Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

The beeping sounds keep coming from the machine located next to the bed. It sounds like a timer, counting down the little times I have.

I still remember her words. She said time is a precious thing. And people should have treasured time instead of money. Because you will only have it once and you can never buy it back. Yet… now I know. I can’t trust on time too much. Time is indeed unreliable, because sometimes, when I need a longer time, it becomes a liar, that years seems like months, months seems like weeks, weeks seems like days, days seems like hours and hours seems like minutes.

I know my times is short. I have been in this room for a week that feels like only a couple of hours to me. There is not enough time. My time has gotten lessen and lessen each minutes I spent in this lonely room. Yet, I can’t really do anything.

Only if I can conquer time, I won’t only stop this little time I have, but I, more than anything, want to rewind the time. So I won’t have to go through this pain…alone.

I hold the cold hand engulfed inside my hand even tighter. If the doctors couldn’t do anything anymore, it would be the least I can do. Being next to her and giving the little warm I have left inside my heart.

My chest feels tightened as time goes by, bearing all the pain that creeping into my already broken heart. The pang comes filling the room inside it, then squeezing it firm, trying to breaking everything left inside it.

But I can’t give in to this pain.

I won’t let the only precious things I have to be crushed into pieces. I won’t let it happen. My feeling and my memories of her are the only things I have. The only things that makes me still alive.

---

I looked at the framed picture inside the glasses cupboard before shifting my gaze to the woman who was holding me. It showed a photo of young man that looked like me.

“Umma, how is Appa look like in real life?”

She turned her head to look at me. “He is a handsome man, honey.”

“Is he tall?”

“Of course.”

“Is he fat, Umma?” I asked again.

“Of course not, TaeTae. Your Appa is the healthiest and the fittest person on earth,” she said with a round of chuckle.

“Really, Umma?”

“Yes, honey.”

“Then I wanna be like Appa.”

“Umma’s little prince wanna be like Appa?”

I nodded joyfully.

“Then you have to be strong and kindhearted like Appa also,” she replied with a radiant smile.

“I will, Umma. I will!”

“Nah, that’s my boy.”

I smiled as she kissed my forehead.

---

She is an angel for me.

A wingless angel.

She has the purest, kindest and most sincere heart in this entire universe. She is also the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life. Nothing can beats her smile. Looking at her smile merely can heal my sadness and pain.

Nevertheless, I know too that she is not perfect.

But….

She is still my everything.

---

I ran towards her as soon as I arrived at home. She wrapped me around her arms and patted my back gently.

“Sshh. Sshh. Don’t cry, baby.” She whispered it warmly.

I cried in her arms until her sleeves soaked by my tears.

“What’s going on?”

“They…they *hiccup* said I’m an *hiccup* illegitimate child,” I uttered between my tears.

“Sssh. Sssh. It’s not true, honey. You’re Umma and Appa daughter.”

In between my sobs, I said, “but…but…they said I don’t have Appa.”

“You know it’s not true, right? We always visit him every week.” She let go of me so she could see my face before wiping out my tears with her thumbs.

“I’ve said it, Umma. But they don’t believe me. They want to see Appa.” I pouted. “I wanna see him too. Why did he leave us Umma?” I had stopped crying.

She smiled at me and caressed my cheek.

“Appa left us so early because he was protecting us, honey. He stood strong until the last breath he had to give us life.”

“But Umma, I miss him.”

“Me too, honey. But remember this,” she stared at my eyes with a gentle look before continued, “the ones that love us never truly leave us. He is always with us.”

“Is he?”

She nodded. “Here.” She put her hand on my chest. “You can always find him there. He always lives inside your heart.”

I moved my hand to my chest and closed my eyes. Is he here?

“He won’t go anywhere as long as we keep thinking about him. As long as we still love him.” She smiled again to me. “And he will always watching us from above,” added her.

Above? I looked up at the ceiling.

She giggled looking at me. “Not there, TaeTae. But far away from where God is.”

“Appa is with God now?”

“Yes, honey. He is. He is now watching you together with God. So when every time you’re in need he will always ask the Lord to help you. He is always protecting us. Even now.”

A smile slowly formed in my tears drained face. “Appa is awesome!!”

“Of course, he is.”

“I am so lucky to have an Appa like him.” I grinned widely.

“You are, honey,” she patted my head. “And Umma is so lucky to have you.” She smiled again, accentuating the aging line that started to form on the corner of her eyes.

I looked at her.

“You really look like him.”

I giggled. “Of course I am, Umma. I am Appa and Umma daughter.”

“Yes, you’re right. But you inherit your Appa look so much. You have your Appa’s eyes.”

I knew it. She really liked to praise my brown orb eyes. She said it reminded her of him.

“No wonder I’m so handsome.”

She chuckled. “Yes, you are, my handsome prince.”

I grinned looking at her. But then she pulled me into a tight hug. I could hear her calming breath and rhythmic heartbeat clearly. Not long after, she pulled away a bit to look at me.

At that time, I was really mesmerized by her beauty, especially her smile. I thought I was seeing an angel, because it was really a heavenly smile. Just by looking at it, my heart felt so calm and filled with happiness. I knew I’ll be happy as long as I could keep that smile on her face.

“We love you, TaeTae. Always.” She pulled me into another embrace.

Yes.

She never stop loving me. And he never stop loving me. Not even once.

---

I touch my pained chest. It is hurt. More than it’s used to be.

In the past, I also felt the pain in my chest. A different kind of pain.

I know how it feels like to have shortness of breath like my throat is choked up by a large things that block the air to fill up my lungs. It hurts.

I know how it feels like to have a striking pain on my chest like my heart is taken away and squeezed so hard until no more blood left inside. It hurts.

I know how it feels like to have a persistent wheezing that hurts my throat and all my upper body muscles. It hurts.

Therefore, it is a physical pain caused by my weak heart.

But that kind of pain does not exist anymore.

She has taken away my pain, with all of her love and sacrifice.

But as a consequence, a new pain comes as an exchange.

The pain from knowing all of her suffering.

---

“Hah…Hah…Hah…Hah…Hah…”

“Honey. What’s wrong?”

“Um…Hah…Hah…Hah…”

I tried to say something but I couldn’t.

“Honey….” She looked at me in horror. I could see clearly how frightened she was.

Honestly me too.

I was so scared.

That night I was sleeping peacefully next to her. But then I felt my chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe properly. My brain immediately commanded me to wake up and inhaled more oxygen into my lungs. But it didn’t do any good. I still felt the air inside my lungs wasn’t much enough to supply my body need. I kept inhaling and inhaling.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay. Umma is here.” She hold both of my shoulders.

“Don’t be scared. You can breathe. You can, honey. Follow Umma, okay?” She looked at me caringly and helped me to sit up.

I tried to nod between my breathlessness.

“Now inhale deep.” She gave instruction before inhaling oxygen as much as she could. “Then exhale.” She let out her breathe through .

I followed her once, yet it didn’t give much effect.

“Don’t worry. Let’s do it again.” She gave her assured smile. “Now inhale.”

I did it again. Again and again.

And it worked. Finally I could breathe more properly and laid back on the bed again. That night she kissed my forehead tenderly and held me dearly in my sleep. I could feel her warmth and love radiating to me. It immediately washed away all of my pain and fear. I became more relax and could go back to sleep. All thanks to her.

The next morning, she insisted me to go to the hospital and got me checked up.

The doctor was so nice to me. He smiled all the time. Then he asked me to lie on the bed so he could check my heart, he said. He put that cold circular thing on my chest and tried to hear my heartbeat through the tube connected to his ears. After a couple of minutes, he smiled again to me and let me go to her again.

I was sitting next to her while she had a talk with the doctor.

I was only six years old at that time, so I didn’t understand what they were saying. But I was more than sure I saw a sad expression on her face throughout the conversation.

I tugged her shirt. “What’s wrong Umma?”

But she replied with a smile on her face. “It’s alright, honey. Don’t worry.” She patted my head and kissed my temple in the end.

I was still young at that time, but I already knew that it was a lie. What the doctor said must be something bad. Why? Because her smile wasn’t like her other smiles that I adored so much.

It was true nonetheless.

In no time, I was ushered to a new room.

I was told to change my t-shirt with the prepared green cloth then got inside a small room. There I had to lay down on the bed, facing a plate-like machine and hold my breath also be very still for two or three seconds. I didn’t knew what they did because I was just lying there and then asked to go out again after no more than five minutes.

I became more confused when she took me to another room.

“Umma, what will we do?”

“Doctor want to check something, TaeTae. It is to make sure you’re as strong as your Appa.” She smiled.

“But I’m scared Umma.”

“It’s okay, honey. It won’t hurt and the doctor will do it very quickly that you won’t notice anything.”

“Are you sure, Umma?”

“Yes, honey. Beside, Umma will always be there for you. So you don’t have to be scared.”

“You won’t leave me?”

“No, honey.” She smiled. I was pulled into a hug and then was kissed on my forehead gently. “Umma won’t leave you.”

Slowly braveness was built inside my heart after hearing her convincing word. I finally went inside the room and lied on the bed. They put a lot of circle white things on my chest that was connected to machine next to my bed. I was scared at first, but I could see her from the window was smiling at me and gave me ‘fighting’ sign. It was enough for me to finish the examination until the end.

The next thing I did was waiting together with her to be called into the doctor’s room.

Inside the room, I could hear the doctor said that my heart was weak so it couldn’t pump blood well. He told her that I had a heart failure.

Being only six years old, I didn’t really understand what that was except that it wasn’t a good condition. My condition must be not good, because…. she was crying.

That was the first time I saw my strong angel crying in front of me.

---

I look at her.

In addition to the oxygen mask on her face and the IV line on her wrist, she has changed a lot.

As time goes by, she gets thinner and thinner. Only a little left of her muscle. Her bones shape can be seen clearly on her skin. Her knees, her elbows, her shoulders. It is all prominently showed on her thin skin. And her cheekbones protrude clearly on her face because of the lack fat and muscle on it.

She looks like a living skeleton.

But even so, she is still the most beautiful woman in my eyes.

No matter what happened to her physical body, her beautiful heart inside can always outshine the ugliness on the outside.

I can’t hold my tears any longer. It is too painful seeing her in this kind of condition. The woman who always be strong in front of me now only a helpless human in form of skinned skeleton.

The warm tears dropped freely from my eyes.

And I’m crying. Crying. And crying.

To less my pain.

But apparently, it can’t. My heart still feels so heavy. And the pain in my chest won’t go away.

I cry hard until my tears wet the bed sheet.

Just then, I feel something is moving.

It is her hand. She tries to hold mine.

“Honey.”

It is her voice. That’s right. She keeps calling me ‘honey’ even though I’m gonna be sixteen this years.

“Don’t cry.”

“Umma?” I hold her hand with mine.

“Don’t cry,” she repeated.

I try to stop my sobbing and then wipe away my tears with my palm.

“Y…You..,” she tried to talk while staring at me.

“What is it, Umma?”

“You have your Appa’s eyes.” corners curve up a bit.

“Umma…”

My tears fell again uncontrollably.

“Honey…”

“Yes, Umma?”

“Please smile.”

“Umma…” I closed my eyes as it is all covered with my glistening tears.

“One last time, honey.”

I bit my lips and clench my fists. I hate to hear things like that from her, like this is the end. But maybe this is the last thing I can do for her. I open my eyes and slowly curve my mouth into a smile.

“You’re handsome.” Her cheeks lifted up from trying to smile.

“Um…Umma,” I choked up by my own tears.

“Don’t cry Taeng. Come here,” she pleaded with her very low voice.

I, while trying to control my tears, move closer to her. I bring my head closer to her. And then I can feel her weak lips softly kiss my forehead. All my effort to control my tears is going in vain. I cry harder in no time. I immediately hug her in my crying.

She whispered softly in my ears, trying to calm myself. But it isn’t like what happened when I was young. Her action only makes me cry harder. I realize how much she loves me. Even though she is in a very weak state, she still think of me first. Never stop caring me.

“Honey…” she breathed deeply after I become more stable. “When you get home, look at the first drawer.”

I don’t understand. I release my hug and look at her with a clear confusion portrayed in my teary eyes.

But she smiled before trying to talk again. “I love you, honey.” A lone tear escapes her right eye.

“Forever.”

Beep…….Beep……Beep…..Beep…..Beep…Beep..Beep.BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep

The beeping sound suddenly is getting faster and faster.

“Umma?”

And she closed her eyes with a smile on her face.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppppppppp……………………….

The sound from the machine has changed into a long beep. It is echoing inside the whole room. The sound is like a death call to me, surrounding me from every sides of the room. And the monitor now is showing a long green flat line on it.

My eyes immediately grow bigger and my heart beats faster.

“Umma?? Umma??”

I shake her body frantically.

“Wake up Umma! Wake up! I’m still here!” I keep shaking her body.

But there is no respond from her. And the monitor keep making that long beeping sound. It really makes me scared.

No! No! It can’t be happened!

---

I have spent my entire life with her.

I don’t have anyone else but her.

My only family is her. She is an orphan and so do him. My family is that small, only me, her and him.

My childhood was not like other children either. Because of my illness I couldn’t go out and play with other children on the park. At school I couldn’t play too. And no one wanted to play with me, or even talk to me. Because I have no father and I am so poor.

The condition is the same with my neighborhood. They exclude me and her. No one ever want to say hi back to us. Not even giving a look. We are labeled as ‘social illnesses’.

That is my life that I’ve been bearing all this time.

There is no other family. There is no friend. There is no neighbor. There is no one else but us.

But I can last it all because I have her.

She is my pillar of strength. The source of my will and strength to continue my life despite everything unfortunate that happen in my life.

She is always pouring me with so much amount of love. The attention, the thought, the smile, the hug, the kiss. It is all form of her love towards me. So even though I don’t live a fortunate life, I am able to feel the greatest thing in this world.

HER LOVE.

I don’t need anything else, except her. My wingless angel.

Without her, I don’t know how I will become.

---

“Umma, I’m home.” I shouted as soon as I opened my house’s door and then ran to our small living room.

“Welcome home, TaeTae,” she said from the kitchen.

I could see her was cutting some vegetables for our lunch. After all, the kitchen and the living room wasn’t too far away, there was no separation either. Our house was too small to have separate rooms. We only had one bedroom, one bathroom also a shared living room and kitchen.

I was so excited. My stomach had growled since at school. That drum inside my tummy wouldn’t stop beating if I didn’t feed them soon. But I didn’t worry anymore. She would finish the lunch soon that also meant I could have a tasty food soon.

I smiled imagining what I was going to eat later.

Just then…

A pang of pain attacked my chest.

I clutched into my chest, dug my nails into it. “Hah…Hah…Hah…Hah…”

It felt like my lungs had been drowned by fluids and couldn’t fit air anymore. As I was trying to grasp more oxygen and filled my lung, the pain in my chest became much more unbearable. My body felt weak and I could no longer support myself to sit. Finally I fell to the floor with a sound of bang. This position made me much harder to breath.

“Hah…Hah…Hah…Hah…” I opened my mouth as big as I could to inhale the oxygen while still clutching at my chest.

“TaeTae??”

I could hear her voice.

“TaeTae?!”

And this time her clearly panic tone.

I didn’t know what happened next because eventually my vision was blackened and finally I collapsed into the darkness.

---

“Aren’t the medicines working?”

“The medicines can only help her temporarily. It doesn’t cure his weak heart.”

“But sonsaengnim, there must be a way, isn’t it?”

Silence.

“Sonsaengnim!!”

A sound of a sigh.

“We can’t do anything about his weak heart right now. But the medicines will help his days.”

“I’m not asking something like that. I’m asking you to cure him. To save him.”

“I’m sorry, Mam.”

“Please, please. Do anything, sonsaengnim. Isn’t there something you can do?”

“There is one thing we can do. But…”

“What is it?”

“It’s a heart transplantation.”

“Then just do it, sonsaengnim.”

“I’m sorry, Mam. But it’s not possible right now. First of all, there is no donor for him. We have to search for the donor first. And second…”

“What is it? Is it about the cost?”

“Yes. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s possible to be done. It is not covered in his health insurance and the cost is too expensive.”

I squinted my eyes and welcomed by an unfamiliar white ceiling together with strange odor. This didn’t feel like home.

Where am I?

Faintly, I heard a familiar voice not far away.

“There is nothing too expensive for my son’s life, sonsaengnim.”

It was her voice.

“I know that. But I mean, the disadvantages are too big, Mam.”

“Are you saying my son’s life is not important?” This time she raised her tone.

I furrowed my eyebrows. I wondered if she was arguing with someone. I never heard she raised her voice before.

“No, Mam. It’s not like that. Every life is important.”

“Then stop saying things like that. If that is the only way to save my son’s life, then we have to do it. How much is the cost?”

Her daughter? It must be me they are talking about.

“Mam…”

“Answer me, sonsaengnim!” She interjected

“It’s about a million dollars.”

“A…a million…dollars.”

I gasped hearing the enormous amount of money said by the man. It made them turned their head to me. “TaeTae? Are you awake?”

I tried to nod but my head felt throbbing all over and so heavy, so I cancelled my action. I only looked at her instead.

“We’ll discuss it later.” I heard she said before making her way towards my bed.

“Where am I, Umma?” I asked with a low voice.

“You’re in the hospital, honey. How do you feel now?” She asked as her hand caressed my face gently.

I finally understood my surroundings. The white ceiling and strange odor. I could also feel a needle pierced on my wrist, connected to the IV drip next to my bed.

“I feel dizzy.”

“Sleep again then.”

“I can’t, Umma.”

“Hmm, why?”

“I’m afraid. It’s all dark. And I’m alone.”

She smiled. “Now you know Umma is here. You’re not alone anymore. Umma will stay here by your side. So don’t be afraid again. Aren’t you Umma and Appa fearless son?”

“I am, Umma. But…” I pouted.

“Umma promised you everything will be alright, okay?” she said with a smile.

I smiled back weakly. “Okay.”

“Sleep then.” She kissed my forehead before my hair softly.

“Can you sing a song for me?” I requested.

“Hmm, what song do you want, honey?”

“Anything Umma. I want to keep hearing your voice.”

She chuckled knowing my answer. “Alright then. Umma will sing for you.”

And she started to sing for me. My favorite song and my favorite voice. Hearing her voice was so calming. It was like listening to angel sings. Slowly, I could closed my eyes again and drift to sleep. She kept singing for me all the night until I really fell to sleep.

Before I really lost my consciousness, I vaguely remembered a wet kiss on my forehead. A one long kiss. Along with her faint voice.

“I will always protect you. I promise, you will be healthy again, honey. No matter what.”

---

The door is suddenly opened and people run inside quickly with equipment in hand. There are one doctor and three nurses. Every footsteps, slow ones, rushed ones, heavy ones, all heading towards her. I am gently pulled away from the bed side as the doctor breathlessly gives out order again and again as he put a mask connected to bag and started pump it out. The tall nurse was on the bed, doing a chest compression to her, while the others doing what the doctor instructed.

“Please save her.” I plead to the doctor.

“Yes. We will do our best here.” One of the nurses answers me instead. “Please stay outside.” The nurse tells me.

I shake my head. I don’t want to leave her side.

“We ask you,” The nurse asks again politely.

I look at her one last time before heave a heavy sigh and reluctantly drag my body outside the ICU room. I hope they can save her.

The clocks keep ticking by as I’m waiting on the outside. I sit on the bench at the corridor in front of her room with a big fear haunting behind my back. My body can’t stay still. It keeps trembling on its own.

I bite my nails nervously. It has been my habit whenever I’m scared.

I’m really scared right now.

I don’t want to be left alone.

Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. It expresses the pain of being alone, without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me. And it slowly chews me up from inside without any warnings beforehand.

I want no more loneliness in my life.

I have enough of being left.

---

After that night, she had determined herself to do anything so I could undergo the operation.

I didn’t like it though.

She constantly left me alone at home for work. Day and night. Seven days a week.

I didn’t like being lonely.

In the past, she would always be there for me, even though she still had to work. Nowadays, her time for me had decreased a lot. It was only in the evening, when she brought the dinner for me. I didn’t get to sleep together with her anymore either.

Because of the lonely feeling and my craving love for her, I’d been acting differently. I passed my elementary school doing a lot of mischievous things. And the bad things still continued. I wished she would pay more attention to me if I acted badly. But nope. I was wrong. She kept working and working.

I was really disappointed.

I started to ignore her and demanded this and that from her. If I couldn’t get her attention then she should give me what I want.