Monday, October 19, 2015

11:49 p.m

If you don’t care, why did you bother to text me? Why would you waste your time? Ahaha, hooking up with my friends now?

Saturday I went out. You were suffocating me, your nonexistence presence that continuously swarms me. I was becoming depressed because no matter what I did, I couldn’t get you out of my damn head. Yixing… Yixing knows that I might be pregnant. He was in a similar boat not too long ago, and had vitamin C pills (apparently it’s supposed to make the egg detach from the walls-) and had encouraged me to take them. But I couldn’t Yifan. I couldn’t kill our possible child.

But we researched it (I didn’t want to drink and hurt the child), and it appears that I’m good for the first 8-10 weeks. It was only two weeks ago that we had without protection. So I wanted to forget you. I wanted to forget the way you smell, the way you smile. I wanted to forget I’d ever met you. I wanted to forget the pain.

So I drank and I drank until I was warm and happy, and the thoughts of you were no longer pressing. I drank until the floor swayed, and it was then that I saw Chanyeol. Chanyeol was there the first night I met you. I always thought he was attractive. With the liquid confidence of the vodka, and you temporally vacant, I went for it.

We ended up leaving together, pressed into the backseat of someone’s car as we drove back from the party, me promptly in his lap and fingers playing with the silver of his hair. Of course I invited him back to my room. He made he feel wanted, alive.

But even drunk, I was aware that I was possibly pregnant, turned down and went straight for his instead. There’s something liberating at being someone’s sole pleasure, at watching them crumble at your mercy. For the first time in two weeks, I fell asleep happy.

I don’t regret hooking up with Chanyeol. You’re the one who didn’t want me anymore Yifan. You’re the one who threw me away like it was nothing.

You claimed that you don’t care, but I know that you do. You were bothered enough to say something. Why is it so hard to tell me? I love you. All you have to say was “I ed up” or “I miss you” and you could have me back.

Or is it the simple idea that I’m with your friend? If he was your friend, he wouldn’t have hooked up with me. Who is the real shady person now? Because I owe you nothing. Yeol is supposed to be your bro. If you should be upset/mad with anyone, it should be him.

I feel good when I’m with him. I didn’t think about you as often. I keep hoping to see you, so you know I’m doing a-ing-okay without you. But I wonder if you’ve been avoiding things because I (like your ex) make you sick. Only difference is… I did nothing to warrant it. All I did was love you Yifan.

-Zitao

A/N: Double update because I know 003 is short af. BTW, no, I do not encourage anyone to drink while pregnant / possibly pregnant ;n; There's always the chance that you may screw something up for your child

P.s leave me comments and love pls ono