Title: (4/5)

Your title was nice overall, but there are a couple things that I'd like to address. Since you seemed to want the main focus of this review on the writing style/plot, however, I will try to keep this section fairly concise.

The "Twelve" in "Twelve Chances" perfectly indicates that it was an EXO fic, which is certain to draw in the targeted audience (since 'twelve' automatically sparks 'exo' while scrolling through fanfiction). Additionally, the "Chances" provoked much curiosity about the plot. I can also say that the connection between the title and the story is indisputable. It's clearly referring to all of Haemi's chances at love throughout the plot, and the Chinese candies that the grandfather is fond of.

However, this title didn't really pop out at me because the story's genre was not evident within it. A story named "Twelve Chances" could be about almost anything, right? This really takes away from the individuality; thus, it was a bit bland. Perhaps if an adjective had been placed before the word "Chances," it would have sounded more creative - the adjective could be added to the name of the Chinese candies as well (for example: a 'Jolly Rancher' isn't just called a 'Rancher').

You were headed in the right direction, but there are a few changes could've made it more enticing.

Description/Foreword: (10/10)

Honestly, I loved your description and foreword. The mistakes were very minor, and not worth subtracting points for.

Your first section did a wondrous job of highlighting what love can do to different types of people (and what it did to the main character). However, there was one thing that threw me off. On the first line, you used the word "smart" and on the second line you used the word "bright." Bright is often used to describe intelligence, so I had to reread the sentence a few times before I understood that you wanted it to mean something else. I would suggest using a different word, such as "cheerful" or "lively" that cannot be mistook for another.

Otherwise, I loved the formatting, and consistent use of bold/italics; it eccentuated the text very neatly. In fact, I'll take this moment to compliment you on the appearance overall: everything was wonderfully styled in a way that matched the genre, and appeared pleasing to the eye.

Next, I want to comment on the actual writing techniques you used. In the first section, you gave a little narrative in the first person perspective to show what the plot would be like from a character's point of view. Then, you expanded on what you said by looking at the plot from a third person perspective. I've seen this way of introducing the plot before, and it's very effective.

All in all, it was short, but gave an accurate plot overview. Very nicely done.

Plot/Originality: (14/20)

There's lots of stuff that I want to say about this *rubs palms together*.

When I first began the story, I thought that it seemed a bit cliché (since I've read a great deal of stories that deal with childhood fluff like between Kyungsoo and Haemi). Don't get me wrong; the whole "twelve chances at love" concept, as I see it, is entirely original; but, I felt like it would just end up being a cover for various clichés of first loves to be put together in one story. My mind was completely changed, however, after reading the part where Kyungsoo's father passes away. That was completely sudden and unexpected; an amazing, perfect time to cut the scene short and allow readers to speculate about what would end up happening to him. From that point on, I was convinced that you knew exactly what you were doing and I was shown that, because of your organization, the originality rate wasn't too bad.

Additionally, the titles of the chapters were quite clever, as you managed to incorporate the different EXO songs. "Black Pearl" connected to the ocean, "XOXO" dealt with the penpal letters, "Growl" had to do with the Baekhyun's protectiveness, etc. It's certainly something that EXO fans (such as myself ahaha) will appreciate to see.

I saw this written on your submitted form and it is certainly true: You are accustomed to writing comedy.

I could clearly see how your style began to lean slightly towards comedy throughout the piece. In fact, I certainly believe that "Twelve Chances" could fall under the 'romcom' category. It began with a very endearing childhood Haemi who was blatantly honest and cute, but slowly began to materialize into a humorous, sassy version of romcom - creating a huge shift in genres. To improve on this, my first tip would be to try out the third person POV in stories where you are trying to separate yourself from the 'comedy' genre: it'll help you feel less tempted to record all of your teenage character's sarcastic thoughts into the story. Of course, the occasional snarky remark is okay; but full-out sass will completely alter the reader's view of the story. It's much, much harder to list all of the character's thoughts in third person; so, it would certainly benefit you until you got the hang of the new genre.

There are two main reasons that I brought up your tendency to write in a more humorous manner: 1) You mentioned it on your form 2) It affected your originality. Writers who produce comedy-centered stories tend to carry out their plot using action, dialogue, and thoughts. In short, there is usually very minimal description. That was precisely the reason I couldn't give you full points on originality: Your description was not done nearly as well as it could have been, simply because you are more acquainted with a humorous style.

So, how does description affect originality? Well, it's the one thing that makes certain stories stand out from others: When readers are not given enough of it, they just fill in the empty spaces with images that they have already read about or seen. For example: When you said, "Xiumin's cafe" I just pictured something similar to the Starbucks near my house. Pretty boring, huh? But, if you describe your image of the cafe, I'll think "Oh cool that sounds interesting." It makes sense, right?

So, when I say you need to work on your description, I'm talking about surroundings. When you are writing a fluffy romance story like this one, depicting the settings is extremely important. A perfect model of this that I have is Chapter Two, in which Baekhyun waits for Haemi at her house after she blows him off. You never mentioned that it was cold until this part: ...his hood up and his hands shoved in his pockets, as he breathed out puffs of cold air. 

Before you said that, I was actually picturing it as a warm, spring day. Therefore, when you mentioned that it was cold out, it completely messed up my view of the story. If you explained the temperature from the beginning of the scene, it would have told me "It's cold outside, and Baekhyun's waiting for her" instead of saying "Baekhyun's waiting for her. Oh, and, it's was cold outside too." This goes for other places too: I would have loved if you told the readers more about the appearance of Yixing's shop and Xiumin's coffee place. Are they vintage-looking and cluttered? Clean and precise? Is there a chime that rings as you swing the door open and step inside?

Aside from the surroundings, you did well using description to embellish your characters' senses (smell, hearing, etc.) and actions. One of my favorite examples is from Chapter Three, where you stated: it was like recalling a distant memory that had all but faded into a bright glow. This was a perfect way to explain Kyungsoo's voice.

I'm writing way too much in this section, sorry sorry *Super Junior starts playing*

As time wore on, it seemed as though the initial plot was becoming lost in itself. It was becoming a tale of this young girl Haemi, rather than a tale of a grandmother recalling her past for her curious granddaughter. If you had stopped the story between each flashback and went back to the present - even if it was simply Johee interrupting the story to state an innocent question - the relationship between the present day and the past would be much clearer. Since time lapses back to the present day were a bit infrequent, the "grandmother telling a story" concept gradually seems to be thrown off to the side.

And, the very final point I will address about the plot: Haemi is not actually falling in love. And this really irked me. From the foreword, I will directly quote that"Lee Haemi has had a total of twelve different experiences of love." But, really, she's not 'experiencing' love at all. All of these handsome boys are falling in love with her, but she's not falling in love with any of them; which totally contradicts what the plot was set up to be.

Overall, I thought your plot was very well-thought-out and had an original idea to it. But, since you are closely accustomed to a more humorous writing, the style was slowly slipping. Also, the plot was slowly becoming lost in itself (which I mentioned last because I feel that it is the most important aspect of this section). Of course, I was closely observing these things since I was in 'reviewer mode'; so it was probably not as noticeable to those on AFF just reading for their enjoyment.

Characterization: (17/20)

Fully analyzing all of the main characters as I normally do would be incredibly ridiculous for this story (since there are so many people in it), so I will just talk about any notes I have jotted down.

The very beginning of the story left a deep first impression of Lee Haemi. As an author, you didn't try to go out of your way to make her have weird hobbies, or be too much like a tomboy, and I loved that. She just acted like an average little girl: protecting her sandcastle, acting impulsively, and making friends easily. It was absolutely endearing. Even though she was "ordinary," you described her in a way that depicted a realistic little character. However, to put it bluntly, Haemi didn't meet my expectations as the plot evolved. When the teenage years were reached in the flashbacks, she slowly began to transform into a Mary Sue: eating whatever she wanted and not gaining weight, acting overly sassy, and being completely clueless to Baekhyun's feelings. Your comedy style was not only beginning to take over the plot; it was beginning to engulf the characters as well. And, I will pick on you because I know from the first chapter that you can do better (Sorry, that was harsh wasn't it). This was mostly just a problem during the teenage years, however; everything else was exceptionally smooth.

EXO was well-incorporated into the story. Personally, I feel that Kyungsoo has the deepest connection with Haemi due to their childhood days. But, you also gave the other members a fair chance at being her last love because of how Kyungsoo came and left - therefore, I have honestly no clue who the grandfather is. My favorite aspect of your characters is that you are very good at keeping it real. For example, how Haemi became separated from Baekhyun and Kyungsoo once they became stars and finally found a girl best friend at the office. There were no far-fetched methods of communication that tied her to Baekhyun, or unrealistic idea that best friends can't ever split apart. Then, of course, there was the relationship between her and Suho. They had a nice connection, but it ended when he had to go to college - there were no ridiculous methods she used to skip grades and get into the same college as him. (Apologies for comparing your story to others I have read). I also liked how you made all of their characters very distinct, with individual specialties. Like Kyungsoo and his 'Peter Pan' concept, Yixing and his piano, Luhan and his pen pal letters. But then, of course, you managed to link them all together where it made sense. I just hope that, in the future, you'll add even more so that they're personalities are more differentiated. Kris was hard at expressing his emotions, and Baekhyun was really cute, but everyone else was just another angelic boy.

Next, I'd like to say that I found the relationship between Baekhyun and Haemi made the genre begin to slip back to comedy. Of course, I love that they acted like brother and sister - very close and arguing often. But, you got too much into that role and let Haemi's character turn into the protagonist of a romcom. Take this sentence from chapter three for example: "He wants to be a singer someday - and here's the bad news: he's actually REALLY good." If you want to separate yourself from this genre (like you mentioned on your form), you need to get out of the habit of writing exaggerated sentences like these. There is a large difference between romcom and humor: romcom tends to focus on sarcastic thoughts, and basically leans off a sassy personality; whereas humor is more based off actions and dialogue.

Okie dokie, I'll stop now. Already over 10,000 characters. But, overall, I thought you could have done a better job differenciating the separate EXO characters (which I will not take too many points off for, since the story isn't yet completed). You could also try to make Haemi a bit less typical during her middle school days (by toning down on the impudent thoughts and actions). I see a lot of potential here, though, and that's why I had to be super particular.

Flow: (17/20)

I've said most of everything concerning the general flow within the plot/originality and characterization sections. So, since I hate to sound redundant, I'll just briefly tell you what I thought about the overall flow before moving on.

You did fairly well flowing from topic to topic within each individual flashback, but I really think that it would have been better if you went back to the present tense (with grandmother Haemi and Johee) between every one - it would provide a much better transition. For example, in the second chapter, we immediately go from being slammed with the heartbreaking news of Kyungsoo's father's death to the humorous relationship of Baekhyun and Haemi. It's just too much of a difference in such a short time.

You should also describe settings in greater detail, to help readers picture the scenery more. For example, during the first chapter, "summer" and "beach" trigger certain images in readers' minds of the sun and hot weather. If you wanted it to be pouring rain, you should have expanded more on that. One sentence that mentioned it was raining was not enough to override the images of warm weather. Was the sky grey? Were the clouds dark? Was the sun still out? Elaborate.

Next, here is a specific point in the story where the flow could be improved upon:

In chapter two, there was just one sentence that I found a bit repetitive: "Sometimes, he would sing to me, and it was then when I would be the most happy - smiling in content as the sound of his soft singing flowed through my ears."

You said the word 'sing' twice and it sounded a bit odd. (Also, there was a small typo: it should have said 'contentment' rather than 'content')

To fix this, switch it to say something similar to: "Sometimes, he would sing to me, and it was then when I would be the most happy - smiling in contentment as the sound of his soft voice flowed through my ears." Additional spots throughout the story used repititious words as well, but it wasn't a huge problem. I would suggest proofreading your chapters and keeping www.thesaurus.com open in a tab while writing.

Overall, I thought you did an exceptional job concerning the flow of the story. I just want to see better use of transitions, description, and word choice.

Writing Conventions: (15/15)

You're clearly excellent at grammar and English. All of your mistakes were very small - not worth subtracting points for.

In Chapter One:

Incorrect: - "We were almost always with each other, going off on adventures and building as much sand castles as we could."

Correct: "We were almost always with each other, going off on adventures and building as many sandcastles as we could."

The word 'much' is used for concepts that cannot be counted as individual items. (For example: 'I don't have much time.') The word 'many' is used for objects that can be counted. (For example: I have many books.) Sandcastles are objects that can be counted; therefore you should have used the term 'many'.

In Chapter Two:

Incorrect: "Like hell I am."

Correct: "Like hell I will."

This was a statement that Haemi made, right after Baekhyun said: "Haemi will be my girlfriend." Since he was speaking in the future tense, she should be speaking in the future tense as well.

In Chapter Four:

Incorrect: "After turning her off the light in her room"

Correct: "After turning off the light in her room"

Just a small, self-explainable typo.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)

I honestly felt like this piece didn't fully demonstrate your capabilities. You are clearly a writer with much potential, and your story started off demonstrating that wonderfully. It's only the kinks that need to be fixed. You are so accustomed to writing more romcom-style pieces that the genre was slowly slipping; this was probably not remarkably noticeable to readers, but I still needed to stress about it so you'd be aware, and able to prevent it from becoming a larger problem in the future.

My three tips for you are: 1) When you are aiming to separate yourself from the comedy genre, using the third person tense will certainly help out. 2) Elaborate on settings. 3) Read over your work to identify any grammar/flow complications.

Total: (80/100)