For You...

A shock of pain shot up from my toes and I jumped up, uncontrollably howling in pain. I picked up my leg and wrapped my injured foot in my hands. 

"Damn it! What the..." grudgingly, I turned to check what it was that dare hurt my dear toes. Squinting my eyes, I pondered on the CD box and then gasped in recognition.

"Isn't that..." After a few trial taps of my foot on the hard wooden floor, I walked forward to where my eyes focused. A surge of nostalgic feeling tugged in me as I carefully picked up the over-a-decade-old CD box. 

"Woah..." I gazed at the cover and flipped it to the back, this is the CD I bought right before I got into SM! 

I glanced at the mess around me, but couldn't help myself from turning on the television and slipping the disk into the CD/DVD player. 

Soon, melodies I haven't heard for a while played through my home speakers. The artist's voice was as soothing and as deep as I remembered it, the feelings of the song flowing into me easily. Tired and captivated, I slowly sank down to the ground and closed my eyes, just listening, just feeling the songs. 

The first song finished and the second song started. A more familiar melody played and instantly, the lyrics pulled out memories, sad scenes that I try to keep hidden within me. 

어쩜 우린 복잡한 인연에 서로 엉켜있는 사람인가봐
eojjeom urin bokjabhan inyeone seoro eongkyeoitneun saramingabwa
(Maybe we’re in a complicated fate,Two people entangled with one another)

No, I cannot be listening to this song... 

I tried pushing my legs, willing myself to stand up, but just as it did many times before, the song held me captive and I know I'm drowning, in my ocean of memories. 

나는 매일네게 갚지도 못할만큼 많은 빚을지고있어
naneun maeilnege gapjido mothalmankeum manheun bijeuljigoisseo
(Everyday I am in debt to you, not being able to pay you back)

A strong back to guide me, a wide chest I can rely on, strong arms that embraces me, sparkling eyes that motivate me, warm smile that have saved me numerous times... I owe my everything to him, all of me. 

연인처럼 때론 남남처럼 계속 살아가도 괜찮은걸까
yeonincheoreom ttaeron namnamcheoreom kyesok saragado gwaenchanheungeolkka
(Sometimes like lovers, sometimes like strangers, is it okay to live on like this?)

I remember the days when we were five, and hid our feelings to the world. We were lovers and then teammates, or was it the other way around? At nights we cuddle close and whisper words of love, but the days were horrible, and I lose myself. The hidden touches, subtle glances, and secret smiles, who were we actually hiding from? The fans that ship us made us overjoyed, but then came SM who told us to show more fan service. The bolder words, friendly hugs, and affectionate interactions, remember the time I cried over the superficial business of it all? 

그렇게도 많은 잘못과 잦은 이별에도 항상 거기있는 너
geureohkedo manheun jalmotgwa jajeun ibyeoredo hangsang geogi-itneun neo
(Even after all those mistakes and frequent break ups, You were always there)

I've drank my pressures away, got into smoking, partied away my sorrows. I use to hide these from you, but I knew you knew, and I used to say you wouldn't understand because it's you. You would pick me up at nights when I get drunk, care for me without complaints. And yet I hurt you with my insecurities, and said forbidden words you hate to hear.

날 세상에서 제대로 살게해줄 유일한 사람이 너란걸 알아
nal sesangeseo jedaero salgehaejul yuilhan sarami neorangeol ara
(I know you’re the only one who can make me live in this world)

You guide me, you protect me, you complete me. You lead me to stray away from dangers, you tell me of my wrongdoings, you encourage me when I'm feeling down, I once told you that you are the reason I'm living upright, or I would've turned into an outlaw long long ago. You laughed with that bright sound of yours and I had gazed at you with a smile of my own, but did you know? I meant every single word. 

나 후회없이 살아가기 위해 너를 붙잡아야 할테지만
na huhwieobsi saragagi wihae neoreul butjabaya haltejiman
(In order to live without regrets, I need to hold onto you but…)

You are the one, my other half, the love of my life. And I knew since the first time I ever saw you, in the rehearsal room in SM, no, even before that, in the streets when you helped me... 

내 거친생각과 불안한 눈빛과 그걸 지켜보는 너
nae geochinsaenggakgwa buranhan nunbichgwa geugeol jikyeoboneun neo
(My rough thoughts and my anxious eyes,You have seem them all)

All the fights we had, the words that I throw out in anger, I know I hurt you over and over again. Why do you let me do that? Every time, you bite your lip and clench your fists, and I see the flash of pain in your almond eyes. I cry, I yell, and you would argue back but even so you were still so kind. When we fight, we are at war. We blur out everything and everyone, but in the end, you always choose to just walk away. Do you know the flood of regret I feel when I look at your back? The slumped broad shoulders and the slower steps, it hurts me too. And yet, I do it over and over again. 

그건 아마도 전쟁같은 사랑
geugeon amado jeonjaenggateun sarang
(This is probably a war-like love)

I remember how we made Junsu cry because of our fights. Ne, we seriously fight as hard as we love don't we? At least I do. 

난위험하니까 사랑하니까 너에게서 떠나줄꺼야
nanwiheomhanikka saranghanikka neoegeseo tteonajulkkeoya
(Because I’m dangerous, Because I love you, I will leave you)