Part ll 5 ll

"Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place;

maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was."

-Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care-

Place : Skåne, Sweden.

EunMyung's thoughts.

Pinch me, I must be dreaming. Or maybe I am not dreaming. Am I dead? Because all I can see around me feels like heaven, beautiful, silence, and tranquility. With every step I take, I feel lighter at heart and mind. I’m by myself as I’m walking on this path right now, and yet I don’t feel lonely at all. It is almost as if time has stopped, or passes by slowly. There is nothing to rush for right now, and I have all the time in the world to take in and appreciate God’s beautiful creation.

A smile keeps forming on my face as the wind that passes by grazes my cheek. I am happy. I am definitely happy. This is where I visualize spending the rest of my life at, surrounded by peace and quiet, and wonderful natural surroundings that completes me in more ways than one.

I almost feel like a bird, only that if I have wings, I would’ve soared by now. I’ve never felt this free, this at ease, and I want this feeling to stay. It almost takes me back to the days when everything was still normal, when love and feeling good never cost a thing. Those days when I had SeHun as my partner in crime, creating all sorts of trouble but ended up getting away with it time and again.

Now, even if I happen to remember that particular day that changed my life, and changed who I am, I don’t feel remorse or angry anymore. Surrounded by these yellow flowers on my each sides, my heart has opened up just as how the flowers have bloomed. And because of that, all of my emotions that I’ve kept for years are slowly making its way to the sky, leaving me forever.

I spread my arms wide, soaking in the light radiated by the Sun, and letting go all of the things that used to make me depressed, irate and resentful. Looking back at that day right now, I smile, realizing that life is too beautiful and important to keep on lingering on the sad past.

I’ve wasted years on being sad over what happened, as if I’m the only one hurting. I’ve spent years masking my true feelings until I’ve come to a point that I no longer knew myself, or what kind of a person I actually am. There were times when I felt like I was a puppet, going with the flow of my everyday life. Then there were also days when I felt confined, and broke free by causing all kinds of problems, which later included SeHun along the way.

I blamed my dad, I blamed my mom, and I blamed myself. I blamed my dad for doing what he did, causing us pain which affected us for years. I blamed my mom for not being able to pull herself together, and as if she was the only one who bore the pain and no one else. If only she knew that I was hurting too, and that I needed her so badly but she never tried to reach out for me.

I blamed myself for all the things I did. I blamed myself for pretending to be strong, and thought that by pretending I was, it could make me stronger. I blamed myself for letting whatever that has happened to my parents affect me. I blamed myself for always making it hard for SeHun to control me when my difficult days came by.

I could’ve figured some other ways to manage my emotions. I could’ve done something. I could’ve tried reaching out back to those who want to help me. Instead, I worked all the time to occupy my head with something just so I could stop thinking about the problem at hand. And when things are getting harder to endure with my mom, I rebelled, unleashing my anger in many ways that I shouldn’t.

But now, I’ve learned to forgive, others as well as myself. I forgive my dad for what he did, for he’s just another human being who makes mistakes. And genuinely, I wish him joy with his new family and pray that whatever has happened to us won’t come to pass to that family.

I forgive my mom, by trying to understand that her heart must’ve hurt more than mine for having the love of her life to walk away, leaving everything that they used to have behind. If it’s hard for me, it must’ve been harder for her. I know that she always misses my dad, and that it is not easy to simply forget someone who you’ve given your heart to, only to be crushed by the person you least expected.

I should’ve been there for her more often. I should’ve tried harder. And perchance I was the one who ought to have tried reaching out to her.

And lastly, I learn to forgive myself. Everything that came about was none of my control, and things just happen. I cannot travel back in time to fix my mistakes, but I can learn from them by forgiving myself for not knowing better. And I hope that others can forgive me too, particularly SeHun. I gave him such a hard time and I know now how difficult it must’ve been for him.

But now, even if after it’s all said and done, I still haven’t made up my mind. I miss all of them, and I very much want to see them again, but I like it here also. Would it be right if I never return for now? Would it be okay and fair?

SeHun said that he would wait for me, but would he still do that after knowing that I won’t come back? And my mom, I can’t just leave her under someone else’s care just to please my own heart, but I definitely feel that my heart is now a whole, and it’s been so long since the last I feel that way.

If SeHun were here, I wonder what he would suggest me d