Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

The beeping sounds keep coming from the machine located next to the bed. It sounds like a timer, counting down the little times I have.

I still remember her words. She said time is a precious thing. And people should have treasured time instead of money. Because you will only have it once and you can never buy it back. Yet… now I know. I can’t trust on time too much. Time is indeed unreliable, because sometimes, when I need a longer time, it becomes a liar, that years seems like months, months seems like weeks, weeks seems like days, days seems like hours and hours seems like minutes.

I know my times is short. I have been in this room for a week that feels like only a couple of hours to me. There is not enough time. My time has gotten lessen and lessen each minutes I spent in this lonely room. Yet, I can’t really do anything.

Only if I can conquer time, I won’t only stop this little time I have, but I, more than anything, want to rewind the time. So I won’t have to go through this pain…alone.

I hold the cold hand engulfed inside my hand even tighter. If the doctors couldn’t do anything anymore, it would be the least I can do. Being next to her and giving the little warm I have left inside my heart.

My chest feels tightened as time goes by, bearing all the pain that creeping into my already broken heart. The pang comes filling the room inside it, then squeezing it firm, trying to breaking everything left inside it.

But I can’t give in to this pain.

I won’t let the only precious things I have to be crushed into pieces. I won’t let it happen. My feeling and my memories of her are the only things I have. The only things that makes me still alive.

---

I looked at the framed picture inside the glasses cupboard before shifting my gaze to the woman who was holding me. It showed a photo of young man that looked like me.

“Umma, how is Appa look like in real life?”

She turned her head to look at me. “He is a handsome man, honey.”

“Is he tall?”

“Of course.”

“Is he fat, Umma?” I asked again.

“Of course not, honey. Your Appa is the healthiest and the fittest person on earth,” she said with a round of chuckle.

“Really, Umma?”

“Yes, honey.”

“Then I wanna be like Appa.”

“Umma’s little princess wanna be like Appa?”

I nodded joyfully.

“Then you have to be strong and kindhearted like Appa also,” she replied with a radiant smile.

“I will, Umma. I will!”

“Nah, that’s my girl.”

I smiled as she kissed my forehead.

---

She is an angel for me.

A wingless angel.

She has the purest, kindest and most sincere heart in this entire universe. She is also the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life. Nothing can beats her smile. Looking at her smile merely can heal my sadness and pain.

Nevertheless, I know too that she is not perfect.

But….

She is still my everything.

---

I ran towards her as soon as I arrived at home. She wrapped me around her arms and patted my back gently.

“Sshh. Sshh. Don’t cry, baby.” She whispered it warmly.

I cried in her arms until her sleeves soaked by my tears.

“What’s going on?”

“They…they *hiccup* said I’m an *hiccup* illegitimate child,” I uttered between my tears.

“Sssh. Sssh. It’s not true, honey. You’re Umma and Appa daughter.”

In between my sobs, I said, “but…but…they said I don’t have Appa.”

“You know it’s not true, right? We always visit him every week.” She let go of me so she could see my face before wiping out my tears with her thumbs.

“I’ve said it, Umma. But they don’t believe me. They want to see Appa.” I pouted. “I wanna see him too. Why did he leave us Umma?” I had stopped crying.

She smiled at me and caressed away my bangs to the side so she could see my face more clearly.

“Appa left us so early because he was protecting us, honey. He stood strong until the last breath he had to give us life.”

“But Umma, I miss him.”

“Me too, honey. But remember this,” she stared at my eyes with a gentle look before continued, “the ones that love us never truly leave us. He is always with us.”

“Is he?”

She nodded. “Here.” She put her hand on my chest. “You can always find him there. He always lives inside your heart.”

I moved my hand to my chest and closed my eyes. Is he here?

“He won’t go anywhere as long as we keep thinking about him. As long as we still love him.” She smiled again to me. “And he will always watching us from above,” added her.

Above? I looked up at the ceiling.

She giggled looking at me. “Not there, honey. But far away from where God is.”

“Appa is with God now?”

“Yes, honey. He is. He is now watching you together with God. So when every time you’re in need he will always ask the Lord to help you. He is always protecting us. Even now.”

A smile slowly formed in my tears drained face. “Appa is awesome!!”

“Of course, he is.”

“I am so lucky to have an Appa like him.” I grinned widely.

“You are, honey,” she patted my head. “And Umma is so lucky to have you.” She smiled again, accentuating the aging line that started to form on the corner of her eyes.

I looked at her.

“You really look like him.”

I giggled. “Of course I am, Umma. I am Appa17 and Umma daughter.”

“Yes, you’re right. But you inherit your Appa look so much. You have your Appa’s eyes.”

I knew it. She really liked to praise my brown orb eyes. She said it reminded her of him.

“No wonder I’m so beautiful.”

She chuckled. “Yes, you are, my beautiful princess.”

I grinned looking at her. But then she pulled me into a tight hug. I could hear her calming breath and rhythmic heartbeat clearly. Not long after, she pulled away a bit to look at me.

At that time, I was really mesmerized by her beauty, especially her smile. I thought I was seeing an angel, because it was really a heavenly smile. Just by looking at it, my heart felt so calm and filled with happiness. I knew I’ll be happy as long as I could keep that smile on her face.

“We love you, honey. Always.” She pulled me into another embrace.