I decide to visit Jin. He is the oldest of our group and I’m worried about him. Well, I worried about the other members, but I don’t have enough courage to see the rest. I should’ve visited Jin first though. He cared for me a little bit, right? I cared about him a lot and I still do. I walk on the sidewalk that I always used to walk on to get to the dorm. I keep on walking forward and someone just walked through me. This will never be something I will get used to. I’m not in this world anymore. I need to accept that, but something in me makes me hesitate every time. I shake my head to make these thoughts go away. I see the dorm right in front of me. I’m scared to go in. I take in a deep breath and walk in. The memories hit me right in my face. I cringe at the thought of my past and continue walking to Jin’s room. My breath hitched as I walked into the room.

I saw Jin. He looks like he’s been through Hell and back. The dark bags under his eyes makes my heart sink. He looks so broken. I didn’t mean this to happen. I thought he’d be happy. Why does he have to be so sad? He hated me. I really can’t handle anything right now. I sat on the floor and watched him scroll through all the Bangtan Bombs. His expression pained every time I came on the screen. It broke my heart to see that. I question him, “Why are you watching this?” I didn’t expect an answer since he can’t hear me anymore, but somehow he heard and replied. “It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to see him again. It’s the only way I can see his smile. It’s the only way that I can hear him laugh and talk.” He burst into tears and I did too. My heart felt like it was ripping when he brought his phone with a picture of my face showing close to his chest and started bawling. I want to comfort him, but I can’t. I still reach out to grab him, but my hands slipped right through. I kept reaching and reaching, but there was no prevail. I screamed in frustration. Jin stopped crying as he reached out for his Mario and Maple Story toys that I bought him. He held it for a while before he started to cry again. All that I want to do is to hold him tight. To tell him that I’m alright even though I don’t think it’s true. I want to go back. Wow. Did I really mean that? Do I want to go back? My thoughts suffocated my head.

Jin walked to the kitchen to start making food for the members. I remember that he told me that he really wanted me to try this new dish he was working on. I watched him as he washed all the ingredients and started to cut them up. He was making fried rice. I remember the first time that I tasted it. I ran around the room screaming, “THIS IS THE BEST FRIED RICE EVER!!!” That got Jin to laugh for a while. I look to Jin now as he starts piling the food onto the plates. I count the plates and counted 7 plates. It can’t mean that he was going to serve me food, right? Someone else is visiting today, right? I watched him as he put the rice on the final plate murmuring, “This is for you Taehyung.”

I ran out of the dorm. I can’t handle any of this anymore. I need to go back. I am having a full on panic attack and I don’t know what to do anymore. I look around to see anything to focus on. I see a butterfly flying away. It looked so pretty. It got my mind off of my dilemma. I wanted to touch it, but it flew away too fast. My mind, now calm, began to wander off and reminded to go back to see Jin. I went back into the dorm and saw Jin crying on the kitchen floor. I walk over there and sit next to him. I whisper, “Hyung, I know you can’t hear me right now since I’m dead, but I want to tell you that I am okay. Don’t blame yourself, okay? I chose to do it and I think that I regret my choice, but it can’t be undone. I love you hyung. Don’t forget that. I need to go now. Bye.” I stood up and left the dorm. My mind still asked me if I truly wanted this to happen. I ponder on that question as I began to sing a song. My song that I sang before I jumped off the bridge...

Step one, you say, "We need to talk."

He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

'Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

Pray to God, he hears you

And I pray to God, he hears you

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life  

I sang softly as I walked to go visit the next member.

Hello guys. It's the author. I know that I took an unnoticed haitus and that is my fault. I shold've at least told you guys about it. I'll explain myself. This is pretty hard for me to talk about, but here it is. I don't think I told anyone on here, but I am struggling with depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety just pushed me more and more to self harm. That is why I write fanfics as this because it is something that I relate to. Slowly my depression and anxiety got worse. More suicidal thoughts entered my head until I said enough is enough. I tried to overdose on pills. That didn't work since I threw it back up. To "celebrate" not being able to commit suicide, I cut myself deeper and deeper. I got so angry at myself for being so stupid that I cut really deep. It's healed now, but it was pretty bad. I stopped talking to people, only reading books, sleeping, going to school, and eating. I planned on updating for a long time, but my depression stopped me every time. That sounds like an excuse. Wow... Anyways, I wanted to say sorry and that I will be updating this story more frequently now. Hopefully my depression and anxiety will get better. Thank you guys so much for commenting, subscribing, and upvoting my story. It helped me that I did something to make someone happy. I will update soon. Well see you guys later.

P.S- The song is called "How to Save a Life" by The Fray