Dear diary...

What's up? Yeah, I know it's been a while, and I said I was never coming back to this house again, but... Here I am. It's a bit funny, really, thinking of all the things that led to me being here again. Funny and sad. Definitely sad. I've been through so much within the span of the past week than in the three years since I made my last entry. Where do I begin. Well, I guess from the start.

Aim. She is a major b*tch. I kid you not. After all the things I wrote about her and all the hopes and dreams I told you we were fostering together, she still had the nerve to cheat on me. Can you believe it?! Even worse, she did so in our home, on our bed. Spread her legs open for another guy and probably didn't even think of the consequences. It hurt me bad. I didn't think I was ever going to get through it until I ran into Ngern. Literally ran into him... But that's too long a story to tell you now. He and I, oh, we were like magnets. Inseparable. I loved every minute we spent together... And even more so... I loved him. Yes. I did. Well, I think I did... I'm not too sure. My heart tells me I do, my mind tells me I'm being delusional. I thought I loved Aim too, but, now that I look back on it and everything that happened between us, how can I be sure it was ever love? Can it be true love when you're the only one in the heart of it? Can it be real love when there's danger at every turn? Is true love worth the risk???
Sorry. I think I'm getting ahead of myself. This is all so new to me. Feeling like this. Like I want him so bad I'm willing to do everything I can to get him. Like if he's not around then I am missing half of myself. Like... Love. The kind of love that you hear about in songs and watch being played out in the lakorns. The kind of love that legends are made of. Only, this is not a fairytale and I am definitely no hero. Not after running away like a ing chicken this morning. That's what I did, run away. After kissing and touching and making him cvm. I sneaked out like a common criminal and ran away.
Okay, sorry, getting ahead of myself again. I guess what I keep trying to say is... I've never been more confused about anything in my life. Partly because of Aim, partly because of Ngern. But definitely because of me.
I was terrifying. You should have seen me. I was like a pleasure machine. A ing s3x object. And it all happened so fast, I can't even wrap my head around it. First, I was throwing up on him, then he was yelling at me and then something changed in me. Something snapped. I just wanted him to stop. Oh, you should have heard him. The way he spoke, the way he looked at me. I just wanted to make him feel better. I just wanted to hold him closer. I don't know what came over me, but I just wanted to be with him. In him. It was savage. It was animalistic. It was desire. A strong wave of desire, mixed with my desperation to make him feel better. He was there, hovering over me, looking like one of those Greek sculptors of their kings and gods. And I could see the imprint pushing through the thin fabric of his boxers. I think he said something, I could have sworn he did, but I was already too far gone. I kept telling myself to look away, to avert my eyes from his body, but I couldn't. And then the boxers were off and I... I...

 I know, I know, this sounds so crazy, right? It sounds like a ing p0rno flick, but it's true.  My desperation to make him see that I was sorry. Sorry for not listening to him. Sorry for standing too long on the leg that he'd told me to keep off of. Sorry because after my world crashed and burned and my heart almost broke into a million pieces he was the only on I could turn to and rely on. It's crazy, isn't it. Of all the friends I made in university and of all the family I have, it would be him that comes to my aid. Even with everything he has, the name he's made for himself. He was the only one there, holding me up when I couldn't stand on my own two feet, and lending me a shoulder to cry on. Literally. I wish I could tell you about everything that has happened, but I can't. Not yet. It's all too raw, the wound too fresh. Please, give me some time. A few days to get myself together again. Then I'll try my best to put into words just what the heck truly happened.
Thanks, diary, you know you remain the only one I can truly speak my mind to in this house, the only one I can trust not to throw my words back in my face later on.

***

Dear, diary...

I feel... confused. I've been home all but 24 hours and dad has already managed to find me a job. A "grown up" Job as he put it, at one of his friends firms. He told me over breakfast today. God, I can't remember the last time we all sat together and shared a meal. It's been years. Even when I still lived at home, they were a rare sight. When had we become so distanced? When I was younger I remember we had dinner together every night. Back then, we only had a one bedroom apartment, but we were so much happier. Mom was still in law school, and dad was steadily climbing the corporate ladder at his architecture firm. Then suddenly, around the time I turned eight or nine, things started changing. Mom was just too busy with her last year in law school, and dad had been promoted to a more tasking office, so, he spent late nights away from home.

I think that's when the cheating happened. I don't really know too many details about it, but I just remember their constant arguing, until one night I heard mom say she was going to packnowledge her things and leave. That's when dad said he was sorry for the affair... affairs? I really don't know if it was one or multiple, I couldn't hear too well through my bedroom door. But, i do remember dad telling her not to leave him behind, because he wouldnt know what to do with me.

I think that was the first time I started to see the cracks of the world. The imperfections that everyone tries to pretend don't exist. 

I think it was around that moment that I became a bit obsessed with being perfect. In my young mind I thought if I was perfect, then maybe I could help relieve the strain between them. Maybe if I did all my homework and fixed my bed in the morning, and brushed my teeth twice a day, once after breakfast, and once after dinner, then they'd not have to worry so much about me, and have one less thing to argue about. Maybe if I didn't complain to mom that dad always came two hours late to pick me up from school, because I couldn't walk home from the prep school they had enrolled me in since it was too far from our apartment at the time, or to dad that I was getting too ache from all the cookies and sodas I purged on while waiting for mom to come home and cook, then they wouldn't be at each others throats so frequently...

I think that's why I fell so hard for Aim. She was doting, and simple, and from a family much poorer than mine. She came into my life at a time when I was finally starting to gain my independence from mom and dad, making my own money and carving out a name for myself. They hated her so much. A model? What an undignified career choice for a lady. Poor family? She must be a leech. But the more they fought against our relationship, the more I fought to prove them wrong. In Aim I saw all the friends I had been forced to let go of because my parents didn't think they were positive influences on my life and future. "You have to surround yourself with the kind of pepole you want to be, August." Dad would always say. "Tigers don't befriend sheep. If you want to a great man one day, you have to start burning those bridges now. They will only hold you back."

I remember thinking to myself how wrong they were when I finally got the courage to move out of this very apartment. I remember thinking how I couldn't wait to prove them wrong. I remember thinking I was going to become much more famous and richer and respected than them, and they would have no choice but to to love and be proud of me.

Boy was I wrong.

Here I am, back within the four walls of this house again, with its rooms that are barely ever occupied.

They still haven't even asked me why I called yesterday, begging for money to buy a plane ticket from Manila back to Bangkok. Not during the ride back from the airport, and not during dinner. Dad is actually the only who's even spoken more than three words to me. Mom won't even meet my eyes. Maybe they don't care. I'm back now, and my spirit is broken, and maybe this time they can steer me in the direction. They want me to be headed towards. Maybe, this time I'd let them.

***
Dear diary...

I can't stop thinking about him. He's in every memory, and even when I try to take reprieve in my sleep, I see him in my dreams. He's just there. Everywhere. I was down stairs earlier cleaning up to keep my self busy, and mistakenly stepped on the remote, and who's face came popping up on the screen? You guessed it. Ngern. I know I should probably try looking the other way, especially considering he must hate me now, but I can't. Every time I see him, even through a computer screen, my heart skips a beat. I like him. I really really like him. That much I can't even deny. But maybe there's something more? I mean, why else will I be so at peace with this realization even when I am well aware having feelings for each other is practically suicide for both of us? He's a star. A superstar. And with this new picture in the works, he's going to get even bigger. And in all the ways the world has advanced on so many different platforms, gay men just didn't make for box office darlings. The way we feel for each other could cost him his career. His life. Everything he has worked so hard for. Everything he is still yet to achieve. What about his fans? The media? What about his family?--what about mine? We both know that there's no way mom and dad will approve of this. There's no way they will hug me and wish us well, and, in as much as I keep trying to convince myself that I don't care what they have to say about it... The truth is, I do. How could I not? They're my ma and pa. They're the ones who raised me to into the man I am now today. And apart from grandma and grandpa, they're the only family I have. You know ma was never really close with her siblings, so I've only ever met my cousins a handful of times, and pa was an only child. They're the only parents I'll ever get, and though half the time I feel like a worthless burden for both of them, I'd be lying if I say that what they think of me simply doesn't matter. It does. More than I'd like to admit to myself.

***

You won't believe who I ran into today. Palm. Have I told you yet about Palm? He was an employee at the Bright Sukhumvit building where Ngern lives. A butler, of a sort. He's really cool, and hard working with a heart so big, I fear it might be too heavy for his skinny legs. When I went for my appointment at dad's friends firm, I was asked to wait in the lobby as he was in an important meeting that was not going to let out for another half an hour. Waiting only made me more nervous, and as with practically all living things, that made me want to pee. So, I excused myself from the waiting room and followed the route down the hallway as the receptionist had instructed, until I found the door with the blue sign and the stick man figure. I thought there was something slightly familiar about the back head of the sanitation worker who as working in the bathroom stall closest to the door, but in my haste, I didn't think much of it. As I hovered over the urinal, and let loose my urge, I heard the toilet flush, and heavy-leathered footsteps behind me.
I felt inquisitive eyes on my back, and I stole a glance backwards to see if the cleaner was hovering near me, and sure enough, he was.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, immediately recognizing the young man behind me. His pale skin, looked even whiter under the fluorescent lights of the bathroom, and his forehead shone with beads of sweat. "I thought I recognized that big head of yours, Palm." I joked, feeling a bit awkward, as he walked to the urinal next to me and stood with a big smile on his face. He was so close that his arm grazed mine, and I might be imagining it, but I think I caught his eyes darting downwards towards my junk before he spoke.
"Hey, August. Sorry for startling you, I wasn't sure if it was you or not..." Palm said in that airy way of his. "W-what are you doing here, man?"
"Job interview." I said awkwardly , tucking my d*ck back into my pant sleeves because if there's one thing every guy knows, it's that it's impossible to pee when someone is watching you. Especially when that someone is literally at eye level, pushing against you. "You?"
He lifted his arms to show me the bright yellow gloves we was wearing in response. Right, that was a stupid question, wasn't it? I just wasn't expecting to see him there, of all places.
"I work here on my days off at the bright building." He responded. "It's only part time, but the little extra baht makes huge difference, you know?"
I nodded as if I did, but in truth, apart from the past year, I had been pretty stable financially. My checks from My glory days were still holding me steady even though I was no longer working, and before that, mom and dad always made sure I got all I needed, and most of what I wanted. I was light years away from being able to truly understand what it must feel like for him being the breadwinner of his family at such a young age.
"So, a job interview, huh..." Palm asked, walking behind me as I made my way to the sink and washed my hands. "Is it for a new advert, or something? I mean, what kind of a job would an actor be doing in an office?"
"Working for the HR office?" I replied with a sigh. "The key word in that title, actor, is the act. What is the use of being an actor if I can't act?"
"Whah?!Who told you that? You were awesome in Love Sick, or did you forget I told you I was a fan?" Palm retorted, smiling encouragingly at me.
"Yeah, well, that makes you the last of the fans I still have left. Nobody remembers me anymore. I'm now just a has been, once upon a time Lakorn star, and while the experience was great... I--I... I have to grow up now."
"Don't do it, bro, don't do it. Growing up is the worst mistake I ever made." Palm joked, casting me a smile that couldn't cover the sadness in his eyes.
"I wish I had a choice, but I guess its better to let go of that now, than to wait until I'm fifty to start trying to make something out of my life. After all, dreams are just that. Dreams. Reality waits for no one."
"Yeah, yeah, true. But, not everyone can claim their best friend is the biggest star in Thailand, either. Why don't you just ask Mr. Anupart for help? Doesn't he like, have connections in the industry and stuff? Can't he help his best friend out?" Palm eyed me eagerly as he waited for a response. I on the other hand couldn't meet his glance. "D-did something happen between you two?"
"W-where did that come from?" I stuttered, my face heating up at the thought of my last night on the Filipino island, and the things we had done.
"It was my shift when he came back home on Saturday, I was a bit surprised to find you were not with him--seeing as you guys left together and all." Palm said, this time he being the one whose face rouged as he spoke.
"No, uh, I just decided to go back home, you know, since my leg is much better now." The lie burned my throat, and I think Palm must have gotten a whiff of the stench in the air because he wrinkled his nose irritably.
"If you don't want to tell me you can just say so, no need to lie." He said flashing one of those his unbelieving smiles that never quite reached his eyes as he punched my arm playfully.
"Aye! Mind not touching me with those cloves you just used to scrub sh*t?" I barked with a smile, hoping to dispel the awkwardness of being called out on my lie.
"Aw! So sorry." He said, stripping off the gloves and tossing them onto his cleaning cart. "I totally forgot I still had those nasty things on, yuck!"
He leaned forward, soaped his hands, and scrubbed them under the flowing tap head. "Actually, you know, you should be thanking me instead, right?"
"For what, getting on me?"
"Exactly! They say it's good luck, and you're about to walk into an interview."
"Aish! That only applies to bird , you !" I said, flicking his earlobe repeatedly and laughing as he tried to dodge my fingers. I haven't laughed so hard since Ngern and I played in the grass...
"Well, I guess I should let you get back to work then." I said, suddenly subdued by the thoughts of the distance between my lips and those dimples of Ngern's.
"Well, as it so happens, this is my last bathroom for the day. I work fast, so I finish forty-five minutes early. Usually, I would be on my way back home, but today I have to meet someone at Siam Square."
"Ooooh! Nong Palm has a date with a pretty girl." I teased.
"Well, she IS a pretty girl, but I'm not really sure if I'd call it a--actually, what are you doing after your interview?"
"Uh--going home..." Then it happened in a flash. Before I knew it, Palm was standing directly in front of me, his eyes never leaving mine as I felt his hand pressed against my d*ck, but before I even had the chance to protest, I heard a zipping sound. I looked down to see his fingers clasped against my zipper as he pulled it up, closing my open flyer.
"Perfect!" He beamed at me with a sly smile before turning around grabbing his cart, and wheeling it out the bathroom door. No goodbyes, no see you later.
"Hey!" I called after him, walking outside the bathroom door to see him hurrying down the hallway. He turned, flashed me a smile, a genuine one this time, before disappearing down another corridor.
Feeling a bit disoriented, I walked back to the office space, but before I retook my sit at the waiting room, the receptionist called my last name, informing me that dad's friend had returned an would see me now.
I hurriedly grabbed my folder and rushed towards the door she ushered me into.

The interview was a sham. Dad's friend--can't really remember his name--didn't even care to pretend it was a legitimate interview. He had clearly already made up his mind before we even begun the process, and looked rather shocked when I listed down my credentials, one of which was graduating amongst the top ten of my class. All things which he would have known if he'd at least glanced at my résumé.
By the time I shook his hand and walked out of his office, I knew I already had the job, despite his not saying so. Apparently he had to think about it. Yeah, right.
I made my way to the elevator and down to the lobby where I was startled to find Palm leaning against the receptionist desk chatting with the girl behind it. From the way she giggled and couldn't keep her fingers out of her hair, it was clear she was into him.
"Hey, August! Just the person I was waiting for." Palm said jogging towards me. "That took a lot less time than expected. So, did you get the job?"
"Of course, do you even need to ask--wait, you said you were waiting for me?"
"Yeah--I-I thought we could hang out a little, you know, now that I won't be seeing you anymore at the Penthouse." He smiled sheepishly, his eyes downcast.
"Oh...uh... Sure..." I replied, but then another thought occurred to me, "but, what about your date, did it get cancelled?"
"Something like that." Was his vague response.
"Oh, okay... So... What do you wanna do?"
"Siam square!" He replied enthusiastically.
"Ah, too many people, too much noise." I said, hoping he would change his mind to somewhere a little less populated. When the person you're trying to avoid is one of the biggest stars in your country and has endorsement deals with practically every brand on earth, huge shopping areas with billboards and display screens are not your friend.
"Oh, stop whining! There's someone I really want you to see."
"Someone?"
"Huh?"
"You just said someone, before you said something... What are you up to?" I said starring him down.
"Nothing you can't see for yourself if you don't come along. Now move." He said, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the exit door.

The whole way long we chatted about various things like his family, and what song we were really feeling at the moment and practically everything except the two things I really didn't want to talk about, Ngern and my new office job. It was actually quite a breath of fresh air to be out of the house and with a purpose other than to sign and seal the end of my entertainment career. And, you know what, so was Palm. A breath of fresh air, that is. He chatted on and on, and always had some new input or topic to fuel the conversation, so I found we were barely ever silent for longer than a minute. The only thing that irked me a little was how he smiled constantly at his phone which kept beeping with incoming messages as if the conversation he was having with whomever was on the other end was much better than what he was having with me.
Upon arrival at Siam Square, he insisted we lingered around a little, wandering aimlessly through one shop to the other until I told him I was exhausted and parched and needed to have a seat, and a drink.
"Oh, okay... There's this place up stairs that makes the greatest fruit smoothies, my treat." He said, wringing his hands nervously. "Wanna try?"
"Hell yeah, but you don't have to pay for me..." I said, thinking back on all he'd told me about his financial situation.
"Aye! Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I can't afford to treat a friend to a medium sized smoothie, ya know." Palm retorted visibly irritated.
"I-I didn't mean it like that." The words rushed out of my mouth as I tried to remedy the situation. A pang of guilt spreading across my chest because not only was that exactly how I had meant it, but because I suddenly realized what a hypocrite I was being. Hadn't I felt thesame way he now did when Ngern was splurging on and around me? Was this how it felt to be the more privileged one amongst friends? Had Ngern had to screen every word that came to his mind before uttering them in hopes of not offending me?
"I know, I know." Palm laughed mercilessly pointing at my face. "I was just kidding around. Geez, you should see the look on your face right now."
He walked towards the exit of the door, and turned around, his laughter finally subdued and said, "I'm happy though, that you care that much about not hurting my feelings. It's been a long time I felt someone was looking out for me. Thank you." Before I could even formulate a reply, he added, "You coming or what?"

We walked in silence to the smoothie joint, even though it was three floors above us. Palm insisted we take the stairs. I couldn't help but feel like he was stalling for something.
When we finally walked into the juicery, I was so taken by the sweet smells in the air and the parchedness of my throat that I didn't realize the room we'd just walked into had gone dead silent.
It wasn't until I was right in front of the registry ready to make my order that I realized there was nobody there.
"Where's the cashier..." I asked glancing to my side thinking I would find Palm standing there, but the space next to me was empty.
Swiveling around, I looked at the door we just walked in through, but he wasn't by it. Turning to my other side, I saw him walking towards a small group of about fifteen girls gathered in the far corner of the room. Though of varying ages, two of them were clearly employees at the juicery, as they wore the same uniform with its colors of green and pink similar to that color theme of the whole store. All their eyes were on me.
"P-Palm..." I looked at him questioningly as he stood amongst the girls, beaming at me.
"Oh My Gawd, it's really him!" The girl directly next to Palm said out loud.
"I told you, Pang." Palm said proudly, "You really have to stop questioning everything your big brother says, you know."
As if on cue, all the girls started screaming jovially as they rushed towards me, arms spread like children begging for their favorite toy.
If not for the sudden shock of it all, I would probably have ran out of there so fast that my legs would have been left behind. In a matter of seconds I was surrounded by girls, some in their teens, others visibly older, all speaking at once. The only word that I could clearly hear through the jumble of happy squeals was "Pete". My characters name from Love Sick.
It all suddenly started making sense to me. The girls gently dragged me through the expansive space and sat me down at the head of a rectangular table. Palm took a seat to my right, and on my left was one of the girls wearing the green-pink uniform. Well, I guess I should say woman. Up close I could see the wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, and the specks of grey in her hair. Not old, per say, just not as young as I'd initially thought.
"I-I uh... I'm still not entirely sure I understand what's going on." I said, wincing at the shakiness of my voice.
"You still haven't figure it by now?" Palm teased. "It's your fan-club, August. These are all fans of love sick, and some are from the Earn and Pete fan clubs."
"B-but... How did you plan.. I mean, how did you know you'd bump into me today?"
"I didn't. It was just a coincidence. I saw that you were feeling a bit down, so I thought maybe if you met a fan from your glory days it would be a bit of a pick me up for you." Palm spoke earnestly. "Initially I had already planned to meet my sister nong Pang here so we could go home together, but when I told her I was bringing you with me, she was the one who came up with the idea of posting it on Twitter."
"Ww-Whah?? Twitter?"
"Yes, see?" The girl Palm had called nong Pang earlier, who was now sited right next to him, leaned over the desk holding her cellphone on the screen was a post on Twitter reading, "COME OUT ALL YOU LOVE SICKOS FOR AN IMPROMPTU FAN MEET WITH PETE!!!" And from the the thousands of retweets I saw on the screen, my heart almost stopped. Was it possible that people still cared that much about the series so many years after? "I posted it on all the love sick fan pages I'm part of on Twitter, and it's been trending. Isn't it so cool?!"
Suddenly the door opened and three more girls walked in, and all but fainted when their eyes locked with mine. When they calmed down from jumping and shrieking and hugging each other, they joined us around the table, all eyes were fixated on me.
"I-I...uh... Wow." My mind was drawing blanks, I couldn't seem to find the right words to express myself.
"He's really surprised." Palm quickly interjected, saving my @ss and relieving a bit of the tension that had built up in my chest. "I didn't tell him any of this was happening today."
"Aw! P'August." One of the girls said, lifting up a fist in a show of support. "Fighting! P'August fighting!"
Suddenly everyone around the table, even Palm had joined the chorus, cheering me on.
I couldn't help the butterflies swirling around in the pit of my stomach.
When the cheering stopped all eyes again fell on me expectantly. I wasn't sure what exactly they were hoping I would do. I mean, yes, I've been to several of these things, but those were usually so tightly organized to the point that it felt almost like playing a character, as opposed to myself. Besides, White and Captain got so much of the spotlight most of the time that the rest of us were practically just filling up space on the rest of the stage. But, this was different. I was me. They were all here to see me. Fans. My fans. People who still cared enough about this great thing I had been a part of that even years afterwards they still dropped everything they were doing on a moments notice and ran there to see me. It was an amazing feeling.I felt... At home.

More came. So so many more. As the minutes turned to hours, the digits more than doubled. Tripled. Quadrupled. The two uniformed fans, as I found out, were actually mother and daughter, and the juicery was a family owned business. Tables and chairs were moved about and aligned around mine to make more space for the incoming fans. The next two hours went by in a flash of introductions, laughter, ice cream and comradery. First I asked that everyone around the tables introduced themselves, and give us three words that they felt described them best. It's an icebreaker I picked up from school, all my teachers used during the first day of class to get the students more relaxed and familiarized with each other. And I found not only was it effective on the fans, but it also gave me time to think up more ways to make the event a little exciting. No, I had not in my wildest dreams imagined this would happen, especially today of all days. The day that was supposed to signify the end of my career as an struggling actor and model. The day that was supposed to signify the beginning of the new August. The truly adult August. The one who didn't kiss other men and run away like a b*tch. The one who didn't think there was a chance at love for him and the biggest actor in Thailand. The one who didn't dream of being bigger than what he was. But here I was, and here they were. And if this was going to indeed be the day I throw in the towel, then what better way to say goodbye than in the company of the very people that had made it all so worthwhile?
As it turned out, I didn't even have to worry too much about being a great host because the girls found ways to entertain themselves. As it turned out, several of them had been part of the fan groups for years, but had never actually met each other in real life, so, in a way, it felt like they were pen pals meeting for the first time. Actually, there were even a few guys in the group. More than ten of them, and I don't mean those who accompanied their sisters or girlfriends to the impromptu fan meet at the juicery. 
What did we talk about? Oh, what didn't we talk about! Food, fashion, ipod playlists and even though I was sure everyone was thinking it, it wasn't well into the fourth hour in, after we were all stuffed from the Chinese and pizzas which the fans had gathered their money together to order that the organizer herself verbalized it.
"So, P'August, it's been over three years now." She started, "And I've seen your pictures here and there on one runway or another, but since Love Sick ended, you've kinda been MIA. Why? What happened?"
"Pang..." Palm started to scold, but I placed a hand on his arm to let him know it was okay. After all she had done for me today, if all I had to do in return was answer her question, I could not refuse.
"Yeah, you're right. I have been kind of MIA right?" The side conversations ceased as all eyes were on me, ears straining to hear every word. It was a bit nerve racking to be so open about something I have been so ashamed of with people I'd barely just met, but in the hours I had spent with them, getting to know the bulk of them and even remembering some of their names, I felt at peace sharing that peace of my self. "I would like to say it's because I took a break to focus on school, but truth is, which I really did, but  that was two years ago, and I've tried making a big comeback since then, but it's not been easy. I guess it's my fault for thinking I could just go away and come back whenever I wanted and everything will be just as I left it, but the reality is, that wasn't the case. Even before my break, things had slowed down alot for me, but taking a year off practically killed my career." I looked around the tables and saw everyone was listening intently, giving me the courage to continue. "Actually, today was supposed to be the day I hung my acting cap for good. Actually, just a few hours ago I was at a job interview for a position in one of my dad's friends firm. He didn't tell me but I'm pretty sure I got the job... I guess this is the end for me. So, if there's anything anyone would like for me to do for them, for one last time, I wouldn't mind obliging."

The room was dead silent. I heard sniffling to my side and turned to find Nong Pang leaning against her brother's arm, sobbing softly. Strangely, it felt good hearing her cry, because it meant I wasn't the only one so heavily weighed down by the decision I had to make. 

"Actually, P, there is one thing I've ways wanted." A girl who had been amongst the last to arrive stood up from where she'd been sited. "I used the opening soundtrack of the series, and I know you guys would often put on singing performances for everyone but... I was never allowed to attend them--my parents wouldn't let me--but, if you don't mind P..."

"I--uh--I haven't sung in so many years, I don't think my voice will be able to--"

"Booo!" Yes, you know who that was booing me. Palm. "Come on, August, what's a fairwell without a sappy soundtrack? Come onnnn." He drawled, making me think of the other person in my life who thinks playing cute will always make him have his way with me. 

"Okay, okay." I said, irritated, if anything to get him to stop. I was already on the brink of tears as it was, thinking of Ngern was sure to push me over the edge.

The room went deadly quiet as I pushed my chair back and stood up. For so many hours I'd been so focused on just the faces around me that I hadn't even realized it was already getting dark outside. 

I took deep breaths to steady myself and to stop my heart from racing. My palms were sweaty and slippery, and my throat dry. I thought to call it off, but seeing all of them huddled in the tight space of the juicery, watching my every move, I knew it would break their hearts. I couldn't run away from this like I'd run away from admitting my feelings for Ngern. I couldn't lead these people on like I'd led him on, and dash away the way the first chance I got. Yes, it was time for me to grow up now, and nothing saI'd maturity like living up to your word. 

So I sang. I let the words roll off my tongue lime prophecies of love as I took a step back in time to one of the happiest moments of my life. I sang like everything I knew and loved depended on that moment, and it was all I had left to give before my world came crashing down around me. I felt every emotion, every inaudible beat of the bass. I felt every strum of the guitar chords like I was hearing again, right next to me. I stumbled a few times, I did. But that didn't hold me back, it didn't stop me from giving them, my fans, this last wish. This last bit of me that I have wanted to share for so long. I had something to say, and they were willing to listen, to nod and smile and encourage me. I could see it in their eyes that my decision did not make them happy, but cheered me on regardless.

When I reached the last chorus, I was surprised to hear voices sync in with mine. And soon enough, the whole room was filled with music. Unsnchronized, loud voices, but music none the less. It was truly the most glorious thing. 

It wasn't after I had stopped singing that I found my cheeks were wet with tears. Im still not sure if I crying happy tears or sad tears... or both? Maybe both seeing as it was a bittersweet moment. 

The meeting drew to a close half way into its fourth hour after I hugged, took pictures and signed with practically every body in attendance, and thankfully so, because all the emotional discharges had left me exhausted.  After the last group left, it was just me, Palm, Nong Pang, and the mother-daughter who owned the place.

"Well, that was alot more successful than I thought it would be." Palm said, grinning.

"137!  I counted!" Nong Pang announced excitedly. "I didn't think this place could hold that many people."

"It can't. DidNot you see the late comers standing against the wall." Her friend, the daughter spoke animatedly. "I've never seen our joint this packed before, right ma?"

Her mom nodded in agreement.

"Thank you so much, ma." I said to the mother. "And I'm so sorry for closing up your business, I had no idea any of this was going to happen..."

"Oh, don't even worry your handsome head about it." She quickly interrupted me. "Truth be told, business has been going pretty slow lately for us, now that all these big brand smoothie franchises are starting to move in. Today alone I've sold more than I did the whole of last week, so, I should be the one thanking you instead."

With that out of the way, I lingered around for a short while after to help rearrange the the chairs and tables, and gather up all the boxes and bottles for recycling. By the time we said our final goodbyes and hugs were dished out between Nong Pang's friend and her mother and we were out the door, the street lamps were on. Nong Pang walked between us, talking animatedly, as she clung to both our arms. She was a dreamer, that one, but I guess that's to be expected for a young girl who hasn't yet been slammed with the realities of the world. 

We decided to cab it, instead of the longer option of buses, and upon my insistence, the taxi veered towards their home first. 

"God, I never thought she would stop talking." Palm said, watching his sister lovingly as she slept, leaning against my shoulder. 

"She's just her brother." I teased.

"Whah--are you trying to say I talk too much?"

"No, actually, I just meant she's nice and caring like her brother, it's all." Ha! Got him!

"Oh..." He rubbed the back of his head as his face turned pink. "Y-you should have just said that then."

"So, Nong Palm the rockstar, huh?" I said, recollection one of the topics Nong Pang had been firing off about. Apparently, her big brother had a voice of an angel, had been the lead vocalist to an indie band during his teen years. Of course every thing had change, however, when some of the members had graduated and headed on to the university, thereby breaking off the group.

"Oh, please." He muttered. "As if. It was just a little thing I used to do during my free time, it's all."

"Not according to nong Pang, she made it very clear that you guys had all the girls in your school swooning every time you performed. You must have been quite the ladies man, aye?"

"S-shut up. It was nothing like that. The girls were just teenagers, they would have reacted that way to anyone." Palm said, his face growing redder. "Besides, its not like any of them would look at me now. They've all gone ahead in life and graduated and made something of themselves, and I'm still a sh*t scrubber."

"Aw, don't talk like that. Every bodies journey is different. Just because situations seem this way right now doesn't mean they'll say that way for ever. Besides, if one band breaks up, there'are tones of others that would take you can try out for. If you're half as good as nong Pang says, no doubt you'll find another. " I encouraged.

"Tsk. See who's talking. As if you're any better. Maybe you should listen to your own advice and apply it to your life." That shut me up. We didn't say any thing else the rest of the way. When the cab pulled up in front of their apartment building, Palm nudged his sister awake and they both waved me goodbye and safe ride back home before walking into the building. 

Mom was already setting the table for dinner when I came in, and asked me to hurriedly go take a shower and come join them. 

Of course, as expected, the whole time we talked about my new job and how it was the right, mature decision to make. Yes, my new job. It was official. Apparently, dad's friend had called him after our meeting and raved about me, and how surprised he was by my credentials. Mom didn't say much, but there was clearly ait of relief between us all, sited around the table. 

"Now, I know you're starting pretty low, but if you work hard and keep focus, you'll move up that corporate ladder so fast you'LL be running the show in no time. I guarantee it." Dad encouraged, enthusiastically,

"Yes, dad." I said, forcing a smile. It was all I could do to keep from telling him all that had happened after my interview, and that Palms departing sentence to me had been ringing through my mind all night long. Seeing the proud smiles on their faces made me sick to my stomach. I was a fraud. A liar. I was never going to be what I wanted to be, so, no matter how my life played out, I wondered if I was ever going to be truly happy. 

But, then, dads's phone rang. From the frown on his face I could tell something was off.

"It's ma. She wouldn't call at this hour if it wasn't something urgent." He explained after mom shot him a glare for having his phone out on the dinning table. Usually he was the one alwas nagging her for having her phone out. "Hello? Ma, is everything okay? Is Pa okay?"

"August? Yes, ma, he's right here..." Dad said into the phone glancing my way, "you want to speak with him? About what? What is going on ma?--Fine, fine, I'll give him the phone."

"Hello, grandma?" I speak into the cell, concious of mom and dad watching me closely, just as curious about her call as I was.

"August? August! I've been calling your phone for over an hour now, why didn't you pick up?" 

"I-I lost my cell, grandma--what's wrong? Is grandpa okay?"

"Yes, yes, that old gizzard is doing just fine. I didn't call to talk about him, this is about you, dear." She said excitedly. "Go to--uh... Carp-Carp, what was that word again?"

I heard a deep voice say something on the other end of the line. No doubt it must have been Carp, one of the kids in the Chiangle Rai neighborhood that I used to play with whenever I visited on holidays, growing up. Now he worked at one of the beachside lodges, and dad paid him to check on grandpa and grandma a few times a week to make sure everything was okay.

"You-koop..oh, YouTube... yes, yes, that's it, go on youtube, August. Go on the website youtube." Grandma said, struggling g with the foreign word.  

"Youtube? Why" I asked, though I was already out of my chair and jogging towards the PC system that stood at one end of the room. Thankfully, though no one really used it, now that I wasnt at home and mom and dad each had their laptops and tablets, the PC was only on sleep mode, so when I shook the mouse, the screen came to life. 

Immediately, I opened the chrome browser and typed in the words. 

"Okay, grandma, I'm on YouTube, what no--" the words got stuck in my throat. I wasn't sure if I was just imagining it, or if that was really my face on the first video under the youtube search bar. The title of the video read: "HEART WARMING PERFORMANCE GIVEN BY FORMER LOVE SICK ACTOR AUGUST DURING FAN MEET AND GREET."

I gasped. Just under the video tab where the minutes were written, was the view count. 300,000. In less than two hours. I clicked on the video, and sure enough, it was me. I was right there, on the screen, in my white dress shirt, and belted black slacks, with my hair combed back, surrounded by the heads of people I had only just been amongst a few hours ago. I didn't even hear the sound of mom and dad's footsteps as they walked towards me. I could barley hear grandma saying, "trending, trending" repeatedly through the cell phones speaker, even though it was right next to my ear. No, all I could hear was my voice. Sharp, and confident and hurt and proud. I am August Vicharavit, and I have just become an Internet sensation.

###

Oi, guys. If there's anyone in Malaysia, just wanted to share that earn and Pete will be doing a fan meet sometime around June this year. Literally, just saw it a few hours ago. If anyone cares to go.

Also, I should explain myself for the tardies... as it turns out, I have been working on my novel. Yes, I've been writing a novel, but because of school and work, I'm far behind, so now that I'm not busy with school work, I am trying to maximize on my time. I've read some of your comments saying j should make this into a full fledged novel, but I think there might be some legal issues involved, all things considered. Besides, I don't want to be known as GreedieChanInDaHouse. Lmao. So... yeah, we'LL see how it goes. Alright. That's all. Hope you enjoyed it.