Magnetism. Curious how it works and that once it is activated, there’s almost no way to avoid it. Even with days full of drama llamas, late in the night when my glow-in-the-dark stars are my only solace, that pull will still invade my mind consciously right before I sleep. Or worse subconsciously in my dreams. Either way it is a new type of hell and that’s saying something with midterms coming up and my brain checking out early. And you might be wondering why magnetism got off on this tangent or specifically me, and how this all connects. But it’s all very tangled and I really don’t know myself---

“Liar!” noona exclaims and throws popcorn, loosely aiming at the Television, specifically at--

“Joey Donner is such a babe~” HyeMi noona interrupts and noona and I turn our heads her way as she munches on popcorn and stretches her feet out of the arm of their beige wing chair. She feigns indifference, but noona taps the side of the chair, while she rolls her eyes.

“I don’t have to explain something you clearly heard right” she deadpans and lifts her head higher before slumping back into the cushion of the wing chair.

“So you like him, but you don’t like Cameron?” noona argues and I watch their eyes divert to each other for longer than 30 seconds, which is a record when this movie is on or any of these films.

“He’s too sensitive and has no game at all--”

“But Joey, who’s a generic self-centered popular guy is any better?” noona barks back and the familiar argumentative banter echoes in the room like a very weird family tradition that’s also very normal in this household. JiSeo noona being the eldest just absently plays with Miyoung’s hair and JoHyun(her husband) drums light fingers on JiSeo noona’s palm.

“I just said he was ho--- good looking. I wasn’t gonna go off and marry him-” she replies shaking her head and casually side-eyeing JiSeo noona in case her almost slip up around Miyoung warranted a scolding.

“I know that, but he’s not even that attractive” noona counters and Hyemi noona gasps just as inaudible as her speaking voice.

“Uh, yes he is! Look at that greased up hair, nicely sun-tanned skin and--”

"His big head filled with ego!” noona raises her voice and stares off into the distance like a very infatuated fangirl.

“Okay guys, enough. Clearly Heath Ledger, bless his soul is the Sang namja(Real Man) here and you guys are just souring the mood and suspense” JiSeo noona interjects in that oddly calm authoritative 'mom voice' and the two narrow their eyes at each other before looking away and calling in a silent truce.

“There’s no suspense in an over watched movie...” Hyemi noona mumbles after a while, unable to resist having the last word. JiSeo noona doesn’t even have to say anything to resume her authority and just momentarily locks eyes with Hyemi noona after her nondiscreet comment. Hyemi noona in turn, shoves popcorn into before making another remark.

The movie continues followed by a chorus of oooooohs and shiny heart eyes when Heath Ledger (Sang Namja)’s character starts singing to Kat(trademark 1990’s cheesy public display of affection). I do have to admit I don’t mind these movie nights that much although there really isn’t much action packed scenes. It was also a habit since secondary school when noona's parents were stuck at the shop on sunday nights. Us, being young and not having much to do on a sunday, would join JiSeo noona in making popcorn and watching her favorite 90’s rom-com movies.

Who would’ve thought over ten years from now we would be here in the same plush sofa plus cute little Miyoung now snuggled in JoHyun hyung’s chest and JoHyun hyung whom JiSeo noona's leaning on. Yet, other than that, things don’t really change much, do they?

After that, the next addition to their chick flicks comes on and four girls in wedding dresses start singing in that 50’s doowop style. I nudge noona not really remembering this one, when Julia Roberts flashes on the screen and my brain quickly thinks Ooooh that one.

This movie is always a bit messy to me because she backstabs her best friend by pretending she is not trying to sabotage his upcoming wedding, when she really is. Also, the part with her faking an engagement with her friend George, who is so obviously gay is so ridiculous because--

I mean he doesn’t look gay like how the stereotypical gay person is represented in movies--except for maybe the way he throws his blazer over his shoulders. And the way he slurs his words and ends his sentences in an almost sultry tone. Also, his grandeur and suspenseful story about their fake engagement is a bit more dramatic than what most guys would describe it as, but other than that I wouldn’t assume he's gay.

Well---okay, he does dress really nice, but some guys can dress nice and be straight. Also, he kinda walks nice--- and maybe even looks really nice in a casanova Heath Ledger(Sang Namja) way, but less badass and more classic business man attractive like, Dr. Chansung when he enters the office always sporting his black on black dress shirt and pants. Then, there’s Dr. Nichkhun when he wears his gray slacks and white dress shirt underneathe his lab coat, hanging about by the office during Dr. Jang’s lunch time. And maybe even Daehyun when he is surrounded by the kids in the nursery. Hair sticking up all over the place from running around with them and some drool on his pant leg, clad in a dark blue dress shirt and black slacks under his lab coat.

“Junhong? Do you want more popcorn or not?” Noona nudges me and I blink out of my musing. I nod slowly as her words turn into a cohesive thought in my mind and she hands me two bowls. I hand the other one to Hyemi noona who lights up at the sight of more junk food. She has a weird obsession with words that have corn in it. Strange, but I can hardly fault her on it.

“So, I’ve been thinking about the Himchan Flower Project and I’m a little stumped” noona tips her head to her left side and starts to curve downward. I shake my head physically brushing off these random thoughts plaguing my mind and focus on the now.

“I thought you said you had it figured out” I reply remembering the list of options she gave me and also the thorough explanation each one required, which she presented with no reservations. She gets a little worked up about details.

“Ughhhhh, the list” she grumbles, rolling her eyes and sinking deeper into the couch. “Yeah well I thought about it...again  and those are all a bit vapid compared to who Himchan really is. So, I went back to square one, mixed and matched a bunch of them, and I can’t seem to find a perfect fit...” she huffs and I watch the invisible heavy load of disappointment fall on her shoulders.

“What characteristic are you basing your hunt on?” I ask trying to find an alternative way to approach the task at hand.

“Well there’s fiery, confident, kind, and sassy, but he can also be subdue, forgiving and understanding, which is the problem because they’re all too contradictory” she replies, while Hyemi noona turns up the volume as yet another iconic singing scene comes up.

“I see your point--” I whisper afraid to attract any unwanted attention and be attacked by the volatile members of this family. Happened too many times and it never ends well for me, but anyways- “But what really stands out? Like what’s a characteristic that's solely Himchan or maybe a simple noun that encompasses the whole of him?” I blurt out, figuring that trying to fit all of his characteristics may not be the best way to approach the Himchan Project. However, a single theme that can tie all together might be better way to solve her problem.

“Hm… you’re onto something here” she says and Hyemi shushes her as the other restaurant goers on the television, start singing and clapping along with the main casts' family. “Well he’s someone who can get a bit overwhelming, but that’s because he’s genuinely curious and constantly worries about other people. His confidence is also unmatched and he carries himself like he’s a crown prince, very regal and classy… Although his words aren’t always filtered. And he always dresses up especially when he’s down to keep his head up, so optimistic is another” she rambles as my mind starts to doze off too and she’s right. Himchan does dress really nice and even if certain pieces don’t seem to compute well, he manages to pull it off with his amazing sense of self-assurance.

“It’s actually incredible how he pulls some of his stranger clothing combos” she goes on and I nod absently falling in the same wavelength of thought. “But that’s probably because for some reason and it has to be partly genetics that gays are so good at dressing… or maybe not because the rest of his group dresses really well, too! Like Jongup, Youngjae and even Daehyun, but I hardly doubt they're gay, you know?” she tilts her head and for some weird reason, hearing the words gay and Daehyun so close together just brings back memories of Youngjae’s pool. Like the image of his brown eyes illuminating from the sun’s rays and the unexpected exhilaration of being close to such smooth caramel skin reflecting like diamonds in the water---

“!” noona shrieks and I freeze mid thought, throat dry, and heart drumming loudly against my chest. “That’s it Junhong! It’s pen---” I cover unnerved she even has the audacity to say Himchan is crass when she’s spouting inflammatory words with Miyoung around.

She tries to repeat her words, but I refuse to let go because what is even going on with her that she thinks it’s okay to say those things out loud. I stare at her pleading for her to stop, while my heart feels like it’s stomping around my rib cage.

“MHMG MGG NGGG!” she screams, with the words all muffled and then proceeds to my palm, which takes me by surprise and I regrettably draw my hand away.

“YA! What the hell are you doing?” she yell whispers as JiSeo noona gives her the eye and points at the sleeping Miyoung in JoHyun hyung’s arms.

“What am I doing? What are you doing yelling that word in front of Miyoung?!” I whisper furiously back dispelling the fierce panic ringing in my ears, which seems so exaggerated for a simple slip up.

“That word? What are you---?” she tilts her head at me, mouth open in confusion.

“C’mon don’t pretend you don’t know what you said” I nudge, but she shakes her head no and looks at me like I’m sprouting wings and a beak or something. “Just because it’s in english doesn’t mean we can just carelessly say those words out loud” I prod her further and she looks even more lost.

“I really don’t understand how pe--”

“Omg will you stop saying it!” I almost yell and drag noona to the kitchen unable to keep my volume any softer.

“Stop saying what? I’m only saying pe--”

“, yeah I know!” I yell safely away from everyone and noona’s grip on my arm falls and she narrows her eyes completely confound.

“Junhong I said peonies, like the flower? Not -- Where are you getting that from?” she interrogates me, while strategically moving forward and trapping me between the countertop and the fridge beside me.

“Wait what?” I nervously reply, swallowing the embarrassment down and trying to ignore my hyperactive cardiovascular system.

“I was thinking about it and more than anything else, Himchan is kind of like the uniting mother figure in the group. A healing presence, who makes you feel at home and taken care of like the god of medicine Paeon. And his overflowing confidence makes him seem like he's the emperor's long lost son, so there's your royalty factor. And most importantly, beauty in all forms just seems fitting by how he is not only handsome on the outside, but also the fluffiest fabulous man I have ever met. Which is why I think peonies” she further pronounces thickly and I give a shaky soulless laugh.

“Would be perfect to describe him, and oddly enough has nothing to do with es and your over sensitivity towards them despite having one yourself!” she moves back a little, rolling her eyes and goes to the fridge to get something, completely unaware how her words and the specific arrangement of them has triggered a light fuse in my system.

Over sensitivity towards them despite having one yourself

The words flash before my eyes and when I close them to block it out, they disappear for a second before popping up again and again completely consuming my thoughts. Then, the memories of the dream, the couch incident, the singing to the kids, or even the singing in general constantly play like one of those re-run channels on the television.

“Junhong honey? Are you alright?” noona’s eomma approaches me with the back of her hand pressed against my forehead.

I quickly open my eyes and notice that noona is nowhere to be found, but eomoni is now directly in front of me looking very perturbed. A sudden cold shiver propagates throughout my chest, while heat is simultaneously pulsing against my ears and face. She frowns and I nod despite the bipolar temperatures emanating in different parts of my body.

“Ani-- we have some tea. I think you should lay down--” she coaxes me and I shake my head, pushing against the countertop I was leaning so harshly on that the sudden loss of support made me all wobbly for a second.

She takes my hand and I grip the sink afraid to push eomoni’s body. I straighten myself up right away and bow in apology. “I’m sorry eomoni. I think my all-nighters are catching up to me, but thank you and tell noona I left early to go get some sleep” I manage to say cohesively, while my mind goes on overdrive and the temperature differences strengthens like mixing oil and water.

“Wait a minute, are you sure you’re okay Junhongah?” she says with her hand on my shoulder and I politely nod at her. She gives me a fleeting look, waiting for me to give in, but I stand my ground afraid to deal with whatever this is in public. After a few more seconds, she reluctantly draws her hand back and I make my quick escape through the door. I meet abeoji on the way and he hugs me despite the grocery bags in his hands bridging between us.

“Leaving already? I was going to make some Seolleongtang (Ox Bone Soup) for the family” abeoji says and I automatically take the groceries from his hands. He smiles at me and we walk back towards the kitchen.

“Ne. I’m not feeling too well and I think I should just sleep for a bit” I explain briefly, while putting the groceries on the table and eomoni starts organizing them.

“You can always stay here and rest if you want Junhongah~” she says taking the bag of fruits and putting the rainbow selection of sweetness in the fruit bowl.

“You are always welcome here~” abeoji interjects rinsing one of the pots and I smile at them feeling warm in their welcoming presence much like the rest of noona's family... well, when they're not out to get you.

“I know and I am always thankful for everything, eomeoni and abeoji, but I think I should go home for today” I reply and bow without pausing to look at them since it hurts to turn them down, but I couldn’t stay any longer without feeling like the air is diced with nitrogen.

I make it out the door and lean against the gate to take huge gulp of fresher air. And another and another and then an even bigger one. I don’t know why, but being inside triggered a claustrophobic effect that I never even knew I am susceptible to. I put pressure against my chest around my heart willing it to relax and it does thank God. I take one last look at noona’s house and hastily walk away before she comes running out and calling me back in.

I let the cool autumn air even out the odd temperature disparity in my body and fight the weary feeling that's gradually taking over. At least now, I'm universally cold instead of half cold and half hot. Yet, the weary feeling worsens with each step I make and turns into a force tied to weights dragging my feet as I walk. I try to focus my energy on the lights and the cars, ignoring the sinking feeling and the even weirder notions developing in my head.

I walk the whole length to the train feeling restless and proceed to get my ticket. I take it out of the machine and make my way to the stairs when I feel a vibration on my jeans. I take my phone out of my pocket and see the multiple messages noona left. The culpability of leaving so abruptly instantly hits me and now I feel like a Joey Donner.

Hey, are you okay?

Mom says you left feeling sick... you could’ve stayed over you know.

Text me if anything okay?

And yah! It’s way too late in the game for you to get horribly sick and die on me!

She sends a couple more messages filled with nonsensical emojis and insiders. A pull at the corner of my lips draws a small smile on my face and I feel a little lighter. My smile curves even deeper at her insistence of more emojis, and I make my way up the stairs and head to the platform. I stand on the other end of the train, shivering lightly, and wait for it to stop moving. The doors open up and a familiar lab coat...well lab coats actually, step off the train cart in front of me. I bow immediately and the two males approach me.

“Junhongah~ Are you on your way home?” Dr. Nichkhun pats my shoulder, while a small piece of metal depresses on it. I look over at the metal and notice it’s actually a silver band on Dr. Nichkhun’s left hand, particularly his ring finger.

“Yes, Dr. Nichkhun. I just came from noona’s home” I smile at them and notice the same exact silver band on Dr. Jang’s finger as he ruffles my hair. It is a well known fact that Dr. Jang and Dr. Nichkhun are together. Even when I was still in highschool, they were already sporting the same rings only in their right hands. It was only until recently that a rumor went around saying they finally got married in New York City with their families and close friends, including Dr. Chansung, Professor Lee Junho, Minjun, and Taecyeon. They’re all coincidentally co-workers, but apparently they’ve been great friends since university, so I don’t think it’s any coincidence at all.

“It’s nice to know you guys are still great friends until now” Dr. Jang says and Dr. Nichkhun and him share a small moment before they address me again. Other than being lovers, it is also prominent that there is a very close friendship between them and I nod momentarily taken by it and them.

They never really show outward public affection, especially in our country that is still very homogenous and doesn’t really accept much change. But the small moments are there, like when Dr. Nichkhun always hovers by the Extensive Care Unit conveniently around Dr. Jang’s lunch break or when it’s about time for him to leave. He sits, quietly by the waiting room, never without a big grin and an air of animated blue waves splashing about as they walk side by side through the halls of the hospital. There’s also the fact that Dr. Jang brings Dr. Nichkhun coffee every morning no matter how awful the rain is or how high the snow levels get.

Even during my high school years, they were always together whenever they had free time. Silently watching from afar when one had a speech or important announcement to make and smiling themselves silly at the instant the other was around. With just that, you could feel how much they appreciate and care for each other. How much they want to support everything the other does, and most importantly, how much they love each other.

“Junhongah, you should go before you miss your train” Dr. Jang warns and I nod and bow politely at them.

“Have a good night Dr. Jang and Dr. Nichkhun!” I wave them goodbye and they wave back smiling at me with their vacant hands barely touching, but presence very close and steady.

---------A---------

I wake up the next day super early and feel like there's a huge cottonball clogged up in my nose. I open my eyes and it manages to radiate heat all over my face. I shake my head and get to my feet, so I can head to the bathroom. Once there, I turn the tap on from the sink and the cold water floods my skin, making it breathe from the warm heat. I precede to wash my face and blow my nose, but nothing really comes out and the air feels even more restricted. I press the back of my hand against my forehead and frown as the heat pulses against it. This would explain why I felt like yesterday. I was just getting sick!

My mind sort of brightens at the thought, which makes no sense because I'm sick and still have to attend class. I sigh dejected that I'm feeling sick at the worst possible moment and I curl into a banana on top of my covers unwilling to go about my day. I could just skip today and ask noona for notes. Her notes are considerably better than mine anyway, so it wouldn't really hurt to skip school...again. But, I also haven't really caught up with all the work yet, and missing more days is gonna make it harder to catch up. UGH. I stare at my listless stars some still glowing a little, while others are completely out of commission.

Grumbling and kicking at the nothingness in front of me, I sulk before I sneeze so violently I feel the jolt all over my body. I fall back on the bed and proceed to sniff the remaining mess still in my nose. ing hell. I close my eyes and pretend that today isn't important and it lasts for a little while, until my thoughts drift to my impending future or lack thereof and well, that finally gets me to my feet. I slowly put on some casual blue jeans, a deep blue cashmere sweater, an oversized black bomber jacket and my new low cut nike shoes. I also take a scarf out knowing full well I'd need it and give one last fleeting look at my bed before I get up and go out the door.

I take the elevator down to the lobby, wave at the doorman, and make my way to the convenience store. I buy two large shrimp and crabmeat onigiris, get myself a large cup of steaming hot tea, and some medicine for my cold. I take the bus to Uni and choose the long walk to the library hoping it will clear my obstructed sinuses. The trees are slowly changing in gradients of yellow, orange and dark red, while the cold air breezes by swirling through the leaves and bushes.

It’s a momentary relief to watch nature change so exquisitely even with something so drastic happening to them. Yet, every year the leaves change color, fall off, and come back green in the springtime. That same green that lasts throughout for two seasons like nothing as momentous as detaching themselves off their homes could affect their overall entity. But it’s never as easy as that and even they are gone for a considerable time, so the change is still impactful. However, inevitable nonetheless.

I make my way to the open field to enjoy my small breakfast before starting early on another review session. The crunch sound every time I step on a leaf is oddly addicting and I find myself walking on areas with leaves on them to get that satisfying noise. I stomp around unable to resist the louder sound effect it has when I crush the leaves harder. Nearing the benches, I fulfill my leaf crunching needs and settle for a small wooden one at the side closer to the library. I rummage my bag for my food purchases and breathe in the smell of food.

The morning sun comes up almost sneakily, soaring slowly above the buildings and brightening the field even more so than before. I hum to myself taking a big sip of the tea, while burning my tongue in the process. Yet, the relief is overpowering and just what I needed so, I drink more of it and look for my onigiris. I scarf them down like a cave man deprived of food, in between annoying sniffles that won't leave me alone. I take the last bite of my second onigiri and take a big sniff to push all that annoying nose gunk up there, so I can finish chewing.

“I get the merit behind holding it in and to commemorate your efforts, here's a napkin” Daehyun slides down the seat between me and my bookbag, all shiny with the sun as his background. He holds out his hand for me and I just gulp in a terrible effort to take in his sudden appearance. "It's not gonna eat you like you ate that onigiri" he comments further and laughs, full of white teeth and twinkly eyes that close into those cat whiskers, making the air feel even tighter around my nose and my cheeks burn.

I burry my face into my scarf hoping that will hide the blush I know that's threatening to spread to my neckline, but the next thing I know he moves in closer and pats my shoulder to get my attention. I get a magnifying view of his face still slightly tan from the pool day and his brown hair clouding his caramel eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, but I can't hear anything. I can only see and wow, that red beanie really suits his brown hair. But it also makes him look a lot fluffier---makes his hair fluffier and overall gives a younger vibe. I look down wondering if this is what a young Daehyun must've looked like back then, and notice the sudden change of color on his cheeks as the breeze violently brushes pass us.

What a nice shade of pink and tan his skin becomes. It glows and--

"Junhong? Can you lift your head?" he pokes my nose and I sink deeper into the bench. "C'mon, I do this all the time, just lift your head okay?" he coaxes and I freeze unable to do anything because he's even closer than before and his warmth is radiating through the air or maybe that's just me. He sighs and gently tugs my scarf down. Then, he lifts my chin up a little and presses the tissue on my nose. Holy hell. I stay frigid afraid to move, but he pats my shoulder with his free hand and makes the motion for me to blow into the tissue.

I gulp and sheepishly blow down on the tissue feeling extremely self-conscious, but he smiles anyway and cleans my nose up like this isn't disgusting or anything.

“Daehyun! Junhong!” Yongnam’s voice echoes in the field and I jump up and back down on the bench, while Daehyun merely turns his head and manages to deposit the used tissue with careful ease. He takes out a small bottle of hand santizer and starts cleaning his hands when cold palms tap my shoulder.

I look up to an inverted view of Yongnam and he looks between the two of us.

“Hi Hyung! What brings you here so early in the morning?” Daehyun asks, making Yongnam tilt his head, and a little hesistant.

“Apparently interrupting something? I’m sorry if you guys---”

“We were---”

“Weren’t doing anything. Just eating” I point to my bag of food and cup of tea, feeling oddly defensive and have the need to show all evidence to my breakfast.

“I think Junhong contracted a cold” Daehyun adds and the smirk on Yongnam's face comes back, which is totally out of place and puts me on edge.

"Sure he is-- but interrupting or not, I was just gonna ask you guys if you saw Gukkie around? We have a really importing thing to get to today and a change of plans has---" he stops midway, looking at the bag in between us, to Daehyun and then back at me. He blinks, face completely blank, and then a greasy smirk trails the ends of his lips, which makes me feel uneasy.

"You know what, if you guys see him just let me know, okay? and I'll leave you guys to it" Yongnam changes his approach not failing to wink at me and then running to the library, leaving me feeling completely unsettled. I get up from the seat, unable to sit any longer and Daehyun bores his eyes up at me.

"You alright?" he ask and I scratch my head not really sure how to explain the need to be away from him right now.

"I er--- I have to go uhm--" I start putting on my bag, really needing to leave because I feel weird down to my gut and it's like it's twisting in endless spirals, but it's not painful or anything just strangely warm and a little suffocating.

"You're not avoiding me because of the whole Nurse Min thing are you?" his voice falters a little and I don't even fully processes his question before answering.

"Who?" I glance at him and Daehyun looks at me like I'm being childish.

"Nurse Min. The girl you were gonna ask out at the pool party?" he explains and I nod quickly.

"Oh yeahhh! Her, and no. I mean no, I'm not avoiding you" I say with an odd sort of straight lipped smile and he rolls his eyes elaborately showing off his eyelashes like we haven't already established how long they are.

"You sure? Because it sure feels like you've been avoiding me all last week" he bites back and I frown offended. Although okay, I have been doing a lot of needing to get away. And maybe it is most frequently when Daehyun is around, but that's purely coincidence. I mean it isn't my fault that when I saw Daehyun wave at me, I happen to notice a baby sitting sign on the bulletin board next to him, which reminded me that I had to pick up my nephew from primary school that day. Hyung has been very busy last week and so is dongseo(sister-in law). So, naturally, I would wave back and head to the opposite direction, while almost knocking into the elevator I just walked out of.

Totally smooth, but hey, I had responsibilities to fulfill. I couldn't leave my young nephew waiting for me, and I only had a small window of time before clinicals started. So, really I had to go then, and for the rest of the week as well. Moreover, Daehyun and children are kind of synonymous since he takes care of them all the time. So, it's hardly my fault that he continuously reminds me that I have to go and tend to my nephew.

"I didn't mean to trap you into listening about my boring trip back home last year and giving her time to look around and start a conversation with JB. I'm really sorry..." Daehyun rambles and the sad glint in his eyes and dejected tone of his voice makes the unsettling curl in my stomach turn over.

"What? No. Daehyun, really. It's fine. I--er-- I didn't mind talking to you about your trip back home to Busan. I actually liked hearing your stories and watching you--" your eyes dilate and expressions change with each story I continue in my head, unwilling to open my mouth and comment any further. But of course with that type of cliff hanger, he stares at me, and I'm red again and need to leave.

"Watching what?" he asks and I feel so warm, I think my neck is sweating. Jeez, I'm sweating. Gross.

"Uh--- Did I say watching? I meant looking at the pictures you showed me. Yeah! Those were uhm---nice" I scratch my head feeling stupid and saved at the same time, but more of the former.

"Our swimming photos?" he quirks his brow and . They did go swimming a lot and Daehyun was wearing very little clothing okay . Uhm.

"I er- meant that..."

“Choi Junhonggggggg opppa~” the shrilly voice of a shrilly girl calls out and the nervous energy quickly changes into waves alerting my system.

“Oh no--” I turn my head around and surely enough the shrilly girl with her shrilly voice is coming close and my wonderful record of avoiding her as much as possible this whole term is quickly dissipating into the air.

“We should run now if you want to lose her” Daehyun suggests taking my hand in his and I look down at them completely at shaken up. He's holding my hand and it barely fits because I seriously filled out like a bear, but there it is. Small, tan, and warm, and solid, and real.

"OPPPAAAA~" her voice gets even more whiny the closer she gets and I shake my head, while letting go of his hand. The loss is powerful and abrupt and I almost take it back, but then I look at his face and oh god. No. What am I doing?!

"No. You go ahead. I'll- um settle this here" I fight the thrumming against my chest and the irresistable urge to look up at Daehyun. Instead, I walk towards the nightmare coming towards me and somehow trick myself into thinking that this is a better outcome. I walk a few more steps and wonder if Daehyun is taking this wrong. And of course the sudden need to find out is so big that I sneak a small glance at him and there he is. Still by the bench and giving me two thumbs up with a very supportive smile, matched by his weary caramel eyes.

I offer an awkward smile back and . Why is he so nice? The urge to go back and walk with him lingers so heavily in the air that it becomes thick and I almost started walking to him. But no, I can't go back--- I

“Oppa where have you been all semester? I haven’t seen you anywhere it’s like you’re avoiding me” hearing the same words should've made me feel terrible, and yeah I did, but it only made me think of Daehyun more.

“Heok. What is she doing here? Is she following you again oppa?” she whines and noona being her tiny sassy self comes up to us and grabs my hand.

“I’m talking to my ‘friend’ and now we’re leaving so byeeeeeeee” she emphasizes “my friend,” while arching her brow and then drags me away from her. The shrill shriek that comes out of her is predictable, but frightening and all the more reason to run away faster.

Noona laughs and I honestly can’t fault her because she has the balls to say noona is the one following me around when it’s been her this whole semester. I, however can’t find it in me to laugh because my head is in the clouds filled with browns and pinks and a very odd jumbling in my gut.

“Hey, don’t tell me you’ve suddenly developed feelings for her?” she asks incredulous.

“What-- no!” I yell indifferent and sort of like this question is oddly misdirected. She tugs at my arm and she motions for me to move down and come closer. I move my head towards her and she places the back of her palm on my forehead.

“Just want to make sure you’re feeling better and won’t die on me or run off like you did yesterday! ---And actually the day before that and the day after that too-- Hm, now that I think about it you have been doing that since last week!” she comments and I feel like I’m sinking lower into the jerk depths of the food chain. “What’s going on with you, Junhong? You’ve been acting-- weird and feeling distant, like you’ve got a big secret or something” she continues staring right at me and it feels like a barrier is forming when my tongue gets caught in my throat and refuses to formulate an explanation.

“Are you?” she reiterates and I internally yell at myself, panicking and yeah maybe there is something wrong. But why can't I just say that and more so to her. My best friend in the whole entire world, who would understand or at least try to understand the hot mess that is my mind right now. I swallow the lump in my throat and try to appear as calm as possible.

“SooHae! Junhong! Have you seen Guks?” Himchan comes up and the timing of everything is either working on my favor or totally making me let things slip out of control.

“No, I haven’t. Are you---” noona replies, but Himchan is already walking away, and both noona and I look at each other before following him with our momentary problem set aside.

“Hey, is everything okay Himchan?” I inquire and Himchan startles into a jump and stops in his tracks.

“Huh? Uh yeah. I just. We have a very important thing today that is being rescheduled in the morning, but I can’t get a hold of Yongguk, who is a big part of this thing” Himchan reasons and resumes to what seems to be dialing on his phone.

“Oh okay, we’ll look with you then~” noona grabs onto Himchan’s arm and we fall into step with him. After the fifth miss call, Himchan frantically looks everywhere and grips his phone tightly into a fist.

“Where the hell is he?!” Himchan yells, the frustration clearly etched in his otherwise serene face making me feel confused and alarmed.

“He'll turn up Channie~” Noona tries to relax him with a soft voice, but Himchan is too consumed by his thoughts that his eyes aren’t even blinking.

“Please god, prove to me that you really exist and stop this man from doing something stupid and selfish and forgetting that there are people out here who actually care and worry about him!” Himchan yells almost dropping his phone to the ground and not showing any ounce of care for it. I look over at noona a little disturbed that Himchan who is very particular with his things, is not alarmed by the prospect of almost dropping his phone.

Noona who is much closer to Himchan these days (when I was off babysitting my nephew) wraps her arms around him and he sinks into her embrace. It’s odd to see something so familiar in the eyes of someone else. Noona always had warm hugs despite her being small and you can feel the sincerity of it with the pressure she tightly provides you.

Himchan and her let go of each other and they settle on the lounge chairs. I stay frozen in my spot unsure if I should offer my help or if I should let them handle it. It’s weird to find myself in this position of not being a part of something noona does, but I guess it’s bound to happen.

Himchan takes her hand and starts tracing random lines on it as he resumes to talking to her. I linger by the vending machines still not really sure if I should interrupt something very personal, when noona takes a break from listening and looks up at me. I offer her a small smile of consolidation and she smiles back. I look at my watch and see that class should be starting in an hour and I just point towards the library. She nods and I walk over there and turn back to say goodbye, when Himchan looks at me too and offers a small smile. I shake my head no, point to him and lift the corners of my mouth up. His smile curves a little higher and I wave them goodbye before going inside the library.

------------VOID------------

“It’s gonna be alright Channie~ We’ll find him~”

“We better! And I’m sorry, I can’t just sit here anymore!” he gives me back my hand and stands up from the chair. I stand up, too and look at the library and then at Himchan. “I’ll just see you later and keep you updated” he says squeezing my shoulder for a second and I take one look at the library and follow him out the building.

He turns and stops in his tracks. “Don’t you have class with Junhong in twenty minutes?” Himchan asks holding the door out for me and I step out with him.

“Yes, but you need me right now and he owes me, so I think missing one class won’t be so bad...” I smile at him and he takes my hand again.

“But isn’t his handwriting, and I quote 'just plain awful'?” he jokes swinging my hand back and forth with his, already taking me with him even if he’s giving me reasons not to. I laugh and a real smile breaks out of his lips, which is nice and I’m happy he’s feeling lighter with my incision to help.

“I’ll just have to ask him to record the class then” I playfully remark and Himchan laughs for real this time and soon we both do, while soaking in the sun and the nice morning breeze. It is a beautiful day despite the situation at hand.

“Something going on here?” a voice calls behind us and we both turn, hand still clasped together. A double image blurred by the sun approaches and with a few more steps the image clears into two people who couldn’t be more of the polar opposite from the other.

Himchan quickly realizing who is in front of us, lets go of my hand and leaps, yes leaps very dramatically into Yongguk’s flummoxed arms. He pats Himchan's back and sniffling sounds grow stronger.

“You idiot! I thought you went off and wasn’t gonna return again!” Himchan yell cries and Yongguk’s puzzled expression turns soft. Yongnam pats Himchan’s back too and the yell-crying gets louder. I let them comfort Himchan knowing full well that the mother figure always has her moments and needs a good long cry once in awhile. Especially after being the shoulder to cry on.

I look away allowing them their space of grief and busy my eyes with the trees and the apparent seasonal change. Summer is flying by so fast and the fall is just sailing through. It won’t be long until Christmas comes along, too.

“Not trying to steal my man, are you?” Yongnam jokes and I shake my head at him.

“I don’t really think I’m his type” I reply and that permanent smirk on his face comes back.

“Thanks, for being there” he pauses and looks at me. “I can’t always show my affection so openly, but you’re filling in my shoes very well. It’s a little alarming actually, so you don’t mind me asking what your intentions are, right?” he adds--jokes and maybe not, but I laugh all the same.

“You’re welcome and I don’t know. If you keep messing it up I might just have to swoop in~” I look up, challenging him and this time he laughs and shakes his head.

“I certainly see why Himchan keeps you around and---” he pauses, looks at Yongguk and Himchan calmly talking now, and Himchan wiping his tears out of his eyes. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but um-- If you wouldn’t mind, it would be nice to have you come along with us” Yongnam offers looking very serious for the first time I have ever known him and it’s a weird look on him, being this solemn.

“To visit your grandfather’s----” I ask intending to finish the sentence, but also not finding the right words to finish it with.

“To visit my grandfather” he fixes for me and I look at him and then Himchan, and Yongguk and the library.

“Is that---okay?” I managed not really keen on intruding and being that unwelcomed outsider on such a private event.

“Trust me, my grandpa knew the whole town, so it’s hardly a private affair when all your neighbors are there with you. And honestly, Yongguk and I will be pretty preoccupied, which means leaving Himchan in the middle of grieving people. But with you around, I’m sure he’ll be okay. Not to put you in a tough spot or anything it’s just Himchan really likes you and I feel safe having you around him too” he reasons, but I couldn’t answer him.

“Plus, my grandpa is the nicest guy in the planet. He would’ve opened his arms in welcoming you over if--you know, so will you come?” He tries again and I still don’t know what to say.

“Uh----” I weigh my options completely nonplussed. To leave with them and feel anxious about being in a very private family affair or to go to class and feel like a douchebag for being selfish and succumbing to my own needs over theirs?

I take a look around hoping for a deciding factor to wash over me, but nothing really comes up. I look over at Himchan and Yongguk again, as they slowly make their way to us. I let my eyes fall on the ground unable to decide and start tapping my foot on the grass. I stare down at it and then at the leaves, when the bright color catches my eye.

Red. The leaves are red, yellow, orange and everything they usually aren’t remarking a change in their regular cycle. A normal change in their life cycle and if you think about it, is normal in our lives, too. Change just naturally happens whether we want it to or not and if that isn’t a sign enough, then I don’t know what is. So, I slowly nod at Yongnam and brave a smile before Himchan waves a hand between us.

“Um, ex-cuse me! but she’s my friend, so I would like it very much if you would just back off and get your own” he says as Yongnam laughs and backs up. “Thank you!” Himchan takes my hand again and I laugh, too.

“By the way, I took the liberty and invited ‘your friend’ to come with us if that’s alright with you guys?” Yongnam asks looking at Yongguk and we wait for his reply. Yongguk who doesn't realize the question was really being directed at him, looks at everyone and shrugs his shoulders. Taking that as a yes, Himchan holds Yongguk’s hand, too and swings it back and forth.

“Okay, cool! Let’s head to the car then, before eomma and worse appa gets all worked up that we’re not on time” Yongnam nudges Yongguk and he shakes his head. Oh right. Meeting their parents. What a awkward way to meet your friend’s parents, but then again nothing about this year has been particularly conventional anyway.

----------ANCE-----------

It wasn’t a long drive like I expected it to be, but the loss of conversation drew out the last five minutes before our arrival, and made it feel like it’s been longer. Family traditions vary throughout Korea on how to honor a day like today, but as the clouds come in like an army in the vast blue sea, so do the infinite neighbors Yongnam was talking about.

They come in small groups, most of them older with their graying hair and bags of offerings and flowers. Meanwhile, others are young, maybe in their late twenties accompanied by many children with colorful cards in their hands. I step out the car and walk over to Himchan who lets the twins walk up ahead. We don’t talk, much less gossip like we usually do and just climb up the hill covered in grass, trees, and a vast number of gray tombstones remembering many loved ones.

The cloudy atmosphere seems to echo the hearts of everyone present and I watch at a distance as people come one by one to pay their respects and say a few prayers for the twins' grandfather. Everyone has this serene smile the moment they get lost in a memory or a time of softer hellos and unheard of goodbyes. Yet, it always ends with a bitter twinge in their eyes, which look more like held back tears from the loss of someone very dear to them all.

Himchan stands next to me, eyes not leaving Yongnam and mostly Yongguk, who stands tall and stares off at ground in front of him. Both have been silent the whole time and while Yongnam can’t keep still, Yongguk stays frozen. Beside them is a lady with short blonde hair wearing a black blouse and black trousers that flare on the bottom. It’s striking how similar the face shape, eyebrows and eyes are between the three of them, but it makes sense since that has to be their older sister.

Himchan mentioned her before and how she was his role model growing up. He said that she was always so daring and unapologetic about who she was, which Himchan loved and aspired to be. He would also brag about how badass she is because apparently under all that clothing are tattoos, which turns out to be her designs. Next to her is a man with longer curly hair, thick black beard, while also sporting an all black ensemble. Judging how close they are, he must be the fiance she's had since high school.

Right by the tombstone are two individuals standing very differently from each other. While the older lady never fails to greet and smile at every person paying their respect, she is also very subdue when they offer their private words to the twins' grandfather. The man next to her on the other hand, is completely stoic. It’s questionable if he has even moved at all except for the bows he shares with the other visitors, but really stiff as well. The lines on his forehead creases tighter as the day goes on and Himchan tugs at my arm.

We make our way to the crowd and he hands me a bouquet of flowers, which I didn’t notice he was holding this whole time. I look at him and then at the red, magenta, white and yellow zinnia flowers now in my hands. Magenta zinnias means lasting affection and the yellow ones mean daily remembrance, but a mixture of all of them stands for an absent friend. I offer him a small smile realizing why he drilled me last week about more flower knowledge and happy to have sent the right message.

We make our way close to the tomb and bow before placing the flowers in front of the grave. It says:

Uri Cheonsa (Our Angel) and a slight pang pricks at my chest. We stand up and half bow in front of the grave again and to their parents. Their mother offers a small smile, lingering on Himchan and then giving one to me as well. I giver her one back and we go behind Yongnam and Yongguk.

The prayers continue and a few more children come up with their folded cards and sullen faces. After the last of them has finished, their mother pays her respect by bowing along with her husband. She stands in front of the grave in silence, while everyone stares at the grave as well. Then, she clears and her husband holds her hand right before she gathers her courage and speaks.

“Appa, your kind heart has always been as bright as your smile and because of that, so many people continue to gather here today and see you~" she pauses smiling at everyone who has made an effort to disrupt their morning schedules and honor this man.

"Thank you so much for everything. You were more than my father in-law, for you were a teacher to my children, a doctor to the town, and most importantly a dedicated friend who never knew the concept of a break” she pauses again and some people laugh and smile in agreement. Then, she looks at the grave, all the humor is out of her face, which is replaced by a single tear making its way down to her chin.

“I used to always complain how you spent too much time outside of the family and you would always reply that you were with your family. I didn’t take your words right that first time, or the second and even the third. It just made me feel like we were always second to your job. Like there was something far more important than the bond tying our families together. But, throughout these years, I finally understand your sentiment and wish I could’ve been more open then. I love you appa, and even more so for sharing your time with your other family and taking care of them, too. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to finally embrace who you are and will do my best to share the love and bond you've created. Rest well now, and take care of yourself” she finishes with a clear voice and her husband kisses her cheek, while the rest of the crowd nod their heads and share a universal moment of gratitude.

A tear sneaks down from my face and I soak up my strange mixed feelings of wanting to know him and feeling blessed to witness how great of an impact he had on all these people. Yongnam squeezes Channie’s hand from behind and they share a fleeting look before breaking away. Their relationship has so much history even before it became romantic that knowing how it did end that way, warms my heart despite the grief surrounding me.

The hugs and light chatter takes over after their mother’s kind words and soon one by one the visitors leave. Their family talks with the last remaining relatives, while Himchan and I wait by the car. Like I said, it is usually a very private affair and judging by the way everyone treated Himchan, he should be there with them. So, I poke his arm while he stares vacantly at the trees in front of us.

He pokes me back and leans on the car window, releasing a long sigh. “It’s been four years now and it still hurts just the same---” he confesses fixated at the trees on the hill across from us. I take his palm lightly tracing lines on them and lean on his shoulder.

“You know, I met them through halabeoji(grandpa)?" he informs and I shake my head against his arm.

"He was my sister’s doctor and they made us wait in the nursery when they discussed her medication plan. But after awhile, I would get bored and felt left out because my sister knew the older kids and I didn’t. So, by the time they finally came back from their meeting, I was sitting alone by the tea set. I was pretending to serve one of the bears some pastries, when he sat across from me with a tigger plushie and a big smile. He introduced himself like a true gentleman and asked kindly if he and his friend could join us for tea. Three cupcakes and two teas in, Yongnam comes in with Yongguk behind him and pouts at their grandfather for sharing their tigger” Himchan laughs for a moment, but then his sniffles suddenly unearths his facade. However, he resiliently lifts his head up to stop his tears from falling. I don't meet his eyes when he's clearly trying very hard to compose himself, but keep my presence very close.

“You know that feeling when something really bad happens and you don't know how to process it? And even much less accept it? You start numbing down and doing a whole lot of somethings just to feel again because everything is so monotonous and gray and time just drags into an endless haze of events that seem so far away?" he describes, fists tightening and frown running deep in his face.

"What's worst is that no matter how good something feels, it's still transiet and never lasts compared to the numbness. It somehow always wins... Well, that's what it felt like when he left, but all that seems like a breeze to what they were going through. Both of them were falling apart. My two best friends, and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. I came here everyday for weeks. Praying his magic would work one last time and Yongnam would get back to soccer like he always dreamed. While Yongguk would come back from whatever hell hole he ran off, too. It was so scary then and there’s a small part of me that still worries, especially around this time of the year... What if we go back to that? What if they fall apart again?” Himchan trails off and this time the tears just fall continuously down his pretty face. I lace my fingers with his and squeeze wanting to give him some sort of reassurance. He looks at me, with his stuffy nose, soaked lower lashes, and chapped lips beyond caring.

“They won’t Channie~ They love you just as much and have come this far to turn it all around” I console him and he nods, leaning onto the car even more and squeezing my hand back.

-----------💙------------

The car ride back to campus definitely feels longer and even more empty. I don’t know if it has anything to do with watching Yongguk’s distal form sitting in front of the tombstone, while we drive away. Or the way Yongnam’s hand never let Channie’s go now that there is only three of us in the car. It is an odd feeling and I find myself unable to shake out of it even when I am preoccuppied with clinicals.

Junhong is strangely quiet the whole day, too and it's worse when we are with company. Even around Daehyun, who we practically see every day of the week and him more so me. However, they barely shared an awkward hello when Junhong fidgeted a small greeting and ran off to help Dr. Chansung.

Maybe he's still feeling a little sick after last night? I don’t even get the chance to ask because people keep coming in and we are pretty much running around the whole time. Strange, how it felt like I missed something, although we hung out the whole weekend and watched movies with my family.

But then again, I could just be overthinking it. And today is so emotional that it easily feels like a year passed between us and I haven’t seen him in forever.

“SooHae, Dr. Jang needs more people in his ward. Are you still busy or can you go over there?” Nurse Min cuts me off my reverie and I look over at Junhong, welcoming another patient in the examination room. I drop off the papers in my hands to the filing bin and nod at Nurse Min as I finish logging in the paper work for that patient.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell Junhong you had to leave for you” she says and I share a smile with her before I walk out of the ward. Junhong has been handling the Nurse Min situation very well. Not that I didn't expect him to take it with grace, but it's like there was no strain in their relationship, despite the fact that she ended up talking to JB the whole party. Maybe we are growing up at a pace faster than we realized? Or maybe he found someone else to crush on? But he was never the type to move on that fast, so it's got to be something else entirely. Whatever it is, I'll find out soon.

--------------🎄-------------

Here comes the talk of shame. It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry this chapter took its time in the making. Like Junhong and SooHae, school has been taking over my life and is much less a mixture of Himchan and the rest of BAP/GOT7's antics. But as promised, I still really want to finish this story, so here I am months later with a new chapter. Thank you very much for your patience. It is highly appreciated ^^ and I hope you all have a happy holiday and enjoy this new addition to the story. Until, the next chapter then~