Title: (3/5)

I honestly feel like you put minimal thought into your title; because it was neither captivating, nor a well-thought-out match for your oneshot.

First of all, your capitalization was off. In a grammatically correct story title, the first word must be capitalized (which you did) along with all other nouns in the title. In other words, it should had read "This Summer" rather than "This summer". It may seem trivial and unnecessary for me to point this out, but grammar can really make all the difference. When readers are scrolling through fanfics and come across a story in which the author didn't bother to capitalize correctly; it may signify that they didn't put much effort into their work either (though I'm not trying to say that you didn't put any thought into your piece).

Looking at "This Summer," however, still sparks no curiousity - even if the capitalization is fixed. It's a perfect example of what I like to call an "empty title" (a title with no flavor or hint of a genre/style within it). For example, if your story was action, a name such as "This Bloody Summer" may intrigue the readers. Or, if it was an angst story, "The Coldest Summer," may add a little spice. However, "This Summer" could truthfully be a story about anything; it's extremely vague - which is a huge turnoff.

Additionally, after reading your story, the relevance between your plot and your title is not apparent. Yeah; it was clear that the story took place during that season, but naming your story "This summer" indicates that the setting will be crucial to the plot. It was very misleading, considering that you did not describe the summer, or the weather for that matter, at all. In fact, if the story took place during the winter, it wouldn't be all that different. Your plot focused on what happened between Ah Young and Sehun in the shop. That's perfectly fine, but your title should connect with those events rather than the season they took place in. Otherwise, it's completely irrelevant.

Your title wasn't completely terrible, though, and I don't want to discourage you. Yes; as I mentioned before, it was a bit bland. However, the vague fluffiness that it posessed did connect to your light plotline and writing style. You were clearly on the right track, yet not completely there. My best advice is just to get creative with your title next time. Don't overdo it, but try to add in a couple descriptive words to give it some more juice.

Description/Foreword: (6/10)

As the title is the beginning of the readers' first impressions on your story, the description is always the make-or-break part. It's the portion of the fanfic that determines whether or not the reader believes your plotline is worth reading, as it should demonstrate your writing style and what your story will be about. If someone comes across a fanfiction with a poorly-written description - chances are, they won't want to read the story.

I was completely in love with the idea of your description up until the point when you asked the readers a question: "Who knows what will happen?" 

Never ask the reader questions. I understand that there are many authors on AFF who choose to do that, and it bothers me every time. Asking the reader questions breaks your fluency and looks extremely unprofessional and cliché, as if you ran out of things to write, or are trying way too hard to pique interest. If you wish to catch the readers' attention, do it with your plot!

Now, I absolutely loved your first sentence, but I didn't find the grammar very attractive. (I know that English isn't your first language, though, so that's perfectly understandable.) I just need to point out your two mistakes, so that you can learn from them:

The first thing I'd like to explain is job titles (in this case, "Manager") should not be capitalized if they do not go directly ahead of the person's name:

Incorrect: Sehun as the Manager

Correct: Sehun as the manager

The rest of your first sentence sounds awkward too. This is a bit difficult to explain, as it's something that only those who speak fluent English would take note of. However, I will still do my best to clarify your mistake.

"Ah Young works at a coffee shop with Sehun as the manager."

The sentence still sounds awkward even though the "M" has been fixed. The corrected version would be: "Ah Young works at a coffe shop where Sehun is the manager."

The original sentence was wrong because the "with" connects Sehun to Ah Young in the sentence. The "where" connects him with the coffee shop. Since you are presenting him as the manager of the coffee shop, rather than a person Ah Young is acquainted with, you should change it so that he is directly connected to the shop in the sentence.

All in all, I believe that you did a fairly nice job with your foreword. It was short and sweet, which is very appropriate for a one-shot. I also liked the fact that you kept the layout simple, and didn't overdo it one bit. You've definitely got the appearance down pat. Since one-shots are generally short stories, a short, well-written description is often enough (since you don't want to give too much away). It also does a decent job of reflecting the story line.

Plot/Originality: (7/20)

I honestly found that your plot was extremely banal and overused. The girl who isn't interested in the boy who flirts with her? Sweetheart, we've all seen it before. Next time, you have to take those clichés and make them your own. Trying to put together a story that's completely original is an obstacle that all authors face - but it's not impossible. With your story, I believe there are a lot of things you could have done to make it more unique to your own writing style, because I found everything extremely dull as it is.

I may have said this before, and I will say it again: Add detail. When you stated that Sehun looked like a "Male God," I couldn't picture it (though calling him a "God" was a good comparison). You need to show me the appearance. He's attractive, you say? So, explain it. Tell me all about his casually tousled hair and deep dreamy eyes. Tell me about his slightly parted pink lips, and his broad shoulders. Sometimes, it seems tedious to explain a scene when you already have a clear picture in your head, but it matters. And, it's not just Sehun. You need to elaborate on just about every other aspect of the story as well: What does Ah Young look like? What does the coffee shop look like? How about the weather outside? Putting exaggerated description into "This summer" would really add to your writing style, and make the plot seem more unique.

I'll admit that you did have your own twists, such as the fact that Ah Young never fell for Sehun. I found that interesting, considering that you ended it with her putting laxatives in his drink, rather than the two of them becoming a couple. It was definitely something new for this type of story. You also had very distinct scenes placed apart from each other in appropriate places, which proved to me that you had it all set up in your mind. (For example, the flashback was in a perfect spot.) However, you didn't elaborate enough, and it left too much up to the readers' imaginations. When the scenes are completely left up to readers to depict in their minds, they will just probably just fill in the blank spots with parts of stories they've previously read. You have to paint your own picture if you want to make your story stand out.

Characterization: (8/20)

To be honest, I found that both characters were extremely vague. I understand that it can be difficult to show good character development in a oneshot, since it isn't a chaptered story where you have tons of space. However, I still found that Ah Young and Sehun's images were conveyed poorly.

Let me start by addressing Ah Young. Her likability rate with me was extremely low; in fact, I found her character to be a bit irritating at times. Reason being she was constantly contradicting herself. For example, this sentence: "We couldn't stop flirting with each other and he is annoying, most of the time." At first, she stated, "We couldn't stop flirting;" while, later on, she says "He's so annoying." Make up your mind, girl. Why are you flirting with a guy who irritates you?

More importantly, the fact that she still works at the coffee shop when her boss is creeping on her 24/7 is really unbelievable. If she hates him so much, why is she his employee? Why does she have to "put up a smile" when he approaches and continue working for him? I definitely would've quit by then if I were Ah Young, because Sehun is just so disrespectful. This should have been explained better, to make her character more clear. If she still works at the coffe shop simply because she enjoys playing mind games with him, that should have been elaborated on. You did hint that she liked to at some points, but her joy that came from watching Sehun in distress was not exaggerated enough to be a legitimate reason why she was still working there.

I also should comment here that the relationship between them wasn't explained well at all. Closer to the end, they called each other names like "baby" and "honey," but it was never stated that they were dating? I really didn't understand that, so you should have added more about it.

Sehun's character was portrayed poorly as well. Now, it was from the point of view of Ah Young, so it's not like we can see what's going on in his mind. However, I felt that we just didn't know enough about him in general. For example, you should have included how Sehun acts around his other female employees. This would have explained whether he genuinely likes Ah Young, or if he's just a big flirt. I also wish you hinted at whether or not Sehun knows that Ah Young hates him. It seems like she tries to cover it up, and harass him secretly (with laxatives), but it still wasn't entirely clear. Perhaps he knew, and just suspected she was playing hard-to-get? Or maybe he wanted her even more because she didn't want him? There's always the third possibility that he didn't know at all, and was just being clueless. I think that you were trying to go for the third possibility that he was just being clueless, but I don't really buy that. There's absolutely no way that a guy in his twenties can act that shameless and erted around a girl, thinking that it's okay. It's just not believable.

Don't feel discouraged about what I said, though. There was definitely some potential there for both of your characters - particularly Ah Young and her mind games. I could tell that you thought both of their personalities through; but it seems as though you overlooked the nooks and crannies. If you had elaborated more and made things more believable, the characterization would have been much better.

Flow: (7/20)

In all honestly, I found that your flow was quite off throughout the story. Remember next time that beginnings are everything. And, to put it bluntly, I didn't like the way you tried to hook in the readers. In the very first piece of dialogue, I started to develop dislike towards the main character. Anyone who says "Jinggalalading!!" when they sing must be a six year old (sorry, but it's true). You may have had a certain sound in your head when you wrote that - but the readers don't. And, even if you state that she was singing, I still picture it as her just blurting out loud gibberish. You should have just said "I sang as I cleaned the counter." and described the environment around her (such as the day, or the coffee shop). It is with good intentions that I will say: never not start your story off by making your main character come off as annoying. First impressions will stick in the readers' minds.

Also, you rushed into events too quickly at some parts. For example, during the flashback, you should have explained how she spilled the drink onto the customer, and used dialogue to express exactly what the customer said to her. Then, Sehun could enter. Having it all happen in one paragraph was just too much to comprehend. Another example is the transitions between scenes. To get from the present to the past, you asked the reader a question: "Well, you must be wondering, how I met him?" I already said this about the Description, but I should say it about the story as well: Never ever ever ask your readers questions. It sounds very abrupt and unprofessional in the piece. And, when you use it as a transition between scenes, it wrecks the flow.

The other things that I want to mention about your flow showed up throughout the piece: the repetitiveness, the dreaded tenses, and the choppiness. When I say that your piece was repetitive, I am referring to the fact that you kept saying "I did this" and "I did that." And, as an effect, the fluency of your piece was distorted, and sounded excessively choppy. Here is one example:

"I put the cloth back in the drawer and prepare the order. I gave the customer his order and bow at him."

See how both of the sentences started with the word "I"? Also, you said "order" twice? That's what I'm talking about when I say repetitive and choppy. To improve fluency, you should combine the two sentences into one:

"I put the cloth back in the drawer and prepare the order; then gave it to the customer and bow at him."

However, though the fluency is better in that sentence, the tenses are still off. If you choose to write in the past tense, your story must stay in the past tense consistently. This would be the correct sentence: "I put the cloth back in the drawer and prepared the order; then gave it to the customer and bowed at him." To make it sound even better, you should elaborate the actions and add more detail. What sound did the drawer make when it closed? Was she rushing, or going about easily? The little details like these will really add on to your sentences, and make them flow smoother.

Now, your fluency wasn't actually all that bad. Most of your little quirks were very commonly seen in fanfics (especially the tenses error). And, as I mentioned before: you are very talented when it comes to planning out stories, and placing things were they belong. All of the events were ordered logically, so good job on that!

Writing Conventions: (5/15)

I'm going to start by re-addressing something that I mentioned in the "flow" section: tenses. I already explained this, but I want to briefly touch it before moving on: You need to keep your tenses consistent throughout the piece. It seems as though you were aiming for it to be in the past tense, so please make sure that every sentence stays like that. Sometimes, you had it in the past tense; but you put it in the wrong type of past tense. I'm not sure what these two tenses are called in English (I think they might be referred to as the the "past continuous tense" and the "past perfect continuous tense"). In French, we call them the passé composé and the imparfait. I'm probably confusing you right now, so here is an example from your story:

"It always had been like this." This is the past perfect continuous tense, or passé composé. However, you should be using the past continuous tense, or imparfait: "It was always like this." See the difference? If not, don't worry. Here are two webpages that explain it exceptionally well: x x

There were quite a few punctuation errors throughout the piece too, such as incorrect use of commas and question marks. I often noticed that you make questions out of declarative statements, and added in commas when you should have put in a semi-colon (this is referred to as a "comma splice").

The incorrect use of punctuation and grammar is extremely distracting in your story; it diverts the readers' attention from the plot. For this reason, I would highly recommend hiring a beta-reader. English is a ridiculously confusing language, and some mistakes are only evident to those who are fluent.

I still gave you points, however, because you have no spelling errors. That completely astonished me, because I often see fluent authors scatter just a couple typographical errors throughout their stories. Truthfully well done!

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)

In all honesty, your story did not intrigue me at all. It was cliché and a bit boring to read, as I have read numerous fanfics with similar plots before. My biggest complaint, however, is about the lack of elaboration. More than anything else (besides grammar), you need to work on your details. This isn't something that I can teach to you, but you must teach to yourself through practice. Continue to write, and you will improve! You have impressive planning technique, and I'll assume that a clear picture is in your head when you write; you just need to practice putting that picture into words.

Three tips that I have for you are: 1) Read fanfics by authors who set vivid images in your head, and pay close attention to how they elaborate. It may help you figure out how to make your readers more interested in your stories. 2) Get a beta-reader or co-author who is fluent in English to help you edit your pieces. 3) Keep writing, because practice makes perfect!

Total: 38/100