YG was planning a big party prior to Se7en’s enlistment in the military and everyone in the YG Family was invited. After all, when everything is said and done, Se7en was one of the bigger stars of YG before Bigbang came along. He was also a valued artist and adviser of YG-hyungnim and a cherished friend amongst the rest of the family, whether artist or staff.

Rumors of Jiyong having a girlfriend had already spread throughout the company by this point and the pressure about formally introducing her to the company came at Jiyong wherever he went. It was when Yang Hyun Suk himself that told Jiyong to have Anna meet him that Jiyong decided that he would bring her along to Se7en’s party.

The night of the party finally came. Upon their arrival, Jiyong couldn’t stop himself from looking if Seungri was there. Half of him hoped that his Maknae was absent to avoid any possible awkward encounters between him and Anna. But the other half of him, as always, longed for Seungri’s presence. The rift between them made his presence just more obvious and potent to Jiyong whenever his dongsaeng was near. It was only Jiyong’s self-restraint and thoughts of embarassing Anna that held him in check.

Anna apparently noticed his restlessness because she asked him: “Are you looking for someone?”

Jiyong swallowed the lump caused by guilt in his throat and answered: “Just YG-hyungnim. I told you he wanted to meet you right?”

Anna looked at him weirdly and made an expression that was half-amused and half-quizzical. Jiyong was confused until Anna raised her index finger and pointed at something. Tracing her hand, he saw that she was pointing at YG who was actually standing just several feet to his right.

Grinning sheepishly, and acting as though he was just kidding around, Jiyong led Anna towards YG, who immediately engaged her in a conversation. Jiyong understands YG enough to know that he was very much concerned about him and treated him like a son, and thus, was very much interested in all the ongoings in his life. But since YG was very careful about expressing emotions, his concern will only show very intermittently and subtly. Jiyong knew that YG was dying to know more about the only girl that he had ever shown serious interest in and would not be shocked if YG was going to keep Anna busy for almost the rest of the night just to get information about her and her intentions towards him. But of course, YG was a professional, he was going to do it subtlely in a way that Anna was not going to be offended.

Jiyong then hugged Anna and told her: “Babe, I’m just gonna go around and talk to people. Don’t be scared of YG. Just answer him truthfully and he’ll see your charms. Just be yourself. I fell for it right? He’ll like you too.” He then pecked a kiss at his girlfriends’ forehead and with a bow at his boss, left the two alone.

Jiyong then started going from one table to another, mingling with the people he worked with. However, as he was being a social butterfly, he could feel a heavy stare following him wherever he went. He had  an inkling of who it was but didn’t have the courage to confirm if he was right about the person’s identity. He just focused on whoever he was talking to at the moment, trying but failing to ignore the weight of that persons’ stare.

A little while later, Jiyong ended the animated conversation he was having with Choice37 because of the call of nature. Even if there was a public bathroom, he had been pre-informed of a more private one especially set up for him and the other stars so that their safety could be ensured.

Even if there were instructions given to him, maybe because of his inebriation, or maybe because the club was too big, Jiyong got a little bit lost on his way to the private bathroom which was in another building altogether but still adjoining the dance area.  However, he eventually found it and finally relieved himself of the usual after-effects of booze.

With the discomfort gone, Jiyong leisurely made his way back to the main part of the club. However, just before the corridor leading to the dance floor he saw a silhouette on the other end of the passageway. Thinking nothing of it and not recognizing the person to whom the silhouette belonged to, Jiyong continued walking until he had passed the person when a familiar voice suddenly rang out.

“Am I really that easy to forget?” said Seungri, his face invisible in the barely lit corridor. Jiyong stopped, stilled by the hurt in the voice who hasn’t acknowledged his existence for months now. Jiyong slowly turned back, his eyes straining to even catch a glimpse of the Maknae’s face.

He then felt a slight pressure in his left arm as Seungri slowly pulled him back to the corridor where he just came from. As they moved forward, Jiyong couldn’t help but just stare at Seungri, his eyes focusing on his Maknae’s every feature as they get illuminated bit by bit. From Seungri’s eyes that were now more deep and sunken that it had ever been before, to his cheeks which had become more prominent and jutting out from his face, and to his lips that reeked of alcohol and yet still looked so kissably red and plump. Jiyong then took in all of Seungri’s face and noticed that it had become gaunt and paler, but still, Seungri was so beautiful. His eyes flitted back to Seungri’s eyes and he could see that his Maknae was also studying his features. When their eyes finally met, it felt like they were being pulled together by magnets, bringing them closer and closer, until their lips were just separated by a hair’s length, and he could feel Seungri’s breath on his lips and knew that Seungri could feel his every exhalation.

They stared at each other for a couple more seconds, each feeling the atmosphere, trying to gauge who’ll give in to the temptation first. Jiyong could smell the alcohol on Seungri’s breath, but it was Seungri’s scent that overpowered everything else, triggering his memories of happier times. It was the same scent that lingered on his bed on the mornings when they spent the nights tangled together in bed, the scent that brought comfort to him because it was the scent that enveloped him during the times he would cry on Seungri’s shoulder, the scent that to him meant love and acceptance and non-judgment, perfectly embodying its owner, that scent that he was always yearning for and had missed so freakin much these past few months. Wanting to breathe Seungri’s scent in even just a tiny bit deeper, Jiyong finally succumbed, and started to taste Seungri.

And when their tongues finally found each other, Jiyong felt at peace. He hadn’t known just how lost he was, but being with Seungri physically like this was like coming home after  years of being gone. There was just this sense of general rightness, with their faces squished together, Jiyong’s hand on Seungri’s neck and hair, Seungri’s hand on his waist, both of them bringing each other as close as they possibly can as though they were trying to merge into one.

When they finally ran out of air, they slowly pulled away from each other, Seungri not meeting Jiyong’s eyes no matter how hard the latter stared at his dongsaeng. Seungri then took a step back towards Jiyong, but instead of facing him head on, Seungri slowly laid his forehead onto Jiyong’s shoulder while hugging Jiyong tighter. Not even a minute later, Jiyong could feel wetness seeping through his clothing. Confusion, guilt, and terror all meshed inside Jiyong’s heart, and all he could do was to pat Seungri’s back.

Jiyong then heard a muffled whisper: “Why hyung? Do you really love her?”

Jiyong couldn’t answer. How could he when he also doesn’t know the answer to that. Actually he does, but he cannot tell it to Seungri, for it would be the undoing of everything he has worked so hard for. And so he lets the silence carry on, while trying to embed every single second of this unexpected encounter in his mind and heart so that in his vulnerable moments, he could look back to this time and remember the feel of Seungri being in his arms. Minutes passed and the whimpers became less and less pronounced, but Seungri’s breathing became harsher and harsher by contrast.

Jiyong was then shocked as he felt himself pushed against the wall, hitting it quite hard. But before he could react, he then felt Seungri’s lips on his own, now rougher than when their lips had reunited earlier before. This was Seungri in seduction mode. He kissed the same way he usually did when they still played their little game. Jiyong doesn’t know if Seungri has always had this hold on him or because it had been months, but Seungri’s kisses and touches were now more potent than ever. He felt himself literally drowning in all the sensations. And when Seungri finally was done sweetly abusing his mouth and moved his godlike lips to his neck, Jiyong could only let out a moan, which seemed to only encouraged Seungri further. The Maknae then Jiyong’s hardness from the outside of his pants, and Jiyong could only whimper in response. Seungri then whispered on his ear: “Can she do this to you? Does she know how to please you? Can she make you beg for her touches and kisses? Have you done it with her?” Seungri followed up each question with a little nip at Jiyong’s skin.

Lost in the sensations, Jiyong could only answer truthfully. “No. We haven’t even kissed”.

Seungri then smirked at Jiyong, holding his chin while the latter struggled to even his breathing. “At least I still have this over you. It’s your fault really. You taught me too well. You’ve created a monster. A monster who knows you, your every weakness, your every desire, your every thought, your every action, your every manipulation, just your everything, at least, in this aspect.” Seungri then laughed bitterly. “And like a real monster, I shall be your nightmare. Because you see Jiyongie, you will never find anyone who could please you like I do. You can never find someone who’ll be as good to you as I am for you. Only I can be everything you want ually”.

Jiyong then nodded and said “I know that”. Jiyong could then see Seungri’s expression melt into confusion, with his eyebrows furrowing and his clear eyes hazing. Jiyong could see that there was an unanswered question furiously raging in Seungri’s head, but both knew that Seungri would not articulate it. And so Seungri just captured Jiyong’s lips again in a bruising kiss, each feeling himself getting more and more desperate and slowly losing control.

Jiyong then hears footsteps from the adjoining corridor and panics, his hands instinctively shoving Seungri away, his reflexes wising up to the danger of their situation even before his head can. But Seungri cannot be swayed but even entrapped Jiyong’s arms and kissed him more forcefully. As the footsteps got nearer and nearer, Jiyong heart was racing badly, reflecting his fear of being caught. It was only when a gasp was heard that Seungri finally let Jiyong go. The suddenness of Seungri’s action made Jiyong fall to the ground. Seungri then held his hand out to help Jiyong up. As Jiyong was pulling himself up, he heard Seungri say: “Let’s see you fix this”. Seungri then let go of his hand. Jiyong’s eyes just followed Seungri as he was walking away. It was only when Seungri wordlessly passed the person who had seen them that Jiyong finally had the sense to try to ascertain who had caught them but upon meeting’s that person’s eyes, the only thing he could do was let his eyes drop to the floor.

Anna slowly walked towards Jiyong, tears starting to form in her eyes. Upon reaching Jiyong she made a move as if to hold Jiyong’s hands, but suddenly pulled her hand back and clenched it together. Anna then whispered: “Do you want to tell me what’s that all about?”. Jiyong just shook his head and said: “Please Anna. Can we just forget that ever happened?” Anna slowly nodded her head. Jiyong then embraced her and said: “I’m sorry”. Anna  just hugged him back. After a few seconds that felt like eternity to Jiyong, they then pulled apart. He held out his hand to Anna, pushing back the thought that Anna might not forgive him. Jiyong could see the hesitation in Anna’s eyes as she finally held his outstretched his hands. Together, they wordlessly went back to the dance floor and into the crowd, hand-in-hand, but their minds as far apart as they possibly can. They then pretended to be the loving couple for the rest of the night, as if nothing has happened, as if Anna and Jiyong’s relationship hadn’t just been shattered.

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It has been a few days since the incident and things with Anna were at their worst. She still met up with him, talked to him, laughed with him, but Jiyong could sense that Anna wasn’t her normal self. Of course, he understood completely, and that’s why he never called her out on it. If Anna could pretend then he can too. And so they pretended.

Nor were things with Seungri good. The Maknae was back to his avoiding tactics and Jiyong could do nothing but try to avoid him too. The other members by now were used to this strange dance between the leader and the maknae and said nothing about it. It got to the point that Youngbae, Daesung, and TOP knew that if they invited one, they couldn’t invite the other. It was saddening really, but at this point, everyone had given up hope for the cure.

For Jiyong daily life had become a constant cycle of struggle. At random moments of the day, he’d get a flashback as to what he and Seungri had done and what they almost did. He’d also get random flashes of the hurt in Ri’s eyes and the shock in Anna’s face. It was a constant battle between guilt and confusion that raged throughout his entire being, shaking him to his very core. There was nothing worse than fighting yourself because it is an internal hardship that one must bear alone, allowing only one’s own thoughts in one’s own heads to try to cancel each other out, so it’s no wonder that one could not be infused with clarity, because really, isn’t everyone blinded by their own beliefs and point of view?

At this point in time, Jiyong did not know what the right thing was anymore. Nor did he really comprehend what he was feeling. Memories with Seungri were both extremely happy yet tinged with anxiety, sadness, and pain. Memories with Anna were pockets of simple happiness that were pure, unadulterated, but felt unreal and had a shade of unnaturalness. And so the confusion raged on as Jiyong tried to live like he usually did, trying but failing to make everything seem normal.

Seungri’s words haunted him though. Seungri was right when he said that Jiyong was never going to find someone else who will affect him the way Seungri does. Jiyong acknowledges that, and he’s scared less because of it. The irony was he was with someone who was so much like Seungri but still at the dead of the night when he’s all vulnerable and when he can be purely himself, when the world and all its demands can be forgotten, when he was just purely Jiyong and not a trace of Gdragon was present, it was still Seungri’s hugs he missed, it was still Seungri’s kisses he craved, it was still Seungri’s scent that he wants to envelope him, it was still Seungri’s touches that he longs for, and it was still Seungri his heart has been calling out for.

His mind is so full of what ifs, his heart warring with his every thought. He wasn’t right for Seungri and Seungri wasn’t right for him, he repeated to himself over and over again. His “reasonable side” would always argue that their current relationship and all the levels they have ed up everything up could only point out to an end of mutual destruction between him and Seungri. But his heart would then beat and argue back, but wouldn’t it be a beautiful destruction?

His inner turmoil reflected on the outside and Jiyong showed up everday with darker circles in his eyes that just got darker and deeper, his face getting more and more thinner and paler, and just everything about him getting a little bit more and more lackluster. It had everyone worried. So one day after practice has ended, Taeyang suddenly put his arms around Jiyong’s shoulders and dragged his leader away, waving to the people who were inquiring where they were off to. Jiyong could hear words like “just shopping” and “bestfriend time” over the steadily increasing heartbeat that was pounding inside his ears. He was scared of confrontations because he didn’t know if he could honestly confide in someone. He didn’t think that he could handle a rejection, especially from someone close and dear to him, like Youngbae, the person who he has been with the longest, but the person from whom he hid his secrets from the most. Jiyong couldn’t lose Youngbae too. He just can’t. And so, over his nervousness, Jiyong started plotting out the conversation that was bound to happen.

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Jiyong wanted to laugh ironically  out loud as Youngbae started spouting off small talks first. Youngbae was brought up too well to immediately deal with the unpleasant topics and his core personality was just too nice that he couldn’t go to the confrontation part easily.  But Jiyong knew that Youngbae was sensitive and would be offended. At least, this small talk was safe, a sort of reprieve before the onslaught, where he could feign normalness and happiness and automatically answer without having to think of what he was going to say.

After beating around the bush for about half an hour, Jiyong could see through Youngbae’s gestures that he was steeling himself up to confront his bestfriend. And the dreaded words finally fell out of Youngbae’s mouth: “How are you really Jiyong?”

Jiyong could see that his friend was being serious now. Taeyang’s eye smile was not present, his shoulders were stiffly raised up, his fists clenched at the table, and his eyes shining with concern. Jiyong decided to be as truthful as he can without actually giving away what had happened.

“Honestly Youngbae, I’m not okay. Anna and I haven’t really been well. Uhm. I did something which I shouldn’t have and she saw it. And she’s pretty mad at me but we’ve never talked about it,” said Jiyong as though he were rushing through them, forcing the words out.

“Do you wanna talk about with her?” asked Youngbae.
 

“Honestly, no. At this point, it’s been done already. And talking about it will just complicate things more. There are some aspects in my life I want a fresh new start at. And I was hoping it was gonna be with Anna”, said Jiyong truthfully, finally calming down.

Jiyong could see Youngbae looking at him strangely, as though seeing him for the first time. Guilt was slowly rising inside the Jiyong like the lump in his throat that suddenly appeared. He knew why Youngbae stared at him. Youngbae has figured out that Jiyong was keeping something from him. Jiyong could only wait with bated breath as to what Youngbae would do next. Jiyong noticed Youngbae do an almost imperceptible nod, as though the latter had just reached a decision.

“Well, if you don’t want to talk to her, how are you gonna fix it?” said Youngbae.

Jiyong wanted to sigh in relief. So Youngbae wasn’t going to call him out on it. Jiyong just answered: “I honestly don’t know. I’ve been at a loss on what to do. I just want to reassure her that everything can continue as is. And it is. But it’s different. Everything’s different. Aurgh. I’m just so confused Youngbae, I don’t know what to do anymore”.

“You do know the irony of asking me, Bigbang’s eternal , no girlfriend since birth and the forever third wheel about love advice right?” Youngbae said and they just both erupted in guffaws. It felt like forever to GD since he laughed like this. Sincerely. Truthfully. Unabashedly.

When their laughter finally died down after a few seconds later. Youngbae said: “Honestly. I don’t know. But if what you did made her insecure about your relationship then you have to reassure her through something else. Like how about giving her something that will represent a promise towards her. A promise that you’ll be a better boyfriend? Like.. hmmm. Promise.. what usually represents a promise? A pinky swear, no that’s childish… hmmmm.. promise.. promise.. promise”.

“Promise? The first thing I can think of is a promise ring actually”, said Jiyong.

“Subtly taking shots at me again I see”, said Youngbae sarcastically, fake glaring at his bestfriend. “Hmmm. But honestly, not a bad idea. Buy her a ring and then say something like, this represents my deep commitment to you. I will do everything and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. If you go away, I’ll follow you to the ends of the world.. Stuff like that”.

Jiyong laughed while saying: “No wonder you scare girls off”. And they spent the rest of the day together, Jiyong feeling lighter and unburdened for the first time since all of this mess started. Sometimes love isn’t what a person needs. Sometimes its friendship that gets one through the trials and tribulations in his life. And sometimes a simple uncomplicated friend is just the right cure to a tired, wounded heart.

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They were yet at another party, this time around though it wasn’t a YG one. Jiyong was not quite sure what this party was for but it included many known personalities in the South Korean entertainment industry. Honestly, they have so many schedules and commitments it’s all blurring in Jiyong’s head already.

Since it was an outside party, the Bigbang members had no choice but to stick together. They still had to represent solidarity on the outside even if inside they were breaking apart. The members tried to make things less awkward around Seungri and Jiyong, their eyes pleading that the two play along and be nice for tonight, even just tonight. Surprisingly, both were cooperative. They still didn’t talk or look at each other but at least they were joking around and teasing the other members and not just being solemn and forlorn like the other times when they had to be in the same room together. This was the most interaction they had in front of the members and Youngbae, Daesung, and Top could not help but wish this would last even just a little bit longer.

When they were led to their booth however, things got a little bit awkward. There were two couches on the booth. One a 3-seater and the other a 2-seater. Top and Daesung were used to sitting beside each other and immediately went to the 2-seater one. It was only when they positioned themselves that they realized just how awkward of a position their actions had left the group in. Of course Youngbae, being as diplomatic as ever, grabbed Jiyong and Ri’s hand and headed for the 3-seater and plopped himself in the middle between the two.

He then started joking around, lightening the incredibly tense atmosphere. And soon, everyone was having fun, although two of them were carefully excluding the other out from their conversations. As the joking fizzled out, they each had individual conversations, Jiyong and Youngbae talking about Youngbae’s latest attempt at trying to get a girl’s number, while Daesung and Seungri was engrossed in  a conversation about their looming Japan activities. Top had stepped out to answer a phone call from his manager reminding him of an early schedule the following day which Top was trying to wiggle out from.

As Youngbae finished regaling Jiyong with the finer details of his hilarious attempts, Youngbae suddenly asked Jiyong: “Have you bought her the ring yet?”

Before Jiyong could react, a tinkling sound was then heard drawing the eyes of the four Bigbang members left in the room. All they could see now was the shattered remnants of what used to be Seungri’s champagne glass. Seungri then stood up while murmuring: “I’ll just get someone to clean that up. Sorry”. But all the other members could see that Seungri’s  shoulders were shaking and his feet was a little unsteady. However, Seungri was out of the door before they’ve gotten over their shocks. Daesung was standing up to go after Seungri but Jiyong held out a hand to stop him.

“I need to go. I have to talk to someone. I’ll check up on him on my way  back”, Jiyong said not quite meeting Dae’s or Bae’s eyes. He then hurried out of the room, completely missing the looks that Youngbae and Daesung exchanged as they watched their leader rush out of their booth.

Jiyong was running like he had never done before. He was afraid of losing Seungri in the crowd. But fate must have been on his side now because he spotted Seungri’s familiar silhouette in the distance. He ran after his dongsaeng. Upon reaching him he tugged Seungri towards him, hugging his Maknae from behind and putting his chin on the latter’s shaking shoulders. Seungri stood stiff as a board, the only acknowledgement of Jiyong’s presence being the little whimpers that escapes from his mouth every time Jiyong’s breath hits his neck. They stood like that for a few moments, neither quite daring to break the strange calm they found themselves in.

When they heard the padding sound of footsteps in the distance, Jiyong then grabbed Seungri’s hands and made him move forward. As they were soundlessly walking up the corridor, Jiyong kept looking left and right for something. Seungri just stood there, stoic faced, expressionless, not giving anything out lest he crumbles at that moment. But he lets Jiyong drag him, while both revel at the feeling of their clasped hands together.

Jiyong then muttered an “ah” as though he has found something, and then suddenly pulled Seungri towards a door to their left. Upon entering and while Jiyong was searching for the light, Seungri tugged his arms away from Jiyong and started walking to the opposite side of the room from where Jiyong was when the light finally came on. Jiyong didn’t know what to do. He honestly didn’t know what compelled him to just drag Seungri somewhere. All he knew was that as Seungri was walking away from them in the booth, all his mind could do was scream at him, knowing how Seungri could have misinterpreted his and Youngbae’s conversation. His heart demanded that he go after Seungri at once and try to clarify everything up. And so he went with his instincts and now he found himself in this awkward situation and at a loss on what to do next.

As their staring match continued, Jiyong was then shocked when Seungri abruptly cut off the eye contact, turned away from him, and sat quietly on the floor, sighing as he went down. Jiyong could only just stare as Seungri’s shoulders started shaking again. It was only when he heard the tiny whimpers and sobs that Jiyong finally got the courage to once again approach Seungri. Upon nearing his Maknae, he could see tears falling down his dongsaeng’s eyes. Finally witnessing Seungri’s breakdown hit Jiyong with a variety of emotions that rendered him choked up, unable to speak, and frail. As he could feel his knees growing weaker, he suddenly found himself on the ground just in front of Seungri, their positions a reflection of each others.

“Hyung, I’m tired. I give up. You win. She wins. Hyung, it’s just so unfair. Why can you be happy and I can’t? It was your fault. Everything is your freaking fault and yet you’re the one who gets the happy ending. that. life. I tried so hard to become what I was not. I tried so hard to forget you, to detest you and loathe you but at the end of the day I still couldn’t. I did what you told me to do, initiating that reckless game in the hopes that following your stupid advice was going to help me. But I should have known that it wouldn’t. Because everytime I was with someone else, all I could picture was your face, your body, your scent, just you, everything about you hyung. Being with other people didn’t make me forget you, it just reiterated the fact that it was always you hyung, and it’s always gonna be you. And with the games I played I hurt so many people, I played with their emotions, toyed with them, made them hope and left them hanging. All done in the hopes of getting your attention. I turned into this reckless playboy just so I could keep you on your toes and keep you guessing. Just so I could be more interesting in your stupid pathetic eyes and you can revel in all my wretchedness. But you know what hyung I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending to be a monster when all I wanted was to love and be loved. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t give a damn about anyone and anything when I’m just bursting with so much emotions. You told me again and again not to feel, but hyung, I’m not a toy, I’m not your plaything. I’m human and I have a heart and I feel hyung. I really feel. And now I’m tired hyung. I’m just really tired of you, of my life, of my miserable heart still freaking beating for you when all you’ve done was pound me to the ground. So I give up hyung. You win. You’re stronger than I am. You’re the one who can freaking have a coal for a heart. I’m done going to your level. I just want to be me again.” Seungri shouted at Jiyong at first but then his tone got softer and softer until they’ve almost become a whisper. And then Seungri abruptly pulled himself up and started walking towards the door.

Jiyong panicked and tugged  Seungri’s arms to face him. Since the force was unexpected, Seungri lost his balance and fell unto Jiyong. But Jiyong was able to manuever them as they went down and they found themelves on the ground with Seungri trapped beneath Jiyong. Jiyong suddenly straddled Seungri, entrapping the youngers arm above his head. It was a perfect reenaction of their first night together. Jiyong eyes bled with desperation as he captured Seungri’s lips with his own. Seungri tried to resist him at first but found himself drowning in the sensation of Jiyong. Because no matter how ed up everything is, Seungri just couldn’t say no to Jiyong.

Their kisses turned into fevered ones, reflecting their desperation. They kissed until they lost all their breath parting for only a little while as they immediately pulled back unto each other. Their roaming fingers almost shredding each other’s clothing in a frenzy to get them off. And when Jiyong finally got to touch to touch Seungri’s chest, both could only sigh in relief. JIyong’s kisses transferred to Seungri’s neck where he left little hickies, the sensation dissolving Seungri into a whimpering mess. When Jiyong’s hands started to get lower and lower, Seungri could only wait with so much anticipation until Jiyong finally unbuckled his pants, quickly tugging them away from his body along with his briefs, and flinging them off somewhere. And when Jiyong finally clasped him and fondled him, Seungri could only moan. And when Jiyong’s mouth  was on his intimate part, Seungri could only whisper Jiyong’s name again and again. And when he finally came, he almost out from the sensation, only coming to when he suddenly found Jiyong kissing him again, and feeling an intrusion in his nether regions. They then rode each other, Jiyong ing harder and faster every time, and Seungri meeting him up for every . They were lost in the sensations of their actions, oblivious to the world and the danger surrounding him, because the only people that mattered right now were only Jiyong and Seungri. When they finally came, they came together, each murmuring the other’s name over and over again.

When they were done, Jiyong plopped himself in a sitting position, still trying to catch his breath. Moments passed and Jiyong just sat there, unable to stand up, still tired and exhausted from what had just happened. His hormones were still raging, his breathing still rapid, and his heartbeat still fast and uneven. He almost didn’t hear the footsteps walking away from him, but when he does, he looks at Seungri and helplessly just watches as the latter closes the door, never even looking back. Jiyong swallows back the words he wanted to say, knowing that at the end of the day, they’re useless and won’t change anything.

Jiyong feels tears prickling his eyes, but he refuses to cry. He just hugs himself tighter and starts to think back to where it all went wrong and how it all began.

(A/N: We’ve now come full circle! This is where the first chapter started. Kekeke)

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Seungri immediately went home after the encounter, numb and unfeeling. After his confession, and with no reply at all from Jiyong, he was left confused and heartbroken, feelings that always surfaced whenever he was with Jiyong. Jiyong was like an ever changing puzzle piece he can never quite figure out. He didn’t even know if he had enough puzzle pieces to even try to piece Jiyong together because whatever Jiyong gives out to him doesn’t quite match what he later on does.

In all their years together, there were times when Seungri felt that maybe, just maybe, Jiyong loved him too. It was those times when he would catch Jiyong staring at him from across the room, that little smile on his face that was reserved only for Seungri. He thought Jiyong loved him too when he would later on find out from his managers and staff that Jiyong called them ahead of time to remind them to take good care of Seungri. He thought Jiyong loved him when the latter criticized his wrongful actions but always ended up hugging him as a sort of compensation for the hurtful words. He also thought love could have been present when Jiyong touched him, when Jiyong kissed him, and when they were all tangled up together, and he swears he could see something more beyond the lust in Jiyong’s eyes.

But then there were all the times that Jiyong told him not to love, to be unfeeling and cold and strong. There are also moments when Jiyong and Seungri would be with other people and they would all make crude jokes about and Jiyong went along with them, as if was just a normal thing that could be done with just about anyone, and not just Seungri. There were also times when Jiyong would admire someone right in front of Seungri and all Seungri could do was to make a mental comparison  between himself and that person, every beautiful feature of them like a punch to Seungri’s gut. And even when Seungri proposed their game, Jiyong didn’t even hesitate to say yes, a time when Seungri was fervently hoping to hear a no come from Jiyong’s lips. Jiyong also played the game enthusiastically, regaling Seungri with stories that made his heart ache and his breath short. And when he tried to get the upper hand and getting revenge by calling Jiyong to make the latter see that he too could be promiscuous, it was only a hwaiting he got from his hyung, no reaction, no tears, no effort to stop him at all. Those are the times when he feels strongly that maybe Jiyong was just using him as a warm body to spend the cold nights with.

But then there were also the times when he went home from another round of meaningless , and into Jiyong’s arms that he could see a sense of tiredness around Jiyong. When Jiyong would scrunch up his nose from the smell of another person’s cologne or perfume on him, and ask Seungri to shower first before going to bed with him. And Jiyong would also go over the marks and scratches that other people would give him and go over them either kissing them tenderly or making a mark of his own. There were moments when Jiyong would embrace him in his sleep, muttering mine all over the night. Seungri thought that maybe, they could go on like that forever, because even when he was still hurting, there were at least pockets of happiness, little reasons that tided him over the difficult times.

Until she came along. Until Anna came along. When Jiyong finally introduced her, Seungri felt as though he had been hit by a truck with the force of his emotions. He could only watch from afar as Jiyong became giddy with happiness in his newfound love. But every time he saw Jiyong, his heart felt like it was being pounded all over again, to the point that it had become a powder from the crystal it was once upon a time. And so he avoided Jiyong. He tried to avoid everything that had to do with Jiyong. Even avoiding the other Bigbang members to a lesser degree. He tried to lose himself in the moments with his other friends from the industry, but even the combined distraction of Jonghoon, Jun Jun Young, David Yu, and Kongkaroon couldn’t bring his spirits up. He even tried to have again with other people, but the purpose had always been to get a reaction from Jiyong, and even that had become lackluster.

His little revenge during Se7en’s party didn’t even comfort him at all. Not only had he felt humiliated by Jiyong’s nonresponse and fearful that Anna might try to bring down Bigbang down, it apparently brought Jiyong and Anna closer. Now there was a ring. They were freaking getting married while he Seungri was still a mess. And the irony of all of this was Jiyong was the cause of it all and yet he was the one who was going to be happy while Seungri would live a life of misery.

That was the final nail in the coffin and Seungri just couldn’t pretend he was okay anymore. And with Jiyong not reacting at all to his heartfelt confession when he had finally released everything he had held inside for the past few years, and  instead just had another bout of meaningless (well, meaningless for Jiyong anyway) , was the act that made Seungri feel like he was being buried six feet under. And he cannot do this anymore. He can’t go on and be Bigbang’s Maknae and watch his ed up and messed up leader be okay while he was still broken and in pieces. He can’t go on pretending to be strong when deep inside his shell all of him had melted into nothing.

With these thoughts in mind, Seungri started packing his things. Gathering up all his clothes, money, and other essentials. Getting out as many bags as possible. He still didn’t know where he would go. All he knew was that he just had to get out of here. He was going to leave and be rid of everything that reminded him of Jiyong. He was going to start anew somewhere and be happy too. It was unfair of life to give happiness to Jiyong, he also deserved happiness too, didn’t he?

In the middle of packing, Seungri heard his door bell rang. He ignored it at first, not really in the mood for conversation and for even another person’s presence. So he tuned out the incessant ringing, only focusing on his task ahead. It was only when he heard the front door close that his heart started thumping. Only 4 other people in the world had keys to his apartment. It couldn’t be his manager, as Seungri was sure his manager wouldn’t go to his place without telling him beforehand, afraid of being chewed out like the last time he went to Seungri’s place uninvited. It couldn’t be Hannah or his mom as both and his dad were back in Gwangju, visiting relatives who they had sorely missed since living here in Seoul. It was only one person who could be the culprit and he was the last person Seungri wanted to see right now.

Padded footsteps approached his room and Seungri feigned ignorance until his bedroom door was flung open and a voice in shock whispered almost inaudibly: “You’re leaving?”

Seungri didn’t even look back and continued: “What’s it to you?”.

Jiyong then immediately rushed inside Seungri’s room and hugged him from behind pulling Seungri’s arms away from his suitcase. Seungri could hear murmurs of “Don’t leave” being whispered over and over again. Seungri could then feel wetness in his back slowly spreading.

Seungri sighed. Pulling at his hair. Tears once again threatening to fall down on his eyes. He slowly disentangled himself from Jiyong’s grasp to face the latter.

“You’re unfair. You’re really unfair. Can’t you give me happiness? You’re happy with her already right? My god Jiyong. How more selfish can you get! Do you hate me so much that you like seeing me in pain?” said Seungri, anger lacing his every word.

Jiyong flinched at Seungri’s accusations, not knowing what to do or what to answer. But when his eyes drifted to Seungri’s suitcase, he got the boost of confidence he needed and tried to approach his dongsaeng attempting to hold the other’s arms again. “Listen Ri –“ Jiyong tried to speak but was cut off by the sudden shove Seungri did at him.

“I don’t wanna listen to anymore of your lies Jiyong. Don’t stop me. I’m finally doing something for myself” shouted Seungri as he shoved his leader.

Seungri’s eyes just followed Jiyong as the latter slowly fell down. What happened was just seconds but it felt like eternity to Seungri. He knew what was going to happen before it actually did but was powerless to stop it. Jiyong’s head smacked the wall behind him loudly and the crack felt like a physical punch to Seungri. He then rushed to Jiyong’s side, eyes wide and filled with regret.

Jiyong looked a little daze for a moment, but his eyes cleared several seconds later.

Seungri then started crying as he sat down beside Jiyong, multiple “I’m sorrys” coming out of his mouth.

Jiyong shook his head, and wiped Seungri’s tears from his face while saying: “Please listen to me Ri-ah. One last time. Please. I listened to you and heard your side. Would you now please listen to me, just one last time Ri-ah.”

Seungri just nodded his head. “Maybe he can let Jiyong just destroy him one last time, for old times sake?” Seungri could only bitterly smile at his thoughts.

“I went tonight to Anna’s house after the incident at the club –“ Jiyong started. But then Seungri flinched when he heard Anna’s name. Jiyong then said: “please just listen Ri and I promise you you can be rid of me after this. Just please listen until the end okay”. Seungri nodded and Jiyong continued. “When I went there, all she told me was so it’s gonna be tonight? I was really confused at first, but then she just held my face and told me that she knew I loved someone else and not her. That she was still there for me because she wanted me to man up and confess the truth to her. She told me she knew it was the first step I needed to take in order to be able to be strong enough to confront how I really feel. She told me she actually didn’t have an inkling as to who it was before but she figured out on that fateful night. She told me to be happy. She told me that I was actually the only one preventing my own happiness. And now that I was able to confront of her, I should now have the strength to confront my own demons that is preventing me from getting what I want and desperately need. So I decided to seize my own happiness now and this is the first step. You see Seungri, I love you. I desperately and honestly love you.”

Seungri’s eyes just widened at Jiyong’s confession, but Jiyong held a finger to his lips, his eyes pleading that Seungri not interrupt him. So Seungri nodded. Jiyong continued by saying: “See, at first, I was only just attracted to you. I tried to fight it long and hard. You see Ri, you reminded me so much of my first love that messed me up that I immediately thought you were going to be just like him. But maybe it was because we were together all the time, and I started to get to know you more and more, but I realized you were nothing like him. He was cold and cruel and beautiful in a way venomous objects are always dangerously attractive, but you were like the sun, shining your rays of warmth to everyone, bringing light to my darkened world. And I fell hard for you Ri. I fell for your determination in the face of every ed up you went through, your optimism in the sea of criticism you found yourself in, your selflessness in that you prioritized everyone else above yourself, and just your pure innocence. You embodied youth, hope, warmth, and perfection. And I was scared Ri. I was scared less because you were so pure Ri, and I was tainted beyond relief and I didn’t want to taint you. But then that night came, and I still did it, and I’m really sorry for that. If there’s one thing I regret in my life, it was that night. Not because I didn’t want to be with you, but because it was the start of everything wrong in our lives. And when you came to me, telling me that you felt the same way, I could only feel utter desolation in that I’ve brought you down with me into my darkness. And I thought I could save you by making you unfeeling and strong, I wanted you to be able to be unaffected. I actually wanted you to love someone else but then I couldn’t stop being selfish Ri, I couldn’t bear the thought of you being totally out of my reach, so I agreed to playing that stupid messed up game. But you see Ri, there was no one else but you. I was with no one else but you because I couldn’t bear to be with other people but you. Everytime you were with someone else, I felt like dying inside. But I couldn’t stop you because I thought you liked it. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that the game might be a good thing because it was preventing us from being together and possibly destroying our careers and Bigbang’s, but those practical reasons never stopped my heart from bleeding everytime you weren’t with me. Anna happened because I saw you in her. Anna happened because my heart was so freakin tired of being hurt all the time and I thought that maybe I could find relief in the solace of another’s arms. But even when I was with her, I thought of you and only you. Sure, I felt affection for her, but it never amounted to anything more than what could have been a brotherly love. Because you were still what my heart was beating for and at the end of the day I still couldn’t delude myself from the truth. The ring Ri? It was just an inside joke between Youngbae and I. I knew you thought I was going to propose to her, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t. And when you confessed to me tonight, all I could felt was elation but I couldn’t tell you what I wanted to say because I was caught up in desperation thinking I might lose you forever. When you walked out of that room and possibly out of my life, it was when I had my moment of clarity, and I finally knew the right thing to do. I went to Anna’s with the sole intention of finally owning up to the truth to her. And what happened with her tonight only reassured me that yes, this was finally the right thing to do. Because you and no one else will be right for me. You got that right Ri-ah, and I love you.”

Seungri looked up at Jiyong, his heart thundering beneath his ribcage. He wanted to believe Jiyong’s words, but he was very afraid. If he believed Jiyong and everything turned out to be a mistake or a joke, he couldn’t possibly know how to exist afterwards. So Seungri only uttered: “So you loved me before, but how could you love me now when I’ve become a monster? I’m far from the person you fell in love with at the start”.

Jiyong then brought Seungri close to his face and started kissing his eyes where tears still came out. “Because you were my monster. A monster is never as bad his creator Ri. I was more messed-up and ed up than you could ever be. But now that I think about it, you were never a monster. I was the monster. I pushed you away when I could have just accepted your love knowing that we both felt the same way. I pushed you into becoming a version of you that you hated. I pushed you to your limits by trying to prevent the inevitable. And I’m really sorry. I really want to make everything right between us now.  I’m here now in front of you, Lee Seunghyun, my Seungri, my victory, asking you to give us a chance. No more games. No more lies. No more half-truths. No more unspoken emotions. Just us. Loving each other.”

With those words, Seungri can now feel his heart start to become at ease: “No more games. I like that. I’m tired of playing”

Jiyong could not help but smile at Seungri, and say: “Me too”

They then found each other lips, nonverbally sealing their promise with a kiss.

Jiyong was confused when suddenly Seungri stopped their kissing and suddenly said: “So no more ?”

Jiyong guffawed. He then winked at Seungri and said: “Maybe not for a while. After all, we’d still have to go on a first  date, and then we still have to choose our song, we still have to hold hands, and then we have to buy each other couple stuff, and then –“

Jiyong’s words were cut off by Seungri’s lips attaching to his own and a whispered “shut up” coming from the younger.

So maybe they would still play games with each other, but at least now, those games wouldn’t hurt them or anyone else. They then spent the night in bliss, all tangled together in Seungri’s bed, taking things slow and leisurely because now they knew that they will have a million more nights of this.

They were both looking forward to tomorrow, because they finally have each other and face tomorrow together, and it will be the start of a new chapter in their lives. No more lies. No more games. Just them. Just Jiyong and Seungri. Together. Finally.  

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(A/N: Finally done with this fic. This has been my longest chapter ever. And this will also be my longest A/N. ^^

Okay, so confession time. This fic actually started out as a supposed third chapter for a fic I had written before entitled My Relief (it's clickable so if you wanna check that out). So if you've read that and this, you might notice some parallelisms in the story. But I got conflicted feedback on what people wanted for the third chapter, and the suggestions were really the opposite of each other. So instead of ending up with a dissatisfied reader, I thought that maybe that fic should really just end with the second chapter, and I'll just take the suggestions of people and put them on a separate fic instead. So this is how My Monster started. 

The main idea for this fic was to have a messed-up Ri who became bad because Jiyong broke up with him (though here it wasn't because of a break up). I honestly tried so hard for Ri to be hate-able but from the feedback I got, I made Ji the hate-able one. Aurgh. My biasness. It won't leave me. xD

In case I really wasn't able to portray what was happening, another looming theme to this story was that basically, people in unsecure relationships think a lot, and they tend to think in the most negative way. In here, Ri was really doubting everything that Jiyong was doing, and he acted based on his misinterpretations. I also tried to show that sometimes, people get so self-righteous in relationships in what they think was the right thing to do that they end up hurting the people that they loved (that was Ji here). The lesson of this fic (hahaha. it's like a fairy-tale with a moral. damn. so cheesy of me) is basically to open up communications instead of overthinking. That way there will no miscommunications and no misinterpretations. :)

I assigned the characters as such because I really think that Seungri is more straightforward than Ji in real life. I get the sense that Ji is a really complicated person so I have a tendency to depict him that way. 

And oh yeah, in case anyone's wondering, Jiyong wasn't hurt badly by the shove. They went to the hospital the following day and Jiyong only got a gash. But now, he has a scar and a lil bit of a bald patch and it's become like his weapon against Seungri when he wants something from the latter. (I wanted to put this there but didn't know how to do it). 

And the last part being a repetition of Jiyong's speech was intended. It's meant to highlight that this time around, there were no more secrets  between them. 

Anyway, me and Bigbang_kris are making a Christmas Nyongtory collection which can be found here. So if you've got any prompts that you want written, we'll happily accomodate you. It doesn't have to be Christmasy. It just has to be NyongTory (but then Christmas is love and Nyongtory is love) ^^ In line with this, I might take a brief hiatus from this collection in order to focus on that one. Honestly, I've really got limited time to write this November-December because I have no semestral break and finals will be on December, so I couldn't pull off writing in 2 collections at once. But when I'm done with my share of stories there, possibly around the 2nd or 3rd week of November, I'll turn my attention back to this fic collection and try to start writing the prompts I've already got planned out for this. So please wait for me. ^^

Also how precious was Ri's NyongTory post? I almost cried of happiness. I wasn't expecting him to post anything Ji-related during the break so it really made me happy. <3