Being brave is something I always want. Since young I’ve been taught to be courageous all the time. But sometimes, there are something too scary for me which I can’t face it strong enough. And in the times like that, I wish I could get her braveness, even only for a piece.

If she said Appa is the bravest person on earth, I would said otherwise.

She is indeed the bravest person in this world.

She gives her life for me. Without fearing any consequences.

She faces everything for the sake of my life.

She gives me life, with her life as an exchange.

---

Finally, the most awaited day had come. After waiting for almost ten years in a grey area where lied an uncertainty of being under the haunting of death, today I would eventually decide on a side of the line I’d been treading. I was going to have an operation to transplant new heart to me in matter of minutes.

I was laying on my bed, waiting for the nurses to fetch me into the operation room. I’d prepared myself for this. I was happy to finally get this chance to be better and healthier. But the anxiety inside me wouldn’t get away so easily. I was scared. What if I couldn’t make it through the operation? What if I didn’t get better after the operation? The ‘what ifs’ kept occupying my head.

“Honey,” she called me with her soft voice.

“Yes, Umma?” I turned my head to her.

“Don’t be afraid. You’ll be alright. You’re my fearless daughter,” she looked at me with her tender look. “Aren’t you happy with it?”

I nodded a little. “I am, Umma. But what if everything doesn’t go as it plan.”

“It won’t honey. Don’t worry. It won’t.” She flashed her reassuring smile. “You know why?”

I shook my head.

“It’s because we have waited for this chance for a long time. And because I will never stop praying for your operation to go well. You will be healthy and live long.”

I lifted my hand to touch her cheek before wiping the warm tears. “Why are you crying, Umma?”

“It’s tears of joy, honey. I’m happy. I’m really happy for you.” She sniffled a bit and wiped her tears with her own arms. She took my hand and hold it.

“You are really important for me, honey. I only want you to be healthy and live a normal life. And finally today, you can have it. There is not enough words can show how much gratitude I have for you to have this chance. It’s a blissful moment for me. I’m really happy.” She cupped my hand with both of hers and kissed it for a while.

The feeling of joy clearly shown on her face. couldn’t stop from forming the curved shape and her eyes never extinguished its own bright light. She looked very happy even though her body seemed vulnerable that could be broken into pieces anytime soon.

With the strength she gave me, finally I entered the operation room and met the bright light. The anxiety wanted to creep back into my heart, but I didn’t let it come. I believed in what she said. I would be alright. I didn’t have to worry.

After a small chat with the doctor, I slowly lost my consciousness and without realize had gone deeper into my subconsciousness. I dreamed about my life after the operation. It was a happy life together with her. I would finally graduate from high school and she stood next to me, saying she was proud of me. Then I would start my university day while I would be working to help our daily needs. I ended my college excellently and started working at one of the biggest company in Seoul.

I had a good and happy life together with her.

---

Drip…

Drip…

Drip…

I faintly heard a sound of water dropped on my right side.

“Euungh.”

I shifted my body a bit but it felt heavy and my head was throbbing a lot.

“Are you awake?”

A woman’s voice greeted me. But it wasn’t hers. I opened my eyes and found out it was the nurse who was checking my IV drip. I didn’t answer the nurse instead searching for her around the room. But I couldn’t see her anywhere and it only caused my head to hurt more.

“Where is Umma?” I said with my hoarse voice.

“I’m sorry I don’t know,” the nurse said apologetically.

I lifted my left hand to my head. Why did it felt so heavy? And where was her? I tried to fight the surge of pain that invaded my head as I waited for her to come. But I lost too early and suffocated back to the darkness.

---

After what seems like century, I finally stop myself from crying and use both of my hands to wipe away the tears. Then I brace myself to get inside the room. I need to see her again.

My steps are getting heavier as I’m getting closer to her. She has now been covered by a white large fabric up to her head.

I stand next to her bed and with shaking hands pulled down the white fabric so I can see her face again.

She looks helpless just like when the first time I saw her in this very same room. She looks weak and pale. I touch her face. It feels cold. Really cold.

“Umma….”

And a drop of tears can’t be stopped to fall from my eyes to her pale face.

I bring my body down and hug her unmoving body. I hope I can hear her breath or her heartbeat again like I’m used to, but there is no more. It’s filled with silence. Nothing else can be heard except my ceaseless sobs.

---

I woke up again to get an information that she was treated in the ICU. I couldn’t contain my shock. What happened to her? Why did she admitted to the ICU? Was her condition that bad? And because of that sudden news, my condition dropped again. My pulse dropped down and I started to feel the shortness of breath again.

It made me stuck in my room for a couple of days without getting to see her at all. I couldn’t move without help. And it was only a short distance. It really made me frustrated but the thought of her was the thing that could make me strong. She became the biggest motivation for me. I survived and recovered. After a week, finally I could go out. My first destination was of course her room.

I entered the room with a heavy heart. I gasped when I saw her condition. She looked so vulnerable and helpless. An oxygen mask attached to her nose and mouth. A lot of cable patched on her body. Her face was so pale like there were no more blood flew through it. She felt cold beneath my touch.

Seeing her like that felt like a persistent suffocating feeling. Like I was dragged into the deepest ocean where there was no surface to it so even so I tried hard to reach it, I would never be able to. But I could neither escape to my unconsciousness, because it seemed there was always be a bit of air that made me alive… in pain.

“How long has she been like this?” I asked the doctor that just entered the room.

“It was right after your operation. She collapsed right after you exited the operation room,” he explained.

I tried to fight the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes. She tried so hard to hold on until she was sure I was alright. She always think about me and take care of me.

I inhaled deeply before turning my head to the doctor. “What happened to her, doctor?”

Everything he was going to say could not be good, so I readied myself to hear whatever the reason behind her weak state. But even so, actually I wasn’t prepared enough to know the truth.

“She is infected with HIV. Now she has entered the AIDS stage where her immune system drops really low. She can’t fight another infections. Our reports show that her visceral organs had all been infected and caused complications. It seems that she has severe malnutrition as well.”

As the words slowly processed inside my mind, my strength drained away from my body, leaving me in a weary state. I almost fell to the ground if the doctor didn’t quickly hold me up.

“Thank you,” I said in waver.

The doctor smiled and helped me to sit on the chair nearby. My body trembled on its own from the tremendous fear built up inside me. I bit my nails in order to cease away the fear. But I couldn’t. My vision was getting blurred because of my tears. It started to disorientate.

“You should rest.”

I shook my head in despair. I didn’t want to be separated from her again. I’d fought hard to be able to see her. I couldn’t leave her again. I wanted to be by her side. Just like what she always did for me whenever I needed her. So this time, I would do it for her.

“What can we do to save her?” I lifted my head to look at the man, hoping he would have some awesome ideas to save her.

The head shaking of him symbolized the waving of the white flag.

“I’m sorry. We can’t do anything. It’s too late.”

---

I’m told to go back home first. Actually I don’t want to leave her side, but I remember her last words. She asked me to go take a look at the first drawer at home. Although I don’t know what she meant, but I better find out soon.

The house is so dark. It’s been empty for half a month now.

I switched on the lamp. The light shows how much dirt have covered up a few furniture we have. But I can care less. My goal is to find out what it is one the first drawer. The drawer is located in the bedroom. I open it slowly. There is a letter folded neatly inside the drawer she mentioned. I furrow my eyebrows and pick it up.

What will it be?

Is it some kind of death message?

I sit on the floor then open the letter carefully. I can see her neat handwriting on it. I start reading it in my heart.

---

Plip.

Plop.

Plip.

Plop.

It’s only nine in the morning but the sky is already getting darker around me. The wind swayed the branches of nearby tree gently as it sings a bitter melancholy through my ears. It started raining, as if heaven was crying along with me up there.

It appears that today God changes the sky too early, it has been painted grey already. I think the