Mino's pov

When I looked back I had come farther than I thought
I was all alone, and all of a sudden I feared
When I looked at myself, I didn’t know that I was exhausted
I was all alone, and all of a sudden I feared

12 January

I have bone cancer. It should have sounded better, more real or it’s just a dream. I guess it’s not given each wave of pain that came through my body.

I need to fight my cancer.

Now that sounds much better, cooler - as if I’m some kind of superhero. Heck, maybe I am. I am my own superhero.

80% of people with the same cancer as mine completely recover from it after their first chemotherapy. I only know this because Seungyoon is a statistics maniac. But numbers are making him feel safe, so I let him drown me with statistics.

I haven’t paid any attention to half of the things he said, cause his serious self is adorable to witness. I love watching the movements of his lips. Before I knew it, I’m already kissing him, throwing away all the papers he was so proud of collecting.

I know that all I need is him. To be able to kiss those lips, wake up by his side, to always be by his side, for that I know I’m going to fight. I’m not afraid.

13 Jan

It’s worse than I thought. They are literally pouring toxin into my system. It feels so cold. I’m the youngest one in the ward so the others are treating me like a child. I don’t mind it at all though. It’s better to fool around and make some jokes rather than being suffocated by an endless silence.

I spotted one man sitting in the back, spacing out like he wasn’t there anymore. It scared me a little bit. I don’t ever want to look that broken. During one of my sessions, I even rapped. Seungyoon is going to be proud of me. We’re finishing our album so we need to work hard. My mum visited me after dinner. She was proud of me for doing so well.

“You’re a brave boy.” She had told me.

I kept repeating that to myself for the rest of the day, hoping that it is true. That I am brave.

14 Jan

Thinking that the first day was bad is the biggest understatement of the year when you’re ending your second day - and it's worst . I woke up with my head hurting, the world around me spinning like some broken carousel. I think I even threw up everything I had eaten.

“It’s like waking up after huge party, only that you have no confetti to drag out your .” I told that to Jinwoo, but he didn’t get the joke. This hyung is worrying too much. I said to him “It’s nothing” , only to see him smile again.

I need to make sure to ask the nurse to not let any visitors in until I’m done with my morning sickness. I don’t want them to worry too much. Later, I told the exact same joke to Seunghoon and he laughed out loud, and added “Ain’t no Vegas baby.”

He gets it right away as always. He is the best. 

20 Jan

It’s only been a week yet I lost so much weight. Normally, I would be jumping to the sky thanking God for that, but here I am feeling like my body is betraying me. It is showing my weakness.

I said to Seungyoon that I’m soon going to beat him when it comes down to who's skinnier. After two hours of his nagging I came to this conclusion; I shouldn’t have actually said that. But after nagging me, he fed me with that pulp or something that they wanted me to eat – I can’t even look at it.

Spoon after spoon he was awarding every bite with a kiss. Pulp still tasted like , but I ate it all. It’s not like I’m not going to throw it up in the morning, but seeing Seungyoon’s smile was worth it. I fell asleep in his arms, arms that almost felt like home with its warmness and sincerity. Only 21 more days to go.

10 February

Finally at home. I bid a quick goodbye to everyone and pulled Seungyoon into my room. When he was sweating on top of me, I felt alive again. After so long, I finally felt what living means again. As I cross my fingers with his, I feel like I have everything that is great in this world in my hands.

27 February

I woke up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat. I was barely able to reach for my desk where I still have some painkillers left for my darkest hours. I took three pills for it to go away. I hope that it was just an after effect. I kept repeating that to myself. It’s nothing, it’s way too soon, just too soon.

I don’t want to even think what else it could be. As I watched Seungyoon’s sleeping figure on my bed that night, I prayed silently for it to go away, to be nothing. Eventually, I fell asleep on the kitchen’s floor. Seunghoon found me there the next morning. He didn’t ask me anything so I didn’t tell him a thing either. I think both of us are not ready to have this conversation. 

12 march

The pain refused to go away. I’m taking more and more painkillers before and after our trainings. The rest doesn’t know and I don’t want them to know.

I do not wish to know what is the meaning behind the constant, unrelenting pain but I’m running out of pills and excuses.

It becomes clear to me that returning to the hospital is an inevitable situation. So now I’m laying next to Seungyoon, who is sleeping soundly with his head on my chest, and I know that more than anything, I don’t want to know more than I already do about my pains.

I don’t want to lose moments like this. So I’m closing my eyes listening to his deep, peaceful breaths, his chest rising and falling slowly. However, it doesn't change the fact that the pain is recurring even in this instance.

14 march

I spoke with the doctors earlier.They said it might be nothing too serious. They didn't sound too convincing though. Tests had been done and all that's left is tow wait for the results. Well .

15 march

Everyone’s talking about our grand comeback this summer. We should finish our lyrics soon if we want to get everything on time. I need to finish my rap, but my inspiration has gone dry. Words are not coming to me anymore. During recording sessions in the studio, Seungyoon kept asking me if I’m alright.

I hate lying to him, truly, but now I’m doing it notoriously. After brushing off his concerns,  I acted like I didn't see his unsure stares, the ones he always had when he was doubting himself. It was so him to firstly doubt his own hunch than my words.

Only then did I reach for him and slowly kissed the top his head. “Everything’s alright” I whispered albeit avoiding any eye contact with him. He smiled, clearly reassured and went back to playing guitar. In those moments, I hated myself even more than I hated my pain. For the rest of the day, I stared at the blank of piece of paper, void of ideas.

29 march

Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m turning 24, only 24. I’m waiting in front of my doctor’s office, more nervous than I have ever been in my entire life.

Deep breathing isn't helping calm my nerves at all. I feel like there is no air around me at all. I have no idea how Jinwoo was able to survive his attacks. He’s so ing brave. I can’t believe he is doubting himself constantly.

I need to make sure he’s going to see his own strength. On contrary to him, I’m only seconds away from running away from here. , I wish I wasn’t here alone. Maybe with Seunghoon’s hand on my back it would be better.

Oh, they called out my name. No turning back I guess.

-

I sit on a bench alone for the last few hours. I didn't even notice the time passing. I sent a message to Seungyoon earlier that I’m with my friends, so nobody’s going to bother me. I can’t speak with anyone now. Not now, when I just found out a terrible news that even I have yet to digest.

The cancer is back. No, it never went away to begin with. My leg was shining in the MRI like a ing Christmas tree. Chemotherapy won’t be enough this time, they said with a serious look. They need to cut it off, my ing leg.

I need to start treatment as soon as possible. I asked about the chances for the recovery out of Seungyoon's habit. 12% was the answer.

12%.

ing twelve percent.

If this is a nightmare, I want to wake up already cause I don’t think I can do it anymore. God, if you’re listening to me right now, you should cover your ears.

-

It took me some time, but I finally know what I need to do. But it’s not making it any easier. I will do this all alone. Tomorrow, I will speak with our manager. I will spend the rest of the day as planned. Even if it’s only one day, I want to spend it like everything is alright. I want to spend my perfect birthday with everyone, to see Seungyoon smile without any trace of fear in his eyes.

30 march

Well that was it. I should have known that as I parted my ways with YG, ending my contract, the leader is going to know as well.

I planned to tell him everything tomorrow, to steal one more day with him, but I guess nothing is going down as I wanted them to.

For the first time, I saw Seungyoon so pissed. He was so mad that in the beginning, couldn’t even utter a single word, only gesticulating all his emotions. When he finally was able to speak, there were only curses flying my way. I’m exacly this Seungyoon.

I’m a liar, I’m an , yes I’m abandoning you and everyone, yes I wasn’t thinking straight, and yes this is our goodbye.

As much as it hurt me to no longer be a part of Winner, it was unbearable to let Seungyoon go. But I did what I needed even if every word was ripping my heart out. I cursed more at him, I told him things I don’t ever want to remember. All lies, but they made him hate me.

They made him leave as I wanted. Maybe, with as time passes, he will come to realize that I did it for him. To set him free from sticking with me who represents nothing but 12%.

I can’t do this to him. I can’t drag him down with me. He deserves 100% of everything. It’s just when I spat my last lie, he threw at me my birthday present. He cut my cheek with the box but I don’t think he even saw this when he ran out the room and slammed the doors behind him. I unpacked the box with shaking hands.

There was a ring. I never cried so hard in my life.

31 march

I can’t fall asleep. I can hear Seungyoon crying in his room. The walls are either so thin here or it's just my imagination. Maybe I’m crying myself. Then, the pain comes again. It’s dark.

I’m alone.

I’m scared.

1 April

They are waiting for me in the living room. I know Seungyoon hasn’t told them much, giving me the chance to explain everything myself. I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror. What happened to that chubby kid with happy sparks in his eyes?

Now, there’s only a skinny, bald man with empty eyes. I want to punch myself for looking pathetic  like this. I inhaled a deep breath.

What I’m going to say is going to tear us apart. From where I stand, I can hear their nervous, muffled conversations. Even in my worst nightmares, I have never imagined that I will say those words.

No longer part of Winner.

Funny how it all ends so easily. My dreams that I tried to achieve six years ago, what we built together. In a matter of a few seconds and some words, they are taken away from me.

I can’t take it away from them too, I can’t slow them down. I’m making the right decision, I’m doing the right thing. So stop crying er and smile instead.

You’re brave, you can open the door with a smile on your face.

3 April

On the last few days before going back to hospital, I decided to spend time at my parents. The others were quite disappointed but accepted it without much complains. Jinwoo even wanted to go with me, but I refused gently.

I needed time for myself I said, but I knew they're having the final rehearsals before their comeback. They needed this time more than I. Seungyoon was only nodding all the time. He hasn’t said a single word to me since our break up. I guess I deserve this.

If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t said a word to myself either. This brings back the memories of box with the ring still intact at the corner of my room, untouched. I can’t put it on my finger, but I don’t want to return it either.

So it’s just there, like all our memories and our future – thrown away and useless. Even with a  bag full of stuff, I still feel like I have nothing.

5 April

I spend each day crossing the same streets I used to when I was a kid. I had so much dreams, so much energy back then. I thought I was invincible. I miss that kid.

With everyday closer to coming back to the hospital, the more I miss being that playful kid. Back then,  I knew nothing about love, I knew nothing of being alone. I knew nothing about dying…

I need to keep my head straight and focus on gathering the strength. I need it more than sentiments.

But when I’m walking for hours surrounded by familiar places, I can’t get rid of the feeling that maybe, this is the last time I'm seeing them

Seungyoon never called though. Not once.

6 April

Every night my mum is there, watching me falling asleep like she used to do when I was still a kid. She sings my favorite lullaby. We both pretend we’re not seeing tears in each other’s eyes.

Still, no call from Seungyoon. I miss him. I can’t stand the pain without him.

7 April

I'm back at the dorm today. I need to pack my bags for tomorrow. I played the music loudly. If it’s the last time, I wanted to dance. The last time with two legs.

Only in the middle did Seunghoon came back. He reached out to me and I slowly fell apart in front of him but it wasn’t embarrassing. I could see it in his eyes that he could embrace those hardships with me. I didn’t want to share my burdens with anyone yet he made me open up so easily. He understands.

I don’t know how, but he understands. He is, after all, my best friend.

At midnight, I felt a familiar pair of slender arms hugging me from the back. My Seungyoon. I thought it was just a dream. As I touched his warm arms, I realized he was really there. I turned to face him, shock apparent. I wanted to push him away, but I was already far too weak to do it. I wanted him back in my life. I wanted all we had. I know I’m selfish and I’m far from being strong, not when those eyes are on me, his arms around me.

He moved heaven and earth  with the other members to make me an exclusive contract. “You will come back to us. When it all ends, you will be standing right next to us.” He smiles lovingly at me. Again, he is forgiving me, he is giving me another chance. It’s us again.

Our 12%. I no longer believe in those three words. I don’t believe “I love you” can make a person change, make them choose you. But I believe in Seungyoon. I believe in our 12%. I believe it when he is putting a ring on my finger that marks our future. We can make it.

15 April

I watched their concert. At first I was laughing at their awkwardness and trained to death jokes. I was also cheering with the crowd after every song. Jinwoo, wow, when did he improve so much? He’s doing so well.

Seunghoon sure took good care of him like he promised me. Taehyun is such a tease, but fans love it. His voice is always melting my ears. Seunghoon with his dancing skills proving that the “artist” title suits him the best.

And my sweet Seungyoon, perfect as always. It’s funny to see how  much of a nagging king he is in our dorm, while he is such a sweetheart to the fans. Perks of being in the team with him.. Used to be in the team with him…

When they finished successfully only then I feel tears dropping from my cheeks. They are having it all. They are still living our dream, one that not too long ago, I had too. But now I’m starting to doubt I will ever stand on the same stage with them.

They belong to a world too different than mine. I curse at myself for having such irrational thoughts. No, I will be there again with them, rapping again. Even though all I have now are cold white walls, endless drips and 12% chances to celebrate my next birthday.

15 May

Tomorrow. The operation that is. I want to curse. I have to pray. I need to live. Please God, don’t take me so soon.

6 June

I came back to life. I woke up from the dream. All I remember feeling was Seungyoon's lips pressed against mine again. How good they tasted. My mother’s warm embrace taking away all the pain and Taehyun’s warm smile.

When I was falling asleep, I suddenly heard Taehyun’s voice. That sweet voice I used to listen all those years ago. I opened my eyes to see his angelic face. His eyes closed yet his face expressing so much concern. So vulnerable, so open. He was there again. My Taehyun, and I was again his sunny boy who never knew how to not love him. That boy who never knew pain and free from scars. For a second I wanted to hide myself in the past.

In that summer night when I was so happy, I was in love, I was not scared. So I pulled him closer, sealing our lips in a short kiss out of an old habit we used to share.

I survived. I came back.

7 June

A long time had passed since I saw everyone smiling so much. It feels so good. I have a good hunch. I’m waiting for the final results and I hope that I will go home soon. I wanted to talk to Taehyun about that kiss, but I’m not sure if it even took place. Maybe it was just a dream.

It seems like it had to be a dream because he doesn’t seem offended and I can’t clearly remember it either. I think he is in love with somebody. I can see the happy sparks in his eyes. I’m glad he finally opened up his heart for love as I am opening mine while hugging Seungyoon tightly.

8 June

Apparently my cancer is now dominating  my body. I have 1% chance. If I decide to take chemotherapy that is, in the portion that can kill me anytime or I can leave and spend the last weeks or months at home with my family and at ease. I thought I already fought it only to find myself defeated once again. The moment I met Seungyoon’s eyes who was waiting for me in my room, I know what I’m going to choose.

1%.

I don’t care, I need it.

I want to live. I want our future.

This time around I’m the one kissing him senselessly. I’m doing it for us.  

14 June

I’m sitting at the back of the examination room, not saying a thing, just observing the drip and waiting for it  to finish so I can go back to my room.

No one is trying to talk to me and I can’t say I would want to talk anyway. Maybe they are afraid of me or they are pitying me. I don’t care. It needs to start working. I’m at the edge of losing it, I can feel it.

I need something good to happen. I need to live. I need to live long enough to be at the top of the world with Winner, to spend more time with my family, to be with Seungyoon. To fulfill our promise of future together.

So I’m squeezing our ring, clenching my teeth and waiting for the drip to finish. Drop after drop, praying for it to start working. Only this time in silence, between the drops, dark thoughts are haunting me that I’m not going to make it, that this is the end, that I’m dying.

Drip. Drop. Drip Drop. Drip Drop.

In those silent moments, I’m afraid.

11 June

God. I want to believe in Him. But it’s getting harder and harder for me to pray. When the pain comes, I curse at Him for testing me like this, for making me fall on my knees time and time again, for making me watch as I lose all that matters to me. Why did He let me have everything only to take it away all of it seconds later – I asked him again and again when I’m racking with pain on the floor.

And when the pain is unbearable I pray again. So He could make it stop.

To stop the pain, the cancer. To stop the time to the moment when I’m holding Seungyoon in my arms and let it last forever.  

14 June

There was no nurse near me so I tried to stand on my own to walk myself to the toilet. I must really be reaching next levels of humiliation for not being able to take this little care of myself. I tripped trying to stand up from the bed. I ted my pants. Only then I heard my father calling.

I told him not to come. I wanted to save him the view, but he came either way. He lift me up and put me in the shower. We weren’t speaking when he was undressing me. I felt the tears on my cheek.

Just don’t cry now loser, I said to myself, checking if he saw it. Only then I realized it wasn’t me who was crying. My father who I grew up believing was a superhero now was sobbing like a child. “My son”, he kept repeating when I was hugging him in my arms.

He was no longer the hero I looked up to and craved for. He was crumbling down in front of me. Maybe I was looking so bad that it was enough to break him. Just as disgusting as I was already presuming. I thought I would cry too, but something in me just died then.

And there was no tears on my cheeks, but taste of disappointment in my mouth. His lips were shivering when he was kissing my head over and over again. So I patted his arm and said “I know”.

Because I’m a good boy. I’m a brave boy. Because what else is left to say. I looked away when he was wiping away his tears.

And he looked away from my limp leg while helping me take my shower. We are good at ignoring things. True masters in not speaking of a matter game.

15 July

For the first time I cried  in front of Seungyoon. I’m truly ashamed of the fact that I’m so weak. Thankfully, he was sleeping. On that uncomfortable chair covered with my bathrobe. I’m not allowing him to sleep with me on the bed. I know It’s stupid but I don’t want him to look at my lacking body. I don’t want him to remember me like this. I don’t want him to pity me.

So I repeated  “I’m sorry” to him continuously without fail because of my fear that he will no longer love me the same way he used to. I’m pushing him away.

“I’m sorry” for not telling him I’m not getting any better.

“I’m sorry” for turning our promises into nothing but a silly dream.

“I’m sorry” for being such a coward and not being able to say I’m going to leave him.

I just want you to hold on to a hope for us, so I will be able to find it in myself too.

“I’m sorry” Seungyoon, you have fallen for a broken man.

16 July

I’m so weak I can’t even get up. I’m just lying on my bed staring at nothing. That way, Taehyun found me. During the last two weeks, I enjoyed his company like I never before. The source of that is in my heart who is still missing that love we shared those years ago. I thought I would never move on from him only to understood that I don’t need to stop loving him completely to love someone else, all I needed was to learn how to love him differently.

He will always be in my heart, in good memories as I will come back with my thoughts to that summer. And it’s until he is confessing to me that I truly can read his heart too. I thought he was falling in love with someone else, but all this time he was in love with me. I don’t want to break him when he is finally ready to love, no if only I could I want him to know he is loved too. And it scares me to realize that I never said those words to Seungyoon. I want him to hear them too.

“I love-“

My last confession.

My last regret.

Eh when I didn’t want to see anything
I forced my eyes open because I just feared
It was because I suddenly became afraid eh oh
When I didn’t want to speak at all,
I purposedly raised my voice because
There is no other reason
I fear, I fear

As promised this is my Christmas gift.

It came out much longer than I expected and there is still ton of stuff I didn't find time to write down or to explain.

This chapter was the hardest one to write for me. I struggled a lot while writting it because I needed to grow a hope only to took it away.

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After reading please leave your thought in the comments! They mean a lot to me! I'd never write so much without them.

Have a wonderful Christmas time!