He took out a notebook, white in hue, and laid it on the desk in front of him.

Friday, Oct 16, 2015

4:06 p.m

White for purity, rebirth, a clean slate. Ironic, is it not? How I’m not pure, I’m not reborn nor is this a clean slate. I have fallen victim to merciless love yet again. Nearly four, almost five years from the first time it happened. While it, in some ways, seems forever ago, it also feels like yesterday.

The similarities? Uncanny now that I think about it. Beautiful broad shoulders, long lash, ebony hair. Both from homes that aren’t frequently talked about. How at the beginning, I didn’t hold onto to what I had, and realized, much too late, that without them breathing becomes hard and memories make my chest tight.

Why I waste time and energy on people who don’t deserve nor appreciate my love is beyond me. Why it takes impossibly long to move on, to be okay, I’ll never know. It reminds me though, why I should plaster walls a thousand feet high around my heart. And I should know better, and yet I’m repeating the same mistakes, I’m giving my entire being into someone who couldn’t care less.

I wonder what I did wrong to lose you Yifan, when you promised that I never would. Empty words that I hold dear. Why would you give me false hope of a possible future? What is it about me that made the desire burn out long before it was supposed to?

I wonder if you’re afraid to get hurt, and instead withdrew before I could. I wonder who, what, screwed you over so bad that the thought of being loved (a word it seems, that has no standing to you) had you push me away further than I could comprehend.

I crave your warmth often. I miss your presence next to me. I miss your smile and smart remarks. I think of you all the time. I wish, could only hope, I somehow made an impact on you to where you think of me every now and then.

I might be pregnant too Yifan. It scares me… Would you want a child? Either way, if I am, I’d have the baby. The thought of terminating a life before he or she ever had a chance makes my stomach twist. The possibilities and what if’s, of what the child could do in their lifetime, the difference they could possible make in the world…

I’d love our child. More than you. I’d give it everything I was deprived of. They’d be strong Yifan.

I’ll take the test next week. If I am, I don’t know when I’ll tell you. I won’t abort it for your sake. I’ll be strong too.

Love, Zitao

A/N I know this wasn't what you guys were expecting... This story will be told as Zitao's journal entries after his first encounters with Yifan. As it progresses, things will be explained and flashbacks will be included.