Title: (4/5)

All, in all, I must say that you did an exceptional job with your title. I have very little complaints about it, so well done!

I'll admit that when I first read your title, I assumed automatically that the story would follow a cliché, rom-com OC-plot (since it does have a bit of a fluffy feeling to it). Once I read the story, though, I found that I was completely mistaken. This proves that the genre was not evident within the name of your piece, and it can mislead readers to an incorrect assumption about your plot. When you think about it, "Back to Square One" could really represent any genre. For all I know, it could have been a spy fanfic in which the main character was led on by a false clue, and had to start his/her investigation over again (thus going 'back to square one').

Putting that aside, I still believe that your title was very unique. I'm going to assume that most readers on AFF will recognize the phrase "Back to Square One," as it's quite a well-known idiom that means back to where you started, with all progress gone to waste. This alone sparked various questions in my head as a reader before I even reached your Description. I started to wonder what was starting over and what type of progress had gone to waste. The fact that you were able to arouse curiousity and questions in my mind when I didn't even know the plotline yet was very intriguing.

I can also say here that, after finishing your story (or, what there is of it so far), I can totally see the connection between the plot and the title. When I saw the idiom used within the story, I got that satisfying feeling of deja-vu. Using a quote from your story as the title really encourages the readers to notice it while reading, and helps them connect the dots for themselves. In this case, readers were compelled to see your title go to use as a way of describing how Kyungsoo moved away and tried to forget Jongin; when he got back, though, it was "back to square one."

Overall, I found your title to be an appropriate and conspicuous choice, although the genre wasn't hinted at as well as it could have been.

Description/Foreword: (6/10)

There are a lot of things that aggravated me about your Description, particularly the grammar and appearance.

On the front page, the first thing that readers will notice is the poster, which sets a red and gray/black mood. Therefore, I don't understand why the colors in your Description/Foreword are so vibrant. They contradict the mood set by the graphics, and it does not look pleasing to the eye. Therefore, I would suggest either a dark grey or dark red text color (using a bright red would clash, considering the dark, angsty feeling of your poster). In the "Quotes" section too, you should alternate between grey and red rather than using the colors of the rainbow. The set mood must be consistent, otherwise it will look like a total mess.

Next, you pulled the name-spelling card on me. By this, I mean that in both the Description and the Foreword, you said "Do Kyung Soo" and "Kim Jong In" in some parts, whereas you used the two-word spelling ("Do Kyungsoo" and "Kim Jongin") in other parts. This was extremely distracting and, quite frankly, it's one of my pet peeves. If you choose one specific way to write the names and stick with it consistently, everything will look much better! (I would highly suggest the two-word spelling, seeing as it is the much more common option between the two).

My next comment about your Foreword is about the grammar and flow. I will go much more in depth about technical rules in the Grammar/Writing Conventions and Flow sections, but I still want to tell you the three main things that you need to pay closer attention to: tenses, punctuation, and repetitiveness.

Now, I shall finally mention something about the actual content. First of all, take that part where it says "KaiSoo" and "HunHan" out. Keeping it there is superfluous, as I can already tell who the otps will be from the tags (and the rest of the Foreword). Labeling it just adds baggage to the appearance. Also, you do not need two page breaks! Choose one of them and stick with it (to be honest, I prefer the one on the bottom. But that's only my opinion). This goes for the rest of the story too, btw; not just the Foreword.

I don't usually enjoy it when authors ask questions in their Descriptions, as they normally make everything look awkward. However, in your case, the questions actually helped advance the readers' thinking by showing more of the plot. Instead of demanding "What will happen next?!" (which I've seen quite often) you asked questions that demonstrated what dilemmas the characters would have to fix, and what problems Kyungsoo's return would bring to the both of them. Instead of making me face-palm myself, the questions provoked my thought process, and piqued my curiosity in the plot.

Another aspect that I'd like to compliment you on is that your Foreword did a nice job of reflecting the Description - without repeating it. The text before the quotes had a lot of grammar and appearance issues; but, as far as the context goes, you did a nice job. At the beginning, I was skeptical and didn't quite know what you were going for. But, as my eyes landed on the last sentence; it all clicked in my mind. You were referring to Kyungsoo returning to Korea - without actually mentioning any names! That was extremely well done, and I found that it was quite original as well.

Plot/Originality: (12/20)

As far as your originality goes, I believe that you did an exceptional job. Putting together a completely original plot is extremely difficult. I have certainly come across fanfiction that dealt with one character leaving the other one, and then returning some time later - causing a disruptance. One of my favorite mangas follows a plot in which one of the characters is afraid of the other one figuring out that he/she is "dirty," and can't bear the feeling of being touched by someone who is "pure." Plus, "10080" dealt with binary code. That's why I don't believe your story was completely original. However, it was not 100% cliché either; and that's good enough.

While reading your story, I found that the plotline was very captivating. As mentioned before, I've read stories with similar parts before, but I've never seen one with all of the different parts combined together like yours. That aspect was new and unique. Plus, you added in the mysterious concept of why Kyungsoo left Jongin in the first place. This kept me wondering what happened to him, and made me feel more compelled to read the piece.

When you revealed that Kyungsoo left Korea because he was ually assaulted by his mother, that made sense. However, you never mentioned why he returned to Korea in the first place. Yes, it was hinted in the Foreword that he came back to "prove once again he couldn't be broken." I also suppose it could be a possibility that he wanted to attend that school or something, but you need to pinpoint an exact reason.

For the plot, I feel as though you made everything more complicated than it had to be. There is a huge (and distinct) boundary between plot twists and unecessary scenes. One example of an unecessary scene is the binary code. D.O. could have been tutoring Suho in math, so why did it have to be binary code? Just saying that it "looks cool" for his last letter is not a legitimate reason to add it into the story. The idea of binary code itself is just too unrelated and not believable in context with the rest of the plot. You just didn't need it there. Another example is how Jongin's mother randomly turned out to be dead in one chapter. I don't understand why, because it was never visited again, and didn't really add on to the plot. There were a lot more examples of these weird scenes, but I think you get the point. Like I said before, surprising the readers with twists in the plot to add on to the story is completely different from adding in superflouous scenes for no reason.

There is just one more point that I'd like to address before moving on. Your story started off angst, then moved on to rom-com, then transformed back to it's original angst state. I found this quite odd, as it was completely confusing. I didn't know how you, as a writer, wanted me, as a reader, to feel about your story. The purpose of angst is to make you cry, and the purpose of rom-com is to make you laugh. So, when you combined the two of them, all of my emotions cancelled each other out. That's why, when you struck us all with the news that Kyungsoo was leaving again, I couldn't feel sad (though I wanted to). If you had given the entire story a sad, emotional style; I probably would have bawled my eyes out. However, since so many of the chapters were filled with comedy fluff; I didn't know how to react. I honestly believe that the story would have worked out better if you made it darker from the start.

Characterization: (13/20)

Your characters had their little quirks and odd spots but, all in all, I thought that you did a marvelous job with them. My general complaint about them is that their lives and backstories were way too complex for such a light story.

Let me begin with Jongin, as I took him to be the main character. Overall, I found that he was very realistic and likable. At the very beginning of the story (before Kyungsoo returned), he was very endearing - cute, even. This personality that you gave him was very unique, because I'm so very used to seeing him in Kaisoo otp stories as the tattooed, motorcycle-riding, bad boy player. You portrayed him in a way that showed an optimistic - childish, if you will - side of him. For example, how sentimental he acted in the beginning. Hanging onto every little detail and quirk of his best friend for three years; it was unrealistic, yet appropriate to the story at the same time. (For example: I doubt anyone would actually enter a school just because their best friend wanted to go there at some point.) However, impractical characteristics in a character can be okay - if they embellish the plot (and, in this case, they did).

Like I said at the beginning, though, your characters did have their rough spots. For example, when you suddenly revealed during Chapter 5 that Jongin's mother had died while Kyungsoo was away, it boggled my mind. I will never understand why his priority concern in the beginning was the fact that Kyungsoo left him over the three-year period. How did his mother's death have no affect on him during that period? The death of a parent should have had a larger effect than a best friend moving away, no?

The next character I will address is Kyungsoo. Just like with Jongin, the way that you presented him in the story really surprised me. The Kaisoo otp stories that I've read almost always present him as a clueless, innocent little boy who blushes a lot. However, you showed a sassy side to him; he was sarcastic and blunt at times, as well as being really bold and impulsive. However, at times, I felt like his bluntness made him less likable as a character; as it could occasionally make him come off as mean. For example, when he first appeared at the same school as Jongin and they talked in the bathroom. He judged Jongin completely based off the color of his hair; and was also quite rude about it. Another demonstration of this was when Jongin asked if Kyungsoo had missed him, and the latter automatically replied "no," without even considering the other boy's feelings.

I also have a brief comment to make about Kyungsoo in Chapter 3 that honestly confuzzled meh (this can also be considered as a "Flow" error). Kyungsoo was living with the fact that he was in love with Jongin (and trying to deal with it) for a long time. Then randomly, in about the middle of the chapter, he started yelling at himself mentally, and trying to deny the fact that he was in love. It was as if he had an abrupt multiple personality crisis.

Don't get me wrong; I didn't hate Kyungsoo's character all. No; I actually found him to be quite lovable. The fact that he was so lovable just made the rough spots stand out more, however, so that's why I had to pick on him. (I actually felt as if your Kaisoo pairing turned into the stereotypical otp Baekyeol pairing, where Kyungsoo is sassy like Baekhyun, and Jongin is optimistic like Chanyeol LOL.)

Now I will talk about Sehun and Luhan. To be quite honest, I thought Sehun was a bit creepy at the immediate beginning of the story (only the very first scene though - nowhere else). When you bump into someone at an airport, do you immediately ask them for their name and say I have a feeling I'll be seeing more of you? No, you don't. That's really stalker-ish and weird. That was pretty much his only quirk, though; I generally thought Sehun was super adorable, bubbly, and protective of his friends. I will always be confused about one thing, though: Did he ever actually have feelings for Jongin? Or was he just honestly trying to protect him the whole time? The mystery surrounding that aspect makes his character even more wonderful.

Regarding Luhan, I feel as though you made his dislike towards Jongin and love towards Sehun way too obvious within the first chapter. If you had cut down on the hints, I have no doubts that readers still would have been able to figure it out. Also, he wasn't given enough spotlight for me to analyze completely. Yeah; he liked Sehun and was jealous of Jongin - that was pretty obvious. But, what about the arranged marriage? And his parents? And his wealth? And Xiumin? I wish you had given him a bigger part so that all of the little things on the side could be identified and explained.

Flow: (6/20)

In general, I don't believe that you did that well with your flow. You are a writer who tends to throw sentences at the reader, rather than melding everything together. This, of course, is something that everyone has to face when they are writing: the technique of creating fluent sentences comes with time and practice (It was noticeable that your fluency improved from the beginning of the story to the end). However, I would suggest trying to describe more in general, and start more sentences off with words other than pronouns (like he/his) and articles (like the/a). Take this sentence, for example: "He feels bitterness wash over him when he remembers Kyungsoo leaving with no goodbye." It's a beautiful sentence with good description. However, every other sentence in the paragraph started with the pronoun "he" as well, making it sound extremely choppy and repetitive. To fix this, you could reword it to say: "Bitterness washes over him whenever he remembers Kyungsoo leaving with no goodbye." It is saying the exact same thing, but starts with a noun rather than a pronoun or article, thus improving fluency.

Something else that I noticed about your flow was that you move too quickly. The first chapter started off with Kyungsoo leaving; and I liked that. The fast-paced drama of the beginning really caught my attention, and made me want to continue reading. However, in the next chapter, he's back already? You should have included a chapter (or two) in between to develop the frendship between Jongin and Sehun/Luhan, as well as show how much Jongin misses his friend, and how his mother passed away. Having so much happen within one chapter is just absurd, and difficult to keep up with.

A last thing that I want to comment on is planning. As I read your piece, it became quite apparent to me that you wrote most of your story as you went along, rather than actually planning it out. I knew this because you just kept randomly dropping bombs without foreshadowing. For example, if you had planned for Jongin's mother to be dead from the start, I presume that you would have mentioned it before. You also should have mentioned Jongin's fear of the water and Kyungsoo's insecurity that he is "tainted" from being ually harassed by his mother. Furthermore, doing something deeper with the binary code thing wouldn't hurt anybody. If I had a penny for all of the events that you dumped on the readers without hinting at them, then I would probably have 20-30 cents (LOL I killed that analogy).

When you put together a story, you need to have a distinct plan for what you are going for. This doesn't mean that you have to write down every aspect of the plot in grave detail, but you should have a brief outline of what twists you want to bring in and what you want to do with the characters. Because, honestly, all of these random events completely wrecked the flow of the story when they showed up. If you want a plot twist, the readers should say "Ohhh...that's why [insert clue here]. I should have caught that!" Rather than "...?"

Grammar/Writing Conventions: (4/15)

Now, you mentioned on your form that you were fluent in English. Because of that, I'm going to be extra picky about this section. Sweetheart, it is with good intentions that I say you need to proofread your work.

First of all, might I address the your tenses. When you have one part of your story in the past or present tense, it must stay consistent. Switching back and forth is not acceptable. This wasn't a huge problem; but it did occur every so often. The real problem, though, was one that is common with those fluent in Engligh. You must remember that the tenses are not just past and present (I'm not counting the future, because stories are rarely told in the future tense). There's the present/past continuous, the present/past simple, the present/past perfect continuous, and the present/past perfect simple. Here is an example excerpt from your Foreword:

"No matter how much life keeps pushing them down...they stand right back up to prove it wrong." The underlined phrase is in the present continuous tense. However, it should be in the present simple tense: "No matter how much life pushes them down...they stand right back up to prove it wrong."

The continuous tense is used to describe something that continuously happens and doesn't stop: a routine. However, in the sentence, you said that "they stand up." Life can't push them down if they're standing up, so it is not a continuous action (it doesn't keep happening all the time). The simple describes things that happen and then stop. Life pushes them down, then it stops when they get back up. Then, it pushes them down again, and stops when they get back up. Get it? If not, don't fret; here are three webpages that may help: x x x

Another mistake that I noticed frequently from you was bad -- and careless -- usage of punctuation. You often used commas when you should have used a semicolon or a dash, causing comma splices, and awkward phrases. Here are two webpages that will help explain each of these to you (because I've already written too much): x x 

Another punctuation mistake that you continuously made really irked me, particularly because it was so small: When using suspension points (...) there must be three periods not two. My final comment about your punctuation is that must have something in the dialouge right before the second quotation marks. For example:

Incorrect: "I'm sorry" Jongin apologized.

Correct: "I'm sorry," Jongin apologized.

This may seem trivial, but it is actually very noticeable and distracting.

Lastly, you need to remember the two number rules: 1) when you have a number in a sentence that is below ten, you must write it out. 2) If a sentence starts off with a number, you must write it out.

Two sentences that showcase most of these grammar mistakes and how to fix them are the first two sentences of your description:

Incorrect: When it all became too much, Do Kyungsoo leaves Korea to escape his hellish home life and the love of his life, Kim Jongin. He comes back after 3 years, not knowing what to expect.

Correct: When it all becomes [tense] too much, Do Kyungsoo leaves Korea to escape his hellish home life and the love of his life: [punctuation] Kim Jongin. He comes back after three [number] years, not knowing what to expect.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)