Tuesday, October 20, 2015

11:55 p.m

I hate that these past few nights, I’ve dreamed of you. You run around my mind during the day enough, and I don’t need you in my unconscious as well. I wake up mad at you, and mad at myself because I’m ing obsessed and you need to ing stop.

I miss you terribly, even with others. I love the way you smell, and how it clings to my skin, my sheets, a reminder of your presence long after you’re gone. I often wonder if there will be a chance of everything working out, that maybe you’ll find out you love me too. It’s wishful thinking, and honestly it needs to stop, because as long as the what-if are there, I won’t be able to move on.

Later this week, I’m going to get the pregnancy test. I’m still nervous. It wasn’t supposed to be this way Yifan. I wasn’t supposed to come to college and fall in love with the first guy who pursued me. I wasn’t supposed to engage in unprotected (but when I’m with you, the word ‘no’ seems to cease to exist and I bend at your will), wasn’t supposed to be buying pregnancy tests and wondering if I’m going to test positive.

But I don’t know if I’d change anything…

Love,

Zitao

P.S. It was sunny today… and warm. You should be happy.

A/N A few more updates tonight because Carol said so ;u;