Your smile that’s not ridiculing me
Finds me again from disappearing
In the darkness, your smile
Shines brightly into my heart
I wanna reset , I wanna reset , I wanna reset

Jinwoo’s pov

It’s all wrong – he thought standing in front of the mirror. Everything was ready. Preparations were finished. All that was left for him to do was to put on his black tie and gloves on. He glanced at Mino’s picture on the table prepared with such care by all of them. They knew from the get go that it will be this photograph. From the day they won for the first time as Winner. Mino with his bright smile and eyes full of energy. Back then they were all looking forward to the future. They had so many plans and things were far simpler.

Now, he couldn’t even believe that the future was all real.

Now all he wanted was to remain in the past.

Carefully, like he would be carrying a beating heart, he took Mino’s picture in his hands. It was now all that was left of him and he found it difficult to hold back his tears.

It will be fine.

Trust me...

He knew he had stage fright from the very first performance he did back in high school. Still, he was managed to deal with it quite well so no one would know. No one would find out and he didn’t want to bother anyone with his problem. His team needed his strengths not his weaknesses. He managed to take care of it alone until the day before the finals. Team A or Team B.

It was their final stage. He felt his panic attack coming. He barely managed to reach the toilet when  suddenly he couldn’t breathe. Reality was slowly fading away from his mind's horizon and he suddenly felt as if he won’t be able to make it. It was worse than anything he had ever experienced.

     "Jinwoo?"

He heard someone calling him but he wasn't sure who. Everything was already turning black. He was slowly suffocating.

"Jinwoo, what’s wrong? Say something."

It’s the end. I’m dying – that were his only thoughts at that moment. Then, he felt something on his face. A strong, but warm hand covered half of his face.

"Breathe." He heard the voice ordered.  "Come on, Jinwoo. Breathe."

He managed to pry open his eyes and look up to face the owner of the somewhat familiar voice only to meet a pair of black, focused eyes. He had no other choice but to drown in them.

"One, two, three…" He heard Mino’s calm voice.

He tried to breathe slowly even though it was difficult.

"Good boy. " Mino was smiling at him proudly. "You can do it. You’re gonna be fine. Just trust me."

And with his persuasion, he truly felt like he can do it. Like everything Mino said were so real, he thought he could believe this man. He could trust Mino. Slowly, his body calmed down and he felt that he can breathe on his own again.

"Thank you." he whispered in a weak voice.

Even though he hated not feeling the warmness of Mino’s hand, he brushed it away, embarrassed. He didn’t want to be the problem. He didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes each time he looked at him.

"What the where you thinking?"

Well now this question wasn’t what he expected. He looked up at Mino. He was standing in front of him with arms crossed. He was pissed.

"What?" He managed to ask, confused.

"How long has it been since have those attacks? And don’t you dare lie to me it was just the first."

"Before every concert. It’s just stress. It’s nothing." He tried to explain.

"Well, seconds ago it was certainly not nothing." Mino was buying nothing of his .

"I’m gonna take care of this. Please don’t say anything to the others okay? I’m fine. It was nothing. Really."

"Yeah, you’re gonna be fine. Look at me." He grabbed his arms. "We are alright. It’s okay to be stressed and it’s fine to be scared. What is not fine is that you tried to hide your illness and struggle to yourself. I won’t tell the others because that's something you should tell them yourself. Maybe then you will finally see you’re one of us. We are not Winner without you. Winner is all five of its members. If you're screwed,  we are screwed, but still we're in this together so don’t think I’m taking my eyes off you from now on."

And he didn’t. Somehow he was always there when the pressure was too much. Always calming him. Saying they’re one, all of the five. That’s why he confessed to the others about his condition. That’s why he started the sessions to find a way to deal with it and he was getting better. He knew the reason was that deep, sweet voice was always there to build him up. The reason was that person who was always smiling.

Some time later on, Mino started experiencing severe pain in his leg. It came from nothing and suddenly he couldn’t move. He was saying "It’s alright", but the pain refused to go away. One night, Jinwoo couldn’t sleep. He looked at the bed beside his and it was empty. Seungyoon was still working in the studio - probably. Taehyun and Seunghoon went out. He hated it when they weren’t together, all five of them. While walking through the hall, he heard some noise coming from Mino’s room.

"Mino?" He asked quietly.

He tried knocking on the door but after several knocks with no answers, he went inside Mino's room. Before his eyes, Mino was lying down on his bed, all pale and in cold sweat. He clenched his teeth, but still low wheezes were coming from him. He was clutching his leg.

There was no other option – he called an ambulance. While waiting, he put himself behind Mino and hugged him tightly.

"It’s gonna be okay." He whispered into his ears. "It’s gonna be alright. It’s just a cramp. You’re gonna be fine. Trust me."

From this moment on, nothing was alright. And what was worse was that, no matter how much he prayed, the situation wasn't getting better.

After Mino woke up from his coma he was a different person. They were still talking, true but silence kept growing between them. Mino was getting more and more apathetic. It made Jinwoo felt like he was no longer a part of his life but rather an observer. During one of their silent moments  together, he asked slowly,

"During your attacks... how does it feel?"

"Like dying." He said without thinking and deeply regretted it afterwards. Death was a topic that was now taboo between them.

"How does it feel? To die?"

"Hmm… It just comes to you." He answered although he actually wanted to say that the pain was too much, it’s scary as . However, he saw in Mino’s tired eyes sparks of hope that he couldn’t read well but he didn’t want them to disappear. "It’s like flying. Suddenly you can’t feel the ground and it’s a little bit scary, but then you don’t feel anything anymore."

"No pain?"

"No pain."

"Was it cold?"

"Maybe for a moment." 

He was such a good liar sometimes.

"It must be good then." Mino sighed. He was clearly tired. He was leaving him. And suddenly Jinwoo became scared.

"Not as much as this " Jinwoo said with much affection and played one of his mixtapes on his phone. "And this too" He hugged him. "And this…"

He stared into his eyes.

He always knew he didn’t need a first love.

In fact, he never experienced it, and he didn’t need dates or fancy words, all he needed was Mino. He was his sun.

"This is a promise." He took his pinky finger and laced it with Mino's. "It’s going to be alright, Mino. You’re going to be fine."

"You want me to?"

"I need you to. So please don’t leave us. Don’t leave me." He was begging. 

"I won’t" Mino whispered. He smiled but there was sadness in his eyes. As if he knew something Jinwoo didn’t. "But you too should be alright."

"I will be. With you."

"You are strong even without me " He said softly. He touched Jinwoo's head gently.

"I promise you I will be the strongest." He said with enthusiasm, but all he really felt was that he was nothing without him.

"You are. Trust me."

Those were the last words Mino’s said to him.

Two weeks later they knew it was no way for him to recover. Only miracle could make him survive this, but while he was watching Mino barely breathing and shaking in pain, he just wanted for all of it stop. It was a cruel wish, but he wasn’t really the most hopeful person in existence. What he knew was that Mino was in pain, barely holding onto life and at the edge of death. He admired Mino’s  hopeful nature during the illness, from the beginning till the end. After he was losing his leg, his strength, beauty and even his voice…

Until he couldn’t even breathe on his own.

Even though he was still with them it felt like he was already gone. Jinwoo shook his head. He hated himself for thinking this way but he couldn’t truly argue with those thoughts either. Mino needed to go and all they could do was watch him struggle until the end.

He perfectly remembered the moment they heard his last breath escaping his lungs. Just a second and Mino was no longer a part of this world. Jinwoo looked around but nothing was reaching him, not Taehyun’s sobs, Seungyoon curses, Danah’s screams, until he met Seunghoon eyes who was repeating something. Jinwoo tried to concentrate and make sense of what he was hearing,  but he has already lost touch with reality.

"Breathe."  Seunghoon said for nth time.

And only then did Jinwoo realize Mino wasn’t breathing. He could stand Mino's shortest, painful imitation of breathing for the last few hours, but now he found himself not being able to inhale the world without Mino. Slowly he stepped aside from the group and headed towards the door.

He needed to escape from there.

He didn’t want to hear Mino’s mum desperate sobbing and whispering. She was begging Mino to come back, not to leave her. The worst part was that he knew Mino wouldn’t make her wait even for a second if he was with them. He was always the first one to laugh, but also the first one to be there just to listen to you when you needed somebody.

But he was not here and he was not coming back.

Not now not ever.

And he knew one more thing.

He didn’t want to be alright.

He’s not alright.

He’s not going to be alright.

Six months later they were in one of the music awards ceremonies. He went to the toilet to take a break before the performance. They were going to perform their new song for their big comeback. He stared at his own reflection in the mirror. His eyes were empty, his face wears a pale expression.

"I know you’re here." He said slowly to no one in particular.  "I’m stronger now. You know I am. I hope you see me eating everyday, sleeping well, performing well. I’m going to be alright, Mino. So I hope you are too."

The toilet door suddenly opend.

"You alright?" asked Seunghoon, stepping in.

Jinwoo slowly turned to face him.

"Yes. I’m fine" He added with hesitation. "Trust me."

When they sat in the audience, there was so many people around them but still there was an empty seat beside Jinwoo.

And the thought that there was no one to sit on it, always takes his breath away.

I’m left alone like this, loneliness
Please hold my hand right now
I wanna reset
I wanna reset
I wanna reset
The truth is hidden by scars
I wanna go back to the happy place
I wanna reset
I wanna reset

Reset

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