The sound of footsteps echoes from outside the door and into my room, shattering the peaceful melancholy I’ve been having recently. The footsteps’ rhythm betrays the identity of their owner. I’ve known him for so long that perceiving those little things have already become second nature to me.

The footsteps stop right outside my door. Sighing and heavy breathing can be heard, showing the much obvious hesitation by the person on the on the other side. So he’s here now. Maybe it’s the day I’ve been dreading. I smile bitterly at my thoughts while waiting for him to get the courage he must need now.

He enters the room, and the light from the solitary lamp in the corner slowly illuminates him. I drink in his every feature; the features that have haunted my dreams for the past years we’ve been together and have branded themselves into every corner of my heart and mind. His beauty still takes my breath away. His beauty still overwhelms, despite the furrow in his eyebrow and the concentration in his eyes; so different from the smiling and vivacious boy I fell in love with. But then, I fell in love with his everything. And I guess it will be my downfall.

He looks at me and I look at him. And the silence lingers. An eternity could have passed and I would have been contented. But the passing of time was only marked by the erratic beating of my heart. So fast, so unnatural, like it knows what will happen and it wants to run away. To escape the possibility of pain.

“Jiyong, we need to talk”, Seungri says as he looks at me. His eyes filled with the guilt he must be feeling.

I smile at him. Trying to disguise the wrenching pain that has overtaken my body at his words. So I was right. Today was the day. I simply said: “Yes?”. It was all I could muster.

“I think we need to break up”, he almost whispers at me. His shoulders hunched. His eyes cast down on the floor unable to meet mine.

“Okay”, was all I could say.

He looked at me, confusion etched into his face. “Aren’t you even gonna ask me why?”, Seungri almost barked at me.

I laughed, and it was a miracle that I could do that. “You wouldn’t be here asking me this if you still loved me”. I said, trying to tone down the bitterness and the sting of my words. After all, we would still have to interact for the band. And for me too. I would never be able to bear it if he was completely out of my life. So I must act civil. Or at least try to.

“How long have you known?” he asks, relief evident in his voice.

“A while. Everything just clicked”, I say, breathing deeply so as to prevent the tears which I knew were coming. I could break down when he’s not here. But right now, I must remain strong.

“Okay”, he says. His shoulders are straight now. His features lighter, brighter, and happier than he’s ever been the past few months. His footsteps are lighter too as he walks away from me.

But before he turns the knob we were both shocked by the words uttered by my mouth: “Did you ever love me?”. My voice cracked near the end.

He looks at me, pity flooding his eyes. “Yes”, he answers.

“Then why?”, I ask, a reflection of my façade slowly breaking.

“I’m not sure. I’m still confused”, he admits. I want to say something but before I could open my mouth, he continues. “I realized I loved you the same way as I love the other hyungs. I do care. I do think about you. But not that in that way anymore. Maybe it was never in that way”.

I nod. So all my overthinking was actually right. “You were too young and impressionable I guess, to know any better”, I said to him, my guilt reflecting in my voice.

He nods. And says, “And you were so perfect. So beautiful. And I worshipped you”.

I smile, remembering those olden, better times. “Yes, you worshipped me, but then you realized I’m not a God. That I’m just human.”

He shook his head. “No hyung, I just realized that me worshipping you was not romantic love.”

I then stare at his eyes noticing his constantly looks at the door. I wanted to laugh because his body was already angling towards it. Perfect timing. I needed to be alone now. “You may go now”, I say to him, looking away. Unable and refusing to see him literally walking away from me.

I expected that with the sound of the door closing, and all the metaphors it reflected, would trigger my breakdown. But all I could feel was numbness now. Only one thought flooded my mind. Would it have been better to have never known his love, or to have known it but for it to be be lost? I guess it’s a question I will deal with for as long as my heart still beats. Because despite everything, my wretched heart still beats for him. 

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A/N: Sorry for the short update. The scenario just wouldn't leave my head and I couldn't study so I decided to write it. Still not done writing for the Christmas collection so I still wouldn't be able to focus on this. T-T I have been building up my prompt list for this though. So please watch out for it and wait for me. ^^ I miss all of you though. I miss being here. I haven't been able to read much fanfic lately because of school. Hope everyone is doing well. ^^