Traces of you
Dysfunctional
Seungyoon’s POV
I can’t let go
I see you no matter where I look
(My crumbling heart)
I can’t hide
Baby for one minute, one second
I can’t let go
I hear your voice no matter where I go
(My broken heart)
I can’t breathe
Baby for one minute, one second
Even for one moment, one minute, one second
Two years after Mino’s death
“Please sit.” Some staff member says to Seungyoon.
They’re in the biggest conference room ever. Funny, how when they were fully active, they never had the privilege of such luxury rooms.
“Please stay still.”
A few seconds later, flashes from cameras surrounds them like lightning on a dark night. Only two minutes, Seungyoon counts in his mind.
Click click
The tireless sound of cameras is apparent in Seungyoon's ears.
Well It’s gonna be the last picture of Winner. Best headline in the whole year.
"Leader, please speak.”
Seungyoon blinks a few times. He still sees the lights from the flashes, but It’s not like anyone cares. He takes few deep breaths.
It won’t take long. It’s just few sentences.
He closes his eyes.
Five more minutes.
Three breaths before speaking, this way you will look confident.
“Hello everyone. I’m Winner’s leader Kang Seungyoon. Thank you for coming.”
It’s not like anyone would miss an occasion like this. One of the biggest bands in the world ends their activity permanently.
Who would have thought we will reach the end so soon?
“Not me.”
The other members start to introduce themselves as well. It’s not like we’re in full squad anyway…
“I’m not here.”
Seungyoon blinked. Don’t do this to me now. Not now.
He glares at the crowd before him. He was there in every judging eye. In every person, in every whisper. Mino was still here, or more like, he wanted him to be here badly.
If he would only… He can't take his heart aching.
Focus, Seungyoon reminds himself. You need to focus. You’re doing it. All of you agreed to it.
“You haven’t asked me.”
"Because you are not here.” Seungyoon thinks absent-mindedly staring at the chair by his side, as always, left empty. For you, who's not coming. Not late. Not ever.
With this realization comes another. No matter how long he keeps his hand under the table there's no one to hold it, to press a kiss on it, so he clenched it into a fist, till it turned a deathly white, waiting for the wave of pain to ease, as it can never fully go away. It can only ease.
He knows everyone is looking at him, waiting for him to start his speech. The thing is, as much as he wants to speak, no words are coming out of his mouth. It's as if they're stuck in his throat, unable to escape.
He sighs.
He’s so tired. He's so broken.
It’s time.
As if you’re waiting in my long-time memories
You beckon to me as if you’re whispering
As if left alone forever in longing
You come to me step by step
Deep heart, deep thoughts, your deep voice
I hear it all...
“What time do you think it is?” Seungyoon asks, half nagging. He’s already annoyed and starts to knock on the table in irritation.
“Calm down. It’s just twenty minutes.” Jinwoo stops his hands. “He will be right here.” He is always a calming force in the team - an angel, one would say.
“I hate it when people are late.” Seungyoon grumps anyway. He is a perfectionist. He is always punctual. He likes it when everything goes smoothly and according to plan.
And here they are, awkwardly waiting in their training room for their new member. Song Minho was his name.
“If you don’t want to wait, then just go.” Taehyun says from the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. His eyes are closed, headphones in his ears, but it seems like no song is playing. His movements are all stiff.
Seungyoon knows Taehyun is not much happy with the idea of a new member joining them. From his point of view, Taehyun always seems to be cold and unapproachable. Seungyoon got used to it. But he also knows that behind that cold mask, Taehyun hates people leaving, and from the moment they met up to now, they already bid goodbyes to three trainees.
Only God knows how many times Seungyoon was on the edge of giving up, how many times he questioned his own choices, struggled when waking up, cried when nobody heard. Yet he is still here. Gambling his life on music, as he knew any other way of living wouldn’t do for him. He had this passionate spirit. When he loves, he loves to the fullest, within the fire of his heart. No matter how it's burning him out.
“He better comes soon or we will look like a bunch of stood up loosers.” Seunghoon tries to joke while playing on his phone.
As soon as he speaks, the door opens. Seungyoon raises on his feet ready to start nagging the newcomer, but words are not coming out of his mouth.
Instead, he feels blood rushing faster through his veins. He feels hot waves storming through his body as he can’t take his eyes of the stranger. He just stares at figure drenched in water - probably rain water - standing awkwardly in front of them, apologizing for being late.
Apparently he was caught by the rain on the way here. Seungyoon can’t really tell as this deep voice is tearing apart his ability to focus. Wet clothes are clinging to Mino’s firm body. His wide chest gives away the fact that he could probably give great, warm hugs.
He’s as tall as rest of them, yet Seungyoon feels so small in front of him. His nose and jawlines are sharp and defined, but his smile softens them easily. His skin is glowing from the rain drops, his dark hair plastered to his forehead, and Seungyoon can easily see those dark, sparkling eyes of Mino’s.
As they meet each other’s stares Seungyoon feels like electric discharge is going through his body. It's just a mere few seconds but he feels exposed. Like Mino touched dusted strings of his heart he's long forgotten he had and played the first sound. They’re not breaking their eye contact for what almost seems like an eternity. It’s scary, it’s fresh.
“Thanks god you’re finally here. Relax, we’re not gonna kill you.” Seunghoon breaks the silence, coming closer to Mino. Seungyoon blinks a few times as he suddenly finds floor so interesting to look upon.
"Well, Taehyun might look like he is planning next murder, but it’s his normal expression. Or so we don’t know.” He points at him, introducing.
"Start running only when you see him smiling.”
“You’re next on my list.” Taehyun warns Seunghoon, but stands up from the sofa and with some awkwardness, he shakes Mino’s hand. “I’m Nam Taehyun. Nice to meet you.”
“Yeah.” Mino cleared his throat still not letting go of Taehyun’s hand. “I’m Song Minho. Please take care of me.”
“Here’s Jinwoo. He is the safety blanket of the team. Also he is a helpless drama addict, so if you treasure your face, don’t ever stay between him and the computer screen. Don’t let these innocent eyes cloud your judgment, his strength is no joke.”
“Shut up.” Jinwoo lightly elbows Seunghoon. “I’m Kim Jinwoo, happy to have you with us.”
Mino bows his head while shaking his hand.
“And here’s…”
“I can introduce myself." Seungyoon interrupts. “I’m the leader of the group, Kang Seungyoon. Welcome to the team. Prepare yourself for hard work.” He says with a domineering tone, trying to drown out the sound of his drumming heart.
“And as you see, he is pure fun.” Seunghoon teases. “He is the nagging king.” He whispers in a way everyone can hear.
“I am not…” Seungyoon starts to retort, feeling his cheeks blushing, but Mino’s tiny laugh stops him. It’s such a pleasant sound, he would like to hear more of it.
“Please take care of me, leader.” Mino bows a little and shakes his hand with a wide smile. His eyes showering him with amused sparks. Their contact lasts maybe a second yet Seungyoon feels the warmness of those eyes sticking with him hours later.
“And all best things come last, I’m Seunghoon. Believe me, I’m the only funny person out here, so stick with me.” He winks in his charming way, patting Mino’s back in a friendly way. “You’re now one of us.” He smiles brightly. Far brighter than the usual.
And so it all begun, them working as five.
Seungyoon bits his bottom lip in irritation. Lately, it has been his constant state. The pressure is high as they were defeated again and again as Team A. They are on a straight trajectory to lose their dreams.
Again, he will need to start from nothing. Yet all he has on his mind is the man in front of him focused on the computer screen and so encapsulated in his own world, he probably wouldn’t even notice a dancing elephant in the room. He never notices things and it irritates Seungyoon. He always forgets about stuff, approaches everything with the innocence of a child. He is easily amused and his energy never seems to recede. He’s always making mess around himself.
As if surrounding himself with many things would somehow help him clean his mind. His laugh makes the silence after it unbearable to stay in. His loud appearance makes the room empty when he is no longer there. And Seungyoon notices all those things and it irritates him to the bits.
He sharply strums the guitar’s strings. Music, he needs to focus on music. A long time ago, he swore music will be the only love in his life. After all, it gave him a chance in life to make things right. It was safer to love music, because it would never hurt him, reject him, never abandon him...
Yet here he is staring at that sharp profile and focused eyes. He snorts loudly, frustrated at himself. Mino, he decided, is his disease. He’s like a flu. Everyone’s catches it on autumn season. He just needs to find the cure.
Music is probably the cure, he reasons. Just focus on the music. He turns around so Mino would no longer be in his view. But when Mino approaches him from behind suddenly, asking with that pure look of curiosity on his face, the one that means he is paying full attention to Seungyoon, and asks,
“What you’re working at?”
Seungyoon can only throw papers away and leave him confused in the room. He can't stand the closeness of his lips near his. His smile that makes everything burst with colors. His breath seductively landing on his ear. His constant care that makes his heart surrender without a fight.
He is running away like a kid, like a coward fully confident that if he stays, he wouldn't be able to let go - most probably never.
The little memories
Like how this glass of alcohol becomes empty, our small memories became transparent
Even though I try to bring it back
The memories of us I can never make it again
Like yesterday night’s dream it’s so clear, but it’s gone...
Flashes bids Seungyoon goodbye when he gets in the car after the press conference. He’s finally alone. It should have felt better, but for whatever reason, it doesn't. Maybe it's the size of the vehicle that used to accommodate five of them… then four… now, it’s only him left. He rests his head on the car window.
“It’s all over.” He whispers to the empty seats. “There’s no Winner anymore…”
It only feels like just yesterday when they were complaining on how crowded it was inside. Their sweet beginnings. He can easily imagine Taehyun sitting in the front, humming to the music in his headphones. He’s tired, but never sleeps in the car. Next to him Jinwoo is already snorting in his sleep and Seunghoon puts a coat over him from the back of his seat. And finally Mino, still talking with excitement about things they have done earlier, flooding him with smiles. It’s only few more minutes before he will fall asleep as well. Just like that, still mumbling in his sleep introduction from their concert. His head always falling on Seungyoon’s arm. He lets it stay this way thanking God no one sees the crimson spreading on his face.
And as Mino wakes up, he likes seeing his cheeks becoming rosy. He likes how he's throwing shy glances at him under his long eyelashes. How he places his hand on his hip but so close to Seungyoon's so they can touch from time to time. Seungyoon smiles at his own reflection. His heart jumping inside of his chest without rest.
But now those are only ghosts of the past, disappearing when he wants to take a better look at them. Memories that gives more pain than comfort.
Those times are not coming back, Seungyoon thinks bitterly, I’m no longer smiling. And you in those memories, you’re just fading away.
“Don’t let me…”
He closes his eyes, only to meet a familiar smile becoming more blurred with each passing day. His heart feels like a sack of stone that won't let him breathe freely, won't let him breathe at all.
Even though I'm right here waiting you never look at my way
You don't even know my heart
Where you go, I follow
My life is a shadow
I just wanna be close to you...
“Hey, what are you dreaming of?”
Familiar hands shake his arms. Seungyoon yawns while he slowly opening his eyes. He likes the view that spreads before his eyes a lot.
“Why are you so curious?” He asks, staring right back at Mino's smiling face and yawns again. Their debut is so close. He has been working without a break for the last twenty-eight hours, he can barely keep his eyes open.
“Was it about me?” Mino jokes, making himself comfortable on the sofa next to Seungyoon.
“Maybe?” He teased back, leaning closer to the rapper. He’s still sleepy and in his clouded mind, Mino’s chest looks like best pillow in the world. Warm and soft.
“Got you a coffee.” Mino replies letting him rest his head on his lap. He gives him a worried look that Seungyoon wants to kiss out of him. He's always so worried about him, always there to listen to him or just share a silence with. He's so present in Seungyoon's world, he can't remember how a world without him was like. Mino is like the music that starts to play so beautifully, it becomes impossible to settle down to a silence filled world.
He doesn't want to imagine how it would be without him.
“With double sugar and milk?” He asks letting himself drown in Mino's eyes a little longer than usual. He likes the butterflies they make him feel.
“Sure, sure.” Mino pats his head with affection. Seungyoon wonders if in such a close proximity, can Mino hear his fast heartbeats. What if he does? Maybe his heart beats just as fast.
“Aish, won’t you lean a little closer? Won’t you?” He nags, letting his sleepy heart taking control over his reasonable mind.
“Why?” Mino starts smiling, but only before Seungyoon’s hands do their magic and grabs him by his t-shirt's collar to lock their lips in a kiss. Only when he feels Mino’s lips tasting like coffee does alarms in Seungyoon’s head explode.
He opens his eyes in an instant to meet Mino’s shocked ones. And instantly, a thought formed in his mind. “Now or never.”
He has been struggling with those emotions for so long. He waited for so long. He tried to deny them, but they share this chemistry. It's not only him. He affects Mino's presence as intensely as well, he can tell by the way Mino is stealing glances at him when he thinks he's not watching.
It's by those small touches they share that leave burning traces on their skins, by the close distance they find so comfortable to share. So now he closes his eyes and lets the kiss last longer. He moves his lips in desperate attempt to feel Mino responding to his movement, but with every passing second it becomes clearer he is not. Eventually he stops.
He lets go of Mino shirt with trembling hands. His heart beating so fast, he's scared it might burst out of his chest. With eyes still closed, he is waiting for anything from Mino - a response, a kiss, a sentence - anything.
Slowly, silence becomes more unbearable and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the man in front of him. In the same moment, Mino jumps out of his seat like he had been burnt, causing Seungyoon to hit himself at back of the sofa with his head. Seconds later, all he hears is the sound of closing doors yet hey still can't silent the sound of his breaking heart.
Well Seungyoon, now you just outdid yourself, he thinks, as tears are about to fall, way to go, high five yourself for breaking your friendship and the team.
“Hey.” He hears Seunghoon walking into the room. “What did you do to Mino? He looks like he saw a ghost or something.”
“Nothing, I will fix it.” Seungyoon says, leaving Seunghoon confused in their recording room. He needs to fix it and fix it as fast as possible though he has no clue as to how he will go about it. He quickly brushes away unwanted tears from his cheeks.
He easily finds Mino on the roof, already smoking a cigarette like he always does when he is ticked off by something. Seungyoon takes a deep breath.
“We need to talk.” He states, coming closer to Mino who steps back, keeping a distance between them.
“Don’t worry I’m not gonna kiss you again.” Seungyoon tries to smile, but fails tremendously under Mino’s unamused gaze. He sees him scanning his face as he notices traces of tears and sees Mino swallows hard, crushing the cigarette with his palm.
“Let's not talk.” Mino responds with a disinterested voice. He’s leaning on the barrier. His body is tense, eyes transfixed on the floor beneath him. For some random observer he might look angry, but Seungyoon knows it’s just a mask. He’s scared. Seungyoon couldn't relate better as he tries to control his shaking hands, but somehow it also gives him hope.
“Let me just say something clearly first." Seungyoon takes a deep breath. "I like you.” He confesses quietly, even though he knows it will hurt. His brain already warned him of the impending, expected answer he will hear, but his heart simply ignores it.
He knows it's true. The thing between them, it's not his delusion, one-sided crush. They share this rare connection. That special bond that wakes him up in the middle of the night, making him unable fall asleep as he hears Mino tossing and turning on his bed as well.
It's scary how Mino is able to connect to the things he hides even from himself.
But as he's watching Mino's arms falling to the sides, how much he wants to hide, how scared he is, Seungyoon decides to not push it any further. He feels Mino's heart, that was broken once before, being terrified it will be broken just again. It needs time. Besides, Seungyoon wouldn't like it any other way.
Wind is playing with their hairs and the sun is shining brightly. It must be them that's causing his eyes to become teary.
“And It’s driving me crazy, you have no idea.” He states trying to smile, but it awfully breaks. He nervously scratches his nape.“ I don’t expect you to like me back." But I do.
"I won’t ask you for anything." But I want to.
"I know it would only complicated things in the band, so...” I’m such a loser for you.
“I won’t confess to you ever again. I’m no longer that type of guy.” He stops momentarily.
“ I never told this to anyone, but back in the high school I had this guy that I liked. He rejected me seven times. For seven times, he rejected me, seven heartbreaks. It was love, I kept telling myself. I thought back then that I can persuade someone to love me if I tried hard enough, but then only music stayed with me." Seungyoon swallows hard.
“Seven times?” Mino asks, looking up at Seungyoon.
“You know, I’m quite the persistent guy. Plus, it’s a great number.” Seungyoon clamps his hands on the barriers. His stupid heart is also a really stubborn one.
“But giving up on me only after one try?” Mino glances at him with a bitter smirk. He swears he sees disappointment in his eyes.
“Who says I was going to give up?,” Seungyoon shakes his head helplessly, witnessing sparks yet again appearing in Mino's eyes, How could I when like an ink, you’ve already tattooed yourself on every part of my skin? “I wanted to say that I'm ready... I'm ready to give my heart another chance. I will wait for you to do the same."
“Seungyoon...” Mino gently whispers, minimizing the gap between them, his palms softly lifting his chin so their eyes could meet.
“I like you.” He confesses. “In the past, I had someone I confessed my love to for a hundred times. So if you think you’re a loser, I’m a bigger one.” Mino smiles sadly. “I think he kind of loved me, in his own way… Doesn’t it sound pathetic?”
He tries to laugh, but all that comes out is an empty sound. Seungyoon finds his hurt aching. Maybe they’re the same. Same losers when it comes to love.
"Thing is, it all ended really badly. And the worst part is I should have predicted it from the start. What I’m trying to say is, it's all broken and I'm not sure it will work again.” He points at his chest. His eyes clouded with sadness.
“I told you, I can wait for you to want this too.” Seungyoon slowly nods his head. " And your heart..." He rests his hand on Mino's chest. "Let's slowly repair it piece by pieces..."
“I can't tell how much time it might take me...” Mino says in a small, broken voice and Seungyoon can't stop himself from embracing him.
"I will wait." Seungyoon repeats, feeling Mino's hands landing on his waist. His chin resting on his head.
He will wait, he knows his own heart at least that much. And time - it doesn't matter. They can wait. They have many years to spend together. For a longer moment they stay in each other's embraces, unmoving, unable to let go of the other's warmness.
Seungyoon sniffs Mino's neck, the smell of it becoming more and more familiar. He closes his eyes.
He likes him.
Too much.
So they return to sharing coffees together, staying long in the studio talking about everything and nothing at all. During those times when he is quietly playing his guitar – and almost like magic, their conversations turned into songs. Thousand of melodies of their blossoming love.
You're taking my heart, by storm
I'm lost in your love, lost in your love
I can't hold back anymore
I'm lost in your love, lost in your love
They finished their first concert as Winner. Winner – Seungyoon repeats the word in his mind to taste it once more - the sweet taste of their beginning. All of them lay down on the stage with their heads in the center of the circle they built with their bodies. They didn't say a single word to each other. They felt the strength of the unity they had built together and the feeling required no words to explain it.
Seungyoon smiles warmly, staring at the ceiling. He is tired as hell yet he's still so happy. For the first time in his life, he isn't alone. He is part of something and now, he has a family of his own to protect.
It's just the beginning of their era. The first step on the right path.
And soon, it's beginning to turn into a habit of theirs to lay like that, like a ritual they treasured.
A ritual of unity that needed no words but only feelings.
They are slowly getting ready to leave after they successfully finished their performance. Seungyoon bid the managers goodbye and goes straight to the dressing room. Taehyun is still cleaning his make-up, staring at his own reflection in the mirror.
Seunghoon is already sleeping on the couch, with his head on Jinwoo’s lap with latter being busy playing on his phone. Seungyoon scans the room once again.
One of the members is missing.
The one he wants to share this moment of joy with the most. He goes out of the room in search of Mino. Slowly, he directs his steps towards the now vacant stage. For some people looking at an empty space - a portrait of abandoned chairs and unsettling silence - would be overwhelming, maybe even depressing but for Seungyoon, it only gives him more motivation to make all those people, who once sat there, to come and listen to them again in the future.
Amidst such a desolate scene, he easily spots a lonely figure laying on the center of the stage's floor.
“Yah, lazy , Song Mino.” He comes closer and playfully kicks him on the hip.
“Nice to see you too, nagging Kang Seungyoon.” Comes the answer from the person on the floor.
Mino doesn’t even open his eyes, he merely smiles. It's those tiny remarks that they exchanged with each other, the action that Seungyoon feels is exclusively theirs that makes them happy. And they wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Mind if I ask what do you think you’re doing?” He asks with curiosity. He managed to learn a lot of things about Mino, yet it still feels as though he is a puzzle for him to solve - an enigma.
Although he doesn't mind to discover it, in small, random moments, as the days goes by. Piece by piece without rushing because after all, the most beautiful puzzles takes time to be pieced together.
“Lie down and see for yourself.”
Seungyoon hesitates a little. What is going on inside that head of his?
“Stop overthinking and just lie down next to me, damn it.” For the first time Mino, opens his eyes to look directly at him. He smiles gently. It’s not like Seungyoon could ever say no to those pair warm eyes, especially when they gaze at him that way.
“Okay. I’m down, next to you.” He says, lying down albeit feeling rather uncomfortable. They were still people working around them after all. But as it was Mino beside him it didn't seem so awful to make a little fool of himself.
“Just listen.”
Seungyoon closes his eyes in the same way Mino does and tries to catch the sound, but all he hears is his heart beating rapidly and some noises from the cleaning staff.
“I can’t hear anything.” He complains. His back is starting to hurt, he is tired, and he is really trying hard not to stare at Mino’s fine profile under his eyelids.
His long eyelashes. Jesus, with closed eyes he looks so good.
Seungyoon bites his lower lip. It is a simple truth to him, almost a fact, that if the world is a picture, Mino will always be the standout character in the picture and everything else becomes blurred.
“Listen.” Mino repeats, too involved in his own world to notice Seungyoon’s inner fight.
And then Seungyoon hears it. In the beginning, it quiet before growing increasingly louder, and with the tapping of Mino’s knuckles on the floor, he hears it. All through Mino’s little knocks, he can hear the rhythm of Jinwoo’s steps during the concert – those nervous but steady steps, or fast ones of Taehyun, before changing into a wilder, erratic steps that belonged to Seunghoon, and finally his own quick, but controlled steps.
Seungyoon opens his eyes. Somehow he finally knows what Mino is doing here. He is reliving their concert, no, he is still in that moment, refusing to allow the energy they created right on this stage to disappear. He is in his own world and has only let Seungyoon experiences a tiny fragment that world.
It takes a few moments for Seungyoon to realize that tears streaked his cheeks. Here, in his eyes Mino is becoming music, the soul of the music, beautiful, wild, out of control. He blushes, listening to Mino humming their songs, still tapping, vibrating in synergy with the energy of the stage. Slowly, he places his hands under his cheek and closed his eyes drowning in Mino’s world.
It's perfect. It' s music. No, it's better than music. It's all Mino and if someone asks him, when did he know that he had fallen in love with Mino, it's clear for him that it's in this very moment that he falls in love with Mino. And when he finally opens his eyes again, he found pair of dark orbs staring back at him and thought maybe, he isn’t the only one feeling that way.
It takes them less than a second to press their lips together. This time both of them trying desperately to satisfy the hunger they both felt for all those months. They deepen the kiss to let tongues play the game.
Mino tastes like rock ballad, plucking all the strings of his heart.
Don’t break it… That is the only wish Seungyoon had.
“I love you” those three words are constantly playing in Seungyoon’s mind as of late. Seungyoon had never been in a relationship before he met Mino. He was never this close to anyone and as a matter of fact, he also never shared so many things with anyone.
It's new and out of control, this feeling. And for the first time in his life, it isn't bothering him much either. They are together for 236 days to be exact and honestly, it isn’t rose paved road, but he couldn’t help it and finds himself smiling every time he looks at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee already made for him, the way he likes it.
Or when he feels a morning kiss landing on his cheek, when he plays guitar as he observes Mino’s sleeping figure on his bed. Only those three words are lacking. To Seungyoon, with those three words, he would be able to express all that is still unspoken between them. Like those words are already prepared behind his lips, waiting for its time to be uttered and seal the deal.
But while his heart is taking slow, confident steps, Mino's heart is still struggling on its way to him, haunted by the ghosts of his pasts.
Past wounds that seem to open itself wider at each opportunity it has so they can remind Mino how much it hurts.
When they break into a huge quarrel after Mino acted, just again, recklessly jealous over him, Seungyoon finds himself to be at the edge of his patience
“What are you accusing me of?! Why won’t you believe me?!” Seungyoon shouts with a trembling voice. Why don't you believe in us?
"ing tried to!"
“Then try again, cause I did nothing and you’re treating me like !” Seungyoon snaps the door behind him. He doesn't want to continue any of this and frankly, he's tired of this nonsense.
“You flirted with him!," He hears Mino shouting from the hall. It's like the last straw.
“You’re insane! I didn’t. you, by the way. If you want to break up with me, find a better excuse other than this lame .” Seungyoon has enough. He is a patient guy, but he has his limits as well. His heart will be always Mino’s, but with each cut it’s bleeding a little too much.
“I said nothing about breaking up, but you want to break up?” He hears Mino's voice loosing all the strength it once held. He can almost feel his hand lean on the door frame. He waits for him to open the door. Mino can’t let go of him, no matter how scared and hurt he is by his past, his broken heart still clings to him.
“Of course I don’t want to but you don’t trust me.” Seungyoon states honestly, opening the door.
Yes, he wants them to be together, but he can't be the only one working here. Any relationship takes two.
“I’m just… in the past…” Mino stuttered helplessly, searching for Seungyoon's eyes, as if a look in the eyes could express all the things he couldn't say.
Okay, now that's a good start.
“Hey, I’m not that guy. I will never cheat on you. Look, I love you." And just like that, those three words naturally rolls on Seungyoon's tongue. "But it's hard to do so if you're not putting a little faith in me."
“I trust you.” Mino whispers. Seungyoon scoffs and can't help but to elbow him lightly.
“Okay, I want to trust you.” Mino corrects himself. “ It’s just that... I saw you with him laughing…" he fidgets nervously, nibbling with his fingers. He's really not the type of guy to easily admit he was jealous, but Seungyoon's not making it easier for him. He was still hurt, right at his core. "You were smiling at him…”
“Dummy." He sighs. "I will never smile at anyone like I smile at you. You’re the only one on my mind. Remember that next time.” Seungyoon pecks his lips.
“I’m sorry.” Mino says shyly, kissing away tears still visible on Seungyoon's cheeks. Maybe they are building everything over broken pieces, but who’s to say they can't turn it into something stronger and more beautiful.
“I love you…” Seungyoon confesses again when they're laying on the bed. "I love you..." he likes the sound of those words. "I love you..."
“Let’s not do this…” Mino stops him. He stares him right in the eyes. There’s that sadness present in those eyes, a sadness Seungyoon never has the privilege of measuring its depths. “Let’s not say those three words… I’m sorry… I was too broken by them…”
Here, Mino is almost crying. Who broke your heart so much?, Seungyoon can't help but wonder. Who broke you so much that those words feels like a curse to you than a medicine? Mino’s pain, naturally, starts becoming his own, as he feels his heart aching.
“Let speak this without words… Let me prove to you without saying those words.” Mino points at their tangled hands. “ Let it be enough..."
Seungyoon gently squeezes his hand.
“How could it not be?” He answers with affection, kissing Mino’s temple. After all, this is what matters. Words are a passing, fleeting thing and sometimes, we forget them but with him, with Mino, by his side, words can off.
I let you with say them like this, with soft touches and silent whispers, with tender movements and gentle reassurances. I don’t mind, I really don’t. I know one day, I will hear you say them sincerely, without fear, without being hurt, so those times won’t matter at all. So those times won’t hurt at all.
They can prove each other’s love the best ways they can. Every day. Every day for the rest of their lives they can repeat them again and again.
They’re sitting on his hospital bed. Slowly, this room is becoming more and more familiar, engraving itself in his daily routine. It makes Seungyoon feels nervous.
Fourteen more days, he keeps repeating in his head. They have a good chances; 80%. It’s going to be cured once and for all.
But that missing 20% is driving him crazy because in that missing, mysterious 20% there is… the end…
“Hey, stop overthinking.” Mino says and pokes his cheek, a childish, innocent smile gracing his face. He's constantly smiling, no matter how bad he feels and almost like magic, Seungyoon’s worries fade away.
He’s going to make it. We’re going to make it. There's no other option.
“You look you're having constipation when you’re worried, you know.”
“Shut up and eat.” Seungyoon responds, elbowing him lightly. “You haven’t eat a single spoon.” He nags at him, as always. He worries so much.
“But see how good I look.” Mino says it as a joke, but their hearts hurt. He’s already lost so much weight and he doesn’t look like someone who’s healing at all. It make Seungyoon’s stomach feel like they're tied in knots.
“Besides, you should feed me.” Mino shamelessly pouts.
“I’m not feeding you.” Seungyoon warns, already knowing what’s going to happen. It happens every day. It’s like a routine they hold on to.
“But you did it yesterday, and the day before…” Mino does all those cute faces.
“Stop making those noises.” Seungyoon tries to cover his face with the pillow. He’s not cute. He’s dumb. He’s not charming at all. Still, it does make his cheeks blush and his heart beating faster than usual.
“Try to stop me.” He dares him, pouting again, waiting for a kiss.
Seungyoon mercilessly puts a spoonful of food into his mouth instead, shutting him up. As Mino tries to protest, he clashes their lips with a soft kiss.
“ Happy?” Seungyoon asks after Mino is done swallowing his food.
“You know, I actually like this brutal side of you.” He says, smirking. “When we’re home maybe we should play with some toy…”
“End this sentence Song Mino, and I swear to God, I’m gonna kick your .” He threatens him with a spoon and face in all shades of red.
“Yeah, still like it.” He winks at him shamelessly. Seungyoon can’t help but to throw a pillow at him. He knows that they both laugh a little too hard, smile a little too bright, talk a little too much to hide how hard is for both of them.
How helpless and frightened they feel facing Mino's illness.
How useless Seungyoon feels when he sees him getting weaker and weaker with every passing day and he can't change it. He can only stare and it drives him insane.
How much he tries not to think about the worst, but like an unwanted melody, fear is playing in his head mercilessly, waking him up from his sleep.
How thankful he is for every spoon of food Mino is swallowing, knowing perfectly he doesn't want to eat anything. But he's doing it anyway for Seungyoon so he doesn't worry, and Seungyoon is always there during his meal time to make him eat, to praise how good he's doing.
And we pray together. We pray that it all will pass, that pain will fade away, that we’ll go home.
Fourteen more days.
They past all the same. Every day when they’re parting, counting.
“One day to go.” As they join their foreheads together, finally they smile.
We left the hospital next day.
“But your family…” Seungyoon tries to persuade him, when they’re taking the elevator up to their apartment.
“I already bid goodbye to them at hospital. We'll meet tomorrow. They understand.” He’s not stopping, kissing his neck yet he already feel waves of hotness rushing through all of his body. It feels almost like their first time - all over again, and discovering each other’s self and secrets.
“What about the members, they’re waiting for you.” Seungyoon tries to find his keys, not breaking the kiss.
How I missed it… How I missed him…How good it feels…
“I already spoke with Seunghoon. They'll leave us alone for tonight.” Mino says, finally pushing the doors open.
“So you prepared everything…” Seungyoon laughs a little, taking off his coat with Mino's help.
“Sure thing…” He smiles teasingly, biting Seungyoon's bottom lip and tugging at his hair.
“Let me prepare some meal for us…” He suggests suddenly, heading towards kitchen, only to be grabbed by a pair arms and thrown on the bed in his room.
“No meals, I’m only eating you tonight.” He says, joining Seungyoon on the bed and he giggles, feeling giddy.
“Who says that?” I challenge, sitting on his lap taking off my shirt with rush.
It was the worst they've ever had. They were both emotionally and physically exhausted. However, it didn’t matter at all. They were both so happy to finally be at home.
We went through all of this. We can finally put it behind us. We survived.
“I missed this.” Mino whispers into Seungyoon's ear as he cuddles him in his arms. "I missed us."
“I missed it too.” Seungyoon says, he too once was worried they might not have it again. There were times he was losing himself, worried that he might lose Mino and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it but they're here now.
Tonight, Seungyoon stopped measuring time in large scales, one breathe, one kiss, one touch. It's enough. It's perfect.
Seungyoon plays with their intertwined fingers. His hands are so small, so warm, and it fits with his so well.
“Can’t we stay like this forever?” Mino asks naively, hugging him closer as if he's scared that if he isn't holding Seungyoon tight enough, he might disappear and this might end.
And Seungyoon understands the core source of this fear.
That unspoken threat they faced in all those days. But we survived. That’s all that matters.
Seungyoon closes his eyes, listening to the song playing in the radio…
So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
"Let's stay like this forever" He answer in his head, kissing Mino's hand.
Now you kiss my cheek
Soft and bittersweet
I can read it in your eyes
Baby, this is our goodbye
Seungyoon smiles brightly looking at the box he is holding in his hands. The two silver rings within it catches its first warm sunrays. Spring is blossoming around them and so is Seungyoon’s heart. Today, they will celebrate Mino’s birthday. It’s time to make another step in their relationship.
They experienced a lot in the last few months. Constant insecurity, nervousness, fear.
They need some good memories to cover the bad ones, he thinks, sighing. As much as it seems as though everything is going back to normal, he has this constant feeling under his skins that something is wrong.
Every time he asked Mino if he’s alright, he would brush away his worries. They are okay, yet, he is the one looking for the hole, the missing part.
He bites his lip. Not today. Not anymore, he decides looking again at the rings.
Those are the promise. The promise of a lifetime. His phone buzzes. He looks at the screen seeing YG’s lawyer as the caller and picks up the phone.
Hours later, he is surrounded by managers and lawyers. He doesn’t listen to them at all. Their words are breaking the puzzle which is the last months with Mino. Piece by piece, it falls down, leaving him blank. Nothing matches anything anymore. He excuses himself, feeling anger slowly growing in him.
“I’m alright.”
“You worry too much.”
“I’m okay.”
“I’m part of the Winner till the day I die.”
“I’m coming back with you.”
“I’m not leaving you ever again.”
All those words were just lies, meant to feed his idea that Mino is indeed getting better but Mino is sicker than before. He is no longer a part of Winner. They are not alright.
He opens the door to their apartment, slamming the door behind him. He runs towards Mino, room kicking his half opened door.
“Seungyoon…” Mino is surprised but smiling. He stands in the middle of the room, with a blue hoodie in his hands. Like nothing happened. This er. His expression drops when he sees Seungyoon’s face.
Initially, Seungyoon wants to speak but only incoherent words, resembling growls of anger, comes out of his throat. He clamps his fist so strong, he feels his nail cutting into his flesh.
“You er!" He shouts, finally pointing his finger at Mino.
“You son of a ! You damn liar! ! ! What have you done?! You er!” He shakes his head, unable to stand still. He wants to punch him, he wants to hug him, he wants to curse at him, he wants to cry - all at once - it feels like a tsunami of different, conflicted emotions hitting him simultaneously.
“That’s what we all meant to you? you! That’s all we have? Really, did you just ing lie to me? Why did you not tell me? , , ! You even signed the deal! What do we do with it? You do realize in your stupid mind though, that I will need to move ing Heaven and Hell to annul it? Dammit you idiot.”
Seungyoon finally stops to take a breath.
“We are not annulling anything.” Mino states coldly. In the blink of an eye, his features are becoming sharp as he stiffs his body. Suddenly, he doesn’t look like the Mino Seungyoon knew. Not with those cold as ice eyes.
“I did what I did.” He simply says staring right at Seungyoon. “ I did it for myself. I need a break.” He nonchalantly puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
“You should have told me this!” His feels like someone is just jumping on his heart squishing it to the ground.
“Why? Because you’re a leader? For God's sake, I can decide on my own.” Mino throws at him with a sarcastic laugh.
That is not Mino, he thinks, this is not Mino. Not his Mino. We are together. I’m not a leader. I’m far more. Right, Mino?
“That’s not my point.” Seungyoon breaks the silence, finding his own voice unnaturally calm. The calm before the storm.
“Your only point is that something's got out of your control and you can’t stand it.” Mino shrugs his arms. They’re only meters away but it’s seems like a deep abyss stands between them.
“Stop talking to me like an when you’re the one screwing things up. You lied to me! You lied to me and told me you’re okay!” Seungyoon accuses him.
You didn’t share your pain with me. You excluded me so easily from your world, he thinks.
“So what? You’re gonna cry? Would it change anything? Ah sorry, I took away your “I’m so pitiful” parade.” Mino mocks him.
“What the ?” He asks. Seungyoon blinks so fast so as to not let the tears drop. He isn’t going to give him that satisfaction.
“Oh, come on, you love to play I’m so sad, my boyfriend is in the hospital, I can’t do it, but cry. You just love the attention.”
“Shut up! What the is wrong with you? It’s no longer in your leg but it spreads to your brain?” Seungyoon is only seconds apart from punching him.
“Maybe you want to?” Mino cruelly asks, leaning closer to Seungyoon. Earlier he would love to feel his breath on his skin. Now, all he wants is for him to disappear.
“I’m leaving.” He states nonchalantly, taking a few steps back. “When I come back, we will talk again. After you pull head out of your . I’m not having this conversation right now.”
“Well, thank you for your wise words, control king Seungyoon. It always needs to go down your way. Like if you won’t plan every damn thing, the world would just stop running. Well, wake up, the world doesn’t give a damn about you!”
“And you?” Seungyoon asks, his voice cracking, "Do you care about us? Do you care about me?"
“What do you think?” Mino says, not looking at him. “Why haven’t I said those three words to you? Because I never felt this way towards you. I never fell in love with you. So I guess we’re done here.” He ends.
“ you!”
Seungyoon throws box of rings at Mino running away from the apartment. Tears are running down his cheeks but he couldn’t care less.
His heart. He want to rip it all away, shred it into a million tiny pieces so that maybe, if they cease to exist, he would cease to feel.
And not feeling may lessen this excruciating, unbearable pain.
As night falls he lies down on his bed. His guitar slumped away or more like, thrown away at a corner of his room.
It’s not helping. Music can’t make it right. Music is now Mino.
And he can’t separate them anymore. Not when all those words are running through his head. Every word he said is cutting their love apart.
Was it even love? Maybe he is the only one foolishly thinking that what they had was love… He shakes his head.
This is not happening.
This must be a dream. You’re not this person, Mino. And you’re not sick. And you haven’t abandon me.
He cries into the pillow.
And as his mind play tricks on him, he thinks he hears Mino cry too.
I’m trying not to let go of your hands
I’m trying to erase the nightmares
I’m trying so hard
In this place where I trapped myself
….
In the night sky that I can’t touch
I see you turning back
Making me escape from the exhausted days
Making it into a picture
I’m sorry, I say as I hold onto you
Don’t go far away, I call out to you
In the sadness that I can’t ever see again
Tears fall again
It’s past midnight when Seungyoon returns to their apartment. He signed a new deal with YG. All the members wanted to cut their profits to make YG change his mind and let Mino stay as a member of the group. As Seungyoon negotiate with him, to his surprise all that was needed was for him to become YG’s slave for the next five years. At least that’s how the deal appeared to him.
He won’t be able to leave the company and frankly, it didn’t really matter to him. And no one needs to know about this anyway. It’s the next five years they will spend together.
He told the members he managed to change YG’s mind out of sympathy for Mino’s condition. It seems like Seunghoon doesn’t buy the story, but he remains silent. Slowly, he opens the door to Mino’s bedroom.
He feels his heart beating so loud. It’s scared.
He’s scared of what might come next, of what will happen to them. He is still hurt by Mino's words, but doesn’t believe they’re true. His heart is a stubborn one, but he knows he's right.
“You’re a fool,” Seungyoon whispers, slipping under Mino’s sheets. He kisses his nape gently, wrapping his arms around his waist. He feels how his body tenses under his touch. “You’re a fool, you know.” He repeats to his ear.
You’re a fool trying to protect me. You’re a fool trying to protect all of them, thinking it’s better for them to dream without him. You’re such a fool choosing to deal with all of it alone. You’re such a fool thinking I would be able to ever leave your side.
“But I can’t let you go.”
Mino turns around to face him, his eyes apologetic and scared.
“Seungyoon…” He starts, trying to push him away, but his hands are weak.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I have only 12% chance." Mino confesses, his eyes b with tears. “You deserve far more than 12%.”
Seungyoon smiles through his own tears. He opens his palm in which hid those rings.
“But it’s our 12%.” He pecks Mino’s lips while putting one of them on his finger. “We’re 12%. It’s all we need.” He says.
You might not believe in I love you. Maybe those words are way too overrated. Maybe we don’t need them at all. All we need is us. I love you.
“12%.” Mino repeats, taking the remaining ring and putting it on Seungyoon’s finger. I love you too.
You left your home
You're so far from everything you know
Your big dream is crashing down and out your door
Wake up and dream once more
Come back I'll help you stand
Let go and hold my hand
If all you wanted was me, I'd give you nothing less
So come back when you can...
Seungyoon sighs, looking at Mino’s sleeping figure on the bed. He still hasn’t woken up from his coma after the operation. It’s already been so many days and each passing day makes it harder and harder for Seungyoon to breathe properly.
“You know, today’s our 300th day together anniversary.” He starts, gently caressing Mino’s cheek. He talks to him like they always had, like he would, spring up - all cheerful - and answer.
“Bet you’d forget about it. You always forget about many things.” He tries to sound mad, but his voice crushes over the pain his heart feels.
“But I don’t mind it that much. You will make it up to me on the next one, right?" He adds with a crumbling smile.
“You always joke about how I’m making too many plans, that I planned all my life. And hey, you’re right, I planned it all, with one exception and that is you.” Seungyoon leans his head against his chest. Slowly counting his heartbeat. One, two, three…
“I can’t tell you when exactly I found you in it. Frankly speaking, you’re now the most important part of it. Aren’t you curious of what I have planned for us?” He asks, moving his hand on his chest. His arms used to be his save haven.
“Just don’t tell anyone alright? It will be our secret. Between you and me.” He giggles a little at his own foolishness.
"On our 600th day anniversary, we will go back to Japan again. To that restaurant you loved. We will play all day on the beach. I remember you said you would want to live near the ocean. Or you just said it because I wanted to?” Slowly, he closes his eyes holding Mino’s hand tightly.
“On our 1000th day anniversary we will move out to our own house. A house with big, clear windows and it'll be near the beach. It will have an art studio just like you always wished to have. You'll wake me up with the coffee I love every morning and every evening, I will play my guitar for you. We'll get a cat and a dog. You'll sneeze all the time but refuse to give them away. I'll make you laugh, playing with them every time you feel down."
"On our 2000 day together, we'll get married. You won’t hold your tears while listening to my wedding vow and I won’t be able to take my eyes off you as I will see you in a handsome white suit. You'll finally be mine – and I’m yours. Forever. It’s going to be our best memory."
"On our 3000 day together, we'll remove ourselves from YG and start our own thing. We'll be free to create the music we want. On our 20,000 day together, we'll be sitting near the fire place. We'll have albums with pictures, our memories, our lives. And as I look up to your face I will still find in them those sparks I saw on the day we met.” His voice crumbles awfully.
“You see I have it all planned. So please… Come back to me, so we can fulfil it. Slowly, step by step… You and me…" Tears slowly falls from his eyes, onto his cheeks. “I know you don’t like to hear it and you sure don’t like my counting habit but…
I love you…
in every hour, every minute, every passing second… “
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
As the news of Mino waking up from his coma reaches him, he leaves everything behind and makes for the hospital. Nervously, he stays in front of the doors, waiting.
The door slowly opens and he holds his breath. He stays in the back, unsure where he belongs anymore and too scared of the things he might see. But then he’s there.
Mino is sitting on the bed. He’s searching through all the faces only to stops at his. As their eyes met all his fears disappear, evaporating into thin air and hopefully, never to return.
“S…yoon.” Mino says in small voice.
As he runs into his arms, he kisses him time and time again. For every day he was gone, for making him so scared, for every hurt, for all the hidden tears.
He kisses it all away.
“Twelve percent.” He says breathlessly. I love you, I love you too much. My heart can’t make it without you.
“Twelve percent.” Mino repeats with tears falling from his eyes. Or maybe those are Seungyoon’s. I love you.
They don’t need to say anything more. They know it all.
I look out the window. It's already summer. Your favorite season is here. It seems almost surreal that it was only last year, at the same time, we were in Japan, playing on the beach. We were so happy, laughing till we couldn't catch our breath, nearly suffocating in that euphoric moment. Your kisses tasted like the salty sea but also sweet as we played in the water. We promised to come back there one day.
Now, we're in a blank white hospital room. I no longer hear your laugh. Your kisses taste bitter and metallic - just as chemotherapy running through your veins.
We're no longer promising anything.
"Sing for me." Mino asks gently, squeezing my hand. He's barely awake as he finished yet another treatment just moments earlier. I smile a little. It's all I can do. I can only sing for you hoping it will take you to better times.
"I felt it instinctively that you will be my lover. I can’t forget the shiver that went through me, the first time I laid my eyes on you." I start, observing little sparks appearing again in your eyes. It's such a rare view these days, those sparks. They're almost similar to treasures that I need to find and after toiling so much just to elicit it from you, I want nothing more than to save those sparks.
You squeeze my hand harder as the pain comes. Your eyes darken again. You're no longer screaming as pain fulfils all your world, you just let it sink in, only clenching your teeth. You're not complaining, you never said you regret this choice, even during the worst times. You're strong while I'm tearing apart at the seams with each passing second.
"I want to live," that was your only confession when you chose that one last chance instead of peace and time. "I want to live for you." You repeated and I couldn't find it in myself to change your mind, because I too live for you and I can't let you go.
Like a fool, I cling to this last chance; the chance that your pain will be all worth it, that you will stay.
"Whether it will be the greatest love of my life, or the beginning of a crazy love… We could only find out after we try it. Shall we begin our love now?" I continue, gently caressing your cheek. I silently pray for it to go away, for me to take it away, for us to survive. You're not letting go of my hand until you fell asleep. Rings are shining on our fingers.
I'm scared thinking of how much longer? How much longer will this suffering last? How much longer will you have the strength to fight against it? We all know that all battles need the end; either in victory or in death. Don’t leave me behind. I beg of you don’t leave me.
As those thoughts corner me, haunting me, I shiver from fear. I kiss you goodnight, praying it's not the last time.
I sit on one of the chairs pretending to be asleep. I can’t stand watching Mino so exhausted, so pale, so in pain. He’s not doing good and we’re both silent about it. We’re too scared. We just pretend that every time we kiss, as I walk away from your room, that we don’t feel like it is goodbye. It’s torture. It’s unbearable. It’s makes me scream, when no one’s around. Why is my love not enough to save you?
“I’m so sorry Seungyoon.” Mino breaks the silence. I sit still, not budging, pretending that I’m sleeping. I don’t know why but I can’t open my eyes, I can't gaze upon that face.
“I’m so sorry… for everything…" He cries and my heart fills with pain.
Don’t be a dummy, I wanted to say. Don’t be sorry. We can make it up in the future. We can make all the hurt disappear. But I’m not saying a single word.
”You should have given your heart to someone better than me… I wanted to prove to you how much I...”
You did... Love… You taught me how to love... Every day…
“I’m so sorry for not making it...”
Please, don’t say it. Don’t blame yourself. You did your best. Always. It's not over.
“ I’m sorry for ruining it for us… I thought I could do it. I really do. I still want too… “
We’re going to be fine… There’s still hope… Don’t let go…
“I’m sorry… I can’t even say goodbye to you… Just like a coward, I'm only saying these words to you now… I’m sorry…”
I’m sorry.
I’m just a coward.
I can’t say goodbye…
I feel my eyes swollen by tears that pooled in my eyes.
I stay in silence.
You’re the only person in the world I can’t possibly say goodbye to. This can’t be goodbye.
So I stay, with closed eyes, hearing his quiet, soft cry and within me, in my own heart, I too am crying, countless tears that reminds me of the rain on the first day we met.
It was our last conversation. The following day, his condition worsen. He's intubated, machines surrounding him as though they had always been born attached to him. The sound of the machines doing its work, serving its purpose, are the only sound I’m surrounded with now.
As you open your eyes again and again, fighting to stay with me, I press our foreheads together.
I can’t let you go.
So when I'm summoned to your room, I see you surrounded by doctors and as I hear machines sounds turning into unanimously deep sound, I let the cup of coffee I was holding slip from my hands. Suddenly, I feel like the viewer in a cinema. There are pictures flashing in front of my eyes but not one of them makes any sense.
Your mother desperately clinging to your hands screaming, "My son.. my baby... don't leave me behind..."
Next to her, Danah is so pale, sobbing loudly.
Jinwoo dropping to the floor, unable to take a breath.
Taehyun, as he closes his eyes, unable to look at you, his cheeks covered with tears.
I see it all but it seems unreal, like a fantasy or a scene of a terrible nightmare. I stare even harder to find the mistake in this reality, so I'd have a reason to call it fake. I would be able to wake up from this nightmare.
"We need to take him." I hear a doctor's voice say, and feel his apologetic hand on my shoulder. "He gave his all."
Slowly, I glance at him as the anger starts flashing red in my eyes.
Who the does he think he is to judge that? Who the does he think he is to think that it will make them feel better? Who the does he think he is when he didn't try to save him?
" ! You have no right!" I shouted, grabbing him by the collar. "You need to fix it!" I desperately scream into his face. "You need to bring him back! You need to bring him back!" I repeat, each time more desperate, trying to push him near Mino's bed.. "You hear me, you need to fix this! He wasn't suffering for nothing!"
"So bring him back... " My voice breaks, swallowed by tears. "I beg you... Please bring him back...."
A few moments later, I'm pushed away from him by the personnel, landing helplessly on the floor.
“Bring him back…”
I'm left on the floor as my strength is leaving me, as it’s no longer present, along with the life we shared.
It’s the day of the funeral.
As everyone in the chapel became silent, I’m going forward to the microphone. I slowly head, clad in black, holding my prepared eulogy. It’s not even mine, I didn't even write a single syllable. It was written by a writer hired by YG.
It needs to perfect, he said. A perfect moment so the press could show it again and again but I throw it away on my way to the podium.
Mino is - or was - a living, breathing person not a commodity. He doesn't deserve a cheap, phony eulogy, written to please the public. Instead, he deserves more than that.
He deserves this life, all the love in this world.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think any words could possibly express the loss we’re feeling.” I began before pausing momentarily. I peek a look at your photograph. It's from the moment we won. We won one of our dreams that day. You had so many more dreams to come true, so much more things to achieve, so many unfinished things...
That's why it’s all not real. It can’t be real. You can’t be gone. Please…. Don't go... Don't dream without me...
I swallow hard. “No words can better describe Song Mino than his own. For the musicians, music is all they’re built and made of. Their souls are enchanted in the melodies they create and in melodies, he is still here with us. Mino… wait a little longer, so we can play together again.”
I turn on my phone setting the playlist full of his songs.
There is not a tear coming.
Because it’s not real. Because it can’t be it. Because I’m afraid that if I break, everything will break along with me.
I kiss the rose and slowly place it on your coffin.
This is our last.
This is the goodbye.
I arrive home tearing away black suit from my body as if it's the most disgusting thing I ever touched. I throw it away into the trash bin as I'm unable to continue looking at it.
It only makes me want to throw up. It makes it all real.
I look around my room and everything in it is not right. It already misses your presence. It's too difficult to even breathe in it.
I look at my collection of CD's. I throw it on the floor with one swing. The anger is boiling in me as I look at them, crashing down into pieces. There's no point in keeping them as you're not going to listen to them anyway. I throw away the cross necklace I used to pray to. There's no reason to keep it.
God, he didn't listened to me anyway.
He didn't listen to me when I begged him to take your pain away when you were shivering in my arms. He didn't listen when I told him to take me instead of you. He just took you away and left me with nothing.
I look at the guitar breathing heavily. I take it in my arms, perfectly knowing its texture and I smash it on the wall. And I'm doing it again and again as there's nothing left. There's nothing.
Maybe that’s the worst crime you committed to me.
You became my music, my love, my everything and when you left, so does everything. Now there's only pain and everything I see has been tainted by you and they suffocate me.
Only then do I scream. The scream that seems to not have a beginning and an ending. I don't care if anyone hears it.
“You promised me more than this! You er! you! Hearing me well? YOU.”
You're not there to hear it.
“We should have had more than this. this . We should have had everything!”
So I scream, even more, trying to fulfil the emptiness you left behind in me.
"You should have had more than this…” I crumble.
As the night falls, I lay exhausted on the floor, covered in pieces of things I once held dear.
They're just broken. They're useless. They're left behind. Like me.
Your songs are constantly playing on my phone... as old records of our love... observing as my tears fall.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
It’s been six months since you're gone. 187 day to be exact. 4488 hours.
Seungyoon knows, he counts them all.
He doesn’t want to count them at all.
He needs to pack his things to return them to his parent’s house. It’s his mother’s wish as he spoke with her on the phone.
“It will be better. It’s hard enough for you... Let him come back home.” He just nodded, not finding words to comfort her, to make it easier.
It’s not like he can return to any of them. It's not like by clinging to his things he can make his presence real or summon him out of his grave.
He can only make him less gone. Even for a moment, even for one last embrace.
He starts packing Mino’s things in the silver boxes.
“It’s not just things. Those are our things…”
With every little object he packs, there’s your smile that comes along, warm hug, goodnight kiss…they are all still fresh that he can almost feel them.
“Almost…”
Here's Mino’s favorite shirt. He snuggles his face into it, searching for familiar smell, searching for some proof that Mino was there. Like he wasn’t a dream, easily forgotten once morning comes. Like them, like they were actually touching forever.
But his sweatshirts don't smell like Mino anymore... here he wanted to hold onto those little things desperately, but they’re all just dsappearing...
While tears are falling down his cheeks.
“Mino... Mino..." he keeps calling his name, in voice so cracked, helplessly waiting for an answer that will never come.
With a heavy heart, he takes out another box.
Silver boxes are now what is left from Mino, along with Seungyoon’s broken heart hidden inside of them.
24 boxes.
That’s all.
And an empty room that he’s now laying in without any traces of him.
On one night Seungyoon hears Taehyun coming into Mino’s room, where He’s sleeping now. He smells alcohol from miles before Taehyun sits on the floor next to the bed.
He's drunk, it’s nothing new. And He can’t really find the words to scold him anyway. He feels nothing.
They sit in silence.
“I'm sorry." He turns his head towards Seungyoon. Maybe he is not completely wasted. It feels as though there is a deeper meaning behind his words, exchanged between them.
Taehyun looks at him for a longer time, like he is deeply considering something.
“He said I love you.” Taehyun finally breaks the silence. “Those were his last words. I love you, Seungyoon.” He stops, looking away from me. “ I thought you should know.” He shrugs his arms as he hides his face in them.
Seungyoon only nods. He doesn't say a word. He’s not ready to forgive anything. He’s not ready to ask about anything.
One day he will. One day he will probably punch him in the face. One day maybe he will feel sorry for him.
They sit like that in the darkness.
No more words spoken, no words needed.
Seungyoon sits in the recording room.
“When did it all went so wrong?” he asks Seunghoon who is sitting next to him. He smells like freshly smoked cigarette. He only shrugs his shoulders.
“Maybe it’s exacly how it should go?”
He says after moments of silence.
“Do you think we should end this?” Seungyoon asks after a moment of silence. “Do you think this is the end?”
“Taehyun drinks more than he eats. Jinwoo is in Japan often, unable to stay in the dorms anymore. We both know you haven’t wrote a single song since he’s gone…”
And you’re not dancing anymore too.
You’re not enjoying performing at all. You don’t speak Mino’s name as well. Never. As it’s too much for you.
We’re all broken.
“I wanted to save this. I wanted to save Winner.” He wanted to achieve Mino's dreams. He wanted to find out the bigger meaning behind all of this, any reason. Seungyoon feels tears on his cheeks. He shouldn’t be crying yet it’s all too much.
“We all wanted to… We all wanted to…” Seunghoon’s repeats, putting hand on Seungyoon’s shoulder.
I’m so sorry Mino.
“Don’t…”
I’m sorry I couldn’t protect it. I couldn’t protect any of the things you loved. I couldn’t protect Winner…the members… you…
It’s all just slipping from my hands crushing to pieces.
It's raining heavily, but it couldn’t stop him. He laid on the wet stage, empty chairs surrounding him. Like old times.
He closed his eyes. It's scary. He feels like a stranger, who's trying to fit in, but failing. He's still discovering the boundaries of this new reality without…
“Me?”
It's hard for his heart to get into the rhythm of the here and now. He tries to listen, but only rain drops are echoing everywhere, nothing more.
“Try to really listen.”
Maybe I should end my career as a soloist? What’s the point anyway? It's already a year after Winner disbanded. He's the only one that stayed under YG and even got his solo album released. Full of songs he didn’t write. Music is no longer in him.
“I can’t hear it. I can’t hear it at all…” he repeats, again and again, in his mind.
“Don’t…”
“I want to find the traces of you, even here, even in the music we used to share, but… here you are gone too.”
“I’m gone…”
The familiar sounds of tapping and humming are disappearing from his memory so quickly, exchanged with cold silence. Seungyoon splashes the water with his fists. He's so angry. The anger that is still in him.
It's stupid, him lying on the empty stage under the pouring rain. He's stupid for thinking maybe in doing his thing, he will find him. He won't feel so abandoned and lonely. But it's only breaking him more and more as the rain keeps falling.
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I'll love you long after you're gone.
It’s been five years.
It’s been five years since you’re gone.
“You miss me…”
You have no idea.
Today we’re here together. Four of us. Laying on the sand in the circle, our heads almost touching. We’re here together, Mino, for you. We miss you together.
You should have been here watching Jinwoo’s movies. He is now a true star. He still reads books out loud when he thinks no one knows. I know he reads them to you.
Here under the sky full of stars he is holding Seunghoon’s hand. It’s been a year since they are together. You would be happy to see them finding love. I believe he is the reason Seunghoon started to dance again. His clothes brand is doing so well.
We're always pushing him towards designing. It’s just with every joke he tells, I see him waiting for your laugh to come and when it’s nowhere to be heard, I see his smile breaking in the corners. He still smokes the same cigarettes you did. When he exhales, he closes his eyes, as if to listen to what you would still have to say.
I look with the corners of my eyes at Taehyun. He spread his arms like a kid trying to catch the stars. Maybe in those stars above us, he is searching for you. For your eyes that he is longing to see. There’s your name tattooed on his fingers. He’s no longer drinking. He’s composing again. He's slowly opening to love too.
And me…
I miss you the most in the little things we shared. I miss you in the coffee that is no longer waiting for me. I miss you when I hear someone’s loud laugh. I can’t help but turn around to see if it is you. I miss you in the songs we recorded together, as they start playing and there’s no one to rap your parts.
I finally miss you when I wake up in the morning and there’s no one beside me. I miss you so much, while living in the house near the beach, feeding my dog, fulfilling an extra cup of coffee no one’s going to drink, thinking it all could be ours.
Maybe I’m not moving on, because I never really bid goodbye to you. It’s true. I can’t say goodbye, as I will always keep you in my heart, as you will always stay in the music we made.
There’s no longer hurt in the rings that are hanging on my neck. They are my reminder of what we once promised - to be happy. And hope is rising in my heart.
I take my guitar and I start to play. Slow melody flies into the sky. It takes a moment for me to start singing, joined soon by the others. We don’t know the words, we’re making them on the spot.
We decided to become Winner again.
We don’t know what the future will bring to us…
But I’m sure…
One day Mino…
We will be together again…
I felt it instinctively
that you will be my lover.
I can’t forget the shiver that went through me,
the first time I laid my eyes on you.
THE END
Song list:
EPIK HIGH – 1 MINUTE 1 SECOND
EVERY SINGLE DAY – ECHO
EPIK HIGH – WITH YOU
LADY ANTEBELLUM – AS YOU TURN AWAY
JANG JAE IN – AUDITORY HALLUCINATION
BARCELONA – COME BACK WHEN YOU CAN
CHRISTINA PERRI – THOUSAND YEARS
EVANESCENCE – MY IMMORTAL
PHILIP PHILLIPS – GONE GONE GONE
KANG SEUNGYOON - INSTINCTIVELY
Sadly this is really the end. All the things needs to end and this story is no exception. Core of the story came out of my own broken heart and true purpose of this story was healing. I couldn't make a happy ending , but I hope I left all of you with hope. Sometimes life is taking everything from us, but with time good memories are staying and we're slowly opening to good things...
Please share your thoughts in comment section/PM - I treasure those a lot. Subscribe/Upvote story if you feel like it.
x - you can also find me on twittter.
There's lots of people I want to say thank you too - you're all in my heart!
Special thank you to my beyond amazing beta - fusionspeaks - amazing writer and amazing editor - this story wouldn't happen without your help!! and Asli - for dealing with my up and downs, for amazing love for the story, sharing ideas and choosing best songs for this chapter - thank you from my heart!
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