two worlds. Be careful not bleed one perspective into the other; it can be tricky sometimes to maintain distinct perspectives. The story has a balanced tonality. You were able to keep the serious things serious, the mysterious things mysterious and the simple things light-hearted. All that mixed in with tasteful humour. I feel that the pace of the story was well-intended. You gave time for the siblings to nurture their talents and learn a couple of things about the new world they encountered.

Aegia; a whole new world. You did great with this. You properly built the foundations of this world and introduced it well. Its inhabitants were varied, there was government, politics, culture and you even described where it was in terms of scientific progress. There were even archetypes, like for example how ogres are great bakers or how cyclopses are subservient meatheads. The effort and detail you’ve put into creating this alternate world made it believable and enjoyable. Well done!

I cannot give much else on plot as the story is not even halfway completed. But I strongly believe that it’s going in the right direction. You have set up your story to be a complex one, with an impending war, mysterious woman that appears in Joy’s head telling her that not everything is as it seems, a King who knows more than he lets on and a Queen with a seemingly personal vendetta against the King etc. Keep calm and take time to plan your chapters out, close every conflict and avoid loopholes.

Originality: 13/15

How many stories are out there about people being pulled into a different world and becoming saviours of that world? Plenty. Yet, I don’t feel overly cliché-d when reading your story. As I expressed earlier, the way you painted the world to the readers made it enjoyable. Those details that you’ve put in, no doubt some are inspired by other works, but they were interpreted by your own creativity.

 I cannot stress enough that what sets you apart from other writers who made attempts at alternate universes, is your care in building that universe. Most of the time writers get carried away with their plot, they lose out on their environment.  So far, you’ve put the siblings in a box, they are mostly seen within the castle walls. You do mention them going out to hike mountains etc. but the readers didn’t get to see that. You’ve created a world out there, let your readers experience it. I hope in further chapters your readers will get to see more of this wonderful world you’ve created. Be it at the streets of Eiredell or at the battlefield. Allow your plot to take you places.

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Grammar: 15/20

Now, time for the technical part.

Your tenses were very consistent and it was near perfect with rare slip-ups. You have a wide variety of action words which is a big plus given the genre of the story. I also very much appreciated the variety in the words you used to describe speech. It was not a bunch of “he said, she said”. Your spelling was also on point with minor mistakes, mostly due to homophones (words that sound the same). Your vocabulary was also very balanced, it was not too bland and repetitive and you did not use ‘flowery’ words just for the heck of it. They seem well-intended.

However, there was plenty of confusion throughout the story. Those confusion being:

(I picked out the first few examples)

Preposition Confusion:

Eg. I got in a fight

Corrected: I got into a fight/I was in a fight.

Eg. Screamed on the top of her lungs

Corrected: Screamed at the top of her lungs.

Here’s a link to commonly used prepositions: Click here for list

My advice is to look up what they (the ones that you use often) are used for and their sentence examples.

Phrase confusion:

Eg. In the spur of the heat.

Corrected: At the spur of the moment/ In the heat of the moment.

Eg. Wrapped up in her finger.

Corrected: Wrapped around her finger.

Word confusion:

Eg. Amiss.

Corrected: Amidst.

These mistakes occur repeatedly in your story. Fortunately, it does not take away too much enjoyment from your story. I strongly suggest getting a beta-reader for your story to do some fine-tuning.

*You can pm me if you need me to introduce you to one.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5

I enjoyed the action and mystery in this story. More so the details you’ve put in Aegia. I was able to be immersed in the world and conflicts that you’ve created. There is much potential in this action/adventure story especially with the effort in detail and set ups for conflicts. You also seem to have a fair bit of foreshadowing (which makes any story that much more interesting), but I can’t confirm them since the story is not yet completed. I'm very much looking forward to your next instalments. Good luck and all the best with the rest of the story :)

Until then~

Total: 73/100