Sunday, October 25, 2015

10:09 p.m

There’s so much to update. Tuesday I got your number again. I was mad, I wanted answers. I had talked to Sehun (a childhood friend, you don’t know him. He doesn’t go here) about you, and he encouraged me to talk to you if I really loved you and if I was sure it wasn’t infatuation. I was sure.

You agreed to come over but those minutes when I was typing the message, when I sent it, and while I waited, I shook so hard that I could barely breathe.

Monday, October 26, 2015

1:13 p.m (I fell asleep before finishing yesterday)

I was literally having an anxiety attach. But you replied and said you wanted to talk too. So you came over, sat across the room from me. It hurt, my heart lurched in my chest. You were, for the first time in weeks, so close. When prompted, you come and sat down on the bed with me, and I instantly curled into your warmth. I carded my fingers through your hair, and you laid back into me. The details of what was exchanged is fuzzy. But you threatened to throw me off the bed, only to pull me into your lap. It was gazes locked, shy smiles and soft words. You leaned in first (you always are the one to start ), and as always, I can’t resist you, and kissed you back.

Why is it only you seem to know the perfect balance to make my head spin? Just enough aggression, just enough gentleness and care to make me stupid with emotion? It’s beyond frustrating.

One thing led to another, and I became on the giving end (once again, refusing ). It was only after relishing in your euphoric high did I finally get answers. You pushed me away because you didn’t want to hurt me. You knew I loved you, and you knew you didn’t feel the same. How there’s someone else, one you apparently know you can’t have, but want anyway

We consider being just friends, but you and I both know that we simply can’t be around each other without touching one another. When we’re in the same room, you can feel the attraction, the desire, the lust.

You said it was up to me to decide if we keep hooking up or not, and I thought, clung to the possibility that if we continued, you might come to love me back. So I agreed, I said yes, because as long as there was a chance, I’d take it. You left sometime after that.

The on Wednesday, Yixing went to spend the night elsewhere, and I knew I wanted you over. I had you briefly, and it didn’t satisfy my hunger, my desire to be by your side. I texted and asked you, and you agreed, but said it wouldn’t be until after basketball practice, which ended around 9:30-10 that night.

10:30 rolls around, and no text, no you. I ended up staying up until past 12, when you finally arrive. I had asked you to spend the night because I just wanted to be in your presence, but you obviously had a different idea, and things took a different route. Once again, I was the one pleasuring you. But in the moment, I never felt used. How could I? The way you move your body, nip at my lips, gently rub my back in smooth, encouraging motions.

Your physical attraction is evident. But as I curl into your chest to sleep that night, I couldn’t help but wish it ran deeper than that.

You left early the next morning, as you always do, with a chaste kiss upon my lips that this time, didn’t linger but instead vanished along with you out the door. Waking up, I questioned what I was doing. Unlike most time you leave (or perhaps it was always this was, and I just never faced the feelings until that morning), I didn’t long for you. I didn’t feel content nor happy… but strangely indifferent. I don’t know if my heart suddenly the defensive, to save me before I could once again get hurt, but I’m glad it did.

That night, Thursday, Chanyeol came over. Unlike with you, I never feel pressured to do anything with him. We can actually carry a conversation for hours without kissing, without touching. It’s simple, easy, and makes me happy. I realized that I rather spend my time getting to know Yeol than waiting for you to possibly love me, or even like me back. (You never know, perhaps Yeol would love our possible child more than you. Maybe he’ll support me, be there for me in ways you never could.)

So I texted you, told you that we couldn’t hook up anymore. You told me you couldn’t stop me from doing my thing (when had you ever fought for me Yifan?). But Yeol was going to spend the night with me Friday… instead he stood me up and I can’t help but wonder if it had something to do with you, because he started acting strange as soon as I ended things with you.

It seems that I can’t do anything right. When I attempt to move on, to make myself happy, to let you go, it’s like you’ve ruined me for anyone else…

Fast forward to yesterday (Sunday), and I texted Chanyeol again (I didn’t bring up Friday). He said he’d come over after he finished homework, but as 10 rolls around, I text him again and suddenly there’s too much homework and he can’t come. I’m sure he could go get high with you guys though. But I can’t get mad. We aren’t a thing, I have no priority, no standing.

I’m frustrated with you Yifan… I said hello to you while in the cafeteria and was completely ignored. So we can’t be civil or friends now? Maybe it’s for the best. Just didn’t expect you to be a .

While I’m writing this, I’m waiting for the pregnancy test.

It’s positive.

-Zitao

A/N Plot twistsssss. ouo sendmeloveeveryone and sendcarollovecauseshewastheonethatwantedmetoupdatex4tonight