And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love.
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

Seunghoon’s pov

It was one of those afternoons they were spending together. He can't remember it clearly since there was nothing really special about that afternoon compared to other memories, but it was the time it all began to fall apart.

Everyone was resting after tiring activities. Even though they recently debuted, they already started working on their new album. The unspoken tension was in the air, but no one seemed to have anything to say. They were waiting.

Seunghoon moved to the kitchen. He cooked everything Mino liked. That was all he could do and the thought of it wasn't really comforting. He checked again if everything was ready. Perfect. He smiled with satisfaction.

 He could hear Jinwoo’s nervous whisper in the living room.

"What if he’s not gonna-" He couldn't finish it.

"Don’t even say it!"

It was Taehyun's, his voice sharp and cold. He was always reacting in certain ways. He was like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode any moment. Out of all of them, he was the only one who couldn't cope well with Mino's illness.

"We need to wait." A calm, almost cold voice stated.

Seungyoon was always the controlling type. He was their leader after all and one of his best qualities was managing to get everything under control.

"We’re gonna be fine. No matter what we’re all in this together."

Seunghoon heard himself said in a calming manner as he joined the others in the living room. Wow, when did he managed to become so mature? 

Damn, Mino should have heard him. He sounded so cool.

Then the door to Mino's room creaked open. Everyone’s face was a mask of paleness and nervousness. He can’t exactly remember what happened next, but one thing was constant from that time.

It was Mino’s smiling face. He was smiling telling them he needed to return to the hospital. He was smiling while telling them that he was no longer bound to a contract with YG and that his next treatment was going to take up quite some time. He was still smiling while telling them that his constant trips for chemotherapy didn't lessen his cancerous cells and that he needed to undergo an operation.

He was freaking smiling when the other four's heart was breaking. Mino's lips still carved a smile when all they did was sob over the news.

A week later, Seunghoon came back earlier from practice. He couldn’t really focus on creating a new choreography. However, he was surprised upon hearing the sound of loud, booming music coming from their dorm.

Who is there? 

He slowly opened the door and gasped in disbelief.

Mino was in the middle of the living room, dancing to one of his favourite songs. He was clearly giving it his all.

It stunned Seunghoon because when was the last time he saw him dancing? Was that before or after he started going for chemotherapy?

Suddenly Mino turned to him. Both of them were surprised at seeing the other and somehow, an awkward silence threatened and enveloped them after Mino turned off the music.

"I thought you’re gonna come back later." Mino said, an apologetic smile rosed on his face.

"I ran away." Seunghoon confesed. There was no point in lying. 

"Seungyoon's gonna be pissed." Mino jokingly warned him.

"Ayy, he is always nagging anyway."

Seunghoon laughed trying to lighten the mood, but Mino was just standing there. He seemed so fragile, so vulnerable, so…different from the usual Mino that Seunghoon had grown accustomed to.

"I’m gonna lose my leg Seunghoonie." He said, looking down at the floor beneath him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Seunghoon. "They’re saying they need to do it..They need to do it." Mino said and for the first time, he looked directly at Seunghoon. "I’m gonna have more chances of being alive if I do this, so it’s fine, right?"

For the first time in his life, Seunghoon was out of words to say. He didn’t know what to do or say. No, actually, Seunghoon didn't think that anything he'd say would assure Mino. From the first moment of diagnosis till now, Mino was always acting so strong and positive. He was the walking motto of everything's gonna be alright. He was a fighter, always surrounding them with bright energy and smiles. But now he was on the edge of breaking down and Seunghoon didn’t know what to do.

"No, it’s ing not!" He finally screamed and threw away the nearest chair he could grab. It was boiling in him for so long - the frustration, the pent up anxiety and anger - and he finally poured it out. 

Mino was looking at him in  a state of complete shock, but Seunghoon didn’t care.

"It’s so ing not okay!"

"Seunghoonie.."

" this , it all!"

He no longer cared. He knew he needed to do it. Because Mino needed to be broken to be stronger or at least to stay sane. Mino needed to stop pretending everything was alright when it wasn't.

And he could take it. He could take it all. He knew nothing was freaking fine. 

"Just say it! Curse and be mad! This is crazy! You’re a ing madman!" He was pushing Mino's chest after each word. He was provoking him, but with Mino it wasn't so easy. He wore his mask of "gonna be just fine" for too long now that not being fine became too difficult a task.

"I don’t need to." Mino finally said calmly, but there were dangerous sparks forming in his eyes.

"You’re ing losing your leg! For anyone’s sake, why it’s got to be you? Just this all!"

"Stop it!"

But Seunghoon couldn't.

" you for not practicing, YG for turning their backs on you, all those ty people wishing you well, all the pills, hairs! chemo! dying! it all!"

"Shut up!"

Mino was breathing heavily and his body was quivering from his emotions. He was now really pissed and Seunghoon was waiting for him to hit him in the face. But then he saw tears coming from his eyes. Mino was crying.

Sobbing furiously and Seunghoon knew. Mino reached his breaking point.

"You don’t need to pretend in front of me." He whispered into Mino’s ear. He closed the distance between them and hugged him tightly. "I know you want to act cool, but I know your and you should be cursing and throwing things and be mad and -"

"I’m scared." He barely heard Mino’s voice when the one he was hugging said it. "I’m scared that if I break, I won’t hold on, I won’t be able to survive this… all of this…"

He was trembling in Seunghoons arms. Or maybe that was Seunghoon shivering?

"And it’s okay to be a little broken" He found himself whisphering. "It’s okay to be mad, and to be sad, you just need to find someone to throw things at, to curse at, and to cry with, so others won't see it. You're human after all."

"And that’s gonna be you?" Mino asked, looking him in the eyes, unsure.

"I’m already cheesy as how could it not be me?"

Seunghoon tried to joke. He couldn’t stop Mino from crying nor could he ease the pain but at least he could make him cry while smiling.

"I’m gonna throw up and it’s gonna be the first time in long time that it's not because of chemo." Mino sarcastically said with a little smirk.

"Screw you."

"I might actually want to."

They loved to quarrel like this - like old times all over again. Now there was a big smirk on Mino’s lips and Seunghoon felt like something heavy was leaving his chest.

"We’re ed up." He summed up.

Mino nodded with a fox smile.

"Well I have an excuse, but you’re born with it."

"Say that again when you’re gonna be healthy." Challenged Seunghoon, playing with his hair.

"I’m gonna kick your ."

"With only one leg?"

" you."

"You already said you wanted to."

From that day on, he was Mino's breaking machine. Or at least he was calling himself that. He was always there to throw away Mino’s mask of “everything okay”. And to his satisfaction Mino was feeling this way too. Both of them were in this together. They were facing the darkness together and therefore they could build Mino up.

They could survive.

Together.

Like how they used to.

The day before the surgery Mino didn’t want to sit on the bed and insisted on walking around the room.

"I want to stay up a little longer. Please?" he asked his mother. He was so cute when he was whining. Or rather he thought he was cute, but for Seunghoon he seemed stupid, but still he couldn’t take his eyes off him. He was fullfiling his whole word.

Everything.

"You need to rest." His mother was so worried about him. She was brave, as much as Mino was. Both of them thinking it was better to smile than cry. Maybe they were right or just insanely strong? Seunghoon couldn't tell. Still somehow, it was all working well. At least for now.

"I’m fine, mum." Mino said softly, hugging her. He was always comforting her, Seunghoon thought sadly.

He was comforting all of them in fact, when he was the one that needed comfort the most.

"I’m gonna put his back in bed, Mrs Song." Seunghoon said with a little smirk. "You should go home already. Tomorrow you too will need all your strength."

"You’re gonna take care of him?" She looked at him with hesitation. She knew what they were capable of together, the dynamic duo.

"Yes ma'am." He saluted with a big smile.

"You’re doing great sweetheart." She said, turning to face her son.

"I love you mum. See you tomorrow."

When she finally went home, both of them stayed in silence.

"I need to smoke." Mino declared. He was desperate and nervous. He was barely holding it all together and needed something to calm his nerves.

"You can’t." Seunghoon reminded him.

"They’re ing cutting off my leg tomorrow."

They looked at each other for a long time. There was an unspoken conversation going on between them. They knew each other so well. Seunghoon sighed. 

"Let’s go to the toilet." He finally suggested.

"I don’t want to." Mino said while crossing his arms. Now he was even cuter. 

"Well Sherlock, where do you think everyone is smoking so they won’t get caught?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Where?" Mino was still clueless.

"With who do I need to work?"

Seunghoon rolled his eyes and pushed his victim towards toilet. After a little talk with the other patients, they got a cigarette and lighted it.

"Better?"

Seunghoon asked after staring at Mino inhaling his cigarette for a while.

"I’m getting my leg cut off, what do you think?"

They remained silent staring through the dirty window in the stinky and dirty hospital toilet. Yeah, what was he thinking? He was too scared to ask himself.

"I think I want to smoke too." Seunghoon reached out for a cigarette.

"It’s not healthy." The sarcasm was all over Mino’s voice.

"No ."

Seunghoon never smoked before so Mino used all the opportunities he had to make fun of him. For a moment both of them smiled. Only for a moment.

"From tomorrow I won’t be able to dance, to run, to even walk." Mino said slowly. Like those words didn’t want to go through his throat. Like he didn’t want to hear them leaving his lips at all.Except it did.

"It’s ed up." That’s all Seunghoon could came up with. It was all surreal. A horrible nightmare. 

"But I still want to be on stage with you guys. I will be, right?" Mino looked him in the eyes. He was so scared and vulnerable and worried that all Seunghoon wanted to do was to kiss him and run away with him. From hospital, from cancer, from everything that was hurting him. But it was not possible. 

"Sure you will." He said with certainty. "I’m a genius choreographer, right?" He tried to light up the mood. "I’m gonna dance for both of us. My legs are gonna be yours too from now on. No need to worry you’re still our best rapper."

"Yeah, I’m still a rapper. All I need is a beat and music."

While saying this, Mino’s face light up a little. Seunghoon felt so relieved. He was still there.

His bright, smiling Mino was still with him. They can do it. They’re gonna do it. Like always.

"Yeah, you have everything with leg or without it. Maybe you will get some cool stage nickname like rocketleg boy." Seunghoon suggested and both snorted.

"That’s the lamest thing you ever came up with" Mino punched his arms playfully.

"Then think of something better, smartass." Seunghoon acted like he was hurt by his comment. He knew he was cute. And he knew Mino liked it.

"Okay, I liked the rocket part. Like I’m ing going up to reach the stars."

"We’re already stars."

"Maybe you are but I’m a freaking different galaxy." Mino proudly stood on the wheelchair, like he was some kind of king or hero. Maybe he was. At least in Seunghoon's eyes, he was.

"Humble as always." Seunghoon grumbled.

"Glad you noticed."

However, after the operation nothing was good.

Mino stayed in coma for about two weeks.

He wasn’t getting better and Seunghoon felt like he was going crazy. He couldn’t work, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep.

When Mino finally woke up, Seunghoon knew at first glance that he was broken and not in a way he could fix. No one could fix Mino at this juncture.

The following month, Mino was in constant pain. No painkillers could make him suffer less. He was no longer smiling, but he manage to act as if he was doing good. He was still making people who came to visit him feel like it’s all alright.

The truth was that he was throwing up everyday with only Seunghoon knowing and Seunghoon was throwing up every time he saw him acting like he was going to make it and pretended it was okay.

It was after one of his throwing up parties when Seunghoon helped him get back to bed.

"I’m not gonna make it Seunghoonie." Mino finally said. It wasn't a question but a simple statement. Like the fact they were living in Korea. Like it was somehow obvious. 

"Bull." Seunghoon turned to look at him. He was pale and exhausted. He was disappearing everyday. His Mino was fading out. He felt it even though he couldn’t explain it. He knew it as well as Mino, but he didn’t want to accept it. Not now.

Hopefully not ever.

"Fine. You know I’m going to fight it all. I want to live. For everyone. But I need you to promise me something." He took his hand and Seunghoon had butterflies in his stomach. The electricity in this small touch, the intimacy he was craving for, he had it all in this moment.

"Not some stupid , kay?" He tried to break the serious mood.

"Why would I ever ask you for something stupid?"

"Mind to remind you of all the we did?" Seunghoon smirked while drowning in those beautiful dark eyes that focused on him. 

"Fine."

And suddenly those eyes were away from him. Disappointed, hidden behind a mask.

"What is it?" Seunghoon asked again, now perfectly serious.

Mino turned back to face him and squeezing his hand a little stronger. 

"When there will be no hope, when I won’t make it, please let me go. Ask me to let go, okay?"

Seunghoon felt tears pooling in his eyes.

"Okay, I will. I promise."

They hugged each other tightly.

When he came back home that day he cried out loud. He knew what it all meant. He knew what was coming. He knew it was their goodbye. He knew everything was about to fall apart.

Forever.

Mino was his love. He loved his eyes, his small hands, his bright smile. He loved everything about him. But now he was lying on the hospital bed surrounded by the machines that were coming in and out of his body. He couldn't eat, move or even speak. Still Mino was a fighter. That was what the doctor said after two weeks of him struggling to breathe, fighting for every second to stay alive.

Everyone knew he wanted to get better, he wanted to live, he wanted to do his best for them.

And after two weeks Seunghoon knew it was time. He could no longer stand looking at Mino’s constant agony. When he was alone in the room with him. He slowly approached him.

"Mino." he whisphered.

He opened his eyes. They were empty. They weren't Mino's. They were just shells. 

"Mino…" he whisphered fondly.

For a second his eyes were focused again, only to fade away again. Tears were already running down his face. He wasn't as brave as Mino. He won't ever be.

"I’m so sorry for not keeping my promise. I’m really sorry. I’m such a bad man, I’m ed up, I’m sorry." He tried to explain. He tried to make him understand.

With much effort Mino blinked. Like he was giving him a signal - I’m here, I’m ready.

"You need to stop. You need to stop fighting. I know you did your best. You always did. But it’s time to rest." He was stuttering terribly. Everything was too much. 

Mino blinked again. Now his face looked less in pain, more relieved.

"You need to go. I’m letting you go, Mino. It’s time."

Tears were falling from his eyes. Like a drizzle in the beginning but escalated into a storm. Tears fell like the rain on that day they first met. Like on the day he fell in love with him.

"I’m sorry I never told you that…"

Mino's eyes were already closed. But Seunghoon said it anyway.

"I love you."

----------

That night Mino died, surrounded by all his loved ones.

And Seunghoon broke apart.

He managed to lie to everyone that he was fine. He was taking care of everyone and was making them feel better. Just like Mino would want him to do, like Mino himself would do.

But he was broken inside. And he doubted that he would ever be whole again.

So on their concerts thereafter, whenever he was slowly walking past the empty chair, he always whispered “I’m sorry” even if it wasn’t okay, even if it was breaking him even more. 

Thank you for reading.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Please leave the comment.